Former Sisterhood thread

[pandaphil]

I gotta say, as soon as I saw this artwork I thought of the hotel scene. Ah, if only Sisterhood was a manga.

[Negativedarke]

Damn that fits well. All we need is the scars.

I've got mixed feelings about the lack of KS doujins. On one hand I love any art of the charecters. On the other 99% would probably end up being NTR crap.

[Guest Poster]

Holy crap. I never saw that image before, but that's exactly the kind of image I had in mind when I wrote the first part of the hotel-chapter. If Sisterhood was a manga, the hotel scene would have that kind of atmosphere.

[pandaphil]

Holy crap. I never saw that image before, but that's exactly the kind of image I had in mind when I wrote the first part of the hotel-chapter. If Sisterhood was a manga, the hotel scene would have that kind of atmosphere.

I know just what you mean. It fits almost exactly the mental image I had of that scene. Down to the camera angles.

[Markus Ramikin]

Noticed a minor thing in chapter 16:

I think if you’re really honest we can agree that neither of us was in a position to help the other and that excepting otherwise would be very unreasonable.”

I think you meant expecting.

[Harrison]

I don't have words for how good that was. I really like how it's not just about Hanako and Hisao having sex like rabbits, and it also shows the perspective of many characters. Terrific Job.

[pandaphil]

Having them go sex happy would have really seemed out of character, so I'm glad things took the turn that they did.

I think the only thing that let me down was meeting Lilly at the airport. I was really hoping for an emotional surprise. Finding out Lilly already knew was a big disappointment.

[ProfAllister]

Wow. 15 pages and no one voicing my major thoughts...

I finally got around to reading this, since everyone seems to put it on their "must-read" lists for KS fanfiction. Now, bear in mind that Lilly's my least favorite out of the girls, and I have issues with Hanako's route. Could just be that I'm not a big fan of Suriko's writing style, but whatever. It is what it is.

Overall, I'd say it was pretty good. I won't be gushing with praise and pushing everyone to read it, but it certainly deserves a spot as one of the better fanfics.

Anyway, on to my general thoughts (and issues):

While the plot, characterisations, and so forth all worked well, I didn't like the dialogue. Too often, it felt stilted and unnatural - certainly not like the dialogue between 18-year-olds. You said that English isn't your native language, so that might be the issue. Or I could be alone, considering it hadn't been mentioned yet.

You often refer to Lilly and Hanako's evening hangouts as "tea ceremonies." I'd normally let something like that slide, but in Japan, the "tea ceremony" is a very precise and elaborate ritual. "Tea parties" seems much more appropriate. I could perhaps see the therapist going through an actual tea ceremony, but something tells me that the real McCoy would be less than relaxing for someone like Hanako.

The H scenes were generally well-written - much closer to erotica than porn. That being said, I couldn't really take the "full-body massage" part seriously. Now, I realise that different people have different sexual preferences, and some people could be into that kind of thing, but, based on my understanding of the logistics of lovemaking, I find it anything but sexy. The controlled massage is one thing, but turning your partner into a slip'n'slide? Not really my thing.

And seconded on the *actions* and (thoughts). Distracting and pulls you out of the story.

Also, it's a little thing, but Hanako's stammer felt... off. Reading it, I kept thinking she was trying to speak through sobbing. Just the timing and such about it. One of those je ne sais quoi sort of things.

So overall, nice and well written, but forgive me for not considering it a "must read." "Nice to read - if you have the time," perhaps, but not "must-read." On the other hand, I've already stated my biases, so take that as you will.

[Guest Poster]

While the plot, characterisations, and so forth all worked well, I didn't like the dialogue. Too often, it felt stilted and unnatural - certainly not like the dialogue between 18-year-olds. You said that English isn't your native language, so that might be the issue. Or I could be alone, considering it hadn't been mentioned yet.

Well, if there are specific examples, feel free to bring them up.

You often refer to Lilly and Hanako's evening hangouts as "tea ceremonies." I'd normally let something like that slide, but in Japan, the "tea ceremony" is a very precise and elaborate ritual. "Tea parties" seems much more appropriate. I could perhaps see the therapist going through an actual tea ceremony, but something tells me that the real McCoy would be less than relaxing for someone like Hanako.

I guess so. Tea parties has had an odd ring for me too, though that might be because the word's been used in news articles so often the last couple of years.

The H scenes were generally well-written - much closer to erotica than porn. That being said, I couldn't really take the "full-body massage" part seriously. Now, I realise that different people have different sexual preferences, and some people could be into that kind of thing, but, based on my understanding of the logistics of lovemaking, I find it anything but sexy. The controlled massage is one thing, but turning your partner into a slip'n'slide? Not really my thing.

I'm not sure if a nuru massage would be my thing either, but I figured that it might have been something Hanako'd enjoy at that moment in the story since:
- it's rather intimate.
- it involves a lot of skin contact, even for someone who's suffering from partial body numbness.
- it avoids the issue of Hanako's body moving oddly due to part of it being stiffer and rougher than the other.
- it doesn't involve penetration which Hanako was still squeamish about at that point. (since it hurt her the first time)

Anyway, it's a shame you didn't enjoy the story more, but thanks for the comments.

[neio]

I couldn't really take the "full-body massage" part seriously... based on my understanding of the logistics of lovemaking, I find it anything but sexy. The controlled massage is one thing, but turning your partner into a slip'n'slide? Not really my thing.

The "logistics?" What's wrong with the logistics?
The point of bodysliding is not penetration. It's just another intimate act, like cuddling, that happens to be erotic.

[ProfAllister]

Well, if there are specific examples, feel free to bring them up.

I was always bad about providing specific examples.

I'd say the biggest things are that Hisao seems so formal, and every once in a while I'd stumble over a particularly odd turn of phrase. I know that's not very helpful, but I'm not really in the most coherent mindset right now...

I'm not sure if a nuru massage would be my thing either, but I figured that it might have been something Hanako'd enjoy at that moment in the story since:
- it's rather intimate.
- it involves a lot of skin contact, even for someone who's suffering from partial body numbness.
- it avoids the issue of Hanako's body moving oddly due to part of it being stiffer and rougher than the other.
- it doesn't involve penetration which Hanako was still squeamish about at that point. (since it hurt her the first time)

Fair enough. I'm not denying that some people would be in to it. It's just that, in my experience, there's such thing as too much lubrication, and I'd say that Hisao and Hanako crossed that line (and slid a little further beyond, to boot ). If you're into that thing, more power to you, and if you think it's good for the narration, then by all means go forward. I'd just say it ends up in "weird kinks" territory. To elaborate a little, it would be like a scene where the couple is making out, then they start slathering each other with pancake batter. If it's in character and serves the narrative, all the better. I'm sure many people find that sexy. Regardless, you're going to have a few people weirded out by it, no matter how well-written. Just something to keep in mind, I guess.

Anyway, it's a shame you didn't enjoy the story more, but thanks for the comments.

Don't get me wrong, it was very well-written, and one of the better fanfics I've read. It's really good, but I have a very high bar before I consider something "great."

[pandaphil]

To be fair, if you've ever listened to a Let's Plays, you'll realize that a lot of the dialogue in the original VA is a bit stilted too. That's just the nature of the written format.

As for the massage, I thought it was a bit of genius on Hisao's part. If he'd turned it into a big, romantic production it might have actually made Hanako feel anxious. By using the slippery massage liquid, he appealed to her curiosity, and turned what could have been another awkward sexual encounter into a fun and playful game. Which I think is the best way to interact with someone who's as timid as she is.

[Thuruk]

This is the first and only KS fanfiction I read so far, but I'd say it's safe to say great job, Guest Poster.

About the dialogue, it didn't really feel stilted, but I'm no native speaker... The massage was not what I'd ever have considered doing, but a good scene.

- it avoids the issue of Hanako's body moving oddly due to part of it being stiffer and rougher than the other.

Is that really the case with old burn scars? I guess you researched that?

[Guest Poster]

Thanks.

In KS itself, Hisao describes Hanako's scar tissue as feeling rough and slightly leathery and mentions during their first time that the scarred part of Hanako's body moves slightly different from the other part. Scar tissue is dryer and less supple than ordinary skin and doesn't stretch as well either.

[pandaphil]

It makes me wonder if there's some sort of exercise or therapy that could help her stretch and make her damaged skin more flexible.