Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Total Destruction]

Apparently, a great deal of us at the HBHC are directionless vagabonds with weird familial history and some kind of mental hang-up.

... My kinda crowd.

But seriously, it's cool to know we're no alone out there, as I've brought up before. Y'all be some serious people, and it's a pleasure to make your digital and mostly anonymous acquaintances.

[Walrusfella]

You sound just like my old manager. And like me. So you definitely are NOT alone on this one. But there's one idea that I try to stick to, and that's that it's better to be unemployed and alive, than being employed and feeling dead. If you feel stuck, go out and find something new. Not necessarily a new job, I mean anything. Find something to become involved in, or just start doing things you'd enjoy. Go for walks, read, that kind of stuff. For me, walking is f*cking fantastic, as it helps me to clear my head. And as far as your financial situation goes, I can't really say anything since I'm just a youngin, but I'd just keep trying for a new job. There's always a job for you out there, it's just, like a soul mate for most people, bloody hard to find sometimes. But it's there. In the mean time, try not to get caught up in work, make sure you stop now and then and take in the world around you. Whenever I start feeling depressed from my job, I go out and find something fun or relaxing to do by myself, like going somewhere away from people and their stresses and just sitting, watching the sky and thinking. Maybe you're different in that, maybe you'd prefer someone dear to you around, but that's just how I cope. Hopefully you can pull something semi-helpful from it.

You're right, of course. I have to fix this, and I will. It felt good just to write it down.

snipped for space

You don't sound like an idiot, far from it. Thanks for posting; a lot of familiar things in there. Different circumstances, but it rings true.

Secondary school is horrible. Trapped in there it must seem like the world is small and cruel and dull. You're penned in far too close with people who don't want to be there, and whom you wouldn't associate with if you had a choice. Most teachers (aside from a few really great ones, for whom it is a true vocation) have a sort of detached, neglectful "prison guard" attitude; as long as the inmates stay on the premises and aren't actually murdering each other, they don't care about individual problems like bullying. Perhaps I'm being too hard on them, but that's what I observed while I was there and nothing I've seen since has changed my mind.

The good thing is that you've only got a couple of years left, and the rest of life isn't like that at all; the "real" world is full of interesting and kind people, and cool things to do. Work or university can be much better. I was complaining about my crap job a few posts back, but even so I'm having a vastly better time than I ever had in school. As an adult you can decide what you want, and associate only with the people you want to. It can be scary, and things can go wrong, but at least you'll be free. You just have to hang on and get there.

Maybe this stuff is obvious, or perhaps I'm assuming too much, but I wish somebody had explained this kind of stuff to me when I was that age. Good luck, and don't let the system grind you too badly.

[Redbullet612]

Watched this quite a while ago, but found myself watching it again tonight as I went through my favourites. Seems pretty on-topic,

[KryingPhoenix]

Just finished Emi's route tonight, mind swirling with feelings. Can tell I'm not going to sleep unless I vent them out. Been lurking on the forums here, figure now's a good time as any to actually join.


I would feel like a bastard for breaking up with my ex-girlfriend the day before Valentine's Day, but I don't. Two days earlier I told her to make up her mind when she couldn't answer the simple question of "Do you want to keep dating me?" I probably should have broken up with her then, and/or asked that question a lot sooner. For several weeks she'd been antisocial to me. Rarely saying hello to me, never hugging me back, and once let out a sigh when I gestured her over to tell her something mundane instead of shouting it over a noisy room.
Lately, I learned that she started dating someone else, and I've been depressed ever since. When I was at school trying to hang out with my friends, I saw her acting normal, tauntlying flirting the lonely nerds I happen to hang out with. She didn't stay depressed about our breakup for very long. I'm still dealing with mine, the loneliness, the depression, the apathy, and still trying to work things out with a therapist. We're not that different. I doubt she learned any lessons from our breakup, and I still apparently haven't learned mine.
But this story isn't about her.

Let me get this out of my system now. I have never been abused by anyone. My parents are the most loving and part of the most stable family I have seen anywhere. I do not use drugs and I only drink in moderation. I have never deliberately harmed my own body. I really only have one dark secret, one that isn't allowed to be.

Since my freshman year of high school, I have the wonderfully vague and frustrating stigma attached to me known as "Clingy."
Throughout elementary to late high school, I've been made fun of. Bullied one might say, but never once did anyone put a hand on me I didn't allow. The worst of this was the people who pretended to be my friend, while in those same sentences making fun of my nerdy hobbies and lifestyle. Suffice to say, I didn't have many friends, but I cherished the ones close to me and opened up to them. This is still true today. I could lean on my friends for emotional support, and I would at least try to return the favor when they needed help, but far too often I found myself silently staring at my shoelaces wondering what to say. It hurts the most when a dear friend is on the verge of tears wanting you to say something...but you just can't because you don't know what to say. Probably the darkest period of my life was my last year of high school to my first semester of college, where all my closest friends just vanished (mostly for just moving away).

In a way, I'm really similar to Hanako and yet her polar opposite. I'm really quite lonely and terrified of strangers because I'm afraid they'll think I'm strange and weird (a fact I take pride in when I'm alone, funny how that works). And yet, I desperately want--or rather, wanted--someone to take me away from it all. I want a white knight on a fiery steed to sweep me away from this despair and never leave my side. I know now this kind of desire is unhealthy and stems from my lack of self-esteem, confidence and strength in myself...yet I always felt so calm and happy in the gentle embrace of the woman I love. I used to call it "love" if I could fall asleep while cuddling with a woman. But love needs to be mutual.

I don't get along well with other guys, and my desire for a white knight makes it difficult to "just" befriend any woman who shows me the slightest bit of kindness. I feel like all of my social relationships are one-sided, with me wanting to possibly have so much more from other people, yet me being unable to return any of it because of my silence. I don't want to always be helped, I want to help to but I'm never able to. So the people I consider to be closest to me may not, and often do not, consider me anywhere near as close to them.

Quite often I think if just one person was just willing to let me close to them, I could be happy. And when I think about my recent relationship, I was happier than I've felt in years. I'm not even sure what I did (and many people tell me I didn't do anything and cite her issues) wrong to cause it to end, and I've just accepted the fact that we really weren't a great match and our relationship was born out of a mutual physical desire for each other rather than anything else.

So I guess it's only natural that in this state of loneliness as I start to feel the friends I've made throughout college start to distance themselves for one reason or another (mostly them moving away...and this time me moving as well). I'm absolutely terrified of talking or hanging out with them because I don't want to be seen as "Clingy" and I know I will never be able to return the favor. Then I waste away alone, craving meaningful interactions with someone else, only to not act on it out of fear of the stigma.
A vicious cycle. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

[Beoran]

Dear KryingPhoenix,

Thank you for your story. I often think that it's easy to love someone, but hard to live together with someone. If there is someone we like of the appropriate sex then usually it's easy for that to turn into the beginning of love. And if they also like us they might soon start to love us back. However, love is an emotion so it isn't always rational. It doesn't take into consideration time nor place nor difficulties, nor any of the other factors that are needed to make the relationship work. Mutual support, mutual trust, mutual understanding, a willingness to work on the relationship, etc... It seems that in your previous relationship you were both not quite ready to make it work yet.

As for being "clingy"... I know I can be a bit like this too at times, but I try to help people close to me as well if I can. Don't let your shyness stop you from trying. It's like a birthday present: if you're not sure on what to give to a person, then at least give something, even if it's just a card, to show you care.

[Xiious]

Apparently, a great deal of us at the HBHC are directionless vagabonds with weird familial history and some kind of mental hang-up.

... My kinda crowd.

But seriously, it's cool to know we're no alone out there, as I've brought up before. Y'all be some serious people, and it's a pleasure to make your digital and mostly anonymous acquaintances.

pleased to make your acquaintance as well!

Anyway... my story..i have a tendency to rant and ramble on sometimes... so please bear with me.

When i was young, about 12 years ago (im 19), i seemed to develop emotions much more faster than any of the other kids around me. so naturally, i had one of those young crushes. she was a very quiet girl, always colored, ate lunch, did stuff on her own. i had not known at the time, but her parents were divorced, just before she started the school year, which made her always sad all the time. she refused a lot of human contact.... but i was persistent, and eventually she began to trust me and see me as a very close friend.

we were friends for a few years until our emotions started to develop more fully. as time went on, we found ourselves getting closer emotionally, and she started to smile a lot more than she did when she was younger. eventually, we decided that there wasnt anyone else better than each other, and got together as BF/GF. we considered ourselves to belong to each other, and no one ever tried to get between us. each one of us had our own personal problems to deal with, but we truly felt happy with each other and was sure our future together was going to be wonderful.

when we reached 11th grade, she almost completely shut down. she rarely spoke to anyone anymore, including me. she wouldnt smile anymore, and she stopped laughing. her eyes stayed downcast all the time, and she constantly seemed on the verge of tears. i did my best to stay at her side, and for a while, she allowed it. after a few weeks, though, i finally broke down her walls that she had put up, and found out that her father had died. she broke down into vicious sobs, and cried for two days. i stayed with her the entire time, disregarding school and insisting to my parents to stay with her. they let up, understanding how important she is to me, and so i stayed by her side. when she finally got a hold of herself, she thanked me while wiping her face off with a facecloth i had recently washed, giving me a little smile and a big hug.

Eventually, she started to become cheery again, and a few weeks later she was sad about her father passing but could smile and laugh again, making my heart soar with joy. At the christmas dance that year, we finally shared our first kiss. we felt so happy together, and we were sure we could take anything else the world could throw at us together and with smiling faces.

Sadly... all good things must eventually, come to an end.....

one day while walking back home from a particularly harsh week of exams, glad that we were on our way to becoming senoirs, we walked hand-in-hand out of the schoolyard to head into town. then, it happened....

while we were crossing one particularly busy street, i pushed the button and waited for the crosswalk symbol. it went on, and hurriedly checking both sides of the street, we crossed the street. what i didnt notice, however, was that one driver had not slowed down, coming around a corner and not seeing us in time. in a flash, my girlfriend pushed me out of the way as hard as she could, and in that same moment, got hit by the two-ton truck. as i rushed by her side after all the screeching of the tires, she looked at me with a sad smile. as she spoke, i could barely make out the words, but i understood what she meant immediately.

"i love you"

the paramedics came, and started hurrying us to the hospital. i accompanyed her in the ambulence, and held her hand as we went along...but as i sat there helplessly, she died right before we even got to the hospital, never even given the chance to say goodbye. i sat there numb....and what happened for a while after that i really dont remember much. all i remember is the pain that i still feel to this day, sitting on the end of my bed looking at my wall where a high school diploma hangs.

which brings us to here and now i guess

[Kutagh]

Xiious, that is seriously a story like you see in drama's.... So sorry to hear about the accident.
Life sucks, that is why my motto is Carpe Diem. You never know what happens next, so enjoy life to the fullest.

[Total Destruction]

Just finished Emi's route tonight, mind swirling with feelings. Can tell I'm not going to sleep unless I vent them out. Been lurking on the forums here, figure now's a good time as any to actually join.

(storytime)

A vicious cycle. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

Innit just, boss. Innit just. I feel ya on this, so hard. And I think Beoran hit it way better than I could have. What you've got isn't a BAD trait to have. We're a gregarious species, to be sure. It's that striking the balance between "making other people your all at the cost of YOU"and "backing right the hell off of everyone so that they don't resent you for not letting them be THEM" is such a pain in the ass, that a lotta people just up and quit and resort to the "screw everything" mentality. So don't go there, yanno. You're doin' the right thing, and you're self-aware. You've got this. Admittance of weakness is acceptance of strength. (Damn. Should I copyright that nonsense? Hahah.) Keep at it, and you'll go places.

Storytime. Wow. Holy hell, I think I'mma have another drink for you, because that's the craziest storytime so far.

Bruuuutal. I really don't know what to say to this without being contrite, but Jesus, man. I'm incredibly sorry to hear this, and my absolute condolences to you and hers. I can't imagine anything like that. The only time I've ever witnessed someone snuff it was a grandparent, and while pretty heavy, that's old age, yanno, and somewhat expected. The fact that you can just be like "hey, sup HBHC, this happened and I'm pretty messed up about it but here I am and life happens" astounds me, and I can safely say you're an extremely strong man for still hangin' in there. I'm clearly a lesser man than you, and I've got a few years and a lot more mistakes on you. (Hell, at your age, I was almost married to a terrible broad and popping Xanax like Skittles, hahah. You clearly got the up and up on old T.D.)

Man. Respect, man. Thanks for the storytime. Yer a serious dude, and don't you ever give it up. MAN.

*KNUX*

[Beoran]

Dear Xiious,

Thank you for your story. It sound like a drama stories or a fanfic, so I' m appalled that it is true. I don't know if I can say anything that would be useful to you. I could give you the platitudes about how she wanted you to live, and wanted you to be happy too, and how you should move on... But I doubt such words would be of any use to you. I know for sure that if something like that would happen to my wife or daughter, I'd be completely at a loss.

You probably do not want to read this, but I was reminded of a sad Shizune fanfic I read not so long ago here:
http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=6440
I guess reality can be even more "dramatic" than fiction... It sucks really.

For what it's is worth, I can only offer my heartfelt sympathies. And I hope that somehow you'll find a way to be happy again.

[Redbullet612]

Apparently, a great deal of us at the HBHC are directionless vagabonds with weird familial history and some kind of mental hang-up.

... My kinda crowd.

But seriously, it's cool to know we're no alone out there, as I've brought up before. Y'all be some serious people, and it's a pleasure to make your digital and mostly anonymous acquaintances.

pleased to make your acquaintance as well!

Anyway... my story..i have a tendency to rant and ramble on sometimes... so please bear with me.

When i was young, about 12 years ago (im 19), i seemed to develop emotions much more faster than any of the other kids around me. so naturally, i had one of those young crushes. she was a very quiet girl, always colored, ate lunch, did stuff on her own. i had not known at the time, but her parents were divorced, just before she started the school year, which made her always sad all the time. she refused a lot of human contact.... but i was persistent, and eventually she began to trust me and see me as a very close friend.

we were friends for a few years until our emotions started to develop more fully. as time went on, we found ourselves getting closer emotionally, and she started to smile a lot more than she did when she was younger. eventually, we decided that there wasnt anyone else better than each other, and got together as BF/GF. we considered ourselves to belong to each other, and no one ever tried to get between us. each one of us had our own personal problems to deal with, but we truly felt happy with each other and was sure our future together was going to be wonderful.

when we reached 11th grade, she almost completely shut down. she rarely spoke to anyone anymore, including me. she wouldnt smile anymore, and she stopped laughing. her eyes stayed downcast all the time, and she constantly seemed on the verge of tears. i did my best to stay at her side, and for a while, she allowed it. after a few weeks, though, i finally broke down her walls that she had put up, and found out that her father had died. she broke down into vicious sobs, and cried for two days. i stayed with her the entire time, disregarding school and insisting to my parents to stay with her. they let up, understanding how important she is to me, and so i stayed by her side. when she finally got a hold of herself, she thanked me while wiping her face off with a facecloth i had recently washed, giving me a little smile and a big hug.

Eventually, she started to become cheery again, and a few weeks later she was sad about her father passing but could smile and laugh again, making my heart soar with joy. At the christmas dance that year, we finally shared our first kiss. we felt so happy together, and we were sure we could take anything else the world could throw at us together and with smiling faces.

Sadly... all good things must eventually, come to an end.....

one day while walking back home from a particularly harsh week of exams, glad that we were on our way to becoming senoirs, we walked hand-in-hand out of the schoolyard to head into town. then, it happened....

while we were crossing one particularly busy street, i pushed the button and waited for the crosswalk symbol. it went on, and hurriedly checking both sides of the street, we crossed the street. what i didnt notice, however, was that one driver had not slowed down, coming around a corner and not seeing us in time. in a flash, my girlfriend pushed me out of the way as hard as she could, and in that same moment, got hit by the two-ton truck. as i rushed by her side after all the screeching of the tires, she looked at me with a sad smile. as she spoke, i could barely make out the words, but i understood what she meant immediately.

"i love you"

the paramedics came, and started hurrying us to the hospital. i accompanyed her in the ambulence, and held her hand as we went along...but as i sat there helplessly, she died right before we even got to the hospital, never even given the chance to say goodbye. i sat there numb....and what happened for a while after that i really dont remember much. all i remember is the pain that i still feel to this day, sitting on the end of my bed looking at my wall where a high school diploma hangs.

which brings us to here and now i guess

My... god... I'm speechless. I actually teared up a bit. There really isn't much I can say about this, besides bringing up the fact that I'm amazed that you have the strength to tell us your story. I know that, in your shoes, I probably would have just caved and would more than likely be in an asylum somewhere. The fact that you were able to actually get this out there tells me that you are a damn strong person. Just make sure you stay strong enough to keep at least a flicker of hope in life! I doubt your girlfriend would have wanted any less from you. There are always people around to talk to, here as well as in your life. Make sure to take advantage of that, something like this most certainly is not something to bear alone. But, you have my sincerest condolences. It sounds like your gf was a beautiful person, and will be missed. But don't let her sacrifice be in vain. Keep living to the fullest. For yourself, and for her. It's the best thing that you could possibly do for the both of you.

[Xerxes]

Hot damn your story, Xiious!
Not no be cynical, but think about it, seeing how fragile your loved one was, if was you the one that got ran over by the truck, it very likely that she wouldn't be able to handle another death, so she would end up commiting suicide (or worse).

Again, It's not in my intentions to offend you. At least you met somebody that truly loved you (if sacrificing her for yours is not a proof of true love, then I dunno what it is), unlike me, that I'm with constant feeling that I would never find somebody to love or to be loved, for a lot of reason, but mainly because I'm very distrustful of people. I have a hard time finding friends (or keeping them), so go figure.
You did a lot for her, that's why she never hesitated in saving you, at the expense of her life. That says a lot about you.

[Xiious]

Xiious, that is seriously a story like you see in drama's.... So sorry to hear about the accident.
Life sucks, that is why my motto is Carpe Diem. You never know what happens next, so enjoy life to the fullest.

ive learned to live with it.

Bruuuutal. I really don't know what to say to this without being contrite, but Jesus, man. I'm incredibly sorry to hear this, and my absolute condolences to you and hers. I can't imagine anything like that. The only time I've ever witnessed someone snuff it was a grandparent, and while pretty heavy, that's old age, yanno, and somewhat expected. The fact that you can just be like "hey, sup HBHC, this happened and I'm pretty messed up about it but here I am and life happens" astounds me, and I can safely say you're an extremely strong man for still hangin' in there. I'm clearly a lesser man than you, and I've got a few years and a lot more mistakes on you. (Hell, at your age, I was almost married to a terrible broad and popping Xanax like Skittles, hahah. You clearly got the up and up on old T.D.)

Man. Respect, man. Thanks for the storytime. Yer a serious dude, and don't you ever give it up. MAN.

*KNUX*

Dear Xiious,

Thank you for your story. It sound like a drama stories or a fanfic, so I' m appalled that it is true. I don't know if I can say anything that would be useful to you. I could give you the platitudes about how she wanted you to live, and wanted you to be happy too, and how you should move on... But I doubt such words would be of any use to you. I know for sure that if something like that would happen to my wife or daughter, I'd be completely at a loss.

I guess reality can be even more "dramatic" than fiction... It sucks really.

For what it's is worth, I can only offer my heartfelt sympathies. And I hope that somehow you'll find a way to be happy again.

My... god... I'm speechless. I actually teared up a bit. There really isn't much I can say about this, besides bringing up the fact that I'm amazed that you have the strength to tell us your story. I know that, in your shoes, I probably would have just caved and would more than likely be in an asylum somewhere. The fact that you were able to actually get this out there tells me that you are a damn strong person. Just make sure you stay strong enough to keep at least a flicker of hope in life! I doubt your girlfriend would have wanted any less from you. There are always people around to talk to, here as well as in your life. Make sure to take advantage of that, something like this most certainly is not something to bear alone. But, you have my sincerest condolences. It sounds like your gf was a beautiful person, and will be missed. But don't let her sacrifice be in vain. Keep living to the fullest. For yourself, and for her. It's the best thing that you could possibly do for the both of you.

Hot damn your story, Xiious!
Not no be cynical, but think about it, seeing how fragile your loved one was, if was you the one that got ran over by the truck, it very likely that she wouldn't be able to handle another death, so she would end up commiting suicide (or worse).

Again, It's not in my intentions to offend you. At least you met somebody that truly loved you (if sacrificing her for yours is not a proof of true love, then I dunno what it is), unlike me, that I'm with constant feeling that I would never find somebody to love or to be loved, for a lot of reason, but mainly because I'm very distrustful of people. I have a hard time finding friends (or keeping them), so go figure.
You did a lot for her, that's why she never hesitated in saving you, at the expense of her life. That says a lot about you.

thanks everyone... truthfully speaking, i'd have to be strong to hold on to her throughout the entire time. but i really dont feel that strong.
i couldnt finish my story last night.. it was just too much... so i hope you'll allow me to finish now...

before katawa shoujo, i was....just existing... i know its not what she wanted for me to be like. she would have wanted me to be happy, and smile again. but i went through nearly two years in my life just existing, never telling anyone what was wrong, never laughing, never out socializing...never smiling. i just didnt have the willpower to keep doing anything besides continue on with school like we had planned to do together. then, when i graduated last year, there was no happiness. mostly everything that happened is a huge blur and i cant rememeber half of it.

i had a few jobs, but they never ended well, with my bosses always eventually letting me go because i couldnt handle anything social. antidepressants didnt work, no matter what my doctor tried. so i just dealt with it. ive moved quite alot past few months, trying to find someplace where i can belong, away from the world... and so i eventually became bitter about everything. i was a nasty asshole, basically to everyone. so i started being an ass on the /v/ boards, and wouldnt you know it i came across a KS post. i trolled, i teased, i did everything nasty i could, till one of themjust told me to try it.

honest to god, before i read KS, i never cried. not at her funeral. not when i held her dieing body. i never shed a single tear.

but Rin's good story broke me to pieces, and for the first time in many years i cried. i cried about everything, and anything. i cried for days without end, until eventually i came back onto the computer. and i smiled as i looked at Rin on the screen. the turning point in my life began naught but two weeks ago, and i find myself feeling again with more emotion than ever before. i love the other 4 girls' stories equally, but there was just something about Rin that made her extra special to me. i felt once again i could look back, and smile at all the memories ive had with my girlfriend. all those happy moments are whats important, and i cherish each one of them dearly.

and i guess thats my story on the here and now. sorry it's quite a long post...

[KryingPhoenix]

Thank you for your story. I often think that it's easy to love someone, but hard to live together with someone. If there is someone we like of the appropriate sex then usually it's easy for that to turn into the beginning of love. And if they also like us they might soon start to love us back. However, love is an emotion so it isn't always rational. It doesn't take into consideration time nor place nor difficulties, nor any of the other factors that are needed to make the relationship work. Mutual support, mutual trust, mutual understanding, a willingness to work on the relationship, etc... It seems that in your previous relationship you were both not quite ready to make it work yet.

As for being "clingy"... I know I can be a bit like this too at times, but I try to help people close to me as well if I can. Don't let your shyness stop you from trying. It's like a birthday present: if you're not sure on what to give to a person, then at least give something, even if it's just a card, to show you care.

I'll agree with you on that point, as even going into the relationship part of me knew it wasn't going to be a long-lasting one. Doesn't really make breaking up less painful though.

I've gotten a bit better about overcoming my shyness to friends. A friend once told me I've got a "calming touch," so whenever I see a friend in any kind of emotional trouble, I've found a simple hug helps out when I can't find the words to say anything. Then again, I do tend to give out hugs like candy (probably out of my own desire for physical affection) but I still try to make sure that certain hugs are more heartfelt for those special moments.

Innit just, boss. Innit just. I feel ya on this, so hard. And I think Beoran hit it way better than I could have. What you've got isn't a BAD trait to have. We're a gregarious species, to be sure. It's that striking the balance between "making other people your all at the cost of YOU"and "backing right the hell off of everyone so that they don't resent you for not letting them be THEM" is such a pain in the ass, that a lotta people just up and quit and resort to the "screw everything" mentality. So don't go there, yanno. You're doin' the right thing, and you're self-aware. You've got this. Admittance of weakness is acceptance of strength. (Damn. Should I copyright that nonsense? Hahah.) Keep at it, and you'll go places.

If you don't copyright it, I just might. Although I think I went straight to acceptance of weakness while not admitting that it can be a strength in it's own light, since it does show that I care...just a bit too much at times. Finding that careful balance really is the hardest part, especially since it matters on an individual level for everyone you know.


Either way, thank you, you two. I was probably at my worst when I posted that. I've since talked to my sister-in-law (who since she's very pregnant, stuck at the house and probably craves conversation just as much as I do) and she mentioned an online article that basically summed up to "You need to learn to love yourself before you can love others." Quite obviously, this is something I've neglected and my self-esteem needs some work. How? Well, I haven't a slightest clue. But I'll figure something out. I guess this means I need to be my own white knight.

honest to god, before i read KS, i never cried. not at her funeral. not when i held her dieing body. i never shed a single tear.

It's been a long time since this story I'm about to say and I don't really remember much of the details...but the meaning is still there.

Growing up, I always been surrounded by dogs. There was one dog we adopted from a shelter named Moxie and hooo boy was that name accurate. She was everyone's friend and loved jumping up on people. She also wasn't a small dog and weighed about 1/2 to 3/4ths as much as I did. We tried a lot of things to get her to stop, but I was just a child and didn't understand. So when she jumped up on me, I got physical back, to the point where sometimes I would kick or tackle her and hold her down by the neck while yelling at her. Everyone was angry at me for doing this, but it was all I could do to get her to stop...and it worked to a degree. She didn't jump up on me as much as she did everyone else.

Moxie also had a problem with seizures, and because my dad (who payed her the most attention) often had to take business trips, she would have seizures when he left from anxiety and when he came back from excitement. One day, she finally had a seizure that was ended her life while I was asleep. I was upset and missed her, but I didn't cry very much. Part of me blamed myself for my violent behavior with Moxie and I held that guilt for years until I finally broke down crying in front of my dad.

Pardon me as I go Inception and tell a story in this story.
When my father was still a child, his youngest sister died of an illness. Like 90% of all marriages, this destroyed the marriage of his parents. And he didn't cry at all. For years he didn't, or just couldn't, cry for her. Like me, he had some breaking point that didn't seem to happen based on any event, but just couldn't hold on to the pain anymore and cried as a release to his mother.

I still remember that night, crying with my dad. I know he told me something, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was. But it was something to the effect of "Even for a man, it's alright to cry if you're truly hurt. And the loss of a loved one hurts the most."

Jeez, this posted ended up quite a bit longer than I intended...

[Xiious]

It feels much better to share my story than just holding it in for years.

[Total Destruction]

It feels much better to share my story than just holding it in for years.

Truth. Always the truth.

more storytime

Aw, man. I really like dogs these days because I was a right dick to all animals when I was a little kid, too. I feel ya.

Listen to the old school, kids. They know a thing or two.