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Silentcook wrote:

Riakai wrote:"Shut up Kun!"

The point being made here is that the -kun suffix is a Japanese honorific commonly used for (among other things) friendly nicknames and mascots, so you have both an unlikely abbreviation and a source of puns, both straight-language and cross-language, massive enough to make my head hurt.

Enamdict actually lists 君 (the kanji for the honorific) as a name*, as well as three other kanji with the same reading.

But still, there's no n (ん) in Kunitarou (just a ni に), so it'd be weird to abbreviate it to Kun. A name starting with Kun', such as Kun'ichirou, would work.

*Doesn't mean there are actual people with that name. I hope there are no actual people with that name.

Vempele wrote:

Silentcook wrote:

Riakai wrote:"Shut up Kun!"

The point being made here is that the -kun suffix is a Japanese honorific commonly used for (among other things) friendly nicknames and mascots, so you have both an unlikely abbreviation and a source of puns, both straight-language and cross-language, massive enough to make my head hurt.

Enamdict actually lists 君 (the kanji for the honorific) as a name*, as well as three other kanji with the same reading.

But still, there's no n (ん) in Kunitarou (just a ni に), so it'd be weird to abbreviate it to Kun. A name starting with Kun', such as Kun'ichirou, would work.

*Doesn't mean there are actual people with that name. I hope there are no actual people with that name.

Hrm, weeeeeeell, I'll have to change his name now, or make it a possible joke.
Mostlikelychangingit
EDIT: Just realized a slight derivation of my username's abbreviation, Ria, can be a name. (Rai)
Probably gonna change it to that.

Riakai wrote:

AnathRaema wrote:I have just about dick-all to add constructively, so I'm just going to tell you that so far, it's looking pretty good. If not a bit short, though that's not a problem.

Don't worry, my chapters will all be the size of the two released chapters combined from here on out. Aiming to have at least 5k-7.5k words minimum from now on.

Also making use of in depth Chapter Outlines from here on out, instead of wingin' it from basic notes.

Sounds good, especially the in depth chapter outlines. Winging it can only get you so far. I am enjoying it so far though, so good work my friend.

Merged Chapter 1 (Part 1/2) and Chapter 2 into one chapter as to make it a nicer length. Nothing too major. Finishing the last bit of Chapter 2 currently, still have to proofread it myself, and send it to my editor, the oh-so-fabulous forgetmenot.

Edit: I noticed our sigs are similar, Anath c;

Sorry for the wait, been trying my hand at drawing again. Not bad, in my opinion. Posting doodles after I post this.
I also tried my hand at making the outline for this chapter cover as much as the last two chapters, let's hope that helps flesh out the length more.
Small profanity warning, as well.
OH, AND CHAPTER TITLES.
Previous Chapter
"We're Making News!"


What the-?
Why am I still...?
Stupidstupidstupid...

I stand myself up, my back cracking loudly, and look around, attempting to confirm my assumption.

Correct.
I woke up in a room filled with a bunch of girls, and one other guy.
Let's hope for the best here.

I look at my watch, and realize it's extremely early.

Like, not-even-five-in-the-morning-yet, kind of early.

I decide to gather myself and leave, when I hear a stirring from back in the corner.

"...whatmomI'mgettingupshuttup..." Ayao says, as she starts leaning up from...
Oh dear...
"...What," she says, gathering herself immediately, recognizing her surroundings, then turning and looking at Rai, who she had been sleeping on.

Emphasis on "on."

"Oh my god, what... Did we... Wha...?" she starts stammering, looking at me, then Rai, then me again.

This is awkward.

I turn around from the door, and sit myself down on a little chair I'd been sitting in last night.
My temples decide it'd be a good idea to start throbbing slightly.

Rai wakes up too, and sees Ayao basically on top of him.

He starts to grin, and he yelps, "Oh boy!"
That sends Ayao into a fit of blushing that's probably near the same color as her hair.

Thankfully, Natsume decides it would be a good idea to wake up as well, her hair in a mess from sleeping on the seat cushion, then bluntly speaks, "...Fuck."

That wakes up Naomi, who had also been sleeping on a chair cushion, but, instead of braving the synthetic cold, strategically used her jacket to cover herself.

"Eheheh... Whoops..." she says, blushing lightly, "We just had to start watching those dubs that late..."

"Don't blame yourself, Naomi... We both had a good enough play in this," Natsume says, earning a slight nod from her, and a few confused glances from the rest of us, "Besides, best first day ever, am I right Hisao?" she adds quickly.

"...Well, yes, better than I expected," I say, nodding lightly as I speak.

To be fair, I did enjoy myself. But...
I fell asleep.
In a Club Room.
Overnight.

Ayao looks over everyone sheepishly, then over the massive mess, quietly saying, "We should probably get the place put back together... We have a few hours before most everyone is waking up anyways..."

Natsume and Naomi glance back at each other, then Ayao, and a small peak towards Rai, then they both giggle faintly.
The two, oblivious, both start for the door at the same time. Ayao jumps a bit, but quickly manages to right herself, and then whispers something in Rai's ear. Rai nods, quickly, and takes her hand in his, both of them jumping a bit at the - most likely- planned contact, then the pair walk away.

I turn away from the door, and look back at Naomi and Natsume, to see the pair jump, and then high-five giddily after their landing.

"Yes!!!" they both yell, seconds after the high-five.

"Er... Did I just witness a hook-up?" I mutter at no one in particular.

They look back and forth, their eyes flitting between me and each other.

"Maybe~!" says Naomi, her lilt reminding me of a certain pink haired girl.

Natsume sighs, "Don't beat around the bush: Yes, of course we did. It's primarily why we all sta-," she's cut off by a friendly punch and a grimace likely to scare the Devil into submission, leading Natsume to finish with a sigh, "Nothing..."

Something was amiss here.
Well, at least I guessed correctly.

My thoughts are interrupted by Naomi.

"Hisao, I said we are talking to you~!"

I mentally sigh.

"...Sorry, I'm drowsy... What were you saying..?"

Naomi and Natsume fidget- rather adorably- and then Naomi pipes up quickly, "Well~, I saw that the only people you really talked to were us, and Drill Sergeant... Which, by extension means Deaf Charge," she says, sticking her tongue out at the mention of the pair, then continues, "Have you given any thought to a club or group~?"

...This seems familiar, somehow.
Wait...
I mentally sigh again.
A repeat of Hakamichi and Misha all over again...

Not taking a second longer to reply, hoping to not incite more questions, "Well, Hakamichi and Misha offered t-."

I'm interrupted by Natsume's deep frown and Naomi's words, "Pff! Screw the Dynamic Loudspeakers~! Have you se~een how much work they do there? It's slavery, not club work!" at those words both Naomi and Natsume nod in unison, apparently agreeing with Naom- their- words.

"...Fine... But only because it's better than having a daily headache..." I say.

They both bat their eyes, and act confused at my answer, then Naomi says, "What exactly are you agreeing too~?"

"To help out here, while I get my foot in the door, is that okay by yo-," I am interrupted by a sudden squeal and Naomi comes bolting at me.

Ohmygo-

Naomi impacts me, grabbing me in what seems to be like a hug, knocking me to the floor, leaving me in a confused state for a few seconds, then sudden realization hits.

Thumpthump

Slowly breath, keep calm...
Don't lose concentration...

Thump
Thumpthump

I close my eyes, focusing on the situation at hand, blocking out Naomi and Natsume, which doesn't work too well, as both of them are screaming- presumably over me falling over- louder than... Anything at mind...

My breathing steadied, and my heart rate slowly returning to a semblance of normal, I open my eyes, to see Naomi and Natsume sitting in the corner, holding each other in a fetal position.

I get up, and dust off my back, then look over at the two, them not noticing the fact I got up off my feet.

"Guys...? I'm fine, just... don't do that again," I laugh, trying to ease the mood, when it's near impossible to ease.

Natsume gets up, and brushes off her skirt and shirt, even though I saw no dust, dirt, or dusty dirt... Naomi follows, and then comes over and hugs me, without the tackling.

"Don't you ever scare us like that ever~ again! Now, tell me, what in God's name was that?!?!"

I sigh, this time verbally, then answer, "I came to Yamaku due to a Heart Condition- Arrhythmia- if I get knocked in the chest, over exert myself, or simply mess something up..." I stop, not wanting to say what would happen, then continue, "That wasn't... major... Just a flutter... Nothing to worry about, promise."

Natsume frowns, not a mad frown, but the kind you see when you look at Funeral Goers.
Rather appropriate, yet inappropriate...

No pity allowed...

"You're still worrying me, to the Nurse with you!" Naomi yells, then yet another sudden wave of realization hits me.

I forgot to go to the Nurse yesterday.
In all the commotion, I forgot to go to the Nurse.
Good job, Hisao, nice step towards a new life.

"I do suppose I should go, but-," I start to say, but then get interrupted again.

"No buts! Shoo~!" says Naomi, Natsume looking over her shoulder, nodding at me with a glassy gaze, her differently coloured eyes intensifying the effect of... whatever that is.

At that cue, I turn, and walk away, the pair giggling as I walk away.

I tried for 5k words, but my attention span isn't even close to allowing that yet. I shall hope to increase the length by .5k by each chapter until I hit 7.5k word chapters.

And again, sorry for the wait. Life came, I got a gal, regained my lost art skill- or whatever is left of it- and found very little time for writing. I think Fridays are gonna be my prospective times for writing, but no promises.
I also like the idea of Sunday Morning releases.

Also, another dialogue heavy chapter. Next chapter'll have plenty of those internal monologues, which I shall be paying very special attention to.

Wonderful, another update from a great fic, to keep me awake at this time of morning. Thank you kind sir!

Again I find myself wondering if I have missed a time skip - or even a complete chapter. I checked the entire thread three times, but I don't think I did. The start of this chapter is a completely confused jumble, and I have not the slightest idea what happened since the last chapter, where they are, who's saying what or even who is narrating.
This is not helped by your habit of using a new line for every sentence!

...Naomi and Natsume sitting in the corner, holding each other in a fetal position.

Wrong reaction. They should know what to do in an emergency, going to Yamaku...

"You're still worrying me, to the Nurse with you!"

I wonder what nurse has the night shift...

I shall hope to increase the length by .5k by each chapter until I hit 7.5k word chapters.

Don't. Don't try to make chapters longer just because you want to reach some word count. Make them as long as they need to be to tell your story.

AnathRaema wrote:Wonderful, another update from a great fic, to keep me awake at this time of morning. Thank you kind sir!

Thank you kindly, sir/madam~.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Again I find myself wondering if I have missed a time skip - or even a complete chapter. I checked the entire thread three times, but I don't think I did. The start of this chapter is a completely confused jumble, and I have not the slightest idea what happened since the last chapter, where they are, who's saying what or even who is narrating.
This is not helped by your habit of using a new line for every sentence!

You could've possibly missed the original Chapter 2, as I merged Chapter 1/2 into a larger Chapter 1, seeing as it worked better. I was trying to also get across a feeling of "lolwutidefkwutisgoingonm8" seeing as Hisao just woke up in the middle of a small room, with sort-of-strangers.
And sorry about that habit, I have issues paragraphing sometimes. My English teachers have always gotten on me about that.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

...Naomi and Natsume sitting in the corner, holding each other in a fetal position.

Wrong reaction. They should know what to do in an emergency, going to Yamaku...

"You're still worrying me, to the Nurse with you!"

I wonder what nurse has the night shift...

Meh, well, I can think of a way to fix that, I just wanted a way to show panic, especially since they didn't know what Hisao was "HNNNGH"ing over. And yeah, temp OC, he'll meet the actual Nurse in a different chapter.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

I shall hope to increase the length by .5k by each chapter until I hit 7.5k word chapters.

Don't. Don't try to make chapters longer just because you want to reach some word count. Make them as long as they need to be to tell your story.

Another fair point, just trying to appease the "ts;dr" kinda people xD
One thousand words is waaaaaaaaaaay better- and just as easy to write- than 500 words.

And sorry about that habit, I have issues paragraphing sometimes. My English teachers have always gotten on me about that.

Easy to fix: Get an editor.

I was trying to also get across a feeling of "lolwutidefkwutisgoingonm8"

Well, you could say you achieved that.
I'd rather say you went WAY overboard...
It didn't feel like Hisao woke up after falling asleep watching a movie but like waking up from a coma with half his brain surgically removed.

Meh, well, I can think of a way to fix that, I just wanted a way to show panic,

And the only way you can show panic in a girl is to have her huddle in a corner? That kind of panic is for when an alien is prowling the corridors.
If you want to show them at least a bit competent, you can have one of them checking his pulse, but one of them running towards the door to get the nurse would be the minimum.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

And sorry about that habit, I have issues paragraphing sometimes. My English teachers have always gotten on me about that.

Well, you could say you achieved that.
I'd rather say you went WAY overboard...
It didn't feel like Hisao woke up after falling asleep watching a movie but like waking up from a coma with half his brain surgically removed.

Perhaps beverages of manly origin were involved...


EDIT: On second look, that didnt really sound as I imagined it in my head... not so classy indeed.

This fic is getting better and better it's on my top 5 list

monkeywitha6pack wrote:This fic is getting better and better it's on my top 5 list

ohmygodreally
This just made my day. Thank you VERY VERY much man. You don't get how happy that makes me. I don't have words for that.

Glad i made you happy

Decided to catch up on this before I head off to dreamland, and one thing I have noticed is how jarring Hisao's character is in this fic compared to the VN. Usually it takes about four days (random estimate, I'm tired) for him to even consider mentioning his past or his heart condition, but in this it seems like he isn't very secretive. If you want to make this route successful, I'd try to keep his heart a secret long enough for him to start feeling 'something' towards the girl of focus.

Note that this doesn't mean I don't like the fic, I'm actually intrigued by the OCs you have introduced already; specifically Ayao. I'm simply suggesting you slow it down a bit. When starting Blossom, I had a lot of pacing issues due to absurd amounts of time skips (see the second chapter), so to train myself I started writing without any time skips at all. Taking away one of your favourite elements in writing can be greatly beneficial to your abilities, believe me; I've experienced so much improvement since I first started posting here.

Anyway, without a doubt a great style, sort of how I imagine Helbereth started writing. You have the distinct thoughts, the atmosphere of a real group of friends and have started with fairly large posts. A little tweaking is all it takes Ria, you have a great idea here. Just make sure you have an outline and some character profiles, else you might end up getting disconnected from your own creations

Numb wrote:Decided to catch up on this before I head off to dreamland, and one thing I have noticed is how jarring Hisao's character is in this fic compared to the VN. Usually it takes about four days (random estimate, I'm tired) for him to even consider mentioning his past or his heart condition, but in this it seems like he isn't very secretive. If you want to make this route successful, I'd try to keep his heart a secret long enough for him to start feeling 'something' towards the girl of focus.

Note that this doesn't mean I don't like the fic, I'm actually intrigued by the OCs you have introduced already; specifically Ayao. I'm simply suggesting you slow it down a bit. When starting Blossom, I had a lot of pacing issues due to absurd amounts of time skips (see the second chapter), so to train myself I started writing without any time skips at all. Taking away one of your favourite elements in writing can be greatly beneficial to your abilities, believe me; I've experienced so much improvement since I first started posting here.

Anyway, without a doubt a great style, sort of how I imagine Helbereth started writing. You have the distinct thoughts, the atmosphere of a real group of friends and have started with fairly large posts. A little tweaking is all it takes Ria, you have a great idea here. Just make sure you have an outline and some character profiles, else you might end up getting disconnected from your own creations

ho-my-god (intentional misspell for spoken effect)
For one, you're one of my writer idols, so you posting on my thread just makes me go

And as to Hisao's derpy characterization, I've been trying to work on it a bit. I didn't see the whole giving up the Heart Condition as a major issue until I just looked back over it; in fact, the earliest he gives it up is to Rin's prodding and to Lilly/Rin on Rin's path at the beginning... So, seeing as Naomi/Natsume aren't like "Oh, why are you here at Yamaku, is the problem in your PAAAAAAAAAANTS?" sort of thing, it doesn't work too well.

And thank you for praising the OCs, I took a lot of thought in the small cast of them I have implemented/planned. I'll admit, I based a lot of characters off direct imitations of my friends, often gender swapped to appease my inner "RIA GET SOME ORIGINALITY GAWH", but still warping them to a certain extent, mixing and removing "ingredients" of the character to make the perfect "dish". Shyness being cinnamon, Boldness being cayenne, both being hard to use spices. ( Sorry, I had to put in a spice pun, my brain wouldn't allow otherwise. ._.' )

I'll admit, writing is kind of my life. I have a girlfriend, friends, a life outside of it, but no matter what I do, writing is the core of it. It's been the core of it for 4 years now, and up until now I've been in Victorian Era writing styles, and a few specific sets of characters for nearly a grand total of 1 and a half years, so setting myself up in a new Time Period, and, technically, a different Dialect, and throwing in a grand spanking new set of Characters which I am somewhat unfamiliar with writing as, is taking it's bloody toll.

Possibly going to experiment with some One Shots written from all of "Fits of Many Varieties" unique and canonical characters to try and get myself into a grove I had going with my old characters...

Like, once I get a grove, the differences are immense.
Really. Really. Immense.
Gah, I miss my old characters. I wanna share some of the works I had of them to show the major difference in quality.