And it does not disappoint as always. Your way of writing really does pull me in and makes me want to read more.
Keep up the work!
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
Tormound wrote:Another great post and quick update. Man i wish there were more people like you.
Zykes wrote:Considering that we have found each other on here; I would have to see what you've been writing on here.
And it does not disappoint as always. Your way of writing really does pull me in and makes me want to read more.
Keep up the work!
That's the idea. I'm continuing Hanako's route to the game, and my logic is that Lilly would still propose to go to Hokkaido, and the long walk would still make Hisao out of breath and give his heart something to complain about. However, since Hanako reminded him about his medication, it was less severe. Right now the story is still in the game's timeline, but once I reach the end of Lilly's route chronologically, I'll be a bit more free in what I do with the story.Guest Poster wrote:Was that a mini-heart attack like in Lilly's route or was he just out of breath? Cause I recall that event in Lilly's route was due to Hisao having forgotten to take his medication twice in a row.
surprise spoiledContains mature content
Maybe this is just me who thinks this way, but people who stutter and pause don't have to have pauses in their thought processes as well.>all these ellipses
Demure doesn't sound like something someone would describe their own smile as. People might describe something they do themselves by how much effort they put into it or something like that, but not how it looks to others.I give him my typical demure smile
this should be a comma, not a periodlike that.” I say
It looks like you described the same phenomenon in three different ways.My throat is choking up. These words feel like cement in my throat. Trying to speak them is like breathing underwater.
I've made this complaint in regard to a different fic before, but if a party has to mentally make the point in his or her head "this time is so much better than our first time", then it doesn't display much confidence that such is actually the case. As if she's just trying to convince herself through rote, but not as drastic.It is only our love that drives us together this evening.
Tentatively, brush, and shyly all get the same message across.I tentatively move my tongue to meet his, whereupon they brush together shyly
Odd time to mention it, but this line made me realize that Hisao has kinda been acting like a Marty Stu so far. I was expecting him to be like "Oh Hanako my love I only have eyes for you" but instead he said it in a pretty insecure manner, compliant with the uneasiness one would expect from the "second time". But then that uneasiness appears to vanish rather shortly afterwards.“This would be my second time with you. But yeah, you’re the only one I’ve ever...made love to.”
Kinda loses it's meaning when it's said so often.>I love you I love you I love you I love you
oh uMy lips part and I inhale sharply as the feeling of being penetrated consumes me
This reminds me of another thing I read once where the protagonist described the approaching climax as having a familiar feeling, even though you were supposed to assume he was a virgin prior. The only acceptable solutions then were that he has masturbated before, or that it was just a cue for him to want to pull out (the writing technically did have him being cognizant of plenty of other things that he realistically shouldn't have been). The scenario you've written is slightly different, but it still raises a question. Is this supposed to imply that Hanako actually came the first time, that she almost came the first time, or that she had masturbated before? Maybe it's not important to the immediate story, but if you're (possibly) rewriting dubious canon, you might want to make it so that your reader knows exactly what to believe.I feel the vaguely familiar feeling building inside my nether region
See, nearly every single Hanako-post-good-end-whatever has had Hanako on top for the happy secks. This is for a number of reasons, but your doing it straddles the line between what could realistically happen in an awkward second encounter and the fairy-tale thing that I've been ragging on you for. This leaves me confused; is it for the former reason, the latter, or something else entirely?>Hisao on top again
This better fucking be important later on.something about the thought is still concerning. I can’t pinpoint what, exactly, but I push the thought to the back of my mind.
I very much appreciate the critique.~ I've gotten used to having thick skin, being a writer and all. I'm pretty sure anyone who gets too attached to their writing - to the point of not accepting criticism with an open mind - will never be worth their salt, but that's just my modest opinion.Brogurt wrote:Time for some... hmm, what do you guys call it? Critique? Constructive criticisms? Regardless, I call it bitching. ♥
-Snipped for epic largeness-
Still, pretty cool.
Rather than one of the parties involved "making the point in his/her head", I got the impression it was just a fleeting thought. If you experience something for the second time, a comparison with the first time (especially if the first time was kind of an epic fail for several reasons) is hardly illogical.I've made this complaint in regard to a different fic before, but if a party has to mentally make the point in his or her head "this time is so much better than our first time", then it doesn't display much confidence that such is actually the case. As if she's just trying to convince herself through rote, but not as drastic.
I got the impression that the non-verbal consent was clear-cut enough to make a potentially awkward "shall we have penetrative sex?" followed by a verbal confirmation unneccessary.And even then, this fic lacks that clear-cut sexual consent that you would expect from such a lovey-dovey affair. You might think that this conflicts with my previous point about proving if the second time is actually better than the first, but consent can be expressed verbally without drawing too much attention to it. I want to tell you to write it in as if it were an afterthought, but I don't know if that would send the right message about the purpose of it being present.
Interesting to see two different sides of this. Personally, I felt verbal consent between the two was unnecessary. They seem to be able to pick up on the emotions of one another easily enough.Guest Poster wrote: ...
Rather than one of the parties involved "making the point in his/her head", I got the impression it was just a fleeting thought. If you experience something for the second time, a comparison with the first time (especially if the first time was kind of an epic fail for several reasons) is hardly illogical.
...
I got the impression that the non-verbal consent was clear-cut enough to make a potentially awkward "shall we have penetrative sex?" followed by a verbal confirmation unnecessary.
KS itself is adult content, and I've never seen anyone punished for not designating their fanfiction as the same thing. Besides, you had your warning in the story itself, just like I've done before, and that serves the same purpose.The spoiler with the 'contains mature content' was to save myself from mod wrath.
This is something I don't get, and instead of using my own words, let me use yours.That said, I do think that there would be some pauses for thought, perhaps even more frequently for Hanako because she is more reserved.
Since Hanako is KS's resident bookworm/antisocial nerd, it makes enough sense that she'd have an expanded vocabulary, and may well be quite eloquent... in her own head. The stuttering can be inferred to have resulted from social anxiety, not mental incapability. But the problem I had with the usage of the word demure was that it comes off more as a reaction than an intention. I wouldn't put it past her to use such a word, but not in this context.My rationale is that Hanako is strongly introverted, so her inner monologue would have a lot of words to describe herself that would otherwise be absent from a character's stream of consciousness.
I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it if I were you, but it's just that I'd prefer to keep the bad thoughts associated with that time separate from the good thoughts associated with this time.I didn't put much thought into the 'this time is so much better...' line. It sort of came out of my stream of consciousness and it didn't exactly sound wrong when I did my polishing. That said, I'll keep it in mind.
Gauging the relationship three times in one chapter seems like a bit much.The I love you thing is a recurring theme. I'm using it more as a gauge for Hanako's comfort level with their relationship.
I like me some double entendre and I kinda hope now that it wasn't intentional; it might even be funnier that wayoh me? :3
Obviously, but with Hanako on top, doing the movements and whatnot, it's made pretty damn clear that she wants it, and -by extension- that she's more of her own person with wants and needs of her own, instead of a subordinate who gives into the desires of others. I know this was one of the reasons I put her on top at one point, and maybe some of the other writers thought the same thing.My reasoning for Hisao on top: Hanako is submissive, mostly because of her shyness. I see the fact that Hanako was on bottom in her arc and Lilly was on top [Mostly] in her arc as subtle statements about their characters.
Maybe this would be easier for me to believe if I actually saw more conflict that might result in them getting to this point. Regardless of how good you may think the park confession was, these things don't happen overnight. I won't deny that they could have come to terms in the time between then and the summer trip, but it would have helped to have seen it happen.but they've come to terms with that, no?
Yes, and it's not capitalized as a title should be.The story is called 'Behind my scars'. Yes, it's going to be important later on.
I sincerely hope that the "familiar territory" is what's coming to an end, and not the story itself.I know I'm stuck in familiar territory, but it's coming to an end soon, I promise!
Duly noted. Will remove off the front. >_>Brogurt wrote:
KS itself is adult content, and I've never seen anyone punished for not designating their fanfiction as the same thing. Besides, you had your warning in the story itself, just like I've done before, and that serves the same purpose.
Makes sense. I'll try to use it more sparingly.This is something I don't get, and instead of using my own words, let me use yours.
Since Hanako is KS's resident bookworm/antisocial nerd, it makes enough sense that she'd have an expanded vocabulary, and may well be quite eloquent... in her own head. The stuttering can be inferred to have resulted from social anxiety, not mental incapability. But the problem I had with the usage of the word demure was that it comes off more as a reaction than an intention. I wouldn't put it past her to use such a word, but not in this context.My rationale is that Hanako is strongly introverted, so her inner monologue would have a lot of words to describe herself that would otherwise be absent from a character's stream of consciousness.
It slipped my mind at first, but this line was referring to the fact that Hanako had no hymen to break this time. >_> But considering it slipped over my head, and I wrote it, I guess it didn't have the instant link I hoped it would.I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it if I were you, but it's just that I'd prefer to keep the bad thoughts associated with that time separate from the good thoughts associated with this time.I didn't put much thought into the 'this time is so much better...' line. It sort of came out of my stream of consciousness and it didn't exactly sound wrong when I did my polishing. That said, I'll keep it in mind.
I'll put more thought into how much they say it, and try to keep it in line with their relationship.Gauging the relationship three times in one chapter seems like a bit much.
It was unintentional. I still have no idea what you're on about. xD I'm not exactly trying to figure it out, but still.I like me some double entendre and I kinda hope now that it wasn't intentional; it might even be funnier that wayoh me? :3
It was a bit early for that kind of leap in this chapter, I'd say. She'll get to that point eventually. It'll be worth the wait. ;DObviously, but with Hanako on top, doing the movements and whatnot, it's made pretty damn clear that she wants it, and -by extension- that she's more of her own person with wants and needs of her own, instead of a subordinate who gives into the desires of others. I know this was one of the reasons I put her on top at one point, and maybe some of the other writers thought the same thing.My reasoning for Hisao on top: Hanako is submissive, mostly because of her shyness. I see the fact that Hanako was on bottom in her arc and Lilly was on top [Mostly] in her arc as subtle statements about their characters.
Point taken. If nothing else, you're giving me more ideas about future relationship issues for them to address. >_>Maybe this would be easier for me to believe if I actually saw more conflict that might result in them getting to this point. Regardless of how good you may think the park confession was, these things don't happen overnight. I won't deny that they could have come to terms in the time between then and the summer trip, but it would have helped to have seen it happen.but they've come to terms with that, no?
...I knew that. I was just testing you. You pass. A+.Yes, and it's not capitalized as a title should be.The story is called 'Behind my scars'. Yes, it's going to be important later on.
[/quote]I sincerely hope that the "familiar territory" is what's coming to an end, and not the story itself.I know I'm stuck in familiar territory, but it's coming to an end soon, I promise!
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.