Re: A Molly route. Update 26/10/13
Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 5:32 pm
Sorry, gotta agree there, the "like pancakes" bit is completely out of tone for the scene, and just kind of jolts you out of the story.
(Where's the Walkthrough?)
https://ks.fhs.sh/
TheGoatman wrote:Something like "As the great hundred tun mountain of steel barreled towards me in an unstoppable rush of destruction, I knew escape was not possible. A strange calm fell over me as I gently laid down on the road, feeling the cool asphalt caressing my cheek as if saying a final goodbye. I looked up towards the clouds and smiled as I felt the beginnings of rain, as the vibration of the steamtroller grew ever closer, my final thought as the massive monstrosity came into view, was "These clouds are beautiful today, if only I had my camera"?
Terrible writing, I know, but I think he was trying to convey something like that, the "Calm before Death" or w.e you call it.
Guestimate wrote:Sorry, gotta agree there, the "like pancakes" bit is completely out of tone for the scene, and just kind of jolts you out of the story.
This is a good way to write a climatic, gruesome, or simply a "die damnit" death, but I'm a sucker for the apathy in the face of death approach. Nice gun you got there bro, man this thing's a niiiice pillow, you should sell these. I also possess an avid hatred for cliche endings (the typical "x char sacrifices themself for feels/etc at the end")Helbereth wrote:An excerpt from something I abandoned a while back, this is how I handled a character's death scene from the first person perspective:
Coughing and gasping as blood filled my lungs, my oxygen deprived mind tried to delay the inevitable, sending me twitching involuntarily as I listened to the heavyset approach of my murderer. Despite my persistent defiance, youthful optimism, and all the passionate speeches I'd offered, in that final moment, despair is all that filled my heart. Faces flashed before my eyes—Hisao, Emi, Rin and even Kenji—and I felt tears streak across my cheeks, tears for the ones I'd failed. It was over, I had lost, and anyone who mistakenly counted on my victory was doomed to face a similarly torturous death.
As the creature's final step set a giant, claw-laden foot down on top of my neck, I sputtered and tried to move in vain, but all my strength was gone. It waited there sadistically, probably grinning as I watched a pool of my blood soaking into the floor. Numbness started ascending from my legs, and my eyes rolled back as life started abandoning my ruined body, but still it waited. Finally blackness started to fill my vision, and my lungs flexed one last time. My lips tried to form a word as the breath escaped, but all I could make was one last gurgling noise, and then the pain was simply gone.
I felt no comfort in the touch of oblivion.
Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.Feurox wrote:
The canteen bursts with activity, with people queuing for their lunch and others occupying the tables.
AntonSlavik020 wrote:Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.Feurox wrote:
The canteen bursts with activity, with people queuing for their lunch and others occupying the tables.
That said, solid chapter. Nice to this this continued at any rate, Molly doesn't get enough love.
This. Despite being a Brit myself, I've started using Americanisms like 'mom' instead of 'mum', "store" instead of 'shop', things like that. Of course, I still use British spelling for words like 'colour' and 'armour', those things will never change. I would consider doing this if you plan to post content online, as the majority of the English speaking internet populous use American-English (at least in my experience)bhtooefr wrote:Working on a list of edits. Consider avoiding British-isms like that, especially if they aren't used in the VN itself. (Hanako's route, and IIRC Lilly's as well, had some Australian phrasing creep in, but generally they stuck to words that meant the same thing in all dialects of English.)
Who is "he"?The nub on the end of his arm flailing through the air
It's been sometime since I've seen that word used by someone other than Shakespeare.He laughs lightly whilst he speaks
Yeah, that's what Jagged Alliance conditioned me to think of as well^^° I've seen it used often enough to know the other meaning as well, but in the VN they use "cafeteria." In this case I think cafeteria is the safer choice since this will be understood by both Americans and Brits, while canteen will confuse most Americans.Until this line I had no idea that a canteen was anything other than something to drink out of. Temporarily confused me.
In personal opinion, it doesn't matter. :/ Though, maybe I should have specified? :/Who is "he"?
Is this bad or good? Ahah, I'm not going to say he hasn't influenced me XD But is this really Shakespearean?It's been sometime since I've seen that word used by someone other than Shakespeare.
Darn, well, I suppose its American-English for me from now on XD Thank youIn this case I think cafeteria is the safer choice since this will be understood by both Americans and Brits, while canteen will confuse most Americans.
I'm terrible, seriously XD Please forgive me. (Will avoid)Your sun is still braking.
Well, "his" is a pronoun. That usually means that there usually is a noun it is substituted for. Ideally that nound should have been mentioned at least once before^^°In personal opinion, it doesn't matter. :/ Though, maybe I should have specified? :/
It is certainly a word Shakespeare used quite a bit. It is also a word modern English uses... not so much.Is this bad or good? Ahah, I'm not going to say he hasn't influenced me XD But is this really Shakespearean?