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Being nice, being mean (concluded)
Earlier today Miyako has given him a look of utter displeasure. And, now, here she is again. But not her displeasure. She's calling out to him, smiling and waving and looking like an old friend happy to see him. Hisao has a slight moment of disorientation: he feels he should be surprised at that change in the mood, and finds he isn't. Miya's action do not need to make sense; she is a whimsical girl. Maybe she doesn't exist outside of her roles. Hisao is not in the mood to deal with her. Just as he is about to turn and walk away, he notices that she is... talking to someone else? To Miya's right there is a little girl of about four, five years. He hasn't noticed her because between Miya and the girl there is a substantial gap. Hisao could sit down between them, lean against the tree and fall asleep, and there would be still be enough elbow room on either side to not make anyone uncomfortable. The size of the gap suggests that the two of them, Miya and the girl, are not here together. Yet, Miya is clearly talking to the girl. The girl nods and smiles in response. The gap doesn't seem to be an obstacle.
Is there someone
else? Someone this gap indicates? The girls mother, or big sister, off to fetch ice cream, or juice?
Hisao sighs, then approaches. “Hi, Miya,” he says. “I didn't think I'd run into you here.” He has tried to keep his voice neutral, but a hint of resignation slips in. Didn't think, didn't want, here we are. Life is like that.
Miya must have picked up on it, but it doesn't show. She grins widely. Her act is impeccable. “I didn't expect to see you here either. I came here for the peace and quiet.”
“I was just walking around,” Hisao says. “So that's where you end up when you walk away from the noise at festival day?” Karma, not just bad luck, Hisao thinks. There must be some statistical algorithm to help them avoid each other.
Miya winks at him. “Follow the silence, right? Well, more importantly -” She turns her head towards the girl, and smiles. “This is Atsuko.”
Atsuko? Hisao turns towards the girl and looks at her. The girl shrinks away from him, and Hisao realises that his confusion about the name must have shown on his face. For a second, Hisao is unsure what to do. The girl looks towards Miyako for reassurance, and Miyako smiles. The smile looks so genuine. Maybe it is. What does he know about her? Hisao contemplates smiling, but decides against it. He's not in the mood, and his attempts come out wrong. Hisao is no actor. “Hello, Atsuko,” he says. “I'm Hisao. Pleased to meet you.”
“Pleased to meet you,” she says. She is being polite. The only reason she is talking to him at all is that Miya is here to reassure her. The irony is not lost on him. In Yamaku, Miya's has the reputation of a monster while he himself is generally easy to talk to. Here the two of them are with a little girl, and Miya is protecting her from the scary stranger. Rumours and reputation.
“Atsuko,” Miya says, “has lost her mother. She's all alone. Sad isn't it?”
“Oh.” Hisao says. It is the sound of the realisation of how self-absorbed he is. Miyako is trying to help a lost child, as anybody would. This is most likely the situation. But faith in the reality of this situation doesn't come easy. That name, “Atsuko”...
“I'm sorry to hear this, Atsuko,” Hisao says.
Atsuko replies with a single nod. She still isn't sure what to make of him.
“Your name really is Atsuko, isn't it?” He really shouldn't have to ask this, but he needs to ground himself in the situation. With Miya, this is impossible.
“Yes,” Atsuko says.
“And you miss your mother a lot?”
“Yes.”
Coincidence and prejudice, huh? An unplanned smile appears on Hisao's face. It is mellow and gentle, bitter-sweet. He quickly glances at Miya. Miya is watching him with eyes half closed. He cannot make out her expression, but he gets a strangley re-assuring feeling from it. He feels humbled, not humiliated, and with Miya this feels like a small miracle. “Then,” he says to Atsuko, “I'll go look for your mother, and I won't give up until I find her.”
Atsuko looks at him, eyes big with surprise. “Really?”
“I promise.”
Miya beams at Atsuko. “See? I told you, he's nice. He'll help us, and we didn't even have to ask.”
“Yeah,” she says, and then turns to Hisao. “Thank you.”
“So, what does your mother look like, Atsuko?” Hisao asks.
But it is Miya, who replies. “I already asked. She's tall and pretty.”
Miya can't possibly think of that as a helpful description! But before Hisao can speak, Miya continues:
“And she's probably really upset for losing her little daughter.”
Ah. Of course. A woman looking for her child should not be that hard to spot. He nods. “Understood. I'm sure I'll find her.” He has half-turned away, when he hears Miya call his name. She is waving a cell phone at him. Hisao's hand goes into his own pocket. He feels the shape of his phone in his palm, but he hesitates. Miya, of course, catches his hesitation.
“I don't have your number,” she says. “That's fine with me. But if Atsuko's mum comes here first, I thought I'd give you a ring. You know, so you don't walk around forever.”
“Good thinking,” he says. “Thanks.” But as they exchange numbers, he is feeling strange. The first new number on his cell phone at Yamaku. A summary of the numbers stored on his cell: Family. A long list of past friends he couldn't bring himself to delete despite it all. Miyako. He nods, a tad too quickly, then hurries away. Behind him, Miyako and Atsuko are talking, but he doesn't listen. He catches a snippet, Atsuko's voice: “...scary. He looked really angry. But he wasn't...” And then he is out of ear shot.
As Hisao leaves the park, he finds that he doesn't really know the town. He chooses the direction which leads away from Yamaku, but he has no real plan, no strategy. He turns a corner at random. Hisao hates not having a plan, but he continues walking, taking turns at random. Eventually, it is Atsuko's mother who finds him.
“Excuse me,” says a worried-looking woman. “Did you perhaps come from the park?”
“The park? Yes, that's where I came from.”
“Is there... I mean, a kind man has told me that there's a girl around there who... she's lost, and I'm her mother, and... Is she still... there?”
“You are Atsuko's mother?” Hisao asks.
“Yes,” she says, and Hisao can hear the relief in her voice. “Yes, I am. You know her name? Is she all right?”
Hisao nods. “A friend is taking care of her. If Atsuko runs off, she's going to follow her, and I'm sure she'll call me.” Hisao displays his cell phone. “But I don't think that'll happen. When I left them, they were sitting under a tree.”
“Really? Oh, thank you, thank you.” She is bowing repeatedly. “Sorry for causing you so much trouble. Thank you so much.”
“It's no trouble at all. Neither of us has anything better to do.” This has come out on a whim. So there is an “us” now? Well, what will be will be. “Shall we go?” he says to Atsuko's mother, to keep his mind from brooding thoughts.
“If you don't mind,” Atsuko's mother says, so off they go. There is an awkward silence between them, but Hisao can think of nothing to say. This is a problem Miya would, in all likelihood, not have. Maybe she should have gone looking for the mother? But then he'd have been left alone with Atsuko. He certainly wouldn't have done better with the daughter.
Finally, Atsuko's mother breaks the silence: “Are you going to school, here?”
“Yes,” he says. “I've just transferred in, so I don't know my way around here, yet.”
“I see,” she says. “We're not from here, ourselves. Atsuko and I are visiting her grandparents. We'll be going to the festival later. You're not going?”
“Maybe later,” Hisao lies.
“It's always so lively,” she says. “Everyone does their best.”
Everyone does their best. Hisao feels the sting of those words. Would she have said that if it wasn't the students of Yamaku who organised the festival? He is now part of a group of people who “do their best”. “They've all been very busy this last week,” he replies.
They, he says, not
we. “I've only transferred in, as I said, so I've had nothing to do really. Help a little here, a little there. Not much.”
“Oh. Maybe next year, then.”
“Maybe.” He would have to do exceedingly badly at the exams for there to be a 'next year'. This conversation is uncomfortable. He is reminded of all the things he doesn't want to think about. He doesn't even have a full year at Yamaku. It feels like a piece of his development has been cut out and filled in with a random episode, only to have his future dropped on top of him, unawares. He doesn't want to think of his future.
The awkward silence is back, with a vengeance. This time, it continues until they reach the park. Finally, they turn the corner and enter through the iron gate. Atsuko spots them right away. She jumps up and runs, runs, runs. Her mother kneels down and opens her arms, and there they are, together again.
It's a touching scene, and Hisao does smile, but he's not quite in the moment. He looks back at Miya. Miya is standing, now, and watching them. The look on her face is strange. Hisao walks over to her, and she looks at him with that strange expression unchanging.
“They'll want to say their thanks,” Hisao says.
Miya closes her eyes and tilts her backwards, against the tree. “I'm afraid so.”
Already mother and child are approaching. Miya opens her eyes in time.
The mother bows. “Thank you for taking care of Atsuko. You don't know how grateful I am.”
“Well, I can sort of tell...” Miya replies. There's an edge to her voice, but she catches herself. “Atsuko's a good girl. I'm glad I could help.” She probably means it, too.
“I hope she didn't bother you.”
A wicked grin appears on Miya's face. “Well, she told me that my hair looks strange.”
“Atsuko!”
The little girl looks at her mother. “But it's true!”
“Yes, it is,” agrees Miya.
“Even if it's true, you don't have to say something like that. Oh! I'm sorry. I...”
But Miya just laughs. “It's okay. You don't have to scold her on my account. I used to wear my hair long, and one day they just annoyed me, so I just cut them off. Myself. I'm not good at it. I'll go to the hairdresser's sometimes soon. I'm sure Atsuko won't cut her own hair after seeing the result, so there's a valuable lesson in that.”
Atsuko solemnly shakes her head. “I don't want to look weird.”
“Atsuko!!!”
But Atsuko's mind is on something else entirely. “Ah, mummy, is Miya still a stranger?”
The mother looks at her for a while. “No, it's okay. From now on you can talk to her.”
“Can I hug her?”
“What?” Silent and under her breath, barely audible. Hisao would have missed it, had he not watched Miya closely. She is still keeping that friendly look, but something in her eyes is off. She is wavering, struggling. As the little girl rushes to hug Miya's legs – she's too small to hug anything else – Hisao notices Miya's body stiffening. Eventually, Atsuko's mother notices the discomfort. A look of concern creeps into her face. She looks towards Hisao, but Hisao doesn't know what to say or do. He shakes his head slightly.
“Atsuko,” she calls. “We have to go.”
“Okay.” She disengages from Miya, and runs to her mother. “Bye,” she calls. The mother bows once again. “Thank you again. I won't forget your kindness.” Then she bows to Hisao, too. “It's good to know people still take care of each other.” Then they walk away. Atsuko turns and waves at least two times before they leave the park. Miyako stands statue like for some time after that. Then:
“They're gone.” Her voice is flat, exhausted.
“Yes, they are.”
And then Miyako just collapses. Her knees give in and she just falls forward. For a while it looks as if she means to crawl on all fours, but then she sits back, on her legs, knees forward. “You have no idea how hard it was to constrain myself. You don't grab me like that. Ever.”
Hisao drops down beside her, then leans against the tree. He is slightly behind Miya now. He is not in her field of vision, but she doesn't seem to mind. “It was a hug,” he says. “Hugs are supposed to feel good, you know. You're supposed to enjoy them.”
“It's... hard to remember.” She drops sideways, stretches her legs, and then lies on her back on the grass. “Thank you,” she says. “I thought you might just walk away. But I'm glad you helped.”
“I didn't do much,” Hisao says. “She was already on her way to the park. Someone seems to have told her about Atsuko.”
“Well, people
are generally nice. Especially, to children.” She sighs.
“You were pretty nice today, too,” Hisao says. “I had no idea you could be like that, too. You restrained yourself didn't you?”
But Miya doesn't reply. Instead she says: “I wish you hadn't seen me like this.”
“Why? You have good side, too. What's so bad about people knowing that?”
“Good side, huh?” She blinks. “Well,” she says, as she pulls herself up against the tree. They are sitting side by side now. “I'm not in the mood to hide things, so I think I'm going to show you something.”
“Show me... something? Hey, what are you doing?”
Miya is starting to lift her T-Shirt. She chuckles. “You're such an easy target. Don't worry, I won't go too far.”
She says that, but the underside of her breasts are already visible. Hisao's impulse is to look away, but something else catches his attention: a scar, much like his own. “You have a heart condition, too?” he blurts out.
“Nothing's wrong with my heart,” Miya says. “Or so the doctors all agree.”
“But the scar...”
“I'm going to die one day. My heart's rate will accelerate too much.”
“But you said that nothing is wrong with your heart.”
“There isn't. There's something else wrong with me, and nobody knows quite what it is. My own take on it, what various doctors have said, is that I'll die from overexcitement.”
Hisao shakes his head. “But the scar...”
“You've got a heart condition, don't you? Do you have a pacemaker? Drugs? A combination of both?”
“Drugs,” Hisao says.
“Well, none of that seems to work with my condition. Some drugs might sometimes work; I sort of tuned out when the doctor's were giving me the med speak, and anyway, they didn't always agree with each other.”
“I... don't understand.”
“Nobody does. Not really.” She chuckles. “A couple of years ago, or so, I started suffering from sleep paralysis. You wake up in the middle of the night, and you can't move. There's this pressure on your chest, and you think someone's gloating at your condition. But you're alone. With yourself. Well, then you're probably gloating at yourself. But the feeling is awful. All you can move is fingers, toes. You may be able to blink. And then it goes away, and you're awake.” She takes a deep breath. “I tried to keep it a secret from my mum, but she found out. I ended up in a sleep lab, where they monitored my condition. Turns out my heart accelerates quite a bit, when I'm in these situations. If this goes on for too long, I die. The only thing that reliably helps is an internal defibrillator.”
“The scar,” Hisao interrupts. “So you have defibrillator in there?”
She gives him a bitter laugh. “Oh, they gave me one, all right. But that stupid thing kept firing for no reason at all. While I was awake. Three problems: This is uncomfortable. It drains the battery, so the thing is useless when I
do need it. And finally it could
cause the condition it's supposed to prevent. Something in me just triggers that damn thing for fun. So they took it out again. There's nothing anyone can do. I suffer from sleep paralysis, and I'm threatened by Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome. Gotta love the name. I'm basically worrying about something I'm not supposed to expect.”
“So when we first met...”
Miya smiles a wicked smile. “If all you ever do is worry about dying, why don't you just get it over with? Well, why?”
“I just... don't want to die. Is that so hard to understand?”
Miya ignores the question. “I don't particularly care if I live or die. If anything, I've been living too long. It's not that I want to die, mind you. It's just that... Well, I know I won't kill myself, so it's pointless to think about what I actually want. I can't do this to my mum. That's all there is to it.”
“A mother and her daughter, huh?”
She grins. “You've found my weak point. I'll have to be more careful in the future.”
“Who's Atsuko?”
Miya sighs. “I wondered when you'd ask. 'Atsuko' is me. 'Miyako' is the name my mum gave me. But 'Atsuko' is a name I chose for myself. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I needed a new name, or like I was unsatisfied with the name my mum gave me. I could explain, but... there are things I don't want to think of right now. Okay?”
“Okay.” If he got an explanation, would he even understand it? Hisao thinks of his own situation. Uprooted, he comes to Yamaku. Immediately, he meets friendly people. Shizune and Misha. Lilly and Hanako. Emi and Rin. But he holds back. He goes with the flow, but when it comes to making an effort he pulls back. And here? There is a connection between him and Miya, some sort of pull. As if it is fate. But Hisao doesn't believe in fate. They're connection is based on something else, an intangible situation. Why is Miya being mean to others? Why doesn't he get closer to those who are kind to him? It's that boundary – death. It's why all those contacts on his cell phone are defunct. It's why he hesitates to make new friends. He will, eventually, burden them with loss. Miya? For all their differences, she faces a similar situation. If they get together, it would feel like a game of “Who dies first?” Hisao cannot gauge her situation, though. Does she have the advantage? Does he? The thought feels grim. As if it's a suicide pact.
“Miyako?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you mean to people to drive them away?”
“Huh. The questions you ask. Yes and no. Not sure. You think I got mean as a result of my condition, but that's not true. It's just too much of a bother to change, if I might not even live to see success.”
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. It's just...”
“Your own situation, huh? Well, I'm not in the mood to pry, either.”
“It's okay. I don't know... what to do. But I have to do
something with the rest of my life.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“I'll die soon enough. Every plan I could be making takes time to execute. Time I don't have. And in any case I'm not much of a planner.”
“But you're not dead yet. What will we do until then? Be mean to people and stay alone?” After graduation, rely on your mother for subsidy? But Hisao doesn't dare say that. Miyako's eyes narrow, as if she senses the question. Hisao braces himself, but Miya doesn't get angry.
“I'll be dead soon enough,” she says. “Meanwhile I wait.”
“Wait for death? What kind of life is that?”
Miya surprises him by laughing. “You misunderstand. I'm not waiting for death.”
“No? It sounded like you did.”
“I'm not waiting for anything in particular. I'm just waiting. It's okay if you don't understand, but please, please...” She stops.
“Yes?”
“Shut up. I don't want to talk any more, so please shut up.”
He looks for signs of anger but finds none. Miyako is looking at him, her head slightly tilted to the side. All her attention is on him, and there is a hint of smile on her face, but the smile itself is not quite there.
You understand, right? This is what her expression seems to communicate. Well, it's the best interpretation he can come up with. He doesn't really understand, but that's fine for now. He has a lot to think about, and being silent while doing that is probably a good idea. Hisao nods, then closes his eyes and leans against the tree. Beside him he hears some shuffling and scraping: Miya arranging herself for comfort. It's time for a round or two of silence.
***
[I notice a lot of my recent scenes end with people leaning back against something, relaxing. It's becoming a serial joke. I'll leave it at that right now, but that's really something I should take care of. I wonder if part of it is my reaction to the setting as presented in the VN? I don't usually do this.]
]