Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Neoteros]

Do you remember that girl I had an hopeless (due to her living on another continent and being homosexual) crush on? Well... some days ago she asked me if I could give her my address, since, ehm, she wants to send me a birthday gift. That's, like, the sweetest thing a friend of mine has ever done for me. I was rather... touched. It feels good to feel not alone once in a while... ^^'

[pandaphil]

Do you remember that girl I had an hopeless (due to her living on another continent and being homosexual) crush on? Well... some days ago she asked me if I could give her my address, since, ehm, she wants to send me a birthday gift. That's, like, the sweetest thing a friend of mine has ever done for me. I was rather... touched. It feels good to feel not alone once in a while... ^^'

Ah cool, congrats man! Its great to hear someones having luck with relationships. Let us know how it goes.

[YZQ]

Also, the update on my first ever dinner date with a lady.

It went on pretty well, IMO. Typical Western meal, followed by a beer. Then, it's sending her to her train station (or our local equivalent, at any rate). Helped that her stop is en route to mine.

We talked at the table, and over the beer. Probably the longest time I ever had with a lady alone. Personality-wise, she's Emi. Outdoor person, have a lot of friends and love to party. Still, she has the sense not to party if there's work the next day. Travels a lot too.

[Xanatos]

...will eventually become scar and will barely leaves its mark as times goes on...

Isn't a defining point of scars that they're sort of...Very long-lasting, if not permanent?

@YZQ: Ihateyousomuchgaaaahsojealous Congratulations.

[YZQ]

Now, to plan a follow-up. May find myself eventually dangling from a bungee cord overseas as part of a trip with her.

Scars can lessen with time and surgical procedures, but it is near impossible to eliminate them fully.

[pandaphil]

Sweet! Keep it up, we're rooting for you!

[YZQ]

KS helped me a little. I was musing to myself about our (me and the lady) differences, when I remembered Hisao and Rin.

[Warwise]

Well, I've changed my mind about leaving this for later, so I'm posting here now. I haven't read all the stories that people have written here, but from the ones I have read, I hope your experiences hasn't broken your spirit, and that you all grow to be better people. May you find happiness in whatever you do and seek out love when you feel comfortable.

I'll start off with a bit of background of myself.

I have been battling clinical depression on and off for around 12 years now. Originally, I was diagnosed with autism (more like Asperger's Syndrome, but that was the legalese) and anxiety disorder not otherwise specified. I worked around that childhood diagnosis after many years of counselling, behavioural therapy and medication. I put that behind me, but the depression stayed. Sure, I only have a bad episode of depressive mantras that last for an hour or so once every few months now (compared to ones every other day lasting hours), but I struggle with intense emotional issues that come up in day to day life, albeit I am able to hold myself together for the most part.

My first intimate relationship was when I was 20. I never really got around to dating during high school, even though I had obvious crushes, so in hindsight, I was desperate to find a relationship, and it didn't help that I held it off for so long. The girl I met was an international student from China, who was taking business courses in the same university I was in. We met at a Korean fast food place on campus. I was eating by myself initially. She came by me, saying she was amazed I knew how to use chopsticks properly (I'm of Caucasian descent). From there, we talked for a while, getting to know each other, and having a good time. After about an hour or two, she said she was lonely because she didn't have friends around. I felt that I should do something, so I gave her a hug. She afterwards interjected, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" I was taken aback by her comment, and I needed time to think on that. I settled with exchanging numbers, and called her later to say yes.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

We met up on campus continually, along with meeting up with her friends (and her with mine). We both enjoyed talking small talk, about how our lives were going, our interests, our families. Eventually that led to me being invited to her apartment that she was renting. That being said, we only had one thing on our minds (or at least I think we did). I stopped myself short of starting into foreplay as I didn't want to be so forward, as I realized I was pushing things too fast for my liking. The next time over there, not so much.

It was my first time. It was not her first time, so I had a bit of guidance, to say the least. I did watch porn, so it wasn't like I was completely oblivious. It was amazing (and yes, I used protection). Safe to say, we liked each other. But as I found out over time, we didn't have much else.

After being with her for a few weeks, things started to change. I had a hard time trying to express my feelings toward her in a non-physical manner. It didn't help with the language barrier. I also found out she recently broke up with her ex because she moved over to Canada, and not because the relationship didn't turn out. Her mannerisms were also very rude to other ethnicities. Her outlook on the world was very straight to the point: I'm going to make a business here because that is what my parents did, and my grandparents before that. I was finding she was a very cold person. At one point, she told me that she didn't feel my love, and I told her sweet nothings in return, and I barely kept the relationship going. I hated the fact that I couldn't portray my emotions properly. I had feelings for her, I just couldn't emote them in a way she wanted.

The last day I met with her was on her birthday. We went out for dinner at an Indian restaurant. She was asking questions to the crew inside along the lines of "Is it against your religion to eat with the left hand?" I was growing increasingly annoyed by her attitude. Afterwards, after I stopped in the aparment parking lot, she asked me why I didn't love her. Damnit, I loved her. She then tried to start kissing me. I had it. I left my car while she waited there. A minute later, she opened the door and left to her apartment. I got a phone call later that night from her, checking to see if I wasn't going to do something stupid. She told me she would've broke up with me earlier, but I was too emotionally fragile and was afraid.

Never in my entire life had I ever felt so insulted. She didn't have the spine to break up with me. I was bitter, to say the least. I was still naive though, so I asked if she still wanted to stay as friends I have to admit, that was idiotic on my part. The obvious answer came back, and I haven't seen her since.

About 9 months later, I got a call in the middle of the night. Of a crying baby. Oh god. I later found out, after getting no response back, it was a prank to freak me out. Anger doesn't describe the half of what I felt.

I have dated people after that point, but most have seen that I can't handle myself too well. I hope to improve more, but I know I will always have struggles. And I kick myself for mistakes too much. Even the small ones. After all is said and done, I don't regret what I did. I needed to learn the hard way.

Well, we all get fucked one way or another.

Its important to know that what comes easily also go away easily. Easy women arent to be treasured, because if they do stuff with you easily and without barely knowing you they will probabily do it with someone else.

Its also important to believe in intuition: if you feel there is something wrong, you are probabily right. That is important.

[Velitation]

Well, I've changed my mind about leaving this for later, so I'm posting here now. I haven't read all the stories that people have written here, but from the ones I have read, I hope your experiences hasn't broken your spirit, and that you all grow to be better people. May you find happiness in whatever you do and seek out love when you feel comfortable.

I'll start off with a bit of background of myself.

I have been battling clinical depression on and off for around 12 years now. Originally, I was diagnosed with autism (more like Asperger's Syndrome, but that was the legalese) and anxiety disorder not otherwise specified. I worked around that childhood diagnosis after many years of counselling, behavioural therapy and medication. I put that behind me, but the depression stayed. Sure, I only have a bad episode of depressive mantras that last for an hour or so once every few months now (compared to ones every other day lasting hours), but I struggle with intense emotional issues that come up in day to day life, albeit I am able to hold myself together for the most part.

My first intimate relationship was when I was 20. I never really got around to dating during high school, even though I had obvious crushes, so in hindsight, I was desperate to find a relationship, and it didn't help that I held it off for so long. The girl I met was an international student from China, who was taking business courses in the same university I was in. We met at a Korean fast food place on campus. I was eating by myself initially. She came by me, saying she was amazed I knew how to use chopsticks properly (I'm of Caucasian descent). From there, we talked for a while, getting to know each other, and having a good time. After about an hour or two, she said she was lonely because she didn't have friends around. I felt that I should do something, so I gave her a hug. She afterwards interjected, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" I was taken aback by her comment, and I needed time to think on that. I settled with exchanging numbers, and called her later to say yes.

Little did I know what I was getting myself into.

We met up on campus continually, along with meeting up with her friends (and her with mine). We both enjoyed talking small talk, about how our lives were going, our interests, our families. Eventually that led to me being invited to her apartment that she was renting. That being said, we only had one thing on our minds (or at least I think we did). I stopped myself short of starting into foreplay as I didn't want to be so forward, as I realized I was pushing things too fast for my liking. The next time over there, not so much.

It was my first time. It was not her first time, so I had a bit of guidance, to say the least. I did watch porn, so it wasn't like I was completely oblivious. It was amazing (and yes, I used protection). Safe to say, we liked each other. But as I found out over time, we didn't have much else.

After being with her for a few weeks, things started to change. I had a hard time trying to express my feelings toward her in a non-physical manner. It didn't help with the language barrier. I also found out she recently broke up with her ex because she moved over to Canada, and not because the relationship didn't turn out. Her mannerisms were also very rude to other ethnicities. Her outlook on the world was very straight to the point: I'm going to make a business here because that is what my parents did, and my grandparents before that. I was finding she was a very cold person. At one point, she told me that she didn't feel my love, and I told her sweet nothings in return, and I barely kept the relationship going. I hated the fact that I couldn't portray my emotions properly. I had feelings for her, I just couldn't emote them in a way she wanted.

The last day I met with her was on her birthday. We went out for dinner at an Indian restaurant. She was asking questions to the crew inside along the lines of "Is it against your religion to eat with the left hand?" I was growing increasingly annoyed by her attitude. Afterwards, after I stopped in the aparment parking lot, she asked me why I didn't love her. Damnit, I loved her. She then tried to start kissing me. I had it. I left my car while she waited there. A minute later, she opened the door and left to her apartment. I got a phone call later that night from her, checking to see if I wasn't going to do something stupid. She told me she would've broke up with me earlier, but I was too emotionally fragile and was afraid.

Never in my entire life had I ever felt so insulted. She didn't have the spine to break up with me. I was bitter, to say the least. I was still naive though, so I asked if she still wanted to stay as friends I have to admit, that was idiotic on my part. The obvious answer came back, and I haven't seen her since.

About 9 months later, I got a call in the middle of the night. Of a crying baby. Oh god. I later found out, after getting no response back, it was a prank to freak me out. Anger doesn't describe the half of what I felt.

I have dated people after that point, but most have seen that I can't handle myself too well. I hope to improve more, but I know I will always have struggles. And I kick myself for mistakes too much. Even the small ones. After all is said and done, I don't regret what I did. I needed to learn the hard way.

Well, we all get fucked one way or another.

Its important to know that what comes easily also go away easily. Easy women arent to be treasured, because if they do stuff with you easily and without barely knowing you they will probabily do it with someone else.

Its also important to believe in intuition: if you feel there is something wrong, you are probabily right. That is important.

Hindsight is 20/20. I know that it was a bad situation. I was too naive to think otherwise at the time. Too involved with experiences that I never had before. I know never to put myself in that situation again. I've been burned multiple times from not being able to read people's faces or mannerisms properly, and vice versa. I can't say I didn't deserve it. I have questioned if I will ever have a working relationship that lasts with anyone due to my disposition. That is something that I will have to test in the future, with someone that doesn't take advantage of me. I have to be happy with myself regardless of whether I have a relationship or not, or if I don;t have the greatest job, or if I don't have the greatest life. I have to live with it, just like everyone else.

Edit: Just read your experience YZQ. I'm glad things are looking up for you.

[pandaphil]

It sucks, but sometimes we can only learn through experience.

*Brohugs* Velitation.

[Velitation]

It sucks, but sometimes we can only learn through experience.

*Brohugs* Velitation.

Ah shucks. Thanks.

[Auratus]

...will eventually become scar and will barely leaves its mark as times goes on...

Isn't a defining point of scars that they're sort of...Very long-lasting, if not permanent?

Yes. But, even you have it at a half of your body. You better shouldn't stick at it too long. Rather move on your life and make sure the other half doesn't get it.

@Warwise But you better not rely on that. Nobody and Nothing immaculately perfect.

@Velitation Eventually you will get better than you were. Eventually you will have smooth relationship and learn from your past. I believe everyone will have someone sooner or later. No matter what everyone said So don't lose hope.

[pandaphil]

Has anyone here had any experience with Seasonal Affective Disorder? I'm thinking that's what might be effecting my mood lately.

Since the weekend the weather heres been rainy, windy and generally lousy, so I've been staying in my room. Now in the past few days I've been feeling really lousy about my life. Upset over the lack of any sort of relationship, and feeling lonely and miserable, like my life has been a waste. I haven't been able to work on my art projects or accomplish much of anyting besides sit here in front of the computer browsing the forum, writing KS fic and doing sketches, generally obsessing over the game and randomly crying for no reason. I've always had occasional bouts of depression and loneliness, but I don't remember it ever hitting me this heard before.

I hate to think KS has been the cause of all this. I do love it, and would hate to have to give it up.

Gonna try to break out the bike and get to the store tomorrow and see if that helps.

[YZQ]

Well, dropping into the forums is a minor part of my routine. There's work, maybe Heart of the Swarm if I'm in the mood to torture myself over achievements. And WoW.

Also, it would seem that I may not get a second dinner date with that lady friend of mine. Oh well.

[Xanatos]

Has anyone here had any experience with Seasonal Affective Disorder? I'm thinking that's what might be effecting my mood lately.

Since the weekend the weather heres been rainy, windy and generally lousy, so I've been staying in my room. Now in the past few days I've been feeling really lousy about my life. Upset over the lack of any sort of relationship, and feeling lonely and miserable, like my life has been a waste. I haven't been able to work on my art projects or accomplish much of anyting besides sit here in front of the computer browsing the forum, writing KS fic and doing sketches, generally obsessing over the game and randomly crying for no reason. I've always had occasional bouts of depression and loneliness, but I don't remember it ever hitting me this heard before.

I hate to think KS has been the cause of all this. I do love it, and would hate to have to give it up.

Gonna try to break out the bike and get to the store tomorrow and see if that helps.

Wait, feeling shitty in shitty weather is a disorder now? I call bullshit.

I doubt giving up KS would change much. You'd still have no relationship and all that. See if you can't change some of that, bit by bit.