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I'd like to order two redheaded librarians to help with our library please

I never thought I would ever see the word "schlong" used in a serious context. And by that, I mean that this is probably exactly the kind of story that would use the word "schlong" in a serious context. I take that back. This is in a long line of stories that use the word "schlong" in a serious context.

schlong

Comrade wrote:I'd like to order two redheaded librarians to help with our library please

I'd like two redheaded librarians to help me out with my love for redheaded librarians...

Mahorfeus wrote:I never thought I would ever see the word "schlong" used in a serious context. And by that, I mean that this is probably exactly the kind of story that would use the word "schlong" in a serious context. I take that back. This is in a long line of stories that use the word "schlong" in a serious context.

schlong

One can only use so many synonyms for "penis" before they resort to folly. Just be glad I didn't refer to Hisao's manhood as "the one eyed wonder weasel"...

He held a torch in his hand

A torch? Really? I thought technology would have outgrown that by now

He realized that there was enough natural light in the room, so he put his torch away.

That's probably for the better - a lot of stuff in there is flammable

I originally intended it to be a complete joke fic, but decided to take a more serious approach with it in the end. I did, however, leave a few remnants of its previous form in there, just for kicks n' giggles.

I'm not sure that was the best idea... The way it is, it's not whacky enough to be considered a parody. It's just par for the course for a bad smut fic...
The H-scene itself isn't even the biggest problem - it's the characterization of Yuuko. Hisao seems to have known her for one year, and she never seemed to have behaved other than in the VN. For this scene to have been believable it would have needed several more scenes as a setup - obviously that was not possible in the time available for this project, so it's not really your fault...

Mirage_GSM wrote:

He held a torch in his hand

A torch? Really? I thought technology would have outgrown that by now

It's actually a term for "flashlight" used in some regions, i.e. Australia, though, I'm not Australian. I just thought it fit, for some reason, and just left it there...

Mirage_GSM wrote:

I originally intended it to be a complete joke fic, but decided to take a more serious approach with it in the end. I did, however, leave a few remnants of its previous form in there, just for kicks n' giggles.

I'm not sure that was the best idea... The way it is, it's not whacky enough to be considered a parody. It's just par for the course for a bad smut fic...
The H-scene itself isn't even the biggest problem - it's the characterization of Yuuko. Hisao seems to have known her for one year, and she never seemed to have behaved other than in the VN. For this scene to have been believable it would have needed several more scenes as a setup - obviously that was not possible in the time available for this project, so it's not really your fault...

Eh. I wasn't really trying to capture their characters. I was just writing a fic where 2 characters that don't fuck in the canon story, fuck. I guess the overall story would have been stronger if it was more true to the personalities, but I wasn't really going for that from the beginning.

As I've said earlier, this is my first attempt at writing smut, and while your criticism is valuable, and true, I think I got the actual smut part of the story fairly well, if you ask me.

KeiichiO wrote:As I've said earlier, this is my first attempt at writing smut, and while your criticism is valuable, and true, I think I got the actual smut part of the story fairly well, if you ask me.

Well, yeah, I think we might all be able to agree that what's presented in this story does, indeed, qualify as smut. Congratulations ?

dewelar wrote:

KeiichiO wrote:As I've said earlier, this is my first attempt at writing smut, and while your criticism is valuable, and true, I think I got the actual smut part of the story fairly well, if you ask me.

Well, yeah, I think we might all be able to agree that what's presented in this story does, indeed, qualify as smut. Congratulations ?

Is this supposed to be insightful? Because I don't think anything helpful is added by this post.

What I was saying was, while I don't believe this is, by any means, an outstanding erotic story, I think I described the act of foreplay and intercourse pretty decently. Yeah, I used a few funny terms and phrases to enact certain situations, but I made it clear that they had a close, intimate experience.

If you disagree, feel free to say so, and explain why, in the stead of inert comments like this.

I noitcedthat the story had both american and british words and exoressions in it. It's rare to read about torches and shlongs in the same story.
I really should The cook to add a sexy redhead assistant AI.

KeiichiO wrote:

dewelar wrote:

KeiichiO wrote:As I've said earlier, this is my first attempt at writing smut, and while your criticism is valuable, and true, I think I got the actual smut part of the story fairly well, if you ask me.

Well, yeah, I think we might all be able to agree that what's presented in this story does, indeed, qualify as smut. Congratulations ?

Is this supposed to be insightful? Because I don't think anything helpful is added by this post.

No, it wasn't supposed to be insightful, it was me expressing confusion. You cleared it up, so it's all good. I'll refrain from commenting further.

Comrade wrote:I noitcedthat the story had both american and british words and exoressions in it. It's rare to read about torches and shlongs in the same story.

One of my hobbies is to actively expand upon my vocabulary. If I hear or see a word I don't know the meaning of, I'll learn it, and start using it contextually. I also sometimes borrow words from other cultures and dialects that I find alluring. That said, I don't pretend to be of that culture. I just like to have different ways of expressing my thoughts.

EDIT: I just remembered you were talking about my fic, and it seems as if I'm taking it WAY too seriously...

dewelar wrote:No, it wasn't supposed to be insightful, it was me expressing confusion. You cleared it up, so it's all good. I'll refrain from commenting further.

Okie dokie then. I'm glad the confusion was dispelled, though, please. Don't feel that you need to cease commenting. I like discussion ^-^

I was just writing a fic where 2 characters that don't fuck in the canon story, fuck.

Well, what you did write was a fic about two characters who fuck that happen to be named Hisao and Yuuko.
Hisao's heart is mentioned a few times at the beginning, but nothing more than could be expected from a healthy individual. After that they're going at it like porn stars despite the fact that this is supposed to be Hisao's first time.

The comment about torches was meant to be a joke. I'm aware that some people (not sure who) use the term that way, but I always have those ridiculous pictures in my head when they do

Mirage_GSM wrote:

I was just writing a fic where 2 characters that don't fuck in the canon story, fuck.

Well, what you did write was a fic about two characters who fuck that happen to be named Hisao and Yuuko.
Hisao's heart is mentioned a few times at the beginning, but nothing more than could be expected from a healthy individual. After that they're going at it like porn stars despite the fact that this is supposed to be Hisao's first time.

The comment about torches was meant to be a joke. I'm aware that some people (not sure who) use the term that way, but I always have those ridiculous pictures in my head when they do

And here I was, knowing that it was a somewhat over-the-top H-scene, thinking, "Man, torch is really weird slang for penis. Why does he have it out in the hallway? And is it shining light? Is Hisao like Rudolph or someth- oh, right."

So I guess that set my mood for the whole piece, which basically made me laugh heartily. I'm actually a fan of the fact that it didn't go too over-the-top, as I find the best satire closely straddles the line that is Poe's Law. If the satire becomes too obvious, the joke is soured somewhat... much better if it's a little more grounded.

I think my only disappointment is that you didn't manage to slip the word 'turgid' in anywhere.

Mirage, "Torch" is the British word for "flashlight".

KeiichiO wrote:One of my hobbies is to actively expand upon my vocabulary. If I hear or see a word I don't know the meaning of, I'll learn it, and start using it contextually. I also sometimes borrow words from other cultures and dialects that I find alluring. That said, I don't pretend to be of that culture. I just like to have different ways of expressing my thoughts.

I've been using the policy that the POV character (which changes constantly in my work) is the one "translating" the scene to English for the reader. That means the dialect used will be the one that character would use. For example, the Commonwealth-linked characters refer to their motor fuel as "petrol" while the Filipino and the half-American call it "gasoline". Spellings change from character to character as well. Also, Hisao's "internal translation" changes over time as he goes from a state where practically all of his English is influenced by communication with Americans and from American media, to one where he's constantly accompanied by Aussies. Both Miyagi and Iwanako call him out on it.

So, using the vernacular of a particular region is not an unreasonable thing to do, but mixing and matching on the fly can be bewildering. Be consistent, even if that means being deliberately inconsistent as I try to. Spell checkers also hate what I'm doing. They naturally assume either "color, honor, defense" are correct, or "colour, honour, defence" are, and that this will hold for an entire document.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Hisao's heart is mentioned a few times at the beginning, but nothing more than could be expected from a healthy individual. After that they're going at it like porn stars despite the fact that this is supposed to be Hisao's first time.

I don't really think people's first times always need to be awkward, and inexperienced, despite a clear lack of experience. Heck, a lot of this was inspired by my own experiences

forgetmenot wrote:And here I was, knowing that it was a somewhat over-the-top H-scene, thinking, "Man, torch is really weird slang for penis. Why does he have it out in the hallway? And is it shining light? Is Hisao like Rudolph or someth- oh, right."

That is definitely not what I meant, but I'm glad that you got a laugh out of it anyway

I'm actually a fan of the fact that it didn't go too over-the-top, as I find the best satire closely straddles the line that is Poe's Law. If the satire becomes too obvious, the joke is soured somewhat... much better if it's a little more grounded.

I actually very much believe this. "Romeo & Juliet" is considered to be a satire of young love, and how people will do stupid things when blinded by that love, and yet, it carries a mostly serious, believable tone throughout the entirety of the play. Of course, I'm not comparing my silly little writing exercise of a fan fic to the works of Shakespeare. I just couldn't think of a better, more closely comparable example...

The prominent reason it is how it is, however, is that I couldn't quite push myself to write a complete joke fic, but I also couldn't write one that's 100% serious, so I tried to find a happy medium for my story. It probably could have been done better, but meh. First times, amirite?

I think my only disappointment is that you didn't manage to slip the word 'turgid' in anywhere.

I compared Hisao's manhood to a joystick. I think that's a probable excuse for the exclusion of that word.