Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Zarys]

Example, Im not a body builder, im not "Alpha" Im not incredibly masculine (I have a toned body, but unless you saw me naked you couldn't really tell)
Heres the thing though, I call my girlfriend a Princess, amazing, the only girl for me, because it makes her happy. She dosen't see it as me saying im her "Dog" because im not, we've had arguments, we've both won some and lost some, but we stayed together because we love eachother. She dosent wish i was some manly bouncer who has 10 girls on his arm but chose her, she likes me for who I am. (And she's a solid 8-9, just to break your stereotype some more)

You said it, but you are certainly attractive in your own way if your girlfriend is a solid 8-9.
Sometimes we see people that we find beautiful with people who aren't our style, but objectively they aren't almost never ugly or many less pretty than their partners...and if they are with them, it's certainly that they don't find their partner less pretty than themselves.

self confidence and self respect. If you have that, you will draw the attention of the opposite sex, and your relationships will be more meaningful than people who only want you because you're a body builder or supermodel.

It's not like it was something possible for everyone or even always less innate than be muscular or attractive (without pretend be an other person than who you are, it's just not the nature of every guys). and be "confident " is really deeper than be muscular ? or less a male stereotype ? ( be "confident " is not a part of what is generally considered manly ? )

I mean, why it's better to say that the guys who aren't confident, shy , ect ...(finally a mental stereotype of an effeminate men or nerd, like the physical stereotype about fat guys or shrimps) aren't attractive is really better than says than those who aren't a body builder aren't attractive or it's just a more acceptable target nowadays ?

[Eurobeatjester]

Nah, that's not what I meant.

To an extent, nearly all attraction (that originates online and not through talking through a computer screen) starts at a physical level. You see someone, and you look at them, and start to form an opinion in your mind about them. That opinion will most likely change if you get to know them, but that opinion does happen. For example, a girl will look at a guy who's muscular and go "Wow, he's hot." It doesn't mean she thinks he'd be a good boyfriend or husband or anything, but it's just being able to appreciate how good someone looks. Everyone does it, regardless of gender.

I'm as straight as they come, and even I can watch the first few minutes of The Avengers and think "Wow, Chris Evans has a great ass."

It doesn't even have to be muscular. He could have his hair a certain way, or wear certain clothes, etc.

When you have a partner, you want someone that you share multiple common interests in, as opposed to just one thing. That one thing might be physical attraction to each other, but you don't get along at all. You might like the same band but find out you don't agree on religion or politics. You might find your partner is financially stable and successful but doesn't want kids while you do.

That's what I was getting at.

Some people put all their effort into improving only one aspect of themselves and while it will definitely attract people who are drawn to that one aspect, because they neglect improving themselves in other areas, they may find they have nothing in common with the people they attract except for those one or two things. It's rare a relationship like that lasts longer than a fling.

I've always thought of self confidence as knowing what and who you are, knowing what you can do and can't, and being comfortable in that while striving to improve yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be stereo-typically "manly." You don't have to be a bodybuilder for that, or make six figures, or drive a fancy car. What's more, you're not trying to impress somebody.

To me, self respect is having a set of principles or codes that you live by. Those can be different for everyone, but the key is to have integrity.

You should want to strive for this in your personal life not because it makes you attractive to the opposite sex, but because it improves you as a person. It makes you more attractive to people in general, regardless of if they want friendship, a business relationship, or a romantic relationship. Being more attractive to the opposite sex is a side effect from improving yourself as a person.

There are a lot of attitudes, books, and "systems" that teach you to give the impression that you're actually improving just enough to grab the attention of someone for sex. And if that's all they want, more power to them. But they will most likely sit there and wonder why the relationship never works out, because it was only based on that one thing in the first place. They tried to be someone or something they're not, it backfired, and then the think something is wrong with them being themselves instead of the person they were trying to be.

Bottom line: Be yourself. You can work on improving yourself and changing who you are for the better, but never try to be something you're not, especially when it comes to relationships.

[brythain]

Bottom line: Be yourself. You can work on improving yourself and changing who you are for the better, but never try to be something you're not, especially when it comes to relationships.

I think the rest of it is true, and so is this. But the official bottom line is: You are not alone, and you are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage. Be the better person.

[azumeow]

You are not alone, and you are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage.

Busta's tryna keep a bro down ain't let us talk about our shit less we out here with our brah's.

Translation: Annoying people complain when you talk about your problems, even though they're making you repeat four classes. My ex told me I made things about me too much. Well, yes, I make things about me when I'm upset. Which happens a lot. Because, ya know, PTSD.

Whev's. I've pretty much moved on (not that I won't complain a bit now and again, but I really have no fantasies of rekindling THAT relationship). A few others have caught my fancy, but I have to play my cards properly. Already kinda blew a few opportunities due to nervousness and her doing something I didn't expect. Welp, hopefully tomorrow I can take my chance. Hopefully. If not, what the frick ever.

[ParagonTerminus]

I've been hit with some rather painful news, and you guys are the only ones I actually feel can take it without mocking me.

Love and life are both bitches: I fell in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, and while I'm slowly working my way to change that, I'm told by some that it's fruitless. On top of that, she's leaving in two years.

The thing about life is that it tends to throw shit your way in waves. Overcome one obstacle, here comes the next. By the time you fight past it all, you've either forgotten about, don't care about, or simply can't acquire your original goal. And that depresses me.

[Zarys]

...

The message is good, but are really the "yourself" of everyone equals ? the true self of some person may be not very pleasant or attractive. (I'm sure many introverts , people with unusual/uncool interests, are really themselves but still can't appeal to most people without playing a role )

Translation: Annoying people complain when you talk about your problems, even though they're making you repeat four classes. My ex told me I made things about me too much. Well, yes, I make things about me when I'm upset. Which happens a lot. Because, ya know, PTSD.

Yeah I know, they don't really care about you, they cares about your problems only when you "bothers" them with, otherwise it doesn't matter at all for them.
Be "happy" to have a "true reason" to complain, otherwise it would be even worse.

I've been hit with some rather painful news, and you guys are the only ones I actually feel can take it without mocking me.

Love and life are both bitches: I fell in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, and while I'm slowly working my way to change that, I'm told by some that it's fruitless. On top of that, she's leaving in two years.

The thing about life is that it tends to throw shit your way in waves. Overcome one obstacle, here comes the next. By the time you fight past it all, you've either forgotten about, don't care about, or simply can't acquire your original goal. And that depresses me.

Huh ? what horrible people could find it "ridiculous" ? it's perfectly normal...about your situation...I understand you but are you sure you can force someone to loves you ?

[ParagonTerminus]

People love others because those others make them love them, whether consciously (seduction) or unconsciously (just having a personality)

I do suppose it's possible to try and change someone's views on you

[Broomhead]

It's possible to manipulate someone into loving you. I've never done it, but I could easily imagine a route there.

What I will say is that it may not be easy for your emotions to deal with it. I encourage people to chase their dreams, I think it's good for the mind to have a focus, so I won't warn you against this. What I will say is that choosing your battles is a very important skill to have in this.

It is said, 'Go not to Broomhead for counsel, for he will say both no and yes.

[Zarys]

People love others because those others make them love them, whether consciously (seduction) or unconsciously (just having a personality)

I do suppose it's possible to try and change someone's views on you

Of course yes , it's normal to try to be loved by someone, try to seduce or to please her , ect ...love is not necessarily instantaneous and it's not because she did not love you at first sight she would never loves you, but it sounded a bit manipulator, But I presume you know the limits you must don't cross, the signs that show that she really don't loves you,ect....
But what is the "just having a personality" ? you can be rejected and have a great personnality, and it's not why you have a "personnality" that some people would don't like you...it's not a question of quality (otherwise it would be very pretentious and disobliging to the people we don't likes), more of compatibility, chimy,ect... (and this is not necessarily reciprocal)

But yes I encouraged you to try, unless you see she really don't like your attempts. (These scenarios are not necessarily pleasant for girls too)

PS : And what is "having a personnality" means for you ? I'm curious. (And you don't have a opinon about what I said above about confidence ?)

It's possible to manipulate someone into loving you. I've never done it, but I could easily imagine a route there.
/quote]

Could you explain how ? I really don't see how it could be possible. (But I'm not really talented for it, it's explain certainly why. )

[Charmant]

It's possible to manipulate someone into loving you. I've never done it, but I could easily imagine a route there.

Could you explain how ? I really don't see how it could be possible. (But I'm not really talented for it, it's explain certainly why. )

Technically, anything you might do to attract a person is a form of manipulating them. So there's that.
And (referring to a different post) love is never instantaneous. Infatuation is, and it's unhealthy and dangerous.

[Zarys]

And (referring to a different post) love is never instantaneous. Infatuation is, and it's unhealthy and dangerous.

Cm'on you never had met someone who is like "If I don't have a crush on him/her at first sight, I will never try something with him/her or give him/her a chance ?"
Yes I agree that "love" is not instantaneous, but many people will not give you a chance or just see you as a friend (If you try to sympathize with them) if they don't have a infatuation for you.

[Charmant]

And (referring to a different post) love is never instantaneous. Infatuation is, and it's unhealthy and dangerous.

Cm'on you never had met someone who is like "If I don't have a crush on him/her at first sight, I will never try something with him/her or give him/her a chance ?"
Yes I agree that "love" is not instantaneous, but many people will not give you a chance or just see you as a friend (If you try to sympathize with them) if they don't have a infatuation for you.

No, I have never met this fictional strawman of a real human being.
Whatever you may think at the time, there is no mystical zone where you just become "friend" and are arbitrarily barred off from any chance at more.
In reality, friendship doesn't exist in a void and as such can and does occasionally evolve into love via the natural progress of a relationship.
For that matter, it can happen to mere acquaintances and even enemies too, because those relationships don't exist in a void either.

I mean, okay. I guess they can SAY "I'll never give [x] a chance because I wasn't immediately into him". They can even believe it. But practically, realistically? They're full of shit whether they know it or not.

[Zarys]

Yeah I have exaggerated a bit, I don't think that friendship necessarily blocks the attraction, but if the other person is not attracted to you at first, I don't see what you can do to change that. it's two different things and both are generaly needed. (otherwise it wouldn't exist people who can seduce but can't have a serious relationship, or people who are really sympathic, have friends but can't seduce)

[Zarys]

I said something wrong ? Just wanted to say that if there is not a minimum of physical attraction (which is usually quite immediate because it rarely change, you can try to seduce someone, just be friendly or whatever, what you can do if your crush find you unattractive ?) while sympathizing with someone, he/she will just see as a friend.
I don't believe in these stories of friendzone , ect ...but I don't think anyone can deny that unrequited love or cases where someone truly appreciates you but isn't physicaly attracted to you (basically just being a friend) don't exist, if the bitching about it is often exaggerated.

[Charmant]

...Why did you feel the need to reiterate yourself two days after the fact?