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Sneaking up on someone with a heart condition is probably not one of Aiko's brightest ideas.

That makes her very punctual, which, in turn, led us out here long before the noon deadline—to ensure she doesn't go searching through the dorms.

If she really is that punctual, why are they so afraid she might be early this time?

Learn something new every day...
“So, I'm a dirty foreigner?”

She didn't know where she was born? Isn't that kind of information on your identity card?

Mom held this speech back at Dad's funeral...

I first read this the wrong way. Didn't make any sense. You might want to reword it for clarity.

I just hope the scene isn't prefaced with more hanky-panky. I've grown quite tired of reading it, to be frank.

Seconded.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Has there really been no posts since 11 AM? I was sure there'd be a bunch more by the time I managed to get home from Uni and type all this up. Anyway, here goes...

Wednesday is a really slow day for releasing anything, I've noticed.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:I probably shouldn't sugar-coat it...

Helbereth wrote:“Back in February, he received a confession from his crush, and... I met him a few days after he started in June.”

I'm of the opinion that first part of the story isn't relevant. She did just decide not to sugar coat it. She should just mention the arrhythmia, and clarify that it's a heart condition. "How we met" should be another conversation entirely. Perhaps after that awkward silence a few paragraphs later.

She prefaces the situation, delivers the incident, explains the aftermath, and leads up to their introduction. Instead of trying to fill the description with subjective, editorial phrases, she just explains the major points to Hisao's story as they're related to his condition. That way the only questions Mom has left to ask are related directly to the condition, rather than the incidents surrounding its emergence.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:I always thought the cafe's name was a misspelled musical term...

Oh Aiko, has no one ever taught you what puns and wordplay are? Poor dear. Unless that's supposed to be in English. In which case, you're excused.

Yes, it's in English. Were it Japanese, she likely wouldn't be identifying 'metro' and 'gnome' as being related to 'metronome'.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:I find myself looking over her attire again, if only because I'm starting to entertain the idea of imitating her style.

Always got an excuse to describe someone in intricate detail, don't you?

You'll notice I didn't specifically describe Hisao's attire, or Aiko's at all, and the waitress gets a limited description because she's told to look. She mentions Ina's clothes because of her fascination, which she then relates back to an earlier idea.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:pig-tailed

I pictured the wrong pig-tail for a second there. That's not a hairstyle that comes up often in mature fiction, I guess.

Her age is never mentioned, but she's probably school-age (late teens), which excuses the youthful style, I think.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:exaggerated caricature of her gregarious nature, seems like the antithesis of her bright, cheerful self

Bit of sesquipedalian loquaciousness, I see. Perhaps simpler words would be more appropriate, especially for someone rather lax towards languages like Aiko.

It might be a little out of Aiko's range, though it's mostly words that have already appeared.
"This one, instead of being an exaggeration of her gregarious nature, seems like the opposite of her bright, cheerful self."
The word 'caricature' is probably unnecessary since that's just a more specific exaggeration, and might be out of Aiko's wheel-house. I suppose 'opposite' can stand in for 'antithesis', even if it lacks the same amount of impact. As for 'gregarious', and the rest, they already saw rotation elsewhere.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:I doubt she really wants to know about Hisao's virility, either...

They were just talking about it like twenty minutes ago. Not to mention,

Helbereth wrote:“You asked, remember?”

Comparatively speaking, Mom was going into some rather specific detail, at least in her mind, rather than just mentioning it like a scorecard. Plus, Aiko didn't ask, and cringes at the very thought of hearing details about her parents' love life. Also, her statement is 'I doubt she really wants to know', which seems to indicate an observation about the intent behind Ina's query, rather than the questions themselves--she's inferring that her mom doesn't really want those specifics either, even if she was interested in the 'high points'.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:body-pillow~!

I'm glad you used the English terminology. Very glad.

I don't know the Japanese terminology... and why would I use that, anyway? The closest I get to any Japanese terms are the occasional honorifics.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:“You'll do,” she replies flatly, “There is no try.”

Heh.

What is Ina if not a corollary to Yoda?

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:Hideo Kurai.

Another reference, I take it? I don't recall whether we heard his name before, but in any case it sounds like a reference to Mr. Kojima.

A little bit. Looking through names, I found that Hideo means 'splendid man' or something similar, which associates well to the perception Aiko has of her father throughout the story. Aside from that, I gravitated toward Hideo over other similar-meaning names because of the MGS creator.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Helbereth wrote:dig past the box of oversized condoms, which is curiously open

Hmm... I wonder how that happened... maybe it was made you look. I guess we'll never know. >:3

Amaya has a key to Aiko's dorm... And she sent Yoko in there alone earlier(and Hisao had her searching for something Aiko didn't mention)... So, there's more than one suspect.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Sneaking up on someone with a heart condition is probably not one of Aiko's brightest ideas.

There's validity to that. However, she's done it before to no ill effect, and Misha does it several times, so I don't think it's quite as surprising as you're thinking--especially when accompanied by the silly question and giggling.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

That makes her very punctual, which, in turn, led us out here long before the noon deadline—to ensure she doesn't go searching through the dorms.

If she really is that punctual, why are they so afraid she might be early this time?

Because they're not that punctual, so they got there early so as not to unintentionally show up late--that's just logic.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Learn something new every day...
“So, I'm a dirty foreigner?”

She didn't know where she was born? Isn't that kind of information on your identity card?

How much time do you spend looking at your ID card? Personally, I haven't looked at mine in 10 years, and even then all I checked was the birth-date and picture.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Mom held this speech back at Dad's funeral...

I first read this the wrong way. Didn't make any sense. You might want to reword it for clarity.

It would help if you described how it read wrong because I'm not seeing the problem.

Hoitash wrote:

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote: I just hope the scene isn't prefaced with more hanky-panky. I've grown quite tired of reading it, to be frank.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Seconded.

At least its plot related and not superfluous.

I blame Aiko, myself. Girl bottled up all that sexual energy and then unleashed it on the poor bastard who fell in love with her.

Worse ways to direct it, I suppose

I recall someone among those present here, badgering me in comments with the equivalent of "When are they gonna fuck?"
Be careful what you ask for.

On their recent sexual Olympics:
There has been a lot of that tension building for a long while, they've only had the past few days to realize some of those fantasies, they're sharing a small, reasonably private space, and they're separating for several weeks starting tomorrow. Toss in raging teenage hormones and dirty minds, along with parental approval, and you have a perfect storm for concentrated sexual gratification.

Of course, I'm pretty sure I already well-established that in the narrative, so I probably won't get terribly specific about their activities between here and Hisao's impending departure.

How much time do you spend looking at your ID card? Personally, I haven't looked at mine in 10 years, and even then all I checked was the birth-date and picture.

Neither do I, but at the very least I would look at it when it is first issued to me, and if it says "Rome" instead of "Tokyo" under Place of Birth, I would really notice and not likely forget about it either.

It would help if you described how it read wrong because I'm not seeing the problem.

"Mom held this speech back at Dad's funeral..."
Depending on where you put the stress when reading it, it can mean two exactly opposite things:
She held the speech back - at the funeral = She refrained from giving the speech at the funeral.
She held the speech - back at the funeral = The time when she held the speech was "back at the funeral."

Mirage_GSM wrote:"Mom held this speech back at Dad's funeral..."
Depending on where you put the stress when reading it, it can mean two exactly opposite things:
She held the speech back - at the funeral = She refrained from giving the speech at the funeral.
She held the speech - back at the funeral = The time when she held the speech was "back at the funeral."

I would think the second one requires a comma between 'speech' and 'back'. Otherwise, go with the first.

griffon8 wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:"Mom held this speech back at Dad's funeral..."
Depending on where you put the stress when reading it, it can mean two exactly opposite things:
She held the speech back - at the funeral = She refrained from giving the speech at the funeral.
She held the speech - back at the funeral = The time when she held the speech was "back at the funeral."

I would think the second one requires a comma between 'speech' and 'back'. Otherwise, go with the first.

I'm not sure it does:

Because I'm tall, I'm good at basketball.
I'm good at basketball because I'm tall.
Back at McDonald's, I met my friends.
I met my friends back at McDonald's.

Related: garden path sentences.

Helbereth wrote:That way the only questions Mom has left to ask are related directly to the condition,

The condition was what she was asking about though, and instead Aiko gives her Hisao's life story. The story she tells is the "how" of his enrolment at Yamaku, where the arrhythmia is the "why". See, look;

Helbereth wrote:“You're wondering why he's at Yamaku?” I ask, desiring clarity.

She nods and winces, then sighs, “Yes, I suppose... I didn't quite know how to ask...”

So, I'll again register my objection to Hisao's past being a wrapper for the answer of the question. It can't be helped if you feel differently, though.

Helbereth wrote:Yes, it's in English. Were it Japanese, she likely wouldn't be identifying 'metro' and 'gnome' as being related to 'metronome'.

Then since you're writing Japanese as English, it would be best to point out that the English-English at that point is different to the English-Japanese everywhere else.

Helbereth wrote:Aiko didn't ask

The sentence I quoted was said by Aiko to Ina, referring to Ina asking about it. However, with your clarification regarding intent vs. literality, I'll let it slide. It would be worth making that more clear in future.

Helbereth wrote:I don't know the Japanese terminology... and why would I use that, anyway?

Dakimakura. It's very commonly used, even by Western folk. I daresay more commonly than body-pillow. Hence why I'm glad you didn't use it.

Mirage_GSM wrote:She didn't know where she was born? Isn't that kind of information on your identity card?

I don't know what kind of identity card you have, but my ID is my driver's license, and it says nothing about place of birth on there. One could say it was implicit, but my Kiwi friend, Melissa, has a valid Australian driver's license as well, and it isn't any different.

Mirage_GSM wrote:If she really is that punctual, why are they so afraid she might be early this time?

I think the concern was not that Ina would be early, but rather that they'd be late, so they overcompensated.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote: So, I'll again register my objection to Hisao's past being a wrapper for the answer of the question. It can't be helped if you feel differently, though.

She's eliminating further questions by relating the surrounding story. Instead of just saying Hisao has arrhythmia, then fielding a series of questions about the origin, she lays out everything she knows, which, once Ina has a moment to sort things out, allows the conversation to immediately rejoin the present without further back and forth on the particulars of the past.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:Then since you're writing Japanese as English, it would be best to point out that the English-English at that point is different to the English-Japanese everywhere else.

This is a case where I left the context to inform my audience rather than being blatantly obvious--trusting my audience.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote: Dakimakura. It's very commonly used, even by Western folk. I daresay more commonly than body-pillow. Hence why I'm glad you didn't use it.

I've never heard the term once... it sounds like a bathroom cleaner, or some kind of shower product.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:...identity card?

I don't know what kind of identity card you have, but my ID is my driver's license, and it says nothing about place of birth on there.

Basically this... I'd have to look up my birth certificate to find out my place of birth(I didn't do that until I entered the work force and had to provide ID for employment), and Aiko would need reason to look it up (as far as she knows she was born in Japan, as she was never informed otherwise).

I don't know what kind of identity card you have, but my ID is my driver's license, and it says nothing about place of birth on there.

My driver's license doesn't have that information either... I was talking about the personal ID card. Here everybody is issued one when they turn 16, and you need it when you want to go abroad or any time you want something from the authorities, like when you move or apply for a passport, etc. You're also advised to carry it with you at all times.
Don't you have those in the US?

She held the speech back - at the funeral = She refrained from giving the speech at the funeral.
She held the speech - back at the funeral = The time when she held the speech was "back at the funeral."

I would think the second one requires a comma between 'speech' and 'back'. Otherwise, go with the first.

No, both can go without a comma.

In other cases, though, commas can save lives, e.g.:

Let's go eat(,) grandpa!

Mirage_GSM wrote:Don't you have those in the US?

I'm assuming based on Helbereth's response that that's a no. We don't have them here in Australia either. There's various things that can be used as ID (e.g. vehicular licenses, passport, healthcare card, etc.) but not one single ID card specifically for that purpose.

BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:Don't you have those in the US?

I'm assuming based on Helbereth's response that that's a no. We don't have them here in Australia either. There's various things that can be used as ID (e.g. vehicular licenses, passport, healthcare card, etc.) but not one single ID card specifically for that purpose.

Correct. We get a driver license and/or a state ID for photo identification. If you wanna leave the country, you need a passport (or to get back in, in some cases.) Birth location and stuff like that is usually just on our birth certificates.

In other words, a photo ID is our personal identification card, and its usually just a driver license.

I imagine the close proximity of so many countries has affected Europe's ID laws.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Don't you have those in the US?

Nope. No singular form of ID here contains every bit of personal information--nothing we carry around, anyway. Typically, the ID we carry around is either a state issued card, or a driver's license with the same information (they're similarly designed) and you don't need the ID card if you have the license. These contain a photo, birth date, address, phone number, social security number, and sometimes pertinent medical information, but have no background information beyond that.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

In other cases, though, commas can save lives, e.g.:

Let's go eat(,) grandpa!

Since this keeps cropping up, how about I make a slight alteration:
"Mom withheld this speech at Dad's funeral"

Did a bit of what I'm euphemistically calling research.
Here's what I was talking about: Personal Identification

Seems Japan doesn't have them in that form either, so forget I said anything.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Did a bit of what I'm euphemistically calling research.
Here's what I was talking about: Personal Identification

Seems Japan doesn't have them in that form either, so forget I said anything.

Considering the amount of information on German IDs, I can understand why you'd think that would be an issue, if that means anything. To me, that seems like an excessive amount of information to have all on one little card.

Well, it's only name, date and place of birth, nationality, adress, height, eye colour and the issuing authority - no biometrics so far
But considering it is meant to identify it's holder, that's to be expected.
Fun fact: you must not smile on the photo

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, it's only name, date and place of birth, nationality, adress, height, eye colour and the issuing authority - no biometrics so far
But considering it is meant to identify it's holder, that's to be expected.
Fun fact: you must not smile on the photo

Weird... if you're not supposed to smile, why is the woman on that wiki page smiling?