Katawa Shoujo Forums

I masturbate and I cry.

Er I mean I used to avoid cracks in sidewalks. Had to do it. Maybe it was an OCD thing. I still fall into strange rituals every once in a while before I realize it and stop. An alternative version was where I could only step in each sidewalk section once so I would be taking these huge steps sometimes.

I also had to touch everything that I thought was metal as I passed by because I hated being shocked by static electricity. I guess I thought it would help disperse the charge lol.

Hanako wrote:"I only step on the darker ones..." (Hanako's floor game)

Damn Y U SO RACIST, HANAKO???

Daitengu wrote:yeah, I've done it when I was a kid to beyond highschool, and still notice I think about doing it from time to time at 30 yrs old lol. Be it no stepping on cracks, darks only, or knight move only, I remember. And yeah, I was a very lonely kid.

I did the knight move only steps sometimes when I was by myself. Much like Hanako, I didn't have any friends. For me this was due to moving around so much, a hard childhood, and my prominent nose being the center of attention.

I also would try and ensure only two steps per block on the sidewalk. It wasn't so much for fun but a kind of compulsive need. I always have to double check stuff in my purse and constantly fix my bangs. Luckily, these quirks haven't become full blown OCD. I do these things the more depressed or lonely I am as I feel very self conscious and have a need to distract myself.

There were other games I'd play by myself. I loved going on the swings too and still do to this day. I would usually close my eyes and daydream I was someone and somewhere else. Needless to say, that got me teased a lot in elementary because kids assumed that I was scared. I just wanted to block out the world around me. Like Hanako, I retreated to the sanctity of the library. I had a spot right in the non fiction section by the books no one wanted to look at. Being a girl who adored archeology and history didn't win me any friends with my peers. My diary was filled with stories of my plush animals (collectively called the Plushie Brigade) and I having adventures together as they were my only friends. Leaving it in my open backpack in the second grade was a horrible mistake. Sorry for the tangent but I know what it is like to create your own games when no one wanted to play with you.

Why is playing this kind of games linked to being alone? I'm not quite sure if I did those kind of things, but I most likely have, kids (people in general?) like to play games. It's nice to think of a game of your own and then play it a bit, as a distraction of some sort. I remember a sort of game that you synchronize your walking by skipping a step when you're walking together with someone and then sometimes deliberately skip again, see how the other responds. Kind of feels like the same kind of game, but then together with someone else.

Bottom-line, sounds more like a distraction to me than a sign that you're alone.

AnonymousOfNorway wrote:If you did it when you were actually alone, then it's not pitiable at all. If you did it while others were nearby, to keep away from them because you never played with others, well then it's perhaps pitiable.

The sad part is that I, and Hanako, did because no one was around to play with. I don't think children are really capable of grasping the concept of loneliness very well, and so I surmised we all found something like this as a form of unwitting expression. The problem is, if you're stilling doing it by the time you're 21, you start to realize why.

AnonymousOfNorway wrote:Or maybe you were just philosophizing about stuff, got along well with others, and just enjoyed playing tiles from time to time.

The philosophizing, yes. Everything else, no. This is going to sound familiar, but I don't like people very much.

AnonymousOfNorway wrote:Any writer risks having the reader read more into things than was intended. Sometimes this reveals something the writer didn't intend. But other times a cigar is just a cigar.

The beauty of litterature is that everyone interprets things differently. Part of the joy of being an author is hearing these interpretations as reactions to having read their work.

Tezzeret wrote:I remember bouncing around on the furniture in my living room not trying to touch the ground at all.

Haha, I did that! I literally jumped from one couch on one side of the living room to the other side's couch. I was a fucking frog. >:3

micechasekittens wrote:There were other games I'd play by myself. I loved going on the swings too and still do to this day. I would usually close my eyes and daydream I was someone and somewhere else. Needless to say, that got me teased a lot in elementary because kids assumed that I was scared. I just wanted to block out the world around me.

Huh. There's a park with swings near the river close to where I live, so whenever swings are mentioned, I think of the river. I enjoy escapism with closed eyes on the swings, as well. The... swinging... helps with that feeling. Hehe. But I enjoy watching the river more. I'll usually just lean against a tree, listening to the birds sing, and gaze at the water like it wants me to or something. Puts me to sleep. Or makes me think, calmly. It's like pseudo-meditation. The sad part is, I probably wouldn't enjoy something like this if I wasn't lonely...

Swoopie wrote:Why is playing this kind of games linked to being alone? I'm not quite sure if I did those kind of things, but I most likely have, kids (people in general?) like to play games. It's nice to think of a game of your own and then play it a bit, as a distraction of some sort.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I personally didn't play the game because I enjoyed it. I did it because I was always alone, and there was no one to do anything else with. It certainly is not nice.

Swoopie wrote:Bottom-line, sounds more like a distraction to me than a sign that you're alone.

micechasekittens wrote:I do these things the more depressed or lonely I am as I feel very self conscious and have a need to distract myself.

I'd quote your original post, because that's basicly what I did aswell, and what I felt for that matter... Sad part is, I still find myself doing it sometimes, then again, I'm still not a people person, and I'm lonely a lot ( not sure if I like it better that way, or just got used to it by now though... )

I suppose there can be different reasons for doing these kind of games. Some people do it out of loneliness, some people do it out of playfulness.

I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

Swoopie wrote:I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

It sucks. Trust me on this.

Raburesu wrote:Is that a subconscious desire for retribution I see? Y'know, the "darker ones" symbolizing the miscreants who hurt her with words all across her life? Stepping on them? We all know by the end of her route that she's somewhat of a closeted misanthropist. Which is probably my favourite part about her, curiously.

Moe example:

*step*

Hanako: T-take that...!

Pure golden, and makes me laugh xD I can just imagine Hanako doing that.

dunkelfalke wrote:

Swoopie wrote:I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

It sucks. Trust me on this.

Sure, I totally trust you on this opinion, that was not what I meant.

If you want a more detailed description, here you are
Part of it is a knowledge that you are on your own and noone gives a damn about you. The feeling is almost physical, like an armoured fist clenched on your guts and never really lets you go. You can try to trick it out - with games, like Hanako does, with escapism, like reading books, with good food maybe, but it helps just for a short time and too soon you need another shot of not being yourself. Because when you are yourself you feel that armoured fist. You want to interact with people, but being afraid of rejection you only dig deeper inside yourself. You get feral, forgetting how to talk to people, thus perpetuating the vicious circle until there is no return. You get jealous of dogs, they howl to the moon and it seems to help. Alas it does not work for you, the wrist around your gut is tighter everyday and there is no hope to escape, just madness that awaits you when it completely closes. You know it for sure.

Raburesu wrote:

Swoopie wrote:I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

You’ve never been lonely before? No. That’s probably a premature thought. You just haven’t been lonely for long enough that it would become an issue that bothers you. That’s a lovely thing.

In any case, I can explain it.

Loneliness is a state of mind, in which you are all that exists, yet you are completely unimportant. People, after all, can only feel needed thanks to the company and words of others. “The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs.” Thus, since you are entirely isolated, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically, insurmountable sadness arises, and is what you feel in your heart from time to time, or possibly at all times, if you're depressed; it may heal eventually, but vestiges remain, and trigger tears anew sooner or later. The vicious cycle repeats ad nauseam, even if you learn to live like that, which is probably the worst case scenario.

What keeps a person lonely is the despondence that is born from one’s inability to express themselves to others via communication. That is to say, that they don't want to talk to anyone at all, even though they do. If that makes any sense.

In some cases, especially when talking about children, the person who is lonely doesn’t understand at all why others won’t talk to them, which causes them pain. In other cases, the reasons are very clear, hurting them regardless. In all cases, I think what they really want is simply for an amiable, warm-spirited person to notice them; they, or I should say, we, want that person to befriend us, and ignore any waspish carping we might send their way the first time we meet. We want them to be able to look into our eyes, and tell us what we’re thinking, or know what kind of person we are. Because that is where we live now. Inside. Even being together in silence would suffice.

But alas, some of us do not have our Lilly or Hisao. Some of us have no one at all.

That hit closer to home then I probably feel comfortable with... It becomes also a lot worse when you've had a person like that, and lost them. I've been lonely ever since, and part of me prefers it now over that, because I feel that getting used to the lonelyness is a better option then getting hurt again. ( short summenary: It was a long relationship, 6 years, nasty break up, telling she loved someone else from one day to the other and left me behind, never saying a word to me again )

And yes, I've had troubles communicating with others ( don't wanna go into it why ), and there isn't much I can do about it, after the break up, the little amount of friends I had, all went away aswell, because I became depressed, and pushed everyone away, not leaving me with anyone anymore. It's probably around 3 years now that i've pretty much been lonely, and there probably will be more years to come. All in all, being lonely is maybe not something you really choise for, but it does make you feel like the outside world can't really get to you anymore, and that's when you realise you're running away. I'm at a point though, that I'm oké with running for now, even though it's pretty miserable.

dunkelfalke wrote:If you want a more detailed description, here you are

Wanting is perhaps not a good word for it, I don't want to pry in anyone's psyche, but wondering, that's a better word for it. And, before I try to reply to your replies (thanks guys for the effort), I'll be just trying to respond, might be that I say something foolish. I'm not trying to be anyone's 'white knight' here, just trying to understand, a bit. And, if I get too personal, just don't answer.

Part of it is a knowledge that you are on your own and noone gives a damn about you. The feeling is almost physical, like an armoured fist clenched on your guts and never really lets you go. You can try to trick it out - with games, like Hanako does, with escapism, like reading books, with good food maybe, but it helps just for a short time and too soon you need another shot of not being yourself. Because when you are yourself you feel that armoured fist. You want to interact with people, but being afraid of rejection you only dig deeper inside yourself. You get feral, forgetting how to talk to people, thus perpetuating the vicious circle until there is no return. You get jealous of dogs, they howl to the moon and it seems to help. Alas it does not work for you, the wrist around your gut is tighter everyday and there is no hope to escape, just madness that awaits you when it completely closes. You know it for sure.

Why is it a knowledge? How do you know noone gives a damn? Is that a feeling? A consequence of too many people letting you down? I can relate to the escapism, kind of, although I'm far from 'unstable' as far as I know, I do tend to dive into 'other worlds' to escape the everyday dilemmas a bit, KS is/was one of them, me creating my own world through a bit of software developing is another one. But it comes nowhere near the intensity you are describing.

You say that being afraid of rejection is the biggest reason NOT trying to interact with people. How come? What are you afraid of other people might reject about you?

Raburesu wrote:

Swoopie wrote:I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

You’ve never been lonely before? No. That’s probably a premature thought. You just haven’t been lonely for long enough that it would become an issue that bothers you. That’s a lovely thing.

Sometimes I might have had a 'hint' of loneliness, but no you're right, I can't remember if that feeling was as intense as you guys are describing here and I'm grateful for that.

In any case, I can explain it.

Loneliness is a state of mind, in which you are all that exists, yet you are completely unimportant. People, after all, can only feel needed thanks to the company and words of others. “The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs.” Thus, since you are entirely isolated, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically, insurmountable sadness arises, and is what you feel in your heart from time to time, or possibly at all times, if you're depressed; it may heal eventually, but vestiges remain, and trigger tears anew sooner or later. The vicious cycle repeats ad nauseam, even if you learn to live like that, which is probably the worst case scenario.

What keeps a person lonely is the despondence that is born from one’s inability to express themselves to others via communication. That is to say, that they don't want to talk to anyone at all, even though they do. If that makes any sense.

That makes a bit sense, but do you mean an inability to find the right words? Or the belief that no matter what you say noone will understand?

In some cases, especially when talking about children, the person who is lonely doesn’t understand at all why others won’t talk to them, which causes them pain. In other cases, the reasons are very clear, hurting them regardless. In all cases, I think what they really want is simply for an amiable, warm-spirited person to notice them; they, or I should say, we, want that person to befriend us, and ignore any waspish carping we might send their way the first time we meet. We want them to be able to look into our eyes, and tell us what we’re thinking, or know what kind of person we are. Because that is where we live now. Inside. Even being together in silence would suffice.

It might very well be that I'm naive, but aren't warm, amiable persons out there that could notice the lonely person? If you just try to 'get out there', find a few spots with people where you feel comfortable, see what happens? Or is the world such a bad place that there's no room for random warmth anymore?

But alas, some of us do not have our Lilly or Hisao. Some of us have no one at all.

That's a very, very sad closing of your post.

danyo wrote:

Raburesu wrote:

Swoopie wrote:I've always wondered how it's like to be lonely. Not in the sense that I would want to, definitely not, but to help me understand people that are lonely and what causes them to remain lonely.

You’ve never been lonely before? No. That’s probably a premature thought. You just haven’t been lonely for long enough that it would become an issue that bothers you. That’s a lovely thing.

In any case, I can explain it.

Loneliness is a state of mind, in which you are all that exists, yet you are completely unimportant. People, after all, can only feel needed thanks to the company and words of others. “The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs.” Thus, since you are entirely isolated, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically, insurmountable sadness arises, and is what you feel in your heart from time to time, or possibly at all times, if you're depressed; it may heal eventually, but vestiges remain, and trigger tears anew sooner or later. The vicious cycle repeats ad nauseam, even if you learn to live like that, which is probably the worst case scenario.

What keeps a person lonely is the despondence that is born from one’s inability to express themselves to others via communication. That is to say, that they don't want to talk to anyone at all, even though they do. If that makes any sense.

In some cases, especially when talking about children, the person who is lonely doesn’t understand at all why others won’t talk to them, which causes them pain. In other cases, the reasons are very clear, hurting them regardless. In all cases, I think what they really want is simply for an amiable, warm-spirited person to notice them; they, or I should say, we, want that person to befriend us, and ignore any waspish carping we might send their way the first time we meet. We want them to be able to look into our eyes, and tell us what we’re thinking, or know what kind of person we are. Because that is where we live now. Inside. Even being together in silence would suffice.

But alas, some of us do not have our Lilly or Hisao. Some of us have no one at all.

That hit closer to home then I probably feel comfortable with... It becomes also a lot worse when you've had a person like that, and lost them. I've been lonely ever since, and part of me prefers it now over that, because I feel that getting used to the lonelyness is a better option then getting hurt again. ( short summenary: It was a long relationship, 6 years, nasty break up, telling she loved someone else from one day to the other and left me behind, never saying a word to me again )

That's harsh, tells you more about her than anything, I guess. But is the same fear that dunkelfalke expresses? Fear for being rejected (get hurt again)? Life cannot be without hurt, unfortunately. But, it seems you're hurting now as well, right?

And yes, I've had troubles communicating with others ( don't wanna go into it why ), and there isn't much I can do about it, after the break up, the little amount of friends I had, all went away aswell, because I became depressed, and pushed everyone away, not leaving me with anyone anymore. It's probably around 3 years now that i've pretty much been lonely, and there probably will be more years to come. All in all, being lonely is maybe not something you really choise for, but it does make you feel like the outside world can't really get to you anymore, and that's when you realise you're running away. I'm at a point though, that I'm oké with running for now, even though it's pretty miserable.

Phew... ofcourse I expected that this wasn't an easy subject to talk about, but you guys know how to describe the feeling pretty intensely... hope we can keep talking about this a bit.

Swoopie wrote:

Danyo wrote: That hit closer to home then I probably feel comfortable with... It becomes also a lot worse when you've had a person like that, and lost them. I've been lonely ever since, and part of me prefers it now over that, because I feel that getting used to the lonelyness is a better option then getting hurt again. ( short summenary: It was a long relationship, 6 years, nasty break up, telling she loved someone else from one day to the other and left me behind, never saying a word to me again )

That's harsh, tells you more about her than anything, I guess. But is the same fear that dunkelfalke expresses? Fear for being rejected (get hurt again)? Life cannot be without hurt, unfortunately. But, it seems you're hurting now as well, right?

Yeah, it does tell more about her then anything ( I kinda said it wrong aswell, she actually didn't tell me she had someone else, she said she needed some time apart, a friend of mine told me she said she had a new relationship on facebook, and when I asked her about it she just admitted it and that was pretty much all that was said ). But, yes, it's pretty much like dunkelfalke sais, fear for being hurt again for me. I know life cannot be without hurt, but for me, by being lonely, I can at least choise my own hurt, and I can escape from it partially ( by playing video games, watching anime, reading a book though I haven't done that in a while... ) but it all comes back to you usually, for me it's often right before going to sleep, wich causes me to not sleep much at all. I'm probably hurting right now, but, it's not as bad as it could be, it's not like I'm tired of living ( though I've lost my fear of dying a while ago, if that makes sense ).

Swoopie wrote:

Danyo wrote: And yes, I've had troubles communicating with others ( don't wanna go into it why ), and there isn't much I can do about it, after the break up, the little amount of friends I had, all went away aswell, because I became depressed, and pushed everyone away, not leaving me with anyone anymore. It's probably around 3 years now that i've pretty much been lonely, and there probably will be more years to come. All in all, being lonely is maybe not something you really choise for, but it does make you feel like the outside world can't really get to you anymore, and that's when you realise you're running away. I'm at a point though, that I'm oké with running for now, even though it's pretty miserable.

Phew... ofcourse I expected that this wasn't an easy subject to talk about, but you guys know how to describe the feeling pretty intensely... hope we can keep talking about this a bit.

Well... I don't know about others, but I don't really see the harm in talking about it, especially online where no one knows you anyway. It's not that hard for me to describe how I feel, because it's pretty much the only thing I do feel these days.

Swoopie wrote:Why is it a knowledge? How do you know noone gives a damn? Is that a feeling? A consequence of too many people letting you down? I can relate to the escapism, kind of, although I'm far from 'unstable' as far as I know, I do tend to dive into 'other worlds' to escape the everyday dilemmas a bit, KS is/was one of them, me creating my own world through a bit of software developing is another one. But it comes nowhere near the intensity you are describing.

It is just there, after many years and many failures. You know it the same way you know tomorrow the sun will go up or the gravitation force will continue to exist.

Swoopie wrote:You say that being afraid of rejection is the biggest reason NOT trying to interact with people. How come? What are you afraid of other people might reject about you?

Not the biggest maybe, but a large one. You see, I know that there is something wrong with me, and that I am a mess in my head. And that I forgot how to talk to people. And I am ashamed of myself. Worthless. A failure on almost every level. Who would even want to talk to me?
This is the way the train of thoughts goes.

The other fear is to be hurt again. You see, you don't start that lonely, you get there with time. You hide inside yourself after other people hurt you. But then, years get behind, you hurt a bit less, want to come out and find yourself unable to. It has been too long, you don't know anyone, you don't know anymore how to meet people in first place, you don't have that many opportunities anymore due to a full time job. Nobody cares about your nice personality hidden deep behind all the cruft and mess. And here we come to the third fear. The fear of change. You see, being lonely sucks, but when you have lived through it for long enough, you don't know anything else anymore. It starts being a comfort zone, for an extremely perverted sense of the word "comfort". It is far easier just to stop being yourself for a while reading a visual novel, living the lives of virtual personalities, with all the social interactions that come with it.

That's a very, very sad closing of your post.

But very true.