I wake up this morning thankful for a quiet night. Yesterday's meeting with Hisao was at least hopeful, which may be why the nightmares remained at bay. I'm really looking forward to today, because, if all goes well, we'll be spending the entire day together. Then again, I always feel better about things when I'm with Hisao.
Well, almost always, anyway.
I take my shower a little later than I'd like this morning. The only other girl in the hall that stayed over the break is an early riser, so I can usually avoid her pretty easily, but today I haven't even heard her come out. I don't think I've ever spoken to Yoshimura, and she didn't care much for Lilly either. When I've heard her talking to our other hallmate, she's never referred to Lilly by name, always as "that foreign girl", or some variation of it. I used to think that one day I'd be able to ask her why, but now it seems a bit pointless.
After waiting as long as I can, I make my way to the bathroom. Once I'm done with my shower, I do something I usually try to avoid: I take a good look at myself in the large mirror over the sinks. I take the lock of hair that covers my right eye and tuck it behind my ear, and I stare at the reflected image.
What does he see when I do this?
On those rare occasions when I allowed myself to fantasize about falling in love, I thought the biggest obstacle would be what I see in this mirror. For Hisao, if this sight mattered, it was for a very short time. I thought the next biggest obstacle would be my own difficulty in dealing with people. It took some time, but given that I was able to confess to Hisao, that's behind me, too. The obstacle I'm facing now, though, isn't one I'd even considered, because those first two had always seemed insurmountable.
As I leave the bathroom and finish getting ready to go, my heart aches just a bit. Even after taking a few days to think about it, Hisao still doesn't know how he feels about me. Objectively, I understand the reasons for it, but that doesn't make it any easier, and I have no idea what I should do next. If I continue to give him time to think, would that just leave an opening for Emi? If I continue to spend time with him, in the hopes that it will help him to recognize his feelings, would that feel like I'm pushing him too much?
I've been doing the first, and it hasn't helped either of us much, so that leaves the second. Maybe that's why it feels like there's so much riding on today. I don't necessarily expect anything, but I'm hoping that there will be some sign that this is the right way to move forward. As I finish getting dressed, this thought carries me down to the bus stop.
I haven't been waiting long when I see Hisao come through the front gates. I wave, smiling slightly, as he approaches. "Thanks for coming with me," I say, feeling a bit nervous. "Are you...sure you're all right with this?"
"Yeah, the nurse said I should be fine," he replies.
That's not what I meant, Hisao...
Before I can say anything, though, the bus pulls in. We find seats on the left side, so I slide in toward the window. I'm beginning to become more comfortable with riding the bus now, but I'm still relieved to see only a few other people in the seats. Once the bus pulls out, I ask, "Do you...know Naomi and Natsume?"
After thinking for a moment, Hisao answers, "Not really. I doubt I've said more than a few words to either of them. Is there something I should know?"
"Well...neither of them is really that sensitive about why they're at Yamaku. Naomi is epileptic, but Natsume knows what to watch for in case of a seizure..."
"Huh...I didn't think it was a good idea for someone with epilepsy to use a computer a lot."
"Naomi's condition isn't...photosensitive." Hisao nods, so I continue. "Natsume has trouble walking sometimes due to her...arthritis. Apparently her...odd eye coloring is due to...iridocyclitis, which is also a symptom."
Hisao shifts a bit uneasily. "I guess there's a fair number of people who are open about their conditions. It makes me feel even worse about being so secretive about mine when I came here."
I giggle a bit. "No, I think Naomi just has a big mouth." Hisao laughs, and we continue talking about various things for the rest of the brief bus ride.
We arrive at the train station a few minutes after noon. Hisao gets us drinks from a vending machine, and we make our way up to the platform. As we stand there waiting, I realize that the last time either of us was here was on our trip to Hokkaido with Lilly. I'm not sure how Hisao is feeling, but for once, thinking about that trip doesn't immediately give me negative feelings.
I look over at Hisao, who appears to be lost in thought himself. He must be able to feel me watching him, as he says, "A lot has happened since the last time we were here, hasn't it?"
I nod in response. I remember, before Lilly left, I used to play a game with myself, trying to track what might have happened to the three of us if we'd never gone to Hokkaido. The outcome I wanted changed sometimes, and even then I didn't always reach it. I'm not sure why I'm even thinking about it now, because the game's not fun anymore. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself occupied so I don't get any more nervous.
A few minutes later, the train arrives, and we look for Naomi and Natsume. We quickly spot Naomi's unusual hair color several meters down the platform, and Hisao waves to her. She sees him and looks confused for a moment, then spots me as well. "Hey! Ikezawa!" she calls out, and next to her I can see Natsume wincing at the loud voice.
The two of them start to make their way over to us through the crowd, and Hisao takes a step toward them. He quickly stops and turns around, holding his hand out to me. I gratefully reach out and take it, and the two of us walk towards them side by side.
"Good to see you out and about, Ikezawa," Naomi says as our two groups come together at the escalator. I'm not sure how to respond to her, as usual, but thankfully I don't have to, because she immediately looks over to Hisao. "You're Nakai, right?"
"That's me," he says with a slight bow. "And you're Inoue." Naomi smiles slightly in affirmation. "I know we haven't talked much, but I've heard quite a bit about you and Ooe from Hanako." Hisao nods in Natsume's direction as he says this, and Natsume bows slightly in response.
Naomi continues to smile, "I've heard some about you from her, too," she says candidly. She follows with a wink, saying, "I think you two make a cute couple." At the remark, I retreat a little further behind Hisao. He opens his mouth to respond, but Naomi cuts him off. "Not a good place to talk here, Nakai. We're supposed to be having lunch anyway. Come on, I know a place in the next block. The newspaper club president before me used to take us there sometimes to brainstorm."
Naomi starts to walk briskly, leaving the rest of us in her wake. Natsume turns to us somewhat apologetically. "It's best to just follow her, I think," she says with a resigned tone. The three of us do our best, but quickly lag behind. "Pleased to meet you as well, Nakai. I don't believe we've spoken at all. Unfortunate."
As I wonder what she means by that, the three of us emerge onto the sidewalk a few paces behind Naomi. The street is busier than when we arrived, and since we went out a different way than we came in, I'm in unfamiliar territory. Instinctively, I pull myself closer to Hisao, grabbing his arm with my free hand and pressing against his back. Natsume gives me an odd look, which unsettles me further. I know it's probably just because she's never seen me do this before, but my instincts put me on guard anyway.
Naomi guides us to a small, nondescript-looking café that she says should be quiet, even at lunch time. We walk in and see that, despite the crowds on the street, the place is only about half-full. Naomi doesn't know that this is the worst situation for me, but I don't really want to tell her right now, either. The waitress guides us to a booth, and I sit on the inside, with Hisao on my right.
After we place our order, Naomi immediately starts telling us about all the things they saw in Hokkaido. They spent three days in Sapporo, but Naomi mostly talked about going to Sounkyo Onsen in Daisetsuzan National Park. I begin to tune out a bit, because I really have no interest in hot springs. I look over at Hisao, and it seems he's glazing over a bit as well.
Natsume occasionally interjects with her own observations, but she spends a lot of time looking at her phone in between for some reason. When she does say something, it's mostly about the volcanoes they saw, which I've noticed hold some sort of fascination for her. She apparently especially enjoyed their trip to the Shikotsu caldera.
We're now mostly done with our meal, and Naomi decides to change the topic. "So, what have you two been doing since we left? Anything...interesting?" She smiles a bit slyly, and I look down a bit, embarrassed to answer. Hisao also remains silent for a moment, and from the corner of my eye I can see his cheeks reddening. While Naomi likes to tease people, her current tone feels more like she's baiting Hisao, but that could just be me.
After finishing the last bite of his lunch, Hisao says, "Well, we did go to a karaoke place the other day. It was the first time I'd done karaoke in years. Hanako's voice sounded really nice." Hisao looks at me, hoping I'll join the conversation, but it feels like I physically can't lift my head. He must notice, because his look turns slightly apologetic.
"Huh," Naomi responds. "I didn't know you liked karaoke, Ikezawa. Ooe and I did it at one of the hotels we stayed at in Sapporo. It was a blast! We should go together some time!"
While I cringe at that prospect, Natsume leans across the table towards Hisao. "Listen, Nakai...no offense, but would you mind vacating the premises for a bit? Our train is going to be here soon, and there are some things that we girls would like to discuss. Would you mind?"
Hisao frowns briefly, glancing in my direction. I'm not exactly sure what they might want to discuss, but I'm curious despite my growing uneasiness. Still, it seems important, and I've talked to these two before, so I try to reassure Hisao. "Don't worry...I won't l-leave without you," I say with a small smile and in as light a voice as I can muster.
Hisao looks at me questioningly, as if asking if I'm sure, so I nod. "No problem," he says with his own small smile, and glances at his watch. "Looks like twenty minutes or so before your train, so I'll come back in ten. Okay?"
"We appreciate it, Nakai!" Naomi says with a smile as he gets up out of the booth and leaves.
Although I can feel myself tensing up, there is one thing I want to make sure to say. "N-Naomi, I'm...sorry about n-not coming with you. I w-was the one who asked you..."
"Don't even think about it, Ikezawa," she says, then pauses for a bit before continuing. "You don't have to tell me anything, but I know you like Nakai, and you probably wanted to be there for him after he broke up with your friend, right?" I'm a little surprised at how easily Naomi can say that, but that's her personality. I nod slowly in response. "That's kind of why we wanted to talk to you," she continues with a meaningful look at Natsume. "There's something you might want to know."
I look back and forth at the two, and Naomi gestures to Natsume to say something. "We don't have a lot of time, so I'll get right to the point," Natsume says in a serious tone. "Normally, I wouldn't say anything about something like this, but Naomi insisted. I have it on good authority that Nakai was seen kissing Ibarazaki yesterday at the track."
I startle a little at hearing this, but I'm not entirely surprised by it. I just didn't expect to hear it from these two. "This isn't just s-something from...the r-rumor mill?"
Natsume waves her hand dismissively. "Pssshhh...amateurs. I trust my reporter's instincts over any of them. Anyone who would accept Miki Miura's word as a source should have her head examined. Anyway, the point is, this wasn't just a little peck, this was pretty intimate."
I guess I was right. Giving Hisao space really did open things up for Emi.
And I'm jumping again. I need more information.
"S-so...who's your s-source?"
Natsume looks at me incredulously. "You've got to be kidding me, Hanako. A good reporter never reveals her sources. If she does, they become unreliable, because she loses their trust."
Naomi leans over and whispers, "Hamaguchi called last night, looking to score some points."
Natsume rolls her eyes in a particularly annoyed manner. "Fine, then. She's right, it was Taka-Taka."
"The f-first year?" I stammer out. Takako Hamaguchi is one of the other new members of the newspaper club, whom I've only met once. She mostly transcribes notes onto the computer because she can type faster than anyone else in the club, and some of the other members call her "Taka-Taka" because that's the sound her fingers make on the ancient keyboards in the club room.
"Irrelevant," Natsume says dismissively. "She's got a knack for knowing where to be, and when to be there, to collect information. I wouldn't be surprised if she takes my job next year. In fact, I wish she would, because nobody else cares about actual reporting." She sighs, then drains the rest of her tea and puts the cup down with a loud clank. "Anyway, that's not the point. The question is: what are you going to do with this information?"
Natsume looks straight at me, and I drop my gaze to the table in front of me. "I...d-don't know," I say in return.
"You don't know?" Naomi shouts loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear, and for me to jump a little. Natsume puts her face in her hand in embarrassment, but Naomi is undaunted. In a loud whisper, she says, "How can you not know? Come on, Ikezawa, this is
love we're talking about. You gotta do
something, right? At least confront him with the information!"
I'm not sure which is more intimidating, Naomi's voice or Natsume's stare, but I can barely stammer out a reply as I shrink even further back into my seat. "I...a-already know...about Emi."
Natsume cocks her head at me, a curious look on her face. Naomi, finally seeing my nervousness, stares out the window as she says, "Okay, Ikezawa, it's kinda loud in here, but I think you just said you already know about Ibarazaki. If I heard wrong, just...shake your head or something."
"N-no...I do. I...can't r-really talk about it..." That's the literal truth, I think. Trying to explain the situation to these two would be disastrous. Even with Naomi backing off, I'm still starting to feel like I'm suffocating.
This is bad...
Natsume, seeing Naomi's gesture, leans back against the bench seat herself. "Hanako, I know you and Nakai aren't officially dating or anything, but I wanted you to have this information as a repayment for picking up some of my slack with the club. What you do with it is your business, of course, but I agree with Naomi that you should..."
Suddenly, Naomi puts a hand on Natsume's shoulder, then gestures with a nod toward something behind me. Natsume breaks off, leaving Naomi to whisper, "All right, then, Ikezawa, I just hope you know what you're doing. If you need any advice, call me or Ooe, okay? Welcome back, Nakai!" she says, raising her voice again, doing nothing to ease my tension.
"Thanks...I think," Hisao says with a confused smile. His smile fades quickly into a look of concern when he sees me, though. "Are you all right, Hanako?"
While I usually wouldn't want him to see me like this, it does present me with the opportunity to get clear of this situation. I look plaintively up at Hisao and say, "I'm...a l-little tired, I think. M-maybe we should...go back after this."
"Are you sure?" After I nod, Hisao turns to the other two. "Well, I guess we're headed back to Yamaku after all. It was good to finally get a chance to talk to both of you. Enjoy your trip!"
"We will, Nakai," replies Naomi. "Enjoy the rest of your break, too," she says, with what sounds like a touch of distaste in her voice. Of course, I might be imagining that, too.
After our farewells, we make our way back through the train station to the bus stop. I'm clinging to Hisao's arm and back again, this time for physical support as well. His pace is slower than normal, which gives me the opportunity to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. When we finally get to the stop and find a place to sit down, Hisao asks me, "So, what happened back there? You seemed like you were...well..."
"...about to have an attack?" I say in a small voice.
"Something like that," Hisao mumbles apologetically.
"I'm...not sure. I'm just...glad I didn't have to f-find out." I try to say it jokingly, but my shaky voice betrays me.
Hisao frowns a bit, then asks, "Was it something they said?" Although I hesitate for a moment, I realize I can't really deny it, so I nod again. "Is it something you can tell me?"
I take a deep breath before saying, "Natsume said...s-someone saw you and Emi...kissing yesterday." Hisao closes his eyes, then turns his face to the ground. "It's t-true, then?"
Hisao lets out a heavy sigh, then looks back at me. "Yes, it is. She was blaming herself for me collapsing on the track, and telling me she didn't want to lose me. Then...she kissed me." Hisao lets out another sigh, then turns away again, saying, "And yes, I kissed her back."
"Oh," is all I can say. I suddenly start to feel nauseous, but it's not from panic this time. Even though I knew something like this was likely to happen, it still makes me feel a bit empty. For a few long minutes, we sit there in silence with the sun beating down on us, not even the slightest hint of motion in the air.
When the bus arrives, we sit in the same positions we did on the way in. Rather than look at Hisao, I gaze out the window, wondering why I feel this way. Even when Hisao and Lilly were together, I never felt hollow like this...maybe because back then, being with Hisao was just a fantasy for me. Now that there's actually a chance that it could happen, the pain is much more acute.
I cast a glance over at Hisao, and he's looking out the window on the other side. I risk a longer look, but he doesn't seem to want to look at me, either. Is he feeling this emptiness, too? Or is he just embarrassed about what happened?
But he shouldn't be...
The thought comes unbidden, but really, under the circumstances, I should be the one who's embarrassed by my reaction. I've already admitted to myself that I should have expected at least that much to happen between them. And now, my reaction has ruined what should have been a fun day with Hisao.
Just like I did that day at the convenience store...
After we get off the bus, Hisao and I start walking toward the dorms, and I feel like I need to say something about it. "I'm...sorry about today, Hisao. It s-seems like I just...ruin everything."
Hisao looks at me questioningly. "Do you...really think that? That
you're the one who ruined things?" Before I can reply, Hisao starts to laugh bitterly. "That's...Hanako, if anyone has ruined things it's me. You couldn't go on your trip because I've been so wrapped up in myself that I can't make sense of my own feelings. I've been so wrapped up in everything that's been going on around me that I nearly died."
Hearing this is the last blow to my own façade, and I burst out with a truth of my own. "I never wanted to go on that trip!"
Hisao jumps a bit and looks at me with wide eyes. "W-what do you mean?"
We've reached the entrance to the girls' dorm now, Hisao having walked with me all the way here. After my brief outburst, I've lost what energy I had, and I lean back against the building as I try my best to say this without stammering. "I...wanted you and Lilly to be able to spend the break together without...having to worry about me. I...wanted to show you I could be strong, so even after you broke up...I didn't want to admit it." I close my eyes, unable to look at Hisao, and I can feel what little composure I'd built up disintegrating. "After today...y-you can see how much I messed up. I can b-barely talk to Naomi, and I even confessed my feelings before I should have...and...and..."
At this point, I can feel Hisao's arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest. "I...think we've both messed up pretty badly," he murmurs. His mouth is close to my ear, and I can feel his breath.
I return his embrace, and I'm still surprised at how it can calm me so quickly. After a little while, I separate myself from him just enough to see his face. "Hisao," I say quietly, "I...don't think I want to be alone...right now. C-could you...keep me company...for a while?"
This seems to take him by surprise, but he recovers quickly. "Sure," he says gently. "I think we have a lot to talk about," he continues with a half-smile. I move away from him, then turn and open the door, leading him into the building.
~~~~
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Notes:
Like the last few chapters, this one took a bit longer. I'm blaming it on the holidays. Sorry!
Also, as an aside (mainly directed to Lost in the Fire), I'm not sure I'd be allowed to post a sample of the character voices I use in my story. I asked Silentcook about it after my post about it got deleted, but he hasn't responded yet, so for now I will err on the side of caution and not post anything.
Anyway, as always, I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and feedback is more than welcome!
.
(I move computers around, and throw parts at broken computers as my day job.)
Also, the whole "spend some time with me.. alone... in my room!" thing means Hanako has hit full on desperation mode, right? Confirm I'm not just crazy!