Katawa Shoujo Forums

And another story is back from... wherever it is stories that haven't been updated in ages go to
Nice to see you're back - though to be perfectly honest I'd probably have to reread the beginning of the story to remember what it was about specifically.
Since the last update another Naomi story has been stared (and apparently also discontinued) so at first I thought this was that one.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Since the last update another Naomi story has been stared (and apparently also discontinued) so at first I thought this was that one.

On hiatus! On hiatus!!!

I suppose I have competition now, though; damn you Ria!

<3

Finally got around to reading this one a week or so ago, only just got around to typing everything up now, partly because of real life stuff and partly because I kind of wanted to organize my thoughts. I knew after finishing this story that I'd need some time to figure out what best to say, because the story was a little confusing, in a few ways.

First, there were a handful of strange word uses, where it felt like you had simply swapped the word you wanted to use with a random one. I can go through and compile a list if you want, I know it's been a while. Also, I'll emphasize that this was only really noticeable because the rest of your syntax was almost perfect, and I can't remember having any other gripes.

The second confusing part, in my mind, was your characterization of Naomi. Obviously there's basically no canon to go on, so I can't say you did it wrong, but she felt... off. She was bubbly and happy, but it felt strained. During the first few chapters, I wondered if it was a facade she was keeping up for Hisao, which would be shattered after long enough - that's how you wrote her character, in my opinion. However, this far into the story, I think that possibility has passed by (but I'd love to be proven wrong). Like before, I want to emphasize that your characterizations as a whole aren't bad - your Natsume, Hisao, Hanako, Yuu, and Ayao were quite good - but Naomi stood out as not quite right, imo.

Finally, I felt like the story didn't flow very well. The plot progressed, to be sure, but it felt like it was forced along rather than happening naturally. Part of this had to do with Naomi feeling a bit off: she was often used as the means to force the plot along, which felt too spontaneous. This is another common characteristic of characters who are straining to keep up a happy facade, since it's often the result of nervousness, but as mentioned, Naomi never went there. I know how incredibly difficult it is to make plots flow; by definition, you're making it up, and then trying to convince readers that it wasn't made up. It can take a lot of time to get it right.

There was a lot of nice text and plot in this story. Overall, it was a decent fic, even without having reached the meat of the relationship yet. However, if you improved on the three areas mentioned above, I think it could be a great story. There's a lot of potential going forwards, or even going back and changing what you already have. I'd love to see this story get better over time.

Oh, and of course, props for not just doing bog-standard photosensitive grand mal epilepsy. It's a bit more difficult to explain this way, but I actually think it will make for a better character and story.

I'm with Crafty on this one. Her personality does seem like she's faking it or forcing it at a times. Maybe she is just really really cheerful, but it seems a bit unnatural and you'd think somebody would have commented on it one way or another.

With that said, I do like how the story is moving along. One thing that especially interests me is how Hisao basically skipped his first canon interactions with the other girls and ended up with a completely different relationship and reaction to them (if he knows them at all.) It's rather thought provoking.

Kenji does bother me a bit though. While he does tend to go wile and crazy at times, usually his crazy just slowly seeps into the conversation, where at times you might think he's almost a normal guy until you talk to him long enough. Here's he seems to operate at full blown loon 100% of the time.