Katawa Shoujo Forums

Welp, Thank you Forgetmenot for managing to force me out of my lurking. I've enjoyed the route quite a lot, but that piece of music was quite honestly great. Very soft, solemn, and sophisticated, quite fitting for Kagami as I've seen her. The only concern I had was, for pretty much the only musically inclined character I've seen in KS, it seemed odd not to use her instrument for the music, but instead to do it with what I presume was a piano. Perhaps you'd already thought of this, and specifically decided to distance the song just a little with Kagami. Either way, keep up the excellent work.

this story and the music are awesome, thanks for sharing!

First time poster / long time lurker. Being a musician myself your story really drew me in. Great work so far, always looking forward to the next chapter, which isn't hard since you update a lot more frequently than others.
Also, I really love the theme you made, is there any chance you could give sheet music for it? It sounds really pretty and I was hoping to play it myself, but I lack the ability to play by ear.
Thanks, keep up the good work.

Sheet music... hmm. You'll have to give me a hot minute to throw something together, but I can probably separate the left hand from the right hand with a couple listens. I'll get back to you on that.

Also, I'm glad everyone's liking the story and the music! It's always nice to make something others enjoy.

EDIT: Sheet music has been posted! A link can be found in the table of contents on the first page.

I'm liking all of this so far, though, in relation to the music, I agree with Jackaxe, in that I found myself anticipating a soaring violin line that never came. A minor gripe, mind you; I rather like sombre pieces like that, anyway.

So, for whatever it's worth, I'm following this.

Scene 13 is taking some time to flesh out, but in the meantime, I thought I'd include some of what used to be in that scene as an interlude. It's a shameless ripoff of the track meet in Emi's route. There's not much new content, but I figured it's better to tell the story of Hisao's Sunday morning rather than just leave it to speculation. Sorry in advance.

Interlude: Track Meet

Beep beep beep.

I feel my arm involuntarily snaking through the sheets, my hand reaching for that familiar small plastic box residing on my nightstand.

Beep beep beep.

Dammit, where is it? I could have sworn it was right here... there's the corner of the nightstand. So where is it?

Beep beep beep.

I sigh defeatedly. I guess I'll have to open my eyes after all.

Beep beep beep.

There it is. How did it get all the way over to the other side of the nightstand? Eh, doesn't matter. I swing my hand downward and silence my alarm clock with a satisfying smack of the snooze button. As I remove my hand, I spy the time and softly groan. It's far too early to be up on a Sunday.

I must have forgotten to turn off my alarm last night after I got back from the city with Kagami. She and I parted ways shortly after we arrived back at Yamaku; she said she had some practicing to do. That girl just can't turn it off, can she?

Speaking of turning off, I make sure to flip the switch on the side of my alarm clock. There. Now, back to sleep. No more accidentally waking up for me.

But, after about thirty minutes of lying still with my eyes shut, it's apparent that there's no more falling back to sleep in my future, either. Stupid morning runs adjusting my sleep schedule. Speaking of which, I suppose I can at least make it to the track meet now, even though that doesn't start for another - I glance at my alarm clock again - three hours. It really is too early.

A long shower quickly fills the seemingly large chunk of time in front of me, along with breakfast - which consists of pills and water, and some halfhearted studying for English. Before I know it, it's time for the track meet to start.

I step outside, greeted by the midmorning sunlight and a surprisingly large crowd of people. I assume they're all out to see our track team compete. I wonder if the school we're competing against is also for the disabled. It wouldn't really make sense otherwise, I suppose. I guess it's a comforting thought that there are other schools like Yamaku. To know that there are at least two schools for kids like... well, like me... it's an odd feeling. I guess I don't feel as alone as I did two weeks ago. Although I suppose that's mostly due to the fact that I've been able to make a few friends as well. One in particular who may be more than that.

I'm so wrapped up in thought I nearly bowl over a girl with short, red hair, lazily standing near the bleachers.

"S-sorry," I stammer, before realizing that I've met this girl before. "Tezuka, right?"

"Rin's fine," she says, eyeing me over with a peculiar half-glazed look in her eyes. "You came," she says flatly, as if she was expecting me.

"Um, sorry?" I inquire.

"I didn't think you would. Now I owe Emi money," she says before turning on a heel and walking towards the entrance to the bleachers.

"You bet on whether I'd show up or not. Again. After you lost the first time." I say, a little offended.

"Was that not obvious?" Rin asks. It's phrased more like a question than anything else, but still slightly irksome. "Anyway, now I owe Emi 500 more yen."

She turns the corner after the small staircase and immediately begins ascending the benches to our right, eschewing the stairs only a few paces away. For someone with no arms to balance, Rin climbs the benches gracefully and undeterred. "Up there," she states, and looks at me to follow her. I guess I'm sitting with Rin today. It beats sitting alone, even if my companion is esoteric at the very least.

What I don't expect, however, is for Rin to promptly stop climbing the seats and sit down next to a slightly older woman, who greets her with a familiar-seeming grin.

"I expected you to come back with snacks, not a boy," the woman says with a small grin.

"Huh?" I ask, looking at Rin.

"Oh," Rin says, her eyes widening slightly from her default flat expression. "That explains a lot, actually."

The woman laughs, more loudly than her otherwise demure appearance would suggest. Her laugh reminds me of a certain twin-ponytailed track star. I wonder...

"Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Meiko Ibarazaki, Emi's mother."

Well, that explains it. She definitely seems like an older version of Emi. Taller, too, I suppose.

"I'm assuming if you know Rin then you know my Emi," she continues.

"They run together," Rin offers nonchalantly.

"Really? Are you on the track team?" Mrs. Ibarazaki asks incredulously. I suppose it's with good reason; I'm not dressed to run, and I'm not presently with the track team.

"Er, no. Emi and I just run together in the mornings," I say.

"Fair enough," Mrs. Ibarazaki says.

"S-sorry, I'm Hisao. Hisao Nakai," I sputter, realizing my failure to introduce myself. I briefly glance over at Rin, narrow my eyes slightly, and frown, so to let her know that it's impolite to not introduce two strangers when they first meet.

This seems to fly completely over Rin's head, however, as she simply returns my stare with a curious wide-eyed expression. "What?" she asks.

The exchange is not lost on Mrs. Ibarazaki, however, as she laughs again before addressing me. "I take it you haven't known Rin very long. You shouldn't expect her to remember to introduce her friends, or other things like that. She's probably got much more important things to think about, anyway."

Rin nods lazily. "She's right. I was thinking about the name for the color of dandelions."

"Yellow?" I offer.

Rin shakes her head vigorously, her short hair rustling around her ears. "No, that's not it," she says as she turns her head away from Mrs. Ibarazaki and me to stare at the sky. The woman next to me stifles a laugh.

I don't know how to respond to that. I turn my eyes from a still-giggling Mrs. Ibarazaki to the track, where the runners are walking onto the pitch, stretching their arms behind them and preparing for their first race. Emi's among them, as well as another girl from 3-3. Miura, I think.

The runners take their positions quickly, and before I know it, the starter's pistol has gone off, and the runners begin their race.

Almost immediately, Emi pulls into the lead. She's fast - very fast. She must really hold back when we run together. Through the entire race, which lasts just over a minute, Emi manages to maintain a sizable lead, pulling even farther away at the end of the race in a surging last effort to cross the finish line. She finishes at least three paces in front of all the other runners and bounds off the track, looking both pleased with herself and not tired, as if she didn't just run a race at all.

The announcer, who, unsurprisingly, sounds identical to a certain pink-haired girl in my class, reads off the times over the loudspeaker.

"I think she's even faster than last time," Mrs. Ibarazaki muses.

"That's incredible," I say. I'm still a little shocked at how fast Emi really is. Surprisingly, I see her bounding back out onto the track for the next event. "Wait a minute, didn't Emi just run?"

Mrs. Ibarazaki nods. "Yes, but she runs multiple events for the team. Mostly the sprints. This is the 200-meter dash coming up. She'll also do the 100-meter and the 4 by 400 relay, in addition to the 400 meters, which she just ran."

Once again, the gun sounds, and once again, Emi flies off the block with ferocious intensity. As I'm watching the race, however, I feel drawn to a small tapping sound coming from my left. I glance over. It's Rin, tapping her foot against the bleachers in front of us. She seems dazzled by the race, which is odd considering I didn't peg her to be someone who enjoyed sports.

Once again, the crowd whoops and cheers. I assume the race is over. From Mrs. Ibarazaki's cheering, it's apparent that Emi's won this one, too. As the crowd settles down, I turn to face Rin.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," I say.

"I suppose I am," Rin says. "Should I not be?"

"No, it's fine. I guess I just didn't figure you for someone who'd be into sports, that's all," I answer.

Rin tilts her head for a moment, thinking. "You're right. Sports aren't that great. But I was talking about Emi."

"Emi?" I ask.

"Yep. I like watching Emi run. Emi's the most Emi when she runs," Rin responds.

"That doesn't make any sense," I say. "Emi is Emi all the time."

"Yeah, but when she's running, Emi is the Emiest that she gets. She doesn't get any Emier. You see?"

I don't follow her train of thought, but I'm quickly distracted both by Rin's pointing to the track with her foot and the loud crack of the starter's pistol. As the runners begin their race, I focus on Emi.

She's got a fierce look on her face, like she's an animal chasing her prey. It looks primal. Intense. But as soon as I catch it on her face, the race is over, and her face relaxes back its normal grin.

Hm. I think I sort of understand what Rin meant. As I contemplate, however, a small ringing emanates from Mrs. Ibarazaki's purse. She pulls out a small cell phone and flips it open.

"Ugh," she states. "I will never understand the appeal of text messages." She closes her phone and places it back into her purse before addressing Rin and me. "Sorry, kids, I've got to go meet up with a friend of mine. Tell Emi I'm very proud of her and that I'll call her later tonight, ok?"

Rin nods quietly and goes back to whatever she was thinking about beforehand.

"Sure thing, Mrs. Ibarazaki," I say.

"Oh, please, call me Meiko. I'm not that old," she says, laughing. I'm not so sure I'm particularly comfortable being on a first-name basis with any adult, let alone Emi's mother. "Nice meeting you, Hisao. Bye, Rin," she says, descending the bleachers and merging into the small crowd still milling at the bottom of the bleachers.

Rin and I sit in silence for a while, watching the next few events, none of which involve Emi. However, eventually Misha announces the relay, and I scan the crowd of runners for Emi. I can't find her.

"I thought Emi was running this event," I say to Rin, who snaps out of her daydream.

"Huh? Oh, is it time for the relay?" she asks. I nod slowly. "Emi runs last. It's because she's the fastest."

Rin pauses for a moment before speaking up again. "Did you catch it? Earlier. Emi at her Emiest."

"I think so," I respond. I'm still not quite sure what Rin means, but I think I have a decent understanding of the concept she's trying to get across. Once again, the starter's pistol breaks me out of my train of thought, and I cheer on Emi's teammates with the rest of the crowd.

As Emi takes her position on the track for the final handoff, I see the ferocious look cross her face. But as she grasps the baton and begins running in earnest, it becomes very clear what Rin is talking about. The ferocity and intensity is all in Emi's eyes. They glint with a sharpness that I've seen before. In possibly the most unlikely of locations, I'm reminded of Kagami.

I saw that sharpness in Kagami's eyes as well, when she was playing onstage yesterday. The intensity and passion of doing something you absolutely love- they both wear it on their faces. Kagami is just as fierce when she plays, just as... raw. When she has a violin in her hands, she's... well, to put it in Rin's words, she's at her Kagami-est. When she's like that, she's... she's beautiful. Even more so than normal.

I wonder if I have something like that. Something I'm truly passionate about. I can't really think of anything off the top of my head that I absolutely love- something I can't be me without. Am I ever really at my Hisao-est? The thought is at least a little disconcerting.

I'm snapped out of my introspection, however, by a small gasp from my left. I look over at Rin, who looks deeply concerned. I quickly turn to look back at the track, afraid that Emi might have tripped and fallen, but it appears she won the race, and despite being out of breath, nothing looks like it went wrong. I look back at Rin.

"Did you see it?" she asks.

"Emi at her Emiest? Yeah, I did, actually," I respond.

Rin shakes her head. "Not that. She stumbled. It was just a little, but she stumbled."

I tilt my head quizzically. "Has she said anything about her legs hurting?"

"No, but that doesn't mean they're not," she replies. We sit in silence for a moment before Rin stands. "Let's go down. Gotta pay our respects."

"That's not really the phrase," I say as we descend the bleachers.

"Huh? Don't you respect how fast Emi is?"

"That's not what I meant to say," I respond, but Rin apparently tires of our conversation and walks into the crowd to find Emi.

A short moment later, I find the two of them surrounded by Emi's teammates, who are congratulating her on the run. I wave to Emi to catch her attention.

"Oh hey, Hisao! You came!" she exclaims as she turns to Rin. "I told you he would. Pay up."

Rin shrugs. "I left my money in my other pants."

Emi returns her shrug with a pout. "That's what you said last time, too. You're missing the whole point of a bet if you don't pay the other person when you lose, you know."

Rin shrugs again, with even less enthusiasm, and responds with a flat, "Ok."

Emi huffs for a second, but then turns to me and asks, "So, how'd I look?"

"Intense," I respond. "You did great out there."

"But you just said a minute ago that you don't respect her running," Rin interrupts. Emi half-glares at me as I wave my hands in protest.

"That's not what I said at all!" I turn to Emi. "That was taken completely out of context, with the addition of pretty much everything."

Emi grins and laughs. "I'll take your word for it. Sometimes Rin misrepresents the situation. Getting the real story out of her can be kinda painful."

Rin kicks the ground softly, but doesn't say anything. Either she's embarrassed or musing, and she doesn't seem the type to get embarrassed.

One of Emi's teammates passes by and calls to her, "Hey, Emi, the medal ceremony is starting! Come on!"

Emi turns to Rin and me. "Sorry, guys, I gotta do this medal thing. It takes forever, so I won't be offended if you take off. Hisao, see you tomorrow morning?"

I sigh. "Sure thing, Emi."

"Good," she says, smirking. "See you later tonight, Rin."

"Uh-huh," Rin responds as Emi jogs away. Is she limping slightly? Maybe she really did hurt herself today.

As Rin and I walk back in the direction of the school, she suddenly speaks.

"Snap."

"Snap?" I inquire.

"That's what you do when you realize something, right? You snap," she responds.

"Like, your fingers?"

"Exactly. Except I can't do that, so I have to say it some other way."

I'm astounded at how casual she is about her... lack of arms. Hands, specifically. "What... what exactly did you realize?"

"Ochre," she says cryptically.

"Ochre? Like, the color?" I ask.

"Dandelions. That's the color. Ochre."

"Oh," I reply, astounded that Rin's mind has been on this subject for the past hour. I'm amazed that something has held her attention this long, especially since I can't really see her focusing on anything for more than thirty seconds other than her paintings. I can't think of anything else to say, which is apparently fine by Rin, as we finish our walk in silence.

We part ways at the entrance to the dorms without a word. That girl is really an enigma. I don't really understand how Emi and her came to be friends- they're pretty much polar opposites. Then again, I suppose Emi is extremely gregarious. And Rin's not necessarily the weirdest person in this institution - that honor falls to my bespectacled hallmate.

Speaking of which, what time is it? I was supposed to meet Kenji in the library today at... 3? 3:30? I'm not sure what time the small slip of paper said, and as I check my phone, it appears I'm not in much of a position to go back to my room and retrieve it. It's 3:25. I don't feel too bad about keeping Kenji waiting, if he is waiting, but I should probably head to the library straight away.

__________

Prev|Next

Don't worry about how long it takes, quality over quantity and what not.

Out of curiosity, did you find this part immensely frustrating to write?

Because that was basically my experience in Mean Time to Breakdown when I first tried to tackle "Enter Stage Left." The drudgery of borrowing so liberally from the source text was seriously depressing me and utterly retarding my productivity (to the point that it was deadfic for a year!) If this is the reason your admirable updating streak hit a snag, I can totally see why it would.

As a totally unrelated side note, I predict a shining future, some day, where some brave visionary will have written a Meiko route. On that day, we will all be liberated.

Leaty wrote:Out of curiosity, did you find this part immensely frustrating to write?

I'll be honest, pretty much every line was painful. I kept trying over and over to think of ways to break Hisao out of the storied "track meet" scene, but everything I tried felt wrong. More wrong than simply rewriting the in-game text. It was immensely frustrating being tied to the source material so tightly, even when I was able to steer the dialogue out of the normal track to give Rin an extra joke or whatnot.

Leaty wrote:If this is the reason your admirable updating streak hit a snag, I can totally see why it would.

Part of the reason. I was immensely busy last week and was only able to sit down to write two or three times. My updating schedule should resume a more-quickened pace shortly (although I am trying to slow down a little bit and put more thought into each chapter).

Leaty wrote:As a totally unrelated side note, I predict a shining future, some day, where some brave visionary will have written a Meiko route. On that day, we will all be liberated.

HHHNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGohgodyes

I admit, I've been avoiding this route because of the OC, but it's actually a great read. It's obvious you've spent a lot of time on it, and you have a better grasp of technical English than most other fanfic writers here.
Here are my thoughts on Scene 12 after my first reading (and maybe a few on the latest post). Because you write with such good grammar, I'm going to be extra nitpick-y.

Accompanied by certain side effects of my medicinal regime, one particular effect of the additional exercise is catching up to me: drowsiness. I'm having more trouble staying awake in class now than I ever have, and that's not good. Especially with exams coming up in... a little more than a month? I honestly hadn't expected summer to be approaching so quickly.

I understand Hisao has arrhythmia, but this is not how exercise works. I run a few miles in the morning to wake myself up. Strenuous running can be exhausting, but I would certainly not term the effect "drowsiness." The word "drowsy" is defined as "sleepy and lethargic," like how one might feel after an afternoon nap; running, however, makes one tired due to physical exertion, and it tends to improve drowsiness, not make it worse. Besides, one can usually bounce back from an extensive run after a cool-down period. I don't have arrhythmia, but it doesn't seem like arrhythmia would make a difference here: it's just a question of physical fitness rather than one of cardiac arrest.

They don't seem to be playing right now- the conductor is waving his arms emphatically at the cello section.

I suppose it's only fair- I haven't exactly been forthcoming about the situation surrounding my heart attack.

OK, time to get picky. First, please use an em dash or two hyphens rather than a hyphen when you are indicating a thought or interruption. Second, in the above cases--and in a few others--a dash is not appropriate. In both of the above quotes, you're using a hyphen to separate two independent clauses; you'd be better off using a colon to indicate explanation or a semicolon to indicate separation.

"...all right, once more from letter E, and then we're done. And celli, please remember it's a b-natural at 107, not a b-flat," he says. I think I understood about a quarter of that. The members of the orchestra, however, appear like they've understood every word and raise their instruments to play. [...] I jump a little as I'm assaulted by a wave of brass and timpani. The music is... violent, I suppose. Very violent. But it's performed well. At least, I think it's performed well. It seems more avant-garde than what I listened to in the hospital, though.

Here, it's strange to see someone who doesn't understand accidentals and performance quality using the term "avant-garde" correctly.

She retorts by smacking me in the leg with her violin case.

I cringed. Maybe it's just my strange American ways, but I don't tend to use my instruments as baseball bats. It's OK if she has yet to put away her violin at this point, but I can't see why she would delay that so long.
Please at least use "lightly smacking" or something. I'm still cringing like I did at the second frame of this comic.

"Sorry, I... forgot," I say without really thinking about it. Kagami tilts her head quizzically. I should probably clarify. "I-I mean, you just work around it so well, it's hard to be reminded of sometimes, I guess."

The wording here is odd. The only ways I can think of in which it would be "hard to be reminded of" something are if there's a mental block preventing obvious cues from doing the reminding or if the act of remembrance is painful. Instead, since you're indicating forgetfulness, perhaps you could use "it's hard to remember sometimes."

She rubs it nonchalantly, and turns her head to look at me with those glassy grey eyes. I'm not exactly sure how they can be so reflective, but so piercing at the same time.

Time for more nitpicking. In the first sentence, you have an independent clause followed by a dependent one: "turns her head to look at me" is not a sentence in and of itself. There are two options here: you can drop the comma or make the second sentence independent by adding a subject ("she turns her head").
The second sentence is similar: "so piercing at the same time" cannot stand alone. Remove the comma. Also, "yet" is probably a better word than "but" in that sentence.

She's really passionate about her music, although, I suppose I'd be just as passionate about it if I were as good as her. Or maybe vice-versa. Maybe her passion is the reason for her skill.

By now we're deep into Grammar Nazi territory. Remove the comma after "although," or, if you really want a pause there, replace one or both commas with ellipses.
As for the second and third sentences, that's actually rather acceptable. Just don't overuse it. And try to keep it in thoughts and speech when you write in a form other than first-person narrative.

inanely

That is Hisao. One inane SOB
This word perfectly describes his performance throughout Act 1 in the canonical story.

... she said she had some practicing to do. That girl just can't turn it off, can she?

I found it rather depressing that Hisao is so bereft of passion that he has to make this remark. (This isn't a criticism; your characterization is well done.)

They glint with a sharpness that I've seen before, and, in possibly the most unlikely of locations, my thoughts are immediately snapped back to Kagami.

This is ambiguous. Is the location of the sharpness unlikely, or is the snapping back of his thoughts unlikely?
If the former: use "They glint with a sharpness that I've seen before, in possibly the most unlikely of locations. My thoughts are immediately snapped back to Kagami."
If the latter, use "They glint with a sharpness that I've seen before. In possibly the most unlikely of locations, my thoughts are immediately snapped back to Kagami."
(Of course, these are bare-minimum adjustments to the quote. You may want to completely reword it, especially if you meant the latter.)

I admit, I've been avoiding this route because of the OC, but it's actually a great read.

I'm glad this seems to be the general consensus. Good to know I'm not offending the sensibilities of the other fine people of this fandom.

OK, time to get picky. First, please use an em dash or two hyphens rather than a hyphen when you are indicating a thought or interruption. Second, in the above cases--and in a few others--a dash is not appropriate. In both of the above quotes, you're using a hyphen to separate two independent clauses; you'd be better off using a colon to indicate explanation or a semicolon to indicate separation.

Gaah, it's my high school English teacher all over again. But it's a fair point, and I need to hear it as much as it may be loathed.

Here, it's strange to see someone who doesn't understand accidentals and performance quality using the term "avant-garde" correctly.

Sorry, that's the musician in me peeking through. For me, it's especially tough to characterize Hisao as ignorant to most everything music. Guess I missed something.

Always appreciate the feedback. Anything that makes me a better writer is much appreciated.

Also, thanks for reminding me that XKCD exists. /cringes

forgetmenot wrote:Gaah, it's my high school English teacher all over again. But it's a fair point, and I need to hear it as much as it may be loathed.

Consider it a compliment. I normally don't get that in-depth with fanfics here because there are more egregious errors to be dealt with or there are simply too many of them.

Here, it's strange to see someone who doesn't understand accidentals and performance quality using the term "avant-garde" correctly.

Sorry, that's the musician in me peeking through. It's especially tough to characterize Hisao as ignorant to most everything music for me. Guess I missed something.

Find someone who doesn't know much about music and start explaining a performance to them. My writer/artist friend does this with me and paintings all the time. What do you mean, "the gamboge light subdues an otherwise cheerful composition?"

Also, thanks for reminding me that XKCD exists. /cringes

At least I didn't link you to TvTropes

neio wrote:Consider it a compliment. I normally don't get that in-depth with fanfics here because there are more egregious errors to be dealt with or there are simply too many of them.

When I get around to posting my next story, I hope you treat me the same way.

griffon8 wrote:

neio wrote:Consider it a compliment. I normally don't get that in-depth with fanfics here because there are more egregious errors to be dealt with or there are simply too many of them.

When I get around to posting my next story, I hope you treat me the same way.

Sure
Shoot me a PM when you do.

neio wrote:Consider it a compliment. I normally don't get that in-depth with fanfics here because there are more egregious errors to be dealt with or there are simply too many of them.

...And five dozen fanfic authors looked over their shoulder, shuffled their feet, then laughed nervously.

neio wrote:Here, it's strange to see someone who doesn't understand accidentals and performance quality using the term "avant-garde" correctly.

I don't know about anybody else, but I learned the phrase "avant-garde" when I was eight years old from collections of Calvin and Hobbes. There's not a musical bone in my body.