Hey, guys. This chapter was an absolute bitch to write because there was about three chapters worth of pure content and nonsense to wade through in my head and on paper, and while I ideally would have split like twelve pages in half and done two separate chapters, this thing's got MOMENTUM, and I'll be damned if I'mma lose that, so I did things the hard way and chopped away at this for like a week until it is what it is now. Comments, criticism, and epic pointers always welcome.
***
Prologue:
Turn to Stone
Chapter One:
Touchdown Breakdown
Chapter Two:
Evil Speaks
Chapter Three: Down There With You
***
"Who's gonna win this?
Who's gonna stay alive?
The loser will crumble,
The loser will surely die."
-Leæther Strip, "Down There With You"
One hundred twenty-two. One hundred twenty-three. One hundred twenty-four. One hundred twenty-six. One hundred twenty-seven. One hundred twenty... Shit, I miscounted. So that's one hundred twenty... Nine? One-thirty, one-thirty-one. Wait. I skipped, like, two?
You know, normally, I like being tired. Then again, I'm usually tired because of a good run or a couple days of cramming for an exam I pass by the skin of my teeth, and not because of shitty dreams and shittier pains and Emi frickin' Ibarazaki completely throwing off my entire routine. But whatever. Gotta roll with the punches, I guess.
Heh, there's some irony for ya.
But being dead tired when your brain won't shut the hell up because you have something looming ahead of you that kind of terrifies you sucks, and it's even worse when you've got nothing to do for a couple hours except homework that you're too tired to focus on and too Goddamned shaken-up to do because holy fuck Hanako wants to talk to you again.
Yeah.
All I can do is lie here in bed and count each individual dot on the ceiling until I lose track and start over again. All while replaying this surreal, messed up couple of days over and over in my head. Forwards, backwards, sped, up, slowed down, to the point where I think I've warped and tangled the footage so much that I don't even know what the hell I'm watching anymore. It's a grainy, choppy mess of running, punching, crying, little girls, flashing lights, sproingy blades, white sparks of pain, blood, tears, constant glances over the shoulder, and long, dark hair. All looping over and over until it all becomes one ugly, blurry mess of static that gets louder and louder and louder until my head starts splitting in half and Goddamn I'm fucking over it.
I gotta get outta this place. Do something. Anything.
I look outside. Is there a storm comin' on? There's a nasty haze of grey blotting out the sky, and no breeze at all. Grim. Foreboding even. I haven't even noticed it until now. Guess I really have been out of it. Regardless, it looks like it's gonna get chilly, and who knows, it might rain.
Screw it, I'm gonna go for a walk.
I get off my bed and stretch my muscles, much to their displeasure. Sorry, guys, but the central command system is on the fritz, and needs to shut the hell up. I open my closet and root through various clothes for something a little warmer when I find and old friend. Hahah. Would you look at that. Sandwiched between a girl's blouse that I've never worn and a winter coat is my old biker jacket. Thick, black leather, a million jangly zippers and buckles in various stages of wear and tear, a few light scuffs and a few really heavy ones, and a small skull one of my cronies stenciled on the left shoulder in white spray paint. Classy, I know.
I think this is the last thing I've held on to from back then. Looks a little more beaten up than I remember, but it's still quality. Heh, lots of good times in this thing. Lots of heavy times, too. Too many heavy times. I stand in front of my mirror, and slowly, maybe reluctantly put it on. First the bad hand, then the good one. Fits like a glove. Still looks killer after all these months. Still feels good, too. Nice. Warm. Snug. Safe.
Safe? Really? I've ruined lives in this thing, up to and including my own. Sure, it's cushioned a few otherwise fatal blows, but the fact that this is screaming "A-OK" in my head weirds me out. I give myself a good, long hard look in the mirror. I'm confident that I don't have to turn this girl into the world's most dangerous jigsaw puzzle, but still... Heavy times.
Know what? Screw it. Why not. I can't find anything better, and it'd do me good to wear this thing. It's just a jacket, not the skin of a person I'd rather not be any more. I head out the door and down the hall, attracting a few odd looks as I make my way outside, but whatever. That isn’t me. This is me. Besides, I think to myself as I walk through the gates and down the long, winding road into town, I look damned good.
Why it's important to me that I look good right now is something I'm a little unsure of taking a stab at.
Man, is it nuts out here. No people walking around at all, no birds flying by or chattering at each other, no sun shining, no wind making the branches and leaves sway back and forth, no nothing. It's still. What was the word... Stagnant. Yeah. Incredibly stagnant. It's cold without being actually cold, and in a way, it's kind of warm, too. Like there's a nasty explosion just waiting to crack the sky and make a beeline right for the school in a huge mess of thunder and lightning. It's tense out here.
God. I think I'm tense. I aimlessly kick at a rock as I walk on. It bounces once, twice, then clatters to a stop a few yards ahead of me. I slowly catch up to it and punt it again. This time I think I put a bit too much "oomph" into it, because it skips off wildly into the bushes and disappears. I sigh. Story of my life, I guess. Too much, mmm, push, I guess, and everything runs away from me.
She came back, though. That's insane. I don't think I've been this happy and nervous in a long time.
My mind wanders as I suddenly find myself in civilization. There's a couple of people walking rather quickly to wherever it is they gotta be, probably to ditch this potentially shitty weather and get nice and warm, and the occasional car passes by at random, but that's about it. Aside from that, the town is dead. Quiet. Too quiet, like they say in the movies.
Fine by me.
I make my way absentmindedly to the nearest convenience store, throwing open the door and making my way to a fruit display that, while looking a bit less than premium, reminds me painfully that I completely forgot about lunch. I grab a couple apples and a rather haggard-looking banana and make my way to the register. The guy at the counter looks at me disapprovingly, as without even thinking, I'd shoved my intended purchase into my jacket pockets, but his gaze flicks over to my hand that's not there. He winces, just barely, and nods in understanding. I fork over a couple notes and flash a smile to show that it's totally cool, man, no harm done, then walk out and resume my stroll through town.
Upon polishing off the fruit that surprisingly wasn't that bad, I toss the remnants into a nearby trash can when I'm greeted by a brilliant white flash, followed some moments later by a low, steady rumble. Guess I'd better head to the Shanghai now. So I'll be a bit early. Nothing wrong with that. What's the word for showing upon time, but isn't "timeliness" because I'm positive I just made that up, which is a damned shame because it sounds legit? Well, that. Yeah.
It really shouldn't surprise me that Hanako would want to meet up there. I've been a few times with a few people from the track team, and from what I've seen, it's not too crowded and it's relatively low key. A good place to get away from people and blend in. and a better place to keep warm and dry on a shitty day like this, what with the tea and all. Tea's not really my thing, but the Shanghai's is good enough, for what it's worth.
Little pinpricks of rain turn into a full-on downpour right as I arrive at the Shanghai. Yikes. I'm soaked. I shake off what feels like an ocean out of my hair, enter the teahouse, and am greeted by a familiar face. Yuuko, that one twitchy girl that works at the library. I completely forgot that she pulled double duty here, too. Jeez, I know she's going for university and all, but Goddamn, woman, how do you do it? Heh, it looks like she's been asking herself the same thing, because she looks about as tired as I am.
"Hello and welcome to the Shanghai," she says enthusiastically, even if there is the slightest trace of a yawn at the end of "Shanghai."
"Hiya," I nod in response as I scan the place for signs of life, which there aren't too many of. "I, uh, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here. Tall girl, dark hair, kind of has a... Wait, there she is."
There she is indeed. Tucked way in the back, for once not looking like she desperately wants to meld with the furniture and disappear forever. Looks like she showed a bit early, too. Lucky thing, too, given this terrible weather that kinda snuck up on me and oh my God that hat is fucking adorable and I wanna squeal in delight but some other time because there's business to be done and Yuuko's staring at me and I totally forgot that you order and then sit down. Fuck.
"Oh, right. I'll take some coffee, I guess. The blacker, the better. It's been a long day."
She bows, then shuffles away like a zombie, and I slowly make my way to Hanako's table. She doesn't see me yet; she's kind of staring into a cup of tea and looks to be lost in her own head, which is good because she can't see how fucking nervous I am and how much effort each colossal, slow-motion step in her direction takes out of me. I approach the table and give it a slight rap with my knuckle, and her gaze locks with mine.
We just kind of stare at each other for a few seconds as my brain lurches to a dead stop. What the hell do I say to her? Hi, Hanako, I don't know what the hell I did wrong, but I'll try not to do it again. Hey there, nice hat, and look, I punched out your boyfriend and I'm probably not sorry. Oh, hello, I've thought about you so fucking much these past few weeks and I don't know what the fuck to DO about it, and all I wanna do is wrap you in my arms and squeeze you till your eyes pop out. Yikes. I settle for something a little simpler.
"Hey."
"You c-came."
"Yeah." I smile and take a seat. "Wouldn't miss it for the world. Shitty weather, though, huh?" Yeah, real smooth, Miki. First time you fucking talk to her in too Goddamn long and all you can do is point out the obvious. I guess the only upside is that she's just as nervous. She's pulling at her sleeve and focusing way too much on anything that isn't me. At her shy nod, I decide to ditch the small talk and go for broke, which, let's face it, is all I've ever been really good at.
"I've really missed you, Hanako."
She goes still. Like, literally stiff as a board. I don't even think she's breathing. Oh, fuck, I've done it again. I've Goddamn incapacitated her, haven't I. Right as I'm about to apologize for something I'm sure as hell not sorry for, she seems to draw on some inner resolve and locks eyes with me.
"I m-missed you, too, Miki."
I let out a sigh of relief and can't help but grin like a motherfucker. "You had me fooled for a second. But seriously, I'm really glad you wanted to talk to me. I, uh, I kinda wanted to talk to you, too. For a long time, really."
The sound of a bell ringing and a few more voices shifts my attention to the door. Looks like a few more people are trying to beat the rain. I don't blame 'em, but a thought occurs to me.
"Hey, why'd you wanna meet me here, anyway? This doesn't seem like much your thing. You know, public places and all."
She looks almost hurt for a brief moment, but steels herself and resumes messing with her sleeve again. It's a little distracting, to be honest, but it lets me understand that she's putting a lot of thought into what she's thinking and saying.
"I know. I... I like it here. I usually come here w-with Lilly. This is my f-first time here alone. It's k-kind of scary, but..." She pauses, gently brings her teacup to her lips and takes a sip. "I w-wanted to prove to myself that I could do that."
Ah. I see, now. Kind of scary, my ass. This must fucking terrify her, but I guess after being coddled by Hisao and apparently Satou for so long, maybe the girl just wants to be doin' it for herself. She's being awfully brave, and I can't help but be impressed, even if she does flinch a bit when a party of four takes a seat a few tables away from us.
"Heh, you did a great job, you know? And now you've got some company, so it's all good." I smile and note with no small amount of happiness that she does, too, in that adorable way of hers. God, I've missed that.
At her questioning look, I mentally slap myself in the face, because I realize I've said that aloud. Thankfully, before any of us can react, Yuuko chooses that moment to arrive with my coffee, which smells fucking abysmal, and therefore, delicious. I nod in thanks and take a cautious sip, pleased that it's already cooled enough to drink, and stoked that it tastes like black tar filtered through an old boot. I can't help but down the whole thing, relishing the sensation of much-needed warmth that pools throughout my body and that high-energy kick to the teeth that only the blackest crude can deliver.
"Awesome."
I come down from my trip to the heavens right quick when I realize Yuuko and Hanako are both looking at me, Yuuko with a mixture of horror and uncertainty, and Hanako with what appears to be a suppressed giggle. Heart-rendingly precious as that particular sight may be, I've gotta do something about this.
"Sorry. Long day. Could I have another?"
Yuuko leaves us significantly less undead than before, then returns with another cup and a fresh teapot for Hanako. I take this one a bit more slowly, realizing that it actually tastes a lot more haggard than I gave it credit for, but shrug the thought away as I try to get right back to business.
"So, uh, whatcha wanna talk about?"
She drains her teacup, then carefully and mechanically refills it with delicate, practiced movements. She places the teapot down, fidgets with her sleeve a bit, then takes a deep breath.
"I owe y-you an apology."
What. This is the absolute last thing I expected to hear. In all the million various scenarios that have been going through my head the past few days, I didn't quite think that she might be the one saying "Hey, look, I'm sorry." Before I can respond, she launches into an explanation, which is a good thing, because I probably would've said something colossally stupid.
"I lost m-my parents when I was younger."
Oh.
OH.
Oh, good God. I might be kinda dull sometimes, but even a complete idiot can put two and two together. The fire or whatever it was that did that gave her that wicked scarring must have also snuffed her folks. Oh, Goddamn it. I can't even imagine. She's been all fucking alone, all this time, and oh, fuck, she probably saw her Goddamn parents fry to death in front of her and it's no wonder she's so touchy and withdrawn and all PTSD-like, I mean, how the fuck can you watch your Mom and Dad up and die in front of you and have to sit in a burn ward for probably months at a time with nothing but their cries and smells fucking up your brain every hour on the hour, and I swear to God Miki, if there's a shitty time for tears, it's right Goddamn now, so don't even try.
"When I was in the orphanage, I didn't have m-many friends. And the ones I did wound up making fun of me like everyone else. So I guess I gave up on friendship, and on people in general. W-when I was to begin high school, I found out about Yamaku, and I guess I thought that of all places, and of all people, I would be accepted there the most. But it really didn't work out the way I thought. The few people here that tried to get close... All of them r-really only did anything because they felt sorry for me. Someone actually told me that once. I hated it. I hated that unwanted obligation from people."
Yeesh. I could totally see that, I guess, from a flipped perspective. I wasn't too keen on other people growing up because I just plain didn't respect anyone, especially not anyone I viewed as a stumbling block or a punching bag. And when I did make a "friend," it was purely for my own gain, for stupid things like good grades, bad booze, and an extra pair of fists. Hell, and those were the more altruistic things. I've sure as hell lured boys and girls in with promises of false friendship just to make setting 'em up and knockin' 'em down even more enjoyable.
God, I was a total bitch, wasn't I.
"Then I met you. You were different. You really... Scared me. You still kind of do."
Scary. Fuck. That's the absolute Goddamned last thing I've wanted to be ever since I set foot in Yamaku. I try not to frown at this, but I guess it can't be helped, because she hastily rushes to explain.
"N-no! It's not a bad thing or anything! It's just th-that I wasn't used to anyone treating me like everyone else. Every d-day with you was a step outside my comfort zone... But I think I really needed that. I think I still need it."
She pauses to take a sip of tea, as if to steady her nerves, and I consider her last words. It never occurred to me until the bullshit with Hisao that I might have been way too heavy-handed in trying to get her out of her shell. But apparently having a mild panic attack every time I so much as told her she looked pretty was somehow worth it? Might be worth doing still, even?
Hmm.
"I thought that if I forced you out of my life, that everything would go back to normal, and everything would be okay. But it didn't. I think I ended up ruining everything you did for me, and just made myself more lonely than I'd ever wanted to be."
"Ah. Damn."
I realize my coffee's not getting any warmer, and take a few God-awful sips before electing to just down the damned thing and be done with it.
"I guess th-that's why I became so attached to Lilly. She's a lot more... Sensitive, I guess would be a nice way to put it. And for a while, I was okay with that. It was nice to have something like a mother again, and it was nice to have someone who couldn't..." At this Hanako, consciously or otherwise, covers her face with her hand. Ah. That would make a damned bit of sense.
"Then I met Hisao. He was really nice to me. He went out of his way to do things with me, and, I don't know..." She wipes her face with her sleeve, and I realize with a start that she's tearing up a little, and is looking kind of... Angry? Oh, man.
"I thought that he might have... Th-that he might have liked me. And I think I really liked him. But I don't think he could ever see me like that. It was the same as it was with Lilly." Her scowl fades away and gives way to the most gut-wrenchingly sad expression I've ever seen on a human being. "Lilly left to Scotland the other day, and Hisao said... He s-said he'd be around to protect me, to keep an eye on me, to make sure that p-poor l-little Hanako would be okay. He said a lot of things like that, and I'd had enough."
She takes another sip, albeit a slightly shaky one, and sighs.
"I told him that I hated him and that I hated Lilly, and that I never wanted to see them again."
Grim. I kind of got that vibe from Satou anyway, that whole overbearing Momma Bear thing, which isn't really bad, I guess, but now that I've got both sides of the picture, I can see how that'd cause her to just snap at Hisao like that. Straw that broke the camel's back and whatnot, which makes no damned sense, because who stacks straw on a camel?
"Rough. I think I understand. They're not terrible people, yanno? I know they mean well, but, yeah. Rough. I getcha."
A few moments of silence between us pass. The small group of people a few tables away are involved in some heated conversation about pointless nonsense, probably goofy-ass political bullshit or some such. The rain seems to pour down even harder, like it has some kind of vendetta against concrete and asphalt and wants it broken to subatomic bits. I absentmindedly fiddle with my empty mug and note Hanako's expression. It's fighting a war between resentment and sorrow, and it looks like both sides are winning. Finally, she exhales, seemingly defeated, and slumps over the table.
"I guess I d-don't really hate them. It's just... It h-hurts. It really does." Then she looks up at me. "That's why I wanted to tell you I was s-sorry. You never did anything wrong, and when I did what I did... I didn't even think that I may have really hurt you, too."
I take a few moments to let this all sink in. I'm relieved, saddened, excited, a little pissed off, maybe, but this is good. It means I'm not so Goddamned confused any more, for the first time in way the fuck longer than it should have been.
"Yeah. It was rough, you know? You were my first friend in, well, let's just say in a long time. So When you told me to go, it hurt pretty bad, sure, but I figured if I gave you space and enough time to think about things, you'd snap out of it and we'd be cool again. But when a few days turned into a few weeks, and that turned into a Goddamned year, I was pretty bummed out. I was convinced you genuinely didn't like me."
"That's not true!" She blurts out a lot more loudly than either of us anticipate, attracting the eyes of the people near us and interrupting their ranting about a gross domestic product, which sounds like natto, because natto is pretty fuckin' gruesome to me. She realizes her outburst and tries desperately to shrink into herself, phase through her seat and into nothingness, but I reach out and without even thinking of how incredibly cheesy the gesture is, I grasp her scarred hand with both of mine. Well, sort of. Sometimes I forget.
"I know that now. But Goddamn it. It killed me, Hanako, never knowing what the hell I did wrong or what your damage was. It killed me having to walk into class everyday, trying not to make eye contact with you because I knew that if I did, you'd just look away and it would break my heart. It fucking destroyed me having to sit in class knowing that even though you were just two seats behind me, you might as well have been in another fuckin' world. I really missed you, Hanako."
We stare at each other like this for God knows how long, when she looks away and I realize just what the hell I'm doing, let go of her hand, and awkwardly shove mine into my excessively zippered pockets.
"I'm s-sorry," she whispers meekly, smiles one of those impossibly cute little smiles, then follows it with an even quieter, if possible, "I missed you, too."
"Well, alright, then." I can't help but match her smile with one of my own. I thrust my hand out to her and offer a reprisal of last year's near-botched handshake. "Friends?"
With much less hesitation than before, and hell, maybe no small degree of enthusiasm, she takes my hand and gives it a firm squeeze.
"Friends."
We spend the next few minutes silently enjoying one another's company. Well, I can only speak for myself, really, but I'm having a good time, for sure. Dammit, I missed this. So much. Hanako is the only person I've ever met who's simply being there calms me down and makes me feel... I dunno, good. Great, even. Heh, there is Suzu, I guess, but she's asleep ninety-five percent of the time, so that doesn't count. But whatever. For the first time since this whole shebang started, I feel at peace. A bit overcaffeinated, but at peace.
Seems to be the same with the weather, by the looks of it. Outside the window, I notice that the torrential flood of an hour or so ago has slowed to a light drizzle. Weird. Like, right outta those tacky romance flicks.
"Hey, looks like the storm's letting up a bit. You think we should head back to the school while the getting's good?"
At her nod, we get up from the table, pay our respective bills, and wave farewell to Yuuko. I step outside, Hanako following close behind, when I hear a low groan of frustration.
"I d-didn't think to bring an umbrella."
"Aw, it's not too bad." I step out from under the awning to demonstrate. "See? I'm still alive. Now come on, before the weather has a chance to change its mind." Reluctantly, she joins me on the sidewalk and we begin to head back to Yamaku.
A few minutes later, I notice she's shivering. Her jacket, this flimsy denim thing, isn't quite cut out for this weather, and the poor girl must be absolutely freezing out here. Yikes. So I take off my own jacket and drape it over her shoulders. I figure if it can deflect a shot to the kidneys or take some of the venom out of a nasty kick to the ribs, it should handle the rain just fine. Hanako looks at me in absolute disbelief.
"B-but what about you?"
"Hahah, don't worry about it. What doesn't kill me, you know."
She nods stiffly, but not without a smile and a slight blush. Excellent. Keep it up, Miki. You're doing fine.
We arrive back at the school with little fuss, aside from being a little less dry than we'd like, but no damage done, and make a run for the dorms, rushing inside to get the hell out of the rain. Hanako hands me my jacket with a mumbled "Thank you," and I sling it over my shoulder, grinning all the while.
We go down a few hallways and stop in front of my room, and seemingly on cue I yawn a lot more loudly than I anticipated. God. Today seemed like it would never end, but you know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened. I've got my Goddamned friend back. Worth it.
"I really had a great time today, but I think I'm going to drop dead until morning. I'm fuckin' beat."
"M-me, too." God, but will you look at her. A bit waterlogged, but positively adorable nonetheless. "I'll see you tomorrow, Miki?"
"You know it. G'night, Hanako." I open my door and step into my room, toss my jacket aside and seriously contemplate falling face-first on the floor and passing out right then and there, when I'm halted by Hanako's voice.
"Wait."
I turn to see tugging in her sleeve again and biting her lip, looking extremely nervous about something. I attempt to ask her what's up, but before I can even attempt to process thoughts into actions, she collides into me and wraps me in an abrupt, frantic, and oh-so wonderful hug.
I'm completely thrown off guard for a second, but when I come to my senses, I can't help but chuckle as I throw my arms around her. Fuck you, sleep, you can wait for just a few more seconds, because this right here? This is all I've wanted in longer than I can remember.
***
When I wake up the next morning, I realize I must have been fucking exhausted, because not only did I not dream at all, but I've slept in way later than I should have. Like, I have five minutes to get to class on time, and my attendance has been dicey enough as is. As I shuck off my bedclothes and hastily throw a uniform on, I'm gripped by a sudden horrible realization that pierces my gut like an iron stick that's been set on fire and covered in scorpions.
Shit.
I never told Hanako that I punched Hisao.
Working on that, though. This morning has definitely made me want to step my game up.
