Page 3 of 4

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! Updated 10/16

Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2012 8:54 pm
by Hoitash
Dumanios wrote:I found your series through Tvtropes, and I've been having great fun reading it.
YES! I knew that dream would pay off! Thanks for reading and glad you enjoy it :)
“Me, too,” Daichi said.
I doubt there should be a comma after me.
I'm not sure; I think removing the comma would imply faster paced speech, and that is not something that character would do. Thanks for keeping an eye out, though. I'd be SOL without readers who knew grammar and puncuation better then I did (ie, all of them.)

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:09 am
by Hoitash
"He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Previous Chapter

Part Four: Ants Against Men


Hisao stepped out of the bedroom and stopped, sending his disturbingly calm gaze back over his shoulder. Still bolted to the floor, I stood and shook with terror as sweat beaded on my forehead; my spine felt like jelly. Turning fully, he placed a reassuringly firm hand on my shoulder, causing me to look straight at his face. Grim and firm, his eyes had a comforting warmth to them, and he wore a tight, but kind smile.

“Akira," he beckoned, "we need to go.” His voice was calm, soothing, and really annoying.

“How can you be so calm?!” I blurted. My shrill tone was embarrassing, but he didn't seem offended.

Instead, his kind smile became a derisive smirk, and he shrugged. “I’m scared shitless," he admitted, "but it won’t do either of us any good now to panic." He let that bit of advice settle before adding, "if you hesitate, if you question, if you do anything but follow the primeval instinct of fight or die, we are both dead. So, come on,” he grinned a maniacal grin I usually attributed to Kenji, “it’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum.”

“I don’t have any gum,” I mumbled. My head still wasn't quite on straight.

Taking his hand off my shoulder, Hisao gave a little chuckle and nodded. "Good. Now, come on," he beckoned once again, "you wanna live forever?”

This time I followed him out into the living room. My legs felt like lead and the revolver in my hand seemed like a metal brick, but I managed to keep up with his brisk pace.

Once we were in the center of the living room, between the padded blue couch and the big-screen TV, Hisao stopped. Walking up close beside, I whispered, “now what?”

Hisao sighed, “now the stupid part of this starts.”

Before I could ask what that meant, he let out a loud, long howl. Something akin to a college fraternity initiation, but with a more guttural, threatening undertone; I wondered if he practiced wolf calls. When he was done, the… thing outside responded, with a deeper, longer and more malicious howl than I had heard previously. The hairs on my neck would probably never lay flat again.

Attempting a disdainful groan, all I ended up making was a loud whimper. Shoving his shoulder, I rasped, “what the hell did you do that for?”

“I challenged it,” he said, readying his rifle, “now it’ll try and kill us, not hunt us.”

“There’s a difference!?” I balked. My eyes were thrown so wide, I'm not sure how they stayed in their sockets.

Hisao nodded and explained, “instead of stalking us as prey, it’ll fight us directly. That gives us a better chance to kill it. Although it also-”

A sudden, thunderous crunch cut off his statement as something big slammed into the front door. Crackling and splintering the wood along the hinges and doorknob, I was amazed it remained intact.

Instead of looking terrified like myself, Hisao was smiling again. “Nice try!" he exclaimed defiantly, "Kenji picked that door to withstand a grenade blast!" Turning toward me, he grinned cockily and started to add, "I think a werewolf-”

Crackling resounded again and the door heaved inward. Hisao clenched his rifle tightly, but stood his ground. The only think stopping me from darting behind another door was his wildly unflappable expression.

Grimacing, he remarked, “I should probably stop taunting it.”

Shuddering with another powerful blow, the top hinge splintered, snapped, and clattered to the floor in pieces. Still, the door held, but Hisao was raising the rifle now, and any hint of a smile had left his features. A spider-web of fractures spread from the former hinge, indicating it wouldn't hold for long.

"Good plan, genius!" I exclaimed, nodding frantically, "got any other good ideas?"

Hisao glanced at me and frowned. “Deep breaths, and hold the revolver with both hands," he advised, rolling his eyes, "I didn’t think you could get any paler.”

While I took a mental note to deck him for that remark later, I slowly exhaled and inhaled a few times, and my body relaxed slightly. Raising the gun with both hands, I pushed away the fear with an image of my girls, and suddenly the gun felt a lot lighter. The fear remained, but I channeled it into heightening my senses, letting me focus on the door and the werewolf, or whatever it was, trying to break through.

The strange silence, punctuated by the sound of the rain and the rumbling of thunder, started to make me feel anxious again as we waited. It stopped slamming on the door, and we stood in the darkness of the living room, neither of us knowing what to do with ourselves. Then, something scratched against one of the walls, and I turned to face the sound; apparently the thing was seeking a less direct opening.

Hisao turned towards the garage, remarking, “it’s checking for weak points.”

Still holding the Webley on the door, while casting my wide-eyed look over my shoulder, I inquired, “should we… move?”

“No," he replied, shaking his head, "remember what happened in those horror movies? We stand our ground, and we don’t ever split up.”

Something scratched again, closer this time; somewhere along the kitchen wall, I thought. Knowing there was a window in there, I didn’t think it was big enough for anything to get through. Willing my breathing to keep steady, I tried to remain calm, but, every time something rustled against the wall, I felt another tingle run up my spine.

The next time I heard something scratch, it was by the front door, and along with it was a low growling sound. Mixing and melding with the patter of rain and distant, rolling thunder, the low growl sounded like an animal, but something wasn't quite right. Maybe I was just hypersensitive, but it almost sounded like there were human undertones to its feral grunts.

A white flash in the living room window revealed a gigantic, lumbering shadow. Spinning, I leaped backward instinctively and squeezed the trigger. The deafening gunshot pierced the glass, but nothing more. Pushed away by the recoil, I nearly toppled over onto a chair, but managed to balance myself before adding that to the day's list of embarrassing misadventures.

“Don’t waste your ammo!” Hisao hissed, sounding anxious. The wavering in his voice made me smirk. Good, I remember thinking, I was starting to get pissed off by his calm demeanor.

“Why don’t we have more bullets?” I lamented, more to myself then Hisao.

Hisao rolled his eyes and chided, “if you don’t get it with the first shots you’re already dead.”

The deafening silence crept over us again as the excitement from my blunder died down. The next time lightning flashed outside, the shadow was gone, but the growling remained. Out there, among the bushes along the edge of the house, that thing was still stalking us, still snarling and scratching at the clapboards, trying to find an easy way inside. Listening to it, but never seeing the creature, I started to feel like it was making us wait intentionally.

“Just attack already you mangy pile of fur!” I shouted, my frustration boiling over.

“Don’t panic!” Hisao snapped. Looking at his expression, he seemed more worried about me then the damn wolf.

Before I could reply, another lightning strike was followed by shattering glass as something massive and gray leapt through the front window and crashed into one of the chairs. Gnashing its maw and snarling, the dark, shaggy creature was at least twice as long as I was tall, and its yellow eyes emitted an effulgent yellow glow despite the lack of reflective light. Now clearly visible, the sight of it made me want to piss myself and run screaming for the hills.

With the long snout and pointed features of a wolf, and the balanced gait of a man, its appearance seemed to defy nature. Coming to a stop, it reared up on its hind legs and managed to scrape the ceiling with its pointed ears, despite its forward hunch. Hand-like claws raised up to its sides, and it crouched down on human-like feet, leaning forward and baring its teeth. Water dripped from its gray, matted fur, and its stench filled the room, nearly gagging me. Its tail swished and twitched, but my eyes were focused on its head.

Ears perked, its snout was open in a snarl, its yellowed teeth were bared as it growled, the sound stretching into a sickening howl. Those glowing, yellow eyes bored into our souls, and it felt as though the Devil himself were reaching out to claim them for His domain. Somewhere behind the sickening yellow, I could see the awful truth of this abominable creature; a man's sorrowful eyes were trapped within. Secretly begging for release from its unending torture of dark deeds in the Hokkaido moonlight, I understood suddenly what we were facing.

Hisao fired and I jumped to the side as his rifle barked at the wolf-man. The round grazed its right side, causing it to growl, snarl, then leap at its attacker. Hisao dodged and moved to stab it with the bayonet, but the creature's agility allowed it to swerve and avoid the strike. Bearing one of its massive claws down on him, the wolf-man let out a surprised whimper when the barrel of Hisao's rifle crashed against its knuckles.

Snarling again, it leaped forward, overpowered Hisao and pushed him to the floor. Forced against the hardwood floor, Hisao grunted as he desperately maneuvered the rifle between the vicious claws and his exposed flank while constantly moving his head to avoid its gnashing teeth.

“Emperor on Earth, shoot the damn thing!” he bellowed.

Finally realizing I was in the room, I pointed the revolver at the creature and fired. This time expecting the kick, I managed to stand my ground, but the bullet's trajectory was far from fatal. Just grazing its hip, the sharp pain and streak of blood drew its attention toward me; exactly what I didn't want to happen. Before I could blink, it lunged at me; a flying, gray and black ball of yellow eyes and teeth. Frozen with fear, I stood there, waiting for its dagger-like maw to rip into my throat.

Just before everything would have gone black, the creature lurched to the side and half-spun as it let out a snarling groan. Swinging its massive forelimbs, it knocked me away and I fell on my ass, clutching at my side. Blinking as my senses returned, I quickly looked down; I wasn’t scratched, but it had managed to blast the air out of my lungs.

Gasping to replenish the supply, I lolled my head around and caught sight of Hisao, grabbing onto the creature's leg, using his silver dagger, embedded in its lower back, as a macabre hand-hold. Managing to levy my gun toward the creature, I realized I probably couldn't get a clean shot from this angle without hitting Hisao.

Hisao snarled as the wolf lunged to the side and sent him falling away, leaving his silvery hand-hold firmly in place. Reaching for the dagger, its eyes were alight and it twitched with either pain or rage, yanking the dagger out and flinging it toward me. Springing to the side, I barely managed to get out of the way before the bloody blade stuck into the wooden floor right where my torso had been. Awed by the sight, I realized this thing had the intelligence enough to whip a dagger at me, and brawn enough to toss Hisao around like a rag doll.

“Holy shit!” I breathed.

Seeing a brief opening, I picked up the gun again and aimed, but it darted forward suddenly and was almost on top of Hisao before he fired. Growling, it halted and fell forward, collapsing onto the floor. For just a moment, I thought it was dead, but, instead, it leapt at Hisao, now on all fours. Rolling out of the way, Hisao took a minor hit to the shoulder as the beast skated along the polished floor and slammed into the door. This time the door broke away and the wolf-man crashed out into the darkness. Accompanied by another flash of lightning, the beast growled and vanished into the stormy night.

“Why the fuck isn’t it dead?!” I fumed as I hauled myself off the floor.

“We need to hit a vital spot, I guess,” Hisao surmised as he worked the bolt on his rifle. Slowly hefting himself up, he glared at the two holes in front of us.

“You okay?” I asked, seeing how heavily he was breathing.

Nodding stiffly, he replied, “yeah. Was touch and go when it slammed me into the floor, but the adrenaline in my system saved me.” As if to prove he was okay, he belted out another challenging howl into the night. The response was so loud I jumped.

With nothing better to do then wait, I reached down to retrieve Hisao’s dagger. The entire blade was sunk into the floor, and yanking it out took more effort than I probably should’ve spent. As I pulled it out, I noticed the blade was dinged and bent, but it hadn't been rendered useless.

“Here,” I offered, moving over to hand him the dagger. Grabbing it, he shoved it back in his belt, never looking away from the two holes. His face was blank, but I could see the feral rage blazing in his eyes. A loud thunk above us got him to tear his eyes away, turning them up toward the noise.

“It's on the roof?” I wondered aloud, looking up at the ceiling.

Hisao blinked and growled lightly, “seems so.”

Somewhere above us, I started hearing the sounds of scratching, scraping, and splintering. It was loud and heavy, getting closer and becoming more fervent; so was the thing’s growling and snarling.

“You son of a bitch!” Hisao shouted at the ceiling, shaking a fist upward, “its digging through the roof! Damn, Hana’s gonna freak when she sees this mess!”

The ceiling started to shake and crumble, bits of plaster and wood clattering onto the floor between us, as Hisao swore and shot at the center of the cracks. Spreading and deepening, the fissures started to heave inward as the creature pressed its considerable weight against the crumbling structure. Following a chunk of the ceiling, the furry mass dropped down and crashed into the floor.

Hunched down on all fours, it immediately lunged at me, but I managed to dive toward the broken door, and I had the presence of mind to take aim as I came up in a crouch. The shot missed wildly, burying into the wall behind its streaking mass as it spun and prepared to dive at me again. Hisao fired off another shot, but it flew wild as well, a puff of plaster dust escaping from the new hole over his television. The damn thing was too fast for us to get an accurate shot at its vital organs.

Its eyes filled with rage and hatred, its mouth slick with saliva, and its bared teeth glimmering in the dim light. In a second it was crouching again, growling and lunging forward recklessly. Rolling away desperately, I caught another look into its hateful eyes as it whirled and snarled, barely an arm's length away; I wouldn’t be able to dodge it this time.

No matter what I did, its teeth or its claws were too close to avoid, and I knew I was doomed. If I shot it, the weight from its body would probably kill me. In that split second, a moment frozen in time, a terrible idea formed in my fear-ravaged mind; an idea I regret to this day. We had barely managed to slow it down, but if it were busy making sure I was dead, or, worse, eating me, perhaps that would give Hisao the opening he needed to finish the beast; stop it from killing anyone else. Stop it from murdering my girls, or George or Daichi, or Lilly, or any of them; anything to keep them safe.

Hefting the revolver to my temple, I closed my eyes and hesitated. Before I could pull the trigger I felt something force the gun away from my head. Looking up, I saw Hisao's bayonet suspended just above my face. Lunging past me, the werewolf dove at Hisao just as the rifle exploded, splitting a hole into the beasts shoulder and sending a streak of gore across my face.

The wound didn't seem to faze the beast at all, however. Tumbling into Hisao, they rolled across the floor for a moment before the beast launched him out through the broken window into the rainy darkness. Before I could register the fact I was somehow still alive, the yellow-eyed monster roared out after him.

“Hisao!” I screamed, yanking my dagger from its sheath and running toward the window, the revolver held loosely in my right hand.

Peering out as lightning streaked the sky again, I saw Hisao's hat laying in the churned mud, but nothing more. Leaning out, I squinted against the falling rain and tried to see into the darkness beyond. The rain was thick and heavy, falling in sheets, and flashes of lightning kept a near-constant rumble of thunder in my ears. That storm had no right to exist for so long.

Not hearing anything else, my legs started to shake and my eyes started to water. Unable to think, or act, or grasp the impossible thing that had just happened, my only thought was on Hisao. He was out there, somewhere, in that torrent with that horrifying monster bearing down on him, if he wasn't already dead.

“No...” I whispered defiantly. Shaking my head and punching the window sill, I repeated it more firmly, “no!”

Gritting my teeth, I stepped out onto the porch and surveyed the darkness. When nothing large and furry tried to kill me, I again shouted for Hisao. This time, something responded; a loud, short howl. I could tell it was Hisao. Straining my ears, trying to hear over the thunder and the rain, I figured it was coming from the wheat field.

Turning to face the wheat, I began treading slowly, brain deadlocked in terror with my head constantly moving, and my widened eyes searching. At the edge of the field I saw a clump of wheat mashed and snapped, and the greater mass of the field spread before me; something had smashed through there recently.

“Hisao!” I screamed into the night. In response, I heard him howl again. A long, loud howl. It was coming from my right. Before I could move a muscle, the beast responded, its howl filled with rage and pain. Good.

Without even thinking, I threw my head back and howled in response; pouring every emotion I was feeling out from my lungs into the cold, rainy night. Anger that this thing was threatening my family, fear that Hisao was going to be murdered by that creature, hatred at myself for not just shooting it, and sorrow for the poor soul trapped in the beast’s body, all roared out of my throat as a guttural howl.

When I finally ran out of air to howl with, I took a slow, careful step into the wheat. The rain collected and dripped from my hat and duster, both a bit tattered, but intact. The wolf was to my left. Hisao was to my right. I snarled and slowly forced my way to where I hoped I’d find Hisao, and not just his body.

+++
Next Chapter

Because nothing bad ever happens in wheat fields, right?

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:32 am
by Helbereth
Y'know, it's weird, but I'm actually enjoying rereading the later chapters - the stuff with the wolf. Perhaps because it's been a few weeks, but it's almost like reading it the first time.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:41 am
by Hoitash
Helbereth wrote:Y'know, it's weird, but I'm actually enjoying rereading the later chapters - the stuff with the wolf. Perhaps because it's been a few weeks, but it's almost like reading it the first time.
I've found that, as a writer, if you're happy with what you wrote, you can generally reread it in a enjoyable, dissociated manner.

Unlike Old Shames, where you apply your palm directly to the forehead.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 1:46 pm
by Helbereth
Hoitash wrote:
Helbereth wrote:Y'know, it's weird, but I'm actually enjoying rereading the later chapters - the stuff with the wolf. Perhaps because it's been a few weeks, but it's almost like reading it the first time.
I've found that, as a writer, if you're happy with what you wrote, you can generally reread it in a enjoyable, dissociated manner.

Unlike Old Shames, where you apply your palm directly to the forehead.
Yeah, I suppose so. Unlike something visually oriented, your association with what you're writing is limited to the words themselves; like tunnel vision. Reading back over some of what I've written, I find myself noticing things I hadn't even thought of while writing; chalk it up to my subconscious. Hell, when my brother sat down to read The Kenji Files, he was in hysterics - I hadn't even realized it was funny.

I need to write the next chapter of that... I haven't added a new chapter since last month.

Plus, when I edited these, I never really read the whole thing all at once. I literally read a paragraph or two, inserted my suggested changes, then wrote out notations. When you sent them back for review, I usually just skimmed to the parts I knew were a little weak to check for changes. Basically, I never really sat down to read each chapter all at once.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:22 pm
by griffon8
Wow, that is totally opposite of how I edit. I read it first for my own pleasure and then pick it apart.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:47 pm
by Helbereth
griffon8 wrote:Wow, that is totally opposite of how I edit. I read it first for my own pleasure and then pick it apart.
I approach it like I'm the one writing it, except it's already written out. I find if I read it first, I'm less likely to notice issues. He asked me to be brutal with it, too, and it's harder to do that if you're already attached to the story.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2012 10:51 pm
by griffon8
I don't know. I started the editing I do because I loved the story. He had the first four chapters written out before I found them. But I knew he needed an editor. And I have been brutal. We even argued over some purple prose he was fond of. Nobody outside the beta readers will ever know what that section of crap was, because it was excised from the story.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:29 am
by Mirage_GSM
I also use Helbereths approach. I mark/comment on errrors or other issues as I read the story for the first time. If you already know a story you will not be as observant as you were when you read it the first time.
I do admit that it lessens the enjoyment you would get if you read the story in one go, but if you sign up as a proof/betareader that is the price you pay.
And it's not really that bad, when you can type all corrections and comments directly into a wordfile...

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:45 pm
by Dumanios
Another good chapter, and the werewolf isn't too shabby.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:53 pm
by Hoitash
Dumanios wrote:Another good chapter, and the werewolf isn't too shabby.
Thanks on both. I really wanted the wolf to come across as an animal, but at the same time, I wanted the human aspects physically apparent. And of course, creepy as hell :wink:

Helbereth helped, of course. Actually, at this point, if I credit him in my writing, he did most of the work.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 4:18 am
by Scissorlips
Okay, it took me a little bit to get caught up on this, but I have to say that it was definitely worth it. To be honest, your narrative and descriptions have a tendency to lumber along, falling into somewhat repetitive sentence structure and dialogue that can come off as clunky.
But then you get to the action scenes.
These were absolutely riveting. I actually found myself leaning forward, feeling excitement build in my chest as the encounter with the werewolf drew nearer, and when things kicked off I was on the edge of my seat. The descriptors are still a little overly verbose here and there, but it's fast, it's frenetic, and it's absolutely damn enjoyable. I'm looking forward to seeing the story continue and reach its conclusion, because I know it's going to be awesome.

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 8:39 am
by Hoitash
Scissorlips wrote:Okay, it took me a little bit to get caught up on this, but I have to say that it was definitely worth it. To be honest, your narrative and descriptions have a tendency to lumber along, falling into somewhat repetitive sentence structure and dialogue that can come off as clunky.
Heh, too much infuence from older writing styles messing up my pacing, is my guess. That and my tendency to use big words (Hemingway'd punch me.)
But then you get to the action scenes.
These were absolutely riveting. I actually found myself leaning forward, feeling excitement build in my chest as the encounter with the werewolf drew nearer, and when things kicked off I was on the edge of my seat. The descriptors are still a little overly verbose here and there, but it's fast, it's frenetic, and it's absolutely damn enjoyable.
Thanks, I've actually been nervous about my ability to write the action genre, but looks like practice and a great editor have paid off :)
I'm looking forward to seeing the story continue and reach its conclusion, because I know it's going to be awesome.
So no pressure, right :wink:

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 9:45 am
by Helbereth
Hoitash wrote:So no pressure, right :wink:
We're screwed!

Re: Hisao and Akira(?!)- Terror in the Night! 10/20 Update

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 10:15 am
by Hoitash
Helbereth wrote:
Hoitash wrote:So no pressure, right :wink:
We're screwed!
At least we'll go down fighting *chic-chk*