Re: I can't play this "game" anymore.
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:41 pm
Maybe not the place for an intro post but whatever. Also, yay for me turning 27 today. ^_^
All I can say, is that this game has hit me like as though I was some small animal getting run over by a semi truck or something.
The order I did my playthrough as (By the way I beat the game 100% as of yesterday around 1pm.) as follows: Hanako, Lilly, Emi, Shizune & Rin.
I don't really know why I did that order. Maybe I did Hanako's ending first due to the aspects of er shyness and whatnot around other people. But, maybe I should give some background info about myself before I continue. Kinda like a life story type thingy and you can see maybe why I am having all these "odd" feelings.
For one, you can say that I am lucky to even be alive, as my biological parents were rather reckless and whatnot while I was..... being developed? But anyways, I was born almost 2 months prematurely and nearly died. I would have had a twin sibling (Gender unknown) but it died at birth. I myself was apparently placed in one of those incubator things. I pulled through. At age 2, I was removed from my biological parents home due to what apparently was a spiral fracture of my right arm. Age 2-6, I was in a foster home, where I remember getting my hair pulled for some time. As well as a form of a fragment memory it could be called, where I was inside a crib and found these curtain hook and managed to drill a hole in the wall with it so it also caused a circle around it due to the hooks design inbetween the gaps of the crib I was in.
At the age of 6, I was adopted by my parents. I call them that as they are the ones who have raised me into who I am today. Blood has nothing to do with it at all, nor should it. I got to even change my name as well, which I did.
All my school life was pretty much pure torture due to the fact I was "Different", yet the doctors and psychiatrists all weren't too sure what was "wrong with me". Always being the one being bullied, I would more times then not end up returning home crying due to all that I endured and the fact it felt as if I had no friends.
Jr High was an extremely stressful time. It seemed that my Motor Tics (Due to having Tourettes Syndrome) would make others make fun of me, perhaps due to seeing something so "weird" that they had no idea how to respond to. My Tourettes were really bad. Was it due to the stress of the teasing, something else, I don't think I'll ever know. Sometimes it would look as though I were trying to twist my head off with one arm, or the sudden jerking of my neck forward was how it manifested. At least now, they seem to manifest in a way that is almost like muscle spasms in my neck that needs to be stretched out.
I was later Diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which is supposed to be a form of High Performing Autism or something. I don't pay too much attention to such "Labels". Yes, some of the way I think and knowledge intake depending on the subject were very high, other times, learning other things could be slow at times, and social skills were one thing that was low for me. Granted, sometimes I think it also due to the fact of the whole teasing and whatnot.
In high school, I would do all sorts of stupid things to be "cool" in the eyes of those who would tease me. Many times, usually involving looking up porn on school computers. ^_^; For me it was like, doing whatever was nessisary so as to not feel the pain of their insults, even for the briefest of moments.
Anywho, moving a few years down the line to almost the present, minus 3 months or so roughly, maybe a bit more. But about 2 years ago, when working, I would notice odd things involving my neck to happen. A lot of times I would tell my mom about em and she would blow it off like it was nothing. Eventually, I found a job place or more specifically, a "Training Center" as it is labeled, which caters to people with disabilities. It is like being in a big werehouse where one assembles things like supermarket cardboard displays, or other things that can be done easily as it is repetitive work. But I didn't really notice the issues of my neck, or rather they didn't become alarmingly pronounced until a few months ago. There would be days where my legs felt like they suddenly turned to jello as if they could barely support my weight. I had started this job as in being promoted to working in a business outside the training center which meant more $$$ & responsibility. I also started it soon after I moved into my 1st apartment (which by the way is the perfect place for me due to everything around, but you can PM me if you want to hear about it or something).
The aspects of my neck seemed to progress faster & faster until one morning, I woke up and my body felt like lead. My mom, despite all my complaints simply told me that "You can't be complaining about this kind of stuff, you just got this job, what would they think?" It really kinda pissed me off. She didn't know what I was going through, nor how much I already endured without telling her due to knowing that telling her was pretty much useless. But that morning, I barely even managed to take a shower/bath and after that, it was like I had to practically crawl out of the tub and pretty much over to my bed due to my body feeling so heavy. It pissed me off thinking or wondering how weak I must have been. Moreso when after calling the place from work, them telling me that maybe it best I not go to work and focus on getting better.
The one thing that made me feel awesome and feel like I was doing something worthwhile, taken away like that. We saw a bunch of doctors, had a bunch of tests, one which was kinda O_o with aspects of sticking needles that go to your nerves and they give you a shock. The smell of burnt flesh. >_< Not a good smell.
Basically, I eventually saw a Neurosurgeon and he told me that apparently I had some sort of Congenital (Something from birth), where the gap that exists between the spinal cord and the vertebrae (bone) was shrinking and that it had gotten to the point of there being almost no freedom. Somewhere around October 28th-maybe november 3rd (I can't remember) I went in for neck surgery. I went through it well. My dad said he was shocked and proud/amazed at how I was dealing with it what with it being my first surgery ever and how he thought it would have been harder on me.
The thing to realize, with my mindset now, is that I pretty much after my school life, realized it was pointless to dwell in the past or allow negative stuff to phaz me as it served no constuctive purpose. Maybe for some, some aspect of negativity can be a push into something positive, but I wouldn't know.
Anywho, I do remember that around the 2nd night, when they were taking me off of the Morphine, that apparently I was supposed to ask for pain meds or something, instead of the nurse popping in and asking me how I was. That night, I asked my mom (Who stayed the whole time in the hospital with me) to help me to the bathroom (as those pain things seem to cause constipation & they want you to "go" before you leave.
Let's just say the instant I tried and somehow sat down, the pain I felt out of a one to 10 scale shot up to like, freaking 20. At that instant I started crying due to the crazy pain I felt. The thing is, is that I am about if not 6 feet tall. Toilets are a lot easier to sit on the shorter you are. Shorter legs = less bending and stuff. The doctors had worked on four levels of vertebrae in my neck by the way. A Laminoplasty I think it was called, for all four, so as to preserve range of movement. But anywho, after all that, they would have me walk which they were blown away with how easy and soon I was able to do it all. The month of november, minus maybe, 3 days, I was at my parents place. Recovery was hard, but eventually, day by day, things got better to where I was allowed to go back to my apartment.
I saw the Neurologist yesterday (Friday Jan 6) and he said I will be able to go back to work beginning of February. I do have one hell of a scar on the back of my neck. It goes from the base of my skull to near that bump of the area near the shoulderblades & neck. My dad (who has had lots of surgeries, back and even a neck one where they did fusion) jokingly said "You call tell the ladies you got it in the Battle of Temple City." It made me laugh.
But, that is enough of my story. Back to the subject of the game. Maybe you can see why this game had such a massive impact on me. It made me wonder, what if instead of the school life I was in, if there was a place like Yamaku High School. Maybe things could have been different and heck, maybe I could have had more friends and etc.
I played Rin's path last. Don't really know why. Something about her personality just seemed like really compatible to mine or something. Hell, I think I even had some form of dream last night (Which for me, dreams are like doing a Lotto scratcher and winning and small bit of $$$). All I know is at some point it revolved around Rin. Of course, then my half asleep brain got to thinking, what if somehow, like, the characters of the game were real and most of them lived in my apartment complex. Pretty much instead of individual rooms, it was like, the "teams" that they live in. Maybe team is the wrong word. But maybe pairs is better. Talk about a silly idea.
All I know is that through playing this and even after, my chest does feel rather odd. My dad even mentioned the bottom number of the blood pressure test I had was high yesterday Something roughly like 140/92 or something close like that.
But yes, I can see maybe why others may feel like holding off for a while. This game, whether or not you have what society would label as a "Disability" even if it may not be all that disabling to you, it can make you feel things. Maybe due to my life and all the stuff I had to endure it hit me harder then it might for most people. I don't remember how many times I cried though the various character arcs.
For me, despite all the crap I have endured in my life, I am the type that is the one that would help a person, even if afterwards they stabbed me in the back. It's like, I don't want anyone to have to suffer the way I did and playing this game on some of the paths really made me feel as though I were the one failing to help them out. All I will say, is that with Rin's path, it was so confuzing. I wasn't even sure if I was on the path of "Doing good" or "failing miserably". I don't really know how to put the feeling into words. It's almost as though the universes of what people in this realm label as "fiction" or "fantasy" are more real to me then the reality in front of my face, if that makes any sense at all. Then again, I tend to think that all these are simply universes that we may be be onnected to on a physical level, however some of the people who help "create" the realm, may have something like a mental/psychic/whatever connection to these other realms or plains of reality or something. That is why I think that many times, things of fiction & fantasy can affect us more then what is around us due to that.... detached feeling or sense? Not sure if I am wording things properly. It can indeed be hard to find the words to something that may not have words. I sometimes wonder if that is why I felt kinda close to Rin in some ways. As if maybe our thinking processes are different and so unique from the world around us.
It is odd though, now that I have typed this all out and "gotten it off my chest" I feel a lot better now. I do admit, part of me still wonders if I will be able to do the work I was doing. Part of me worries whether those same things will flare up or not despite the surgery. But, maybe I am shooting myself down before getting a change to get into the air. ^_^;
Anywho, if you managed to read all of this what is maybe a longwinded reply, then you have my thanks. I am also always open to talking to others if they have questions, be it about the things I endured or my "Disabilities" and etc. So if you wish to contact me, please do not hesitate.
Thanks for listening/reading.
All I can say, is that this game has hit me like as though I was some small animal getting run over by a semi truck or something.
The order I did my playthrough as (By the way I beat the game 100% as of yesterday around 1pm.) as follows: Hanako, Lilly, Emi, Shizune & Rin.
I don't really know why I did that order. Maybe I did Hanako's ending first due to the aspects of er shyness and whatnot around other people. But, maybe I should give some background info about myself before I continue. Kinda like a life story type thingy and you can see maybe why I am having all these "odd" feelings.
For one, you can say that I am lucky to even be alive, as my biological parents were rather reckless and whatnot while I was..... being developed? But anyways, I was born almost 2 months prematurely and nearly died. I would have had a twin sibling (Gender unknown) but it died at birth. I myself was apparently placed in one of those incubator things. I pulled through. At age 2, I was removed from my biological parents home due to what apparently was a spiral fracture of my right arm. Age 2-6, I was in a foster home, where I remember getting my hair pulled for some time. As well as a form of a fragment memory it could be called, where I was inside a crib and found these curtain hook and managed to drill a hole in the wall with it so it also caused a circle around it due to the hooks design inbetween the gaps of the crib I was in.
At the age of 6, I was adopted by my parents. I call them that as they are the ones who have raised me into who I am today. Blood has nothing to do with it at all, nor should it. I got to even change my name as well, which I did.
All my school life was pretty much pure torture due to the fact I was "Different", yet the doctors and psychiatrists all weren't too sure what was "wrong with me". Always being the one being bullied, I would more times then not end up returning home crying due to all that I endured and the fact it felt as if I had no friends.
Jr High was an extremely stressful time. It seemed that my Motor Tics (Due to having Tourettes Syndrome) would make others make fun of me, perhaps due to seeing something so "weird" that they had no idea how to respond to. My Tourettes were really bad. Was it due to the stress of the teasing, something else, I don't think I'll ever know. Sometimes it would look as though I were trying to twist my head off with one arm, or the sudden jerking of my neck forward was how it manifested. At least now, they seem to manifest in a way that is almost like muscle spasms in my neck that needs to be stretched out.
I was later Diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome which is supposed to be a form of High Performing Autism or something. I don't pay too much attention to such "Labels". Yes, some of the way I think and knowledge intake depending on the subject were very high, other times, learning other things could be slow at times, and social skills were one thing that was low for me. Granted, sometimes I think it also due to the fact of the whole teasing and whatnot.
In high school, I would do all sorts of stupid things to be "cool" in the eyes of those who would tease me. Many times, usually involving looking up porn on school computers. ^_^; For me it was like, doing whatever was nessisary so as to not feel the pain of their insults, even for the briefest of moments.
Anywho, moving a few years down the line to almost the present, minus 3 months or so roughly, maybe a bit more. But about 2 years ago, when working, I would notice odd things involving my neck to happen. A lot of times I would tell my mom about em and she would blow it off like it was nothing. Eventually, I found a job place or more specifically, a "Training Center" as it is labeled, which caters to people with disabilities. It is like being in a big werehouse where one assembles things like supermarket cardboard displays, or other things that can be done easily as it is repetitive work. But I didn't really notice the issues of my neck, or rather they didn't become alarmingly pronounced until a few months ago. There would be days where my legs felt like they suddenly turned to jello as if they could barely support my weight. I had started this job as in being promoted to working in a business outside the training center which meant more $$$ & responsibility. I also started it soon after I moved into my 1st apartment (which by the way is the perfect place for me due to everything around, but you can PM me if you want to hear about it or something).
The aspects of my neck seemed to progress faster & faster until one morning, I woke up and my body felt like lead. My mom, despite all my complaints simply told me that "You can't be complaining about this kind of stuff, you just got this job, what would they think?" It really kinda pissed me off. She didn't know what I was going through, nor how much I already endured without telling her due to knowing that telling her was pretty much useless. But that morning, I barely even managed to take a shower/bath and after that, it was like I had to practically crawl out of the tub and pretty much over to my bed due to my body feeling so heavy. It pissed me off thinking or wondering how weak I must have been. Moreso when after calling the place from work, them telling me that maybe it best I not go to work and focus on getting better.
The one thing that made me feel awesome and feel like I was doing something worthwhile, taken away like that. We saw a bunch of doctors, had a bunch of tests, one which was kinda O_o with aspects of sticking needles that go to your nerves and they give you a shock. The smell of burnt flesh. >_< Not a good smell.
Basically, I eventually saw a Neurosurgeon and he told me that apparently I had some sort of Congenital (Something from birth), where the gap that exists between the spinal cord and the vertebrae (bone) was shrinking and that it had gotten to the point of there being almost no freedom. Somewhere around October 28th-maybe november 3rd (I can't remember) I went in for neck surgery. I went through it well. My dad said he was shocked and proud/amazed at how I was dealing with it what with it being my first surgery ever and how he thought it would have been harder on me.
The thing to realize, with my mindset now, is that I pretty much after my school life, realized it was pointless to dwell in the past or allow negative stuff to phaz me as it served no constuctive purpose. Maybe for some, some aspect of negativity can be a push into something positive, but I wouldn't know.
Anywho, I do remember that around the 2nd night, when they were taking me off of the Morphine, that apparently I was supposed to ask for pain meds or something, instead of the nurse popping in and asking me how I was. That night, I asked my mom (Who stayed the whole time in the hospital with me) to help me to the bathroom (as those pain things seem to cause constipation & they want you to "go" before you leave.
Let's just say the instant I tried and somehow sat down, the pain I felt out of a one to 10 scale shot up to like, freaking 20. At that instant I started crying due to the crazy pain I felt. The thing is, is that I am about if not 6 feet tall. Toilets are a lot easier to sit on the shorter you are. Shorter legs = less bending and stuff. The doctors had worked on four levels of vertebrae in my neck by the way. A Laminoplasty I think it was called, for all four, so as to preserve range of movement. But anywho, after all that, they would have me walk which they were blown away with how easy and soon I was able to do it all. The month of november, minus maybe, 3 days, I was at my parents place. Recovery was hard, but eventually, day by day, things got better to where I was allowed to go back to my apartment.
I saw the Neurologist yesterday (Friday Jan 6) and he said I will be able to go back to work beginning of February. I do have one hell of a scar on the back of my neck. It goes from the base of my skull to near that bump of the area near the shoulderblades & neck. My dad (who has had lots of surgeries, back and even a neck one where they did fusion) jokingly said "You call tell the ladies you got it in the Battle of Temple City." It made me laugh.
But, that is enough of my story. Back to the subject of the game. Maybe you can see why this game had such a massive impact on me. It made me wonder, what if instead of the school life I was in, if there was a place like Yamaku High School. Maybe things could have been different and heck, maybe I could have had more friends and etc.
I played Rin's path last. Don't really know why. Something about her personality just seemed like really compatible to mine or something. Hell, I think I even had some form of dream last night (Which for me, dreams are like doing a Lotto scratcher and winning and small bit of $$$). All I know is at some point it revolved around Rin. Of course, then my half asleep brain got to thinking, what if somehow, like, the characters of the game were real and most of them lived in my apartment complex. Pretty much instead of individual rooms, it was like, the "teams" that they live in. Maybe team is the wrong word. But maybe pairs is better. Talk about a silly idea.
All I know is that through playing this and even after, my chest does feel rather odd. My dad even mentioned the bottom number of the blood pressure test I had was high yesterday Something roughly like 140/92 or something close like that.
But yes, I can see maybe why others may feel like holding off for a while. This game, whether or not you have what society would label as a "Disability" even if it may not be all that disabling to you, it can make you feel things. Maybe due to my life and all the stuff I had to endure it hit me harder then it might for most people. I don't remember how many times I cried though the various character arcs.
For me, despite all the crap I have endured in my life, I am the type that is the one that would help a person, even if afterwards they stabbed me in the back. It's like, I don't want anyone to have to suffer the way I did and playing this game on some of the paths really made me feel as though I were the one failing to help them out. All I will say, is that with Rin's path, it was so confuzing. I wasn't even sure if I was on the path of "Doing good" or "failing miserably". I don't really know how to put the feeling into words. It's almost as though the universes of what people in this realm label as "fiction" or "fantasy" are more real to me then the reality in front of my face, if that makes any sense at all. Then again, I tend to think that all these are simply universes that we may be be onnected to on a physical level, however some of the people who help "create" the realm, may have something like a mental/psychic/whatever connection to these other realms or plains of reality or something. That is why I think that many times, things of fiction & fantasy can affect us more then what is around us due to that.... detached feeling or sense? Not sure if I am wording things properly. It can indeed be hard to find the words to something that may not have words. I sometimes wonder if that is why I felt kinda close to Rin in some ways. As if maybe our thinking processes are different and so unique from the world around us.
It is odd though, now that I have typed this all out and "gotten it off my chest" I feel a lot better now. I do admit, part of me still wonders if I will be able to do the work I was doing. Part of me worries whether those same things will flare up or not despite the surgery. But, maybe I am shooting myself down before getting a change to get into the air. ^_^;
Anywho, if you managed to read all of this what is maybe a longwinded reply, then you have my thanks. I am also always open to talking to others if they have questions, be it about the things I endured or my "Disabilities" and etc. So if you wish to contact me, please do not hesitate.
Thanks for listening/reading.
, even though I liked Lilly...
, sometimes I forgot that I was playing as Hisao, it was as if I were there, face to face with Hanako, expressing my feelings to the girl I love.