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Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 7:33 pm
by griffon8
neio wrote:Xanadu happens to be the estate in the film Citizen Kane. The movie Xanadu is terrible*.
I actually remembered that from Citizen Kane. The terrible movie was perfect for my sister and me to watch, along with Grease 2 and The Pirate Movie, for a cheesy musical marathon. We laughed and groaned. Mostly groaned.
neio wrote:And it seems you still can't handle my "Interests" under my Profile.
And yet I still want it. :P

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 8:16 pm
by neio
griffon8 wrote:
neio wrote:Xanadu happens to be the estate in the film Citizen Kane. The movie Xanadu is terrible*.
I actually remembered that from Citizen Kane. The terrible movie was perfect for my sister and me to watch, along with Grease 2 and The Pirate Movie, for a cheesy musical marathon. We laughed and groaned. Mostly groaned.
Last time I did something like that, we watched the newest Green Lantern. Urgh.
neio wrote:And it seems you still can't handle my "Interests" under my Profile.
And yet I still want it. :P
C'mon people, I think I've made it obvious enough. A Few Good Men? No?

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 8:58 pm
by forgetmenot
Image
neio wrote:C'mon people, I think I've made it obvious enough. A Few Good Men? No?
I got it... waves sheepishly from the corner

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:20 pm
by Helbereth
neio wrote:And it seems you still can't handle my "Interests" under my Profile.
Being totally honest, I've never looked at anyone's profile here before. I did get the reference after I actually looked, though.

As for the Xanadu thing, I've never seen Citizen Kane, either. All I know from it is the "Rosebud" line. Never really had the opportunity to see it, so I couldn't even summarize the plot.

While I'm still being honest, I've never watched The Godfather, either. I've seen bits and pieces, and most of the plot has probably been spoiled, but I just never found it interesting. It's not the movie itself, so much as the fact that the mobster genre, as a whole, disinterests me--I'm not sure why.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:01 pm
by neio
Helbereth wrote:
neio wrote:And it seems you still can't handle my "Interests" under my Profile.
As for the Xanadu thing, I've never seen Citizen Kane, either. All I know from it is the "Rosebud" line. Never really had the opportunity to see it, so I couldn't even summarize the plot.
*Grabs heart* AUGH!
That film is often considered the greatest of all time. While I can't say I agree with that assessment, it's certainly iconic, and it transformed cinema as a whole. Many of the cinematic techniques you see used today were pioneered by Citizen Kane.
While I'm still being honest, I've never watched The Godfather, either. I've seen bits and pieces, and most of the plot has probably been spoiled, but I just never found it interesting. It's not the movie itself, so much as the fact that the mobster genre, as a whole, disinterests me--I'm not sure why.
The Godfather and The Godfather Part II are hands-down the best films in the mobster genre. They also top lists of the greatest films of all time. I can't honestly recommend any other mobster movies; the Godfather series is practically all of my experience with that genre. I encourage you to watch it sometime. Besides, spoilers actually enhance enjoyment.
forgetmenot wrote:http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/859825/ ... ruth-o.gif
neio wrote:C'mon people, I think I've made it obvious enough. A Few Good Men? No?
I got it... waves sheepishly from the corner
Great gif!

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:00 am
by griffon8
neio wrote:
griffon8 wrote:
neio wrote:And it seems you still can't handle my "Interests" under my Profile.
And yet I still want it. :P
C'mon people, I think I've made it obvious enough. A Few Good Men? No?
Why yes, you did. Tom Cruise's line right before Jack Nicholson says "You can't handle the truth!" is "I want the truth!" Thus, my comment about wanting it, and the smiley I put after it.

Chapter 31A - Monday For Won

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:03 am
by Helbereth
I wasn't quite expecting to have this finished so soon, but figured there's no harm posting chapters in quick succession--I used to do it all the time. I'm not really sure what to say about this except that I had more fun writing it than should be legal.

Previous|Next
_______________________________________________________
Chapter 31A - Monday For Won

The night sky is dressed in a blanket of stars as Hisao and I walk along the empty streets. Since Sunday, I've spent my time in and out of classes, pointless as they may seem, while dedicating as much of the the remainder of the week as possible to Hisao. There's a small part of me that feels like I'm being clingy, but he hasn't complained.

Near the center of town is a small movie-house where they show older movies most of the time. Tonight it was a dubbed version of Forrest Gump, complete with badly interpreted accents, which we continually cracked jokes about throughout the viewing. Afterward we had dinner at the Beijing, and now we're strolling around the park. The conversation has fallen into silence, but neither of us cares much about talking. Simply being with each other is all that matters.

It's Saturday night, and he's due to catch a train tomorrow before noon. Playing phone-tag with his parents all week, they worked out the details while I've stayed close—to show my support. Not that I think he needs the extra boost of confidence, but I just wanted to be near him, almost as though I'm making up for the time we'll be forced apart. Before we left for the movie, I helped him pack, though he could probably have handled that on his own.

He travels light.

Finding a park bench, he angles us toward it and sits down, inviting me to sit beside him. There's a little chill in the air, but I wore a cardigan to fight back the evening air, and Hisao's arm across my shoulder covers any other coldness I might feel. Resting my head against his chest, I feel safe despite the looming darkness, and his erratic heartbeat lulls me further—it's surprisingly calming despite what it indicates.

“Your mom is arriving Tuesday night, right?” he asks absently.

Nodding slowly, almost automatically, I reply, “Yeah, she and Midori will be stuck on a plane together for eight hours—maybe longer.”

While I'm explaining, he starts rubbing my arm and I smile contentedly despite the gravity of the situation starting to sink in—I almost miss him already. There's a dark corner of my mind that wants him to stay, forego the trip home to reconnect with his parents, and remain with me for the whole summer. That probably wasn't going to happen no matter what epiphany he had, but I still wish he could stay.

“That sounds harrowing,” he says, and I have to think for a moment to remember what I was talking about.

“Yeah,” I reply simply, my despondent tone being hard to hide.

“I haven't left yet,” he says, jostling me with his hand, “don't sound so depressed.”

“I know, I just-” stopping my reply, I sit up and take his hand off my shoulder, wrapping my hands around it instead. “I wish you could stay... longer at least,” I continue, shrugging, “so you could meet Mom, y'know? And maybe we could spend a few days alone on a beach somewhere... away from everyone.” Looking into his eyes, I whisper, “just by ourselves.”

The implication isn't lost on him, and I see him blushing even in the dim lamplight. There are a lot of things I've kept from Hisao: my condition, the state of my dorm room, and the jealousy I sometimes feel, but especially the desires. It's unlikely he hasn't guessed I've thought about it, but I've never brought it up in conversation, and neither has he. Somehow we arrived at a silent agreement not to talk about sex, but I feel like it's time to break that contract.

“Like you said though,” I add, resting against his chest again, “you haven't left... yet.”

Sitting out on a park bench in the middle of town is probably not the best place to start something sordid, but I don't want him to misinterpret my meaning. Releasing his hand, I run one of mine down along his leg and, gripping his knee, I pull it gently aside while the other slides over his hip, stopping to rest against his inner thigh. Having my head against his chest, I can't see his expression, but he lets out a soft groan in response to my touch.

“We have all night, actually,” I coo, tracing my fingers over his zipper.

After a few moments of my gently stroking the front of his pants, he reaches a hand up to cradle my cheek and rasps, “Not here.”

Wrapping my hand over the stiff cylinder forming against his thigh, I look up and whisper, “Wanna see my room?”

After the initial shock of the sensation wears off, he stops gritting his teeth and looks into my eyes. “I'll need to stop by my room first,” he replies, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

“I think I've got that covered,” I reply, guessing what he's talking about. “I have raincoats in my raincoat,” I whisper, giggling a little, “and my desk drawer...”

“Been planning this a while?”

Instead of replying, I run my hand along his pants and press lightly. It causes him to bite his lip and groan again, and the sound makes grin devilishly. Once he recovers, he turns an excited glance at me and goes to say something, but I reach up and place a finger against his lips. “Shh,” I chide, moving to stand, “Let's just say I have... interesting friends.”

“Don't I know it...” he replies, following me up and wrapping his arms around my waist.

I probably could do this right here...

Shoving that exhibitionist thought aside, I stand up on my toes and meet him in a deep kiss. After a small eternity, his hands start roaming up across my sides and around to the front. Stopping the kiss to look for approval, he gazes into my eyes for a moment before I manage to nod.

Emboldened, he resumes the kiss while his hands continue along my sides, then run up over the cardigan material. Slipping beneath that to the thin cotton dress below, I feel a jolt of tingling run over my body and moan into his lips. With both his hands wrapped around my breasts, teasing the fabric across my bare skin beneath, I'm suddenly grateful Naoko talked me into borrowing one of her sun-dresses.

It's like wearing tissue-paper...

Before he can get too excited—or I can, for that matter—I break the kiss and take a short step back, just far enough to discourage his continued contact. “Down boy~!” I tease, reaching up to run a hand along his jaw, “We have all night for that—let's not get ourselves arrested and have to do this in jail.”

“Do they allow conjugal visits in local prisons?”

“Do you think that would stop me?”

Conceding the point, he nods and gestures for me to walk alongside him. After walking for a while, he turns a bewildered glance at me and asks, “We're talking about sex, right?”

“Yes, we're going to fuck,” I reply, groaning a sigh.

Some Master of Romance he is...

As we're walking, the darkness suddenly falls in on us, and I feel my shoulder being shaken gently. Soon the foggy haze dissipates and I blink my eyes open, finding the the concerned gaze of Ikaru Ito looking back at me.

"Miss Kurai, I know the festival is this week, and you're under a lot of stress, but you're setting a bad example sleeping in class," he scolds, and I straighten in my chair, glancing around in confusion. Finding the calendar against the far wall, I read the date and stare in disbelief--Wednesday, June Sixth.

It was a dream...?

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I glance behind me and see Amaya's grinning visage. "What was that about raincoats?"

"Nothing!" I squeak, turning back to face the front of class.

The whole last month... was a dream?

The end.
______________________________________________________________
Previous|Next

In case anyone needs a diagram, look here.

I will not apologize for this.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:36 am
by neio
griffon8 wrote: Why yes, you did. Tom Cruise's line right before Jack Nicholson says "You can't handle the truth!" is "I want the truth!" Thus, my comment about wanting it, and the smiley I put after it.
Derp.

Now back to the regularly scheduled programming.
Helbereth wrote:Since Sunday, I've spent my time in and out of classes, pointless as they seemed, while dedicating as much of the the remainder of the week as possible to Hisao.
This sentence may or may not be technically correct (it's 1AM over here), but the tenses bother me.
each-other
There's something about this forum and the phrase "each other." It's not one word (eachother), and it's not hyphenated (each-other). It's two words: each other.
There are a lot of things I've kept from Hisao; my condition, the state of my dorm room, and the jealousy I sometimes feel, but especially the desires.
Use a colon.
The whole last month... was a dream?
Kill me now :P
I can't believe you would do that. How far back in the story is a month? Oh, there it is. We're pre-festival. *Desk through face*
Ugh. For cryin' out loud. April Fool's my ass.
I mean geez. Urgh. Ack. Blech. qurfpsgcvjubhyknz.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 03/30/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:59 am
by Helbereth
neio wrote:
The whole last month... was a dream?
Kill me now :P
I can't believe you would do that. How far back in the story is a month?
June 6th is the first day of the story--it's assumed she's waking from an impromptu nap during her first class of the day after talking to Emi about the new guy. It's technically a little more than a month, but being specific just didn't sit right.
Ugh. For cryin' out loud. April Fool's my ass.
I mean geez.
Maybe you need the diagram I prepared.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:02 am
by neio
I just choked on my own choking, then proceeded to choke to a death by choking.
Image

The question arises. Are you going to include an H-scene in the story or just wave your hand at it? (E.g. "I close the door and lead him over to the bed... Boy, last night was fun.")

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 1:29 am
by Helbereth
neio wrote:The question arises. Are you going to include an H-scene in the story or just wave your hand at it? (E.g. "I close the door and lead him over to the bed... Boy, last night was fun.")
My experience reading H-scenes is that they need to be very personal to contribute anything to the story. The best answer I can probably give is that I've experimented with--pardon the pun-- doing it both ways. The first experience, I decided long ago, would almost have to be written start to finish, and covering all points in between. Later coital episodes would likely be glazed over unless they achieve some significance in the narrative. Basically, my plan is to use it when it's integral, but not gratuitously.

The way it's written, I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time swimming in Aiko's mind, exposing her fears, insecurities and desires to the reader, if not to the other characters. Writing an H-scene would likely end up being a visceral bit of prose as a result. The thing I've had trouble deciding is whether to bring out the full-blown dirty mind she keeps locked inside for a somewhat surreal, exciting, heart-attack inducing romp, or use her conservative outward projection and generate a slower, less sensory experience that focuses on eye contact and body language.

One thing I will say: I think about it a lot--as with anything else in the story.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:14 am
by BlackWaltzTheThird
Helbereth wrote:Puppet-y stuff
It's so weird, I was listening to Master of Puppets when I logged in to see your update. *Cue Twilight Zone music*
Helbereth wrote:Meat-loaf and mashed potatoes in gravy with sautéed Brussels sprouts and Parmesan cheese.
How delightfully... non-exotic. Well, to me, anyway. I'm sure something like that would be quite exotic in Japan.
Helbereth wrote:Bacon-face!?
Totally called it. Also; man, that was harsh. Bad Aiko, bad!
Helbereth wrote:but that might just be a rouse.
That would be a ruse. Time to stab another editor, I guess.
Helbereth wrote:Taking a breath...

Putting on a worried frown...

Looking up from...

Taking a few moments...

Closing my eyes...
This series of passages gets on my nerves for some reason. I know that being in a first-person present tense pretty much requires that all verbs be in that form, but the fact that five consecutive non-inner monologue paragraphs began with an -ing word seems really unnatural to me. I don't know if anyone else feels that way, but them sticking out to me as they did is probably worth noting.
Helbereth wrote:I sourced his last name from a composer Final Fantasy geeks should know.
I noticed. And I squee-d slightly. I don't think one's power level has to be anywhere near 9000 to be familiar with him, though.
Helbereth wrote:Such that I'm a fan of the Suzu route written by Scissorlips, I decided to use the Beijing as it's part of fanon, or head-canon, or whatever term you want to apply.
I like it when this kind of "referencing other famous fics" thing happens. In moderation, of course.
Helbereth wrote:Monday For Won
Pun detected, and fun had. I salute you, sir.

I think there was something else, but I can't remember anymore. It took me long enough to remember which five-letter word you mistakenly used in place of an unrelated four-letter word as it is, so I think I'll just give up on trying to remember at this point. Maybe I should make a running list of things I noticed next time. Anyway, I'm glad to have had updates to come back to after my Easter holiday. Cheers for that, man.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:52 pm
by Helbereth
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Puppet-y stuff
It's so weird, I was listening to Master of Puppets when I logged in to see your update. *Cue Twilight Zone music*
This just makes me wonder if anyone caught the Twilight Zone reference... or what it meant.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Meat-loaf and mashed potatoes in gravy with sautéed Brussels sprouts and Parmesan cheese.
How delightfully... non-exotic. Well, to me, anyway. I'm sure something like that would be quite exotic in Japan.
That was the point, really. My objective was to reference the most boring dish found on American tables, and arrived at meat-loaf quite easily. For the record, I feel I should mention that I make an excellent meat-loaf, I'm a savant when it comes to mashed potatoes, and I adore Brussels sprouts.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Bacon-face!?
Totally called it. Also; man, that was harsh. Bad Aiko, bad!
The hints were meant to be somewhat obvious, especially considering the book being borrowed. Still, Aiko had to remain oblivious.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:but that might just be a rouse.
That would be a ruse. Time to stab another editor, I guess.
That one's probably on me as much as my editor(s). I used the first spelling I thought of and didn't bother checking.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Taking a breath...

Putting on a worried frown...

Looking up from...

Taking a few moments...

Closing my eyes...
This series of passages gets on my nerves for some reason. I know that being in a first-person present tense pretty much requires that all verbs be in that form, but the fact that five consecutive non-inner monologue paragraphs began with an -ing word seems really unnatural to me. I don't know if anyone else feels that way, but them sticking out to me as they did is probably worth noting.
Thanks for pointing that out, actually. I went back and altered that section to reduce the amount of repetitive verb forms, and I'll add it to my list of conventions to avoid repeating in the future (like starting sentences with 'I', repeating words within sentences, and other window-dressing rules).
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:I sourced his last name from a composer Final Fantasy geeks should know.
I noticed. And I squee-d slightly. I don't think one's power level has to be anywhere near 9000 to be familiar with him, though.
Probably true. Still, like Satoru Miyoto, and Nobuo, Jun got part of his name because I'm a video game nerd (Satoru Miyoto is a double reference, actually).
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Such that I'm a fan of the Suzu route written by Scissorlips, I decided to use the Beijing as it's part of fanon, or head-canon, or whatever term you want to apply.
I like it when this kind of "referencing other famous fics" thing happens. In moderation, of course.
I used some relationship conventions among the secondary and peripheral characters, but this is the only fanon location I decided to reuse. Really there aren't a lot of them to reference, as far as I recall. I created the pool building (defined it, rather), and the Soliloquy dress shop in the city, but few authors have made many new places within the KS world. Moderation is definitely key, though.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Monday For Won
Pun detected, and fun had. I salute you, sir.
I wasn't even planning this. Last night, I went upstairs to check something and the thought struck me 'tomorrow is 04/01'... I only had about 3 hours until midnight, so I sat down and started writing--missing my show in the process. I should shout-out to JTemby, who gave it a once-over prior to release and suggested the dream ending.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I think there was something else, but I can't remember anymore. It took me long enough to remember which five-letter word you mistakenly used in place of an unrelated four-letter word as it is, so I think I'll just give up on trying to remember at this point. Maybe I should make a running list of things I noticed next time. Anyway, I'm glad to have had updates to come back to after my Easter holiday. Cheers for that, man.
Might I suggest having a second window open with a reply that you can add stuff to while reading. That's usually what I do when I'm reading something and come across a mistake, rather than finishing reading and forgetting what I found.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 6:56 pm
by neio
Helbereth wrote:
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I think there was something else, but I can't remember anymore. It took me long enough to remember which five-letter word you mistakenly used in place of an unrelated four-letter word as it is, so I think I'll just give up on trying to remember at this point. Maybe I should make a running list of things I noticed next time. Anyway, I'm glad to have had updates to come back to after my Easter holiday. Cheers for that, man.
Might I suggest having a second window open with a reply that you can add stuff to while reading. That's usually what I do when I'm reading something and come across a mistake, rather than finishing reading and forgetting what I found.
This right here. Reading without a pencil in your hand or a notepad window open is barely reading. I like to annotate even when I'm reading leisurely. You can also use a browser extension to highlight stuff on-the-fly, or a clipboard manager which automatically saves the previous contents in a scrollable list.

Re: Tomorrow's Doom - Aiko Kurai (OC) Updated 04/01/2013

Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:34 am
by JTemby
Helbereth wrote:I should shout-out to JTemby, who gave it a once-over prior to release and suggested the dream ending.
Love you too, mate.