Katawa Shoujo Forums

Sorry if I'm a little brief, it's... very, very late right now. I know and like the feeling of letting a story tug you in unexpected directions, but I can kind of tell this chapter wasn't planned. Not that it was bad at all, it just clearly had very little impact on the story as a whole.
It's borderline, but there's a little bit of repetition in the second line (talk, talking, talk to). I say borderline because it's right on the edge of being a stylistic choice, up to you but I think a little varying could help. Same with "movie" and "roof", although I think those two are more in need of tweaking.
When she asks if he couldn't sleep, I don't know... it feels like something she would have asked during the texting. It's still fine where it's at, it's still somewhat natural, but maybe earlier would have been more so. And when he says "we'll make tomorrow great", it kind of caught me off guard, since Tanabata has been mentioned several times before in the chapter but never revealed to be the very next day, which kind of changes the light that the earlier lines are cast in.
The rest of it was cute young love though, at least on his part and perhaps a bit of foreshadowing on hers, and I enjoyed it. Looking forward to the festival, maybe they have the ball-pitching game that a certain master of romance failed at in Shizune's route, but I'm sure Skip here wouldn't have much trouble...

The repetition and not mentioning Tanabata was tomorrow was just a little laziness from me unfortunately, and the dialogue being split up between texting and talking was something I juggled around a bit, writing text message conversations is weird for me. I'll definitely touch this up a bit later where I can. Also, you weren't brief, and I appreciate the effort you take to comment on this story.

Here is another short update, from Reika's point of view this time! The next actual chapter is still being worked on and I want to make sure it goes well, so I decided to add this in the meantime. I think readers know the drill, please read, criticize and enjoy! I would like to also ask for advice, if anyone is willing to offer some. Recently it's been taking longer for me to get in the mood to write, which is why updates are getting shorter and taking longer. Then when I do get into the mood, the words don't come out as fast and nicely as they used to, and honestly, I'm having less fun. But I still feel obligated, to whom exactly I'm not sure, to finish this story. So my question is, should I keep writing this story, even if it becomes something I don't want to do very much, or should I stop and take a step back if it becomes too tedious a task? Anyway, here's the update.

Reika's side of things: A few days before Tanabata

“No Dad, I haven't opened it yet.”

“Well go ahead and open it now! I want to see how you react,” the voice over the phone says.

“You can't see me silly, it's a phone,” I say jokingly, grabbing some scissors to open the package with.

A couple days ago my Dad sent me a package, with a note that told me not to open it until he called. At first I thought it was for some important reason, but I guess he just wanted to gauge my reaction. The package isn't that large, smaller than a breadbox. I could tell underneath the brown paper packaging there was a box, a soft one at that, but I couldn't tell anything else. Like a kid waiting longingly to open his presents, I tried everything I could to determine its contents, shaking, flipping, poking and prodding, to no avail. I'm lucky I was even able to resist the temptation to open it on the spot. I'm not a patient woman.

The packaging is proving to be a tough challenge for the safety scissors I had lying around, because my Dad apparently thought a veritable fortress of tape and paper was necessary.

“Did you really have to make it such a workout to open?” I ask, annoyed.

“Just wanted to be sure,” he says. I swear I could hear him smirking.

“Okay I got all the packaging off and… it's a white box.”

“Well open it darling,” he says impatiently.

“Okay,” I say, removing the lid of the box and… whoa. “Oh wow.”

Being as gentle as possible, I remove a long and flowing red garment. It's a dress, and a beautiful one at that. I stare at it until a voice snaps me out of my daze.

“Reika, are you there still? Hello?”

“Oh! Sorry, I was just sorta dumbstruck I guess. Dad, I don't even know what to say, it's amazing, I love it! Hey, I'll be right back, okay?” I say, tossing the phone onto the bed and changing into the dress as quick as I can.

I nearly jump in front of the mirror to look at myself, and I spend a decent amount of time admiring each little part of the dress. I think for a moment about when to wear it and who to show it to and oh my god I'm going to melt Skip's mind with this. I have to wear this when we go to the festival. Remembering that my Dad was still on the phone, I quickly pick it up again.

“Sorry about that, I just tried it on and oh my god I love it! Dad, how did you know? It's perfect, I even know just the time to wear it!” I exclaim in one breath, almost yelling into the phone.

“Hey, slow down there! Well, I remember you were talking one day about how they had only so many styles at the store, so I figured I'd send you something a little different. You're always into doing something different. Found it and sent it all by myself too.”

I chuckle. “All by yourself Dad?”

“Yep, just me, nobody else.”

“You got mom to help you out didn't you,” I say, grinning.

“Yeah. You know me too well, darling.”

We both just laugh for a little bit. Being away from home, here at Yamaku, I miss the little moments like this that I have with my Mom and Dad. Great, now I feel homesick.

“Hey Dad, do you think I could come visit next week?” I ask out of the blue, trying not to sound bummed out.

“Weren't you coming up here in a couple weeks anyways? Why not wait until then?”

“I know, but I'd like to come earlier, just ‘cause, you know?”

There's a slight pause. I think he's onto me.

“Feeling homesick darling?” He asks, a little concern in his voice.

“Yeah, I am,” I say, sounding bummed this time. “So, do you think I could visit?”

“Of course! I'll tell your Mother you're visiting right away and we'll arrange everything, don't worry.”

“Thanks Dad. For the dress, for everything,” I say, feeling much better.

“You deserve nothing less, my daughter. I think I have to go now though, your Mother keeps bothering me to come do something or other. We'll see you in a week, all right? I love you Reika.”

“I love you too Dad,” I say, not wanting to hang up yet. “I'll talk to you later.”

I hang the phone up and carefully put away my new dress, but not before admiring myself in it just a little more. I'm glad I can visit in a week, but before then, I have Tanabata to worry about.

Man, Skip is going to flip when he sees me.

MrDan wrote:So my question is, should I keep writing this story, even if it becomes something I don't want to do very much, or should I stop and take a step back if it becomes too tedious a task?

You should not force yourself.

I admit I've been looking forward to updates of this, but you should write at your own pace as long as nobody is threatening to withdraw a paycheck