Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Comrade]

You seem to be on a Schwaggerbest crusade

[Neoteros]

So, yesterday my daily dose of antidepressants got halved, but I still feel awful. Not because of depression, but because of my almost pathological need for human contact and interaction. Ever since I graduated from high school 2 years ago, the only person I've had some sort of regular contact with has been my best friend and, since we live in two different continents, it's not like we can see each other often. I talk to other people (that aren't her or my family) less than twice a month, and they're mostly random encounters on the subway. I rarely talk to anyone at my university. And it's sort of killing me. Like, I actually feel physically sick. I know it's because of this, since I didn't feel awful when I met said friend some months ago, and those 2 weeks have actually been the happiest time in my life since... well, since I was born, maybe.

Still, I can't just talk to random people at uni, because when I talk to someone I don't know, the conversation becomes very awkward sooner or later. Not so long ago, I sort of talked for twenty minutes with a person (that probably found me annoying as hell), but the day after, I couldn't say anything at all to this person. I just can't think about anything interesting to say. Every day, I have to deal with soul-crushing loneliness, and it's not nice. I've even had suicidal thoughts once or twice, even though I'm not insane enough to act on them. Since this thread is full of various shades of awkward and asocial people, maybe there's someone that can give me some advice, or something?

[CharcoalWhite]

Words

I don't know if I am really qualified to give advice, but I'll give it a shot anyway. I am kind of the same way; I get really shy around people I don't know and can barely talk to them, if at all. Something my grandfather said is applicable here; "What other people think of you is none of your business." Even if that person did find you annoying, it is self sabotaging to assume that they did. I guess what I am trying to say is, unless you are absolutely positive you are annoying them, then it is fine to just keep the conversation going. I am pretty bad at small talk, but I have found that people like to talk about themselves, so asking people about their hobbies is a good way to keep the conversation running. Simple stuff like "How was class?" or "How was your day?" is pretty good for initiating conversation with people. Whenever I have to talk to people I don't know, I just stick to the basics and just let the conversation go whichever way it wants. If you run out on things to say, try asking question or two, but try not to do a 20 Questions thing with them. I'm not really a great conversationalist, so take this all with a grain of salt; I am not sure how clear I was since I am pretty tired right now. But I hope this helps.

[Haken]

Hi! I've just finished my first vn Katawo Shoujo with Hanako ending and i was looking for people's opinions now, because i loved it.
And that's how i found this thread and now i want to share my story with you, about how i became a lonely, shy, unsocial guy with social anxiety, even if 4 years ago i was a happy, optimistic kid with many friends that was a class joker. I know that no one will probably read it, but at least i will feel better after writing it. I wonder if it'll end with happy end or not. Unluckily i'm on the chapter "Losing Hope". (I'm also not native speaker so I want to apologize for my bad english).

So... When i was in 6th class in elementary school, i was a very active kid. I was always smiling. I was alway hanging out with my buddies and sometimes i was even fighting with oder kids, always swearing (I had a bigger balls then now... damn...). Once or twice i even bullied someone with my "friends" and i think that justice reached me. Even if i was very social I was always talking with people in my age or younger, so i didn't get on very well with people older then me. I lived in small town so there was only one elementary school, middle-school and high-school.

When I came to middle-school i didn't know anybody. In a new class there were my 4 friends from old school, but there were also 20 other people. (Those people from elementary school i knew since i was 6, but i always have a problem to get on well with new people). I wasn't able to talk to anybody from my class... I was trying to act cool and all but it ended up showing them the bad side of myself. I was also scared of guy from 2nd and 3rd class, because there is tradition to bully newcomers, so i tried to be quiet and don't give them any reason to bully me.

Then I don't know what happened... I changed. What was the reason? I don't know. I stopped talking to anybody, even my friends. Not that i didn't wanted to... I wasn't able to do that. After two weeks some people from my class started to calling me weirdo. But it wasn't the worst.
The worst happened after month... People from school started bullying me... And i let them do that... I wasn't able to tell a single word. They were telling me that i am a piece of shit and stuff like that every day. Everyday someone was talking behind my back. They were laughing at me just because i wasn't protecting myself and i was always hanging out alone. It was big change for me because i was always the most popular guy in the class. I was very angry and mad about what was happening. I stopped sleeping because i was crying at night, i only slept for like 4 hours. My nickname since that moment was "mule". I was always tired and looking like shit, which gave them another reason to bother me. I will just skip the rest... I became a lonely weirdo with no friends.

Make long story short - for all 3 years of middle school people were bullying me (even one of my old friends), i had depression, i lost all my friends. Everyday i wanted to kill myself. I didn't because there was always a hope that in high-school it will be better... right? High-school is always better. That's the place where you spent your best times! Nope... After middle-school my self-esteem was awful. And middle-school changed me a lot.
(help please)
I'm in the 1st class of high-school now. I have no friends at all. At least no one is bullying me right now. Now i don't have excuse why i don't have friends. That's all because i'm boring, stupid, shitty person.
There are 4 groups of people in my class "sportsman", "group of best friends I", "group of best friends II" and "weirdos". There are 4 weirdos in group of "weirdos" and they get on very well with each other. There is 1 otaku, 1 nerd and 2 metal/rock girls. To show you how i am isolated and not able to socialize and talk with people now:
I play games AND I watch anime and read manga AND I liten to rock and metal AND they were even trying to recruit me and started talking with. I STILL wasn't able to talk to them. I was just answering simple questions "yes","no". I wasn't able to start a normal conversation. They unluckily stopped trying to make me one of them 3 months ago so i'm basically the only person without group now.
And i'm losing hope now that i will ever be able to change, to be happy and to start smiling again. I feel like it's dead end. Even if i have a motivation and i want to change i end up acting like always next day - sitting far from others with headphones on. I have had a depression for 4 years, but at least i don't want to kill myself anymore. At least so often...
I can't talk to people and i don't know what can i do. I also don't want to meet with specialist that get paid for talking with crazy and weird people(I know i'm one of them). Never.

It's probably one big chaos what i wrote, but i wrote it in emotions and when i was writing more and more i was getting sadder and sadder. No one will read this or even more - answer anyway... But it feel good that maybe there will be one person that will read this and maybe understand that babble and what i feel. I actually have never told it to anybody - i mean - my story. I feel so lonely... I really want to have normal live.
I now that it'll sound strong and improperly but because i have normal parents, i don't have child trauma, i have no scars. It means that all that happened is my fault. It means that i'm garbage and all that is happening is because i'm such a awful person. And it's the way i am, and i think it will never change. Which means I will be always alone for the rest of my life. I want to be normal...

I will be really surprised if someone will read that.

[Potato]

I now that it'll sound strong and improperly but because i have normal parents, i don't have child trauma, i have no scars. It means that all that happened is my fault. It means that i'm garbage and all that is happening is because i'm such a awful person. And it's the way i am, and i think it will never change. Which means I will be always alone for the rest of my life. I want to be normal...

I didn't read the rest (I skimmed) and had difficulty deciphering this bit...But what on Earth are you talking about? You don't have childhood trauma so you're garbage? How does that even compute...

[CharcoalWhite]

I will be really surprised if someone will read that.

I read it, and I think I understand what you mean. I didn't mention this in my post, but I was basically raised with the idea that my feelings were completely irrelevant and more of a distraction. I never told anyone what I felt, in fact, this was to such a degree that to this day I don't say "I feel like...", instead I say "I think that..." I lived with the mentality that no one would ever listen to me, and I said something similar to you in my post. And, I think, to a degree, you are right. There are so many people who will simply ignore the pain of others and tell them that it cannot be as bad as they say. This is especially true about mental illnesses, such as depression. But this place is different. Here, we can empathize with you, because while we may not know your situation, we all know what it is like to be depressed and alone. Here, there will be someone to read your story, not matter how insignificant you may think it to be.
And just because you weren't traumatized as a child does not mean that you are to blame for your current situation. If you want to be normal, then you should focus on trying to make progress toward that goal. It doesn't matter if you don't get there in a month or even a year. But if you keep making progress, you will get there eventually.
You are not garbage. You may be scuffed up a bit, but so are we. And that is why we read each others stories.

[Haken]

I didn't read the rest (I skimmed) and had difficulty deciphering this bit...But what on Earth are you talking about? You don't have childhood trauma so you're garbage? How does that even compute...

I was tired yesterday when i wrote that, so i understand that you might be confused. About that thing - it's not like i want to have a trauma. I'm really happy that nothing like that happened, but... It's really, really hard to describe. What I meant is that if something bad happened to someone that means that it wasn't his fault. It is influencing on his life, but that's not how he really is. He can be treated. He can change. If that thing would not happen then he would be a normal, happy person. I'm glad that nothing like that happened to me, but that also means that I've became the person that is here, because of myself. I can't blame no one else for what happened to me and what i've became. Because of my decisions and just my own nature i'm like that.

CharcoalWhite, thank you for reading my story and your response. You told me to slowly making a progress, but I'm trying to change, but every time i do that i fail. I don't know if it's even possible to change.
I also read your story and i think I understand the part about blaming yourself for making bad decisions, although in a different context. And i also played Katawa Shoujo to experience being in relationship, because i have never been able to be in one because of my shyness and social awkwardness. When i finished Hanako's story yesterday, I was a little depressed, because i think i got attached too much to Hanako. I was really imagining that i'm Hisao and when credits showed up i didn't know what to do. I can't imagine me playing that game again with other character. And I also don't believe that something like that will ever happen to me in life. Being loser is hard.

[metalangel]

And i also played Katawa Shoujo to experience being in relationship, because i have never been able to be in one because of my shyness and social awkwardness.

You're in the first year of high school, which should make you 14 or 15 years old. I know it might be hard to accept because you don't know any better, but you can't start dealing in absolutes like this so early. You have several years before you'll be an adult, high school is a time of great changes of all kinds in your life and to write yourself off as hopeless now is foolish. Almost nobody has had a 'relationship' at your age apart from 'if I give you a cookie, you're my girlfriend today'.

Moving on from that, have you considered seeing a therapist? There might be more to what you're describing, and a professional would be able to help you identify it and deal with it. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Thinking you deserve nothing better than the mess you've made is a possible symptom, for example.

[Haken]

You're in the first year of high school, which should make you 14 or 15 years old.

I'm actually 17 and it's not like I'm super depressed by the fact that i don't have a girlfriend, as i don't even have a friend. I just wanted to experience that.

About a therapist... I was thinking about it, but it's impossible to visit one without your parents knowing if you're under 18. My parents don't know about anything or they just don't care, as soon as I have good grades and the fact that i don't see anybody after school probably don't bother them. But i really don't want them to know. How will they react that their son has mental issues? It's better to wait that one year.

[Steinherz]

How will they react that their son has mental issues?

If they're actually good and smart parents, they'd try to get you help.
Seriously.

[metalangel]

How will they react that their son has mental issues?

If they're actually good and smart parents, they'd try to get you help.
Seriously.

Haken knows his situation better than anyone, and it looks like he's going to wait. I respect his judgment.

My parents are good and smart - even now as an adult if I were to go ask about or start seeing a therapist, they would not take it in a way which would I consider good or helpful to me. If anything, I am put off going - and indeed doing any number of things - because I know what their reaction will be like.

[OtakuNinja]

The deeper I delve down in this thing called "friendship", the more hidden conflicts I discover...

[Potato]

How will they react that their son has mental issues?

If they're actually good and smart parents, they'd try to get you help.
Seriously.

Haken knows his situation better than anyone, and it looks like he's going to wait. I respect his judgment.

My parents are good and smart - even now as an adult if I were to go ask about or start seeing a therapist, they would not take it in a way which would I consider good or helpful to me. If anything, I am put off going - and indeed doing any number of things - because I know what their reaction will be like.

Maybe they're not as good and smart as you believe then...To say nothing of the awful position of letting their potential reactions limit what you do...

@Haken: Whether something's happened to a person or not, they are always exactly how they really are. I've got all kinds of shit influencing me but I've never once claimed this is not how I really am. I am, really, a bitter and cynical being filled with terrible thoughts and hopelessly frustrated ambitions and desperately seeking a direction that doesn't ultimately end in a horrible demise. Had my life gone differently, without the various traumatic events that were involved, I wouldn't somehow be who I 'really' am so much as I would be a different person entirely.

[metalangel]

Maybe they're not as good and smart as you believe then...To say nothing of the awful position of letting their potential reactions limit what you do...

They're good hearted, well-educated people. Unfortunately, with this intelligence comes a sense of them just innately knowing better and it can be unpleasant. I've learned to keep a lot of things to myself rather than have to deal with the explanations that would be involved.

[ArazelEternal]

Unfortunately just keeping things bottled up inside doesn't work all the time. I should know.

I had a severe mental meltdown two months ago and ended up in the ER for a few hours because of it. I don't remember much of it, but my father told me I was hysterical. A lot of it came from just shutting down and not talking to anyone about anything because I didn't want to burden others with my issues. The way I saw it is they have enough to deal with without worrying about me. Finally it just got to be too much and came out in that meltdown.

I'm learning now that just talking it out helps a lot. Even if the other person has nothing to say in return, just talking and venting helps a lot. I'm on an medicine that is both an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety, and I have a potent anti-anxiety I take on the side if I'm having an episode of anxiety that doesn't respond to anything else. Thankfully, I haven't had to take any for a good while now.

I also was seeing a shrink for a while. I'd still like to see him, but I cant afford the sessions and have no health insurance because I cant afford that either. Go figure. He diagnosed me with depression and also told me that I was on the high-functioning spectrum of autism. That makes sense since my elder brother is highly autistic and my mother had an idea for years that I was as well, but didn't say anything about it because she wasn't sure how I would react to it. It took it okay because it doesn't change who I am, but only gives me more direction in life.

My point here is - and this is for everyone - do not be afraid to talk to someone. Don't let what happened to me happen to you. Its the worst feeling in the world, utter helplessness, hopelessness and uselessness. Thankfully someone was around when it happened, otherwise I very likely would not be here right now.