Katawa Shoujo Forums

Oddball wrote:of spellcheckers and other horrors

Nah. The point I was getting at, in Mordor Sans Serif uppercase, is that spellcheckers have a single useful setting for writers: OFF.

Your responses only seems to strenghten my case.

It's just that the program I use sometimes automatically "fixes" certain spelling errors and I didn't catch those ones when I went back over it.

If you use a program where you can't turn the spellchecker off, change to notepad - it will still be an improvement.

Wait they make an algorithm that automatically adjusts misspelled words as you're writing? Whose idiot idea was that? Technology is retarded sometimes.

Where have you been living in the past 5-10 years?

Mirage_GSM wrote:Where have you been living in the past 5-10 years?

If you recall, I literally have not been writing since right around 1998 - shortly after graduation from High School.

Whiel I don't think Yamaku would let Time Warp-tan in (as they do not specialize in peoples with brain/mental problems), concept is interesting. I wonder if this story wander in any particular direction?

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Several minuets later,

Oriental towers?

I think you mean "Slow, stately ballroom dances for two in triple time." What you're thinking of is a minaret.

As for the story, seems somewhat solid so far. Interesting exercise to take an alternate view of so much of the inner workings of the school, and it's interesting how you're taking a serious approach on some joke characters.

With regard to Time-Warp, I think she falls into a grey area. It seems that she has a perception disability. I think the "no mental disabilities" refers more to actual learning disabilities and conditions listed in the DSM. The school is plenty equipped to serve people with all sorts of impediments, but learning disabilities would necessitate special classes and tutoring, which require a ton of resources, while mental illnesses would require psychotherapists and other specialists, rather than general counselors. A cognitive delay is in an entirely different class from the mental issues that would be problematic in an educational setting.

Alright, guys. I get your message. I've never been the best when it comes to editing my work and I'm still quite a bit out of practice, but I'm downloading a new word program to replace my horribly out of date one and I promise to try a bit harder from here out.

You've shamed me into actually doing more work.

Now as for Tana, you do raise a good point about whether she should even be there at he school or not. It honestly wasn't something that I had even considered. While her problem comes from her brain, it never thought of it as a "mental disability." Still, I don't think it's a huge issue, once you get past the fact that it's going to take her longer to respond. I'd imagine that she'd actually be easier to handle from a teacher's point of view than somebody like Shizune that requires a translator or how Lilly's class would need extra consideration.

Although at the same time, it might be a good idea to leave her out of team sports in gym class.

As for the story, seems somewhat solid so far. Interesting exercise to take an alternate view of so much of the inner workings of the school, and it's interesting how you're taking a serious approach on some joke characters.

Thanks. When writing this story, I wanted to see if I was able to make people take a few joke characters seriously and I really wasn't quite sure how it would work. In fact, I still have my doubts about how people will respond to Hachisame once they learn a bit more about her.

Also, I wanted to give people a taste of all that stuff Hisao missed out on by coming in late (as well as thumbing my nose a bit at all those new students in other stories that show up late on the very first day and have to have their teachers meet them to show them to class.)

ProfAllister wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Several minuets later,

Oriental towers?

I think you mean "Slow, stately ballroom dances for two in triple time." What you're thinking of is a minaret.

Now that took some time for someone to notice...

Also, I wanted to give people a taste of all that stuff Hisao missed out on by coming in late (as well as thumbing my nose a bit at all those new students in other stories that show up late on the very first day and have to have their teachers meet them to show them to class.)

Thank you for that!

And no problem with Tana attending Yamaku. I never even thought this might be considered a mental disability. It clearly isn't.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Now that took some time for someone to notice...

The word you're looking for is 'mention'.

And yeah, Tana's disability isn't mental retardarion or anything. It's similar in scope to LeLoush's aphasia. All it does is delay her reactions, not prevent them.

Fan Fiction at the KS.renai is slayin' it this morning.

I really gotta go back and reread this front to back (something I should do with everything, and could do easier if Scizlips and Helbereth weren't so effin' prolific, hahah), but I'm really liking the way this is playing out. I'm getting this vicarious kind of boarding school experience, in addition to a teenage girl experience, and a grim reminder of those days in therapy. Man, that sounded better on my head than in text, but whatever.

Also, this...

It's surreal watching her reaction. For a minute, she seems rather disappointed at what I said, but before she says anything, my jumbled apology comes across and she seems cheerful again. "No biggie. You don't want help; I'll leave you to your business."

... Is why I'm hopelessly in (however you'd corrupt "matrimony" with pseudo-Japanese like how "wife" becomes "waifu") with Tana.

Another enjoyable chapter, I'm really digging this look at some of the inner guts of Yamaku. As others have mentioned, there's a handful of little mistakes strewn about, it really is worth it to always take one or two more passes to comb for things like that before releasing chapters to the world. Even as I say that though, I know that one or two will always slip through, and my own writing is more than a testament to that.
Also:

I'm not even sure if 'councilors' is the right word

I'm pretty sure that "counselors" is actually the one you're looking for in that case.
I would like to see more Time Warp, if you don't mind. For some reason I just really like the way you describe talking to her and how she interacts with the world, especially the part with her guessing ahead in order to speed up conversations. She's just a really interesting character to me.

Freaks and Friends
Part 4

I wake up in a strange room and my eye isn't opening. In my dull-witted half asleep state, I panic. On instinct I bring my hand to my face to rub my eye. As I feel the scar tissue that's replaced it I reminded that there isn't an eye there anymore. Then I remember everything.

I've woken up more or less the same way each day since my accident. Being in a strange bed certainly doesn't help things. It's a terribly depressing way to start the day. I wonder, do other amputees have to remind themselves they're missing body parts when they awaken?

“Other” amputees... I'm part of the missing body parts club now, aren't I?

What a horrible thought to start the day with.

I slide out of bed and change from my pajamas into a purple t-shirt and a pair of baggy cargo pants. In my suitcase, there's an eyepatch that the doctor gave me that mom didn't like me actually wearing. I don't know what her problem was. Having a simple people of cloth over the scar is a lot less off putting that just having a visible wound out in the open. She's not here now, though, so I put it on and look at myself in the mirror.

It's an interesting look. I'm not sure if it's one I like or not. I switch it out for some bandages just to compare the two looks and see what works better. I'd prefer to still have both eyes, but with that choice off the table, I decide to give the eyepatch a chance, at least for the day.

Now that I've horrified myself awake and played little cripple dress-up, I realize I don't know what I'm going to do with the day. I gaze out the window hoping something will catch my attention and inspire me, but nothing does. Instead, the grumbling in my tummy answers the question of what to do first. That brings up another problem. I have no idea where to get food, unless I want to eat of of some vending machines, which I don't. I probably should have asked somebody where the cafeteria was when they were showing me around yesterday.

I suppose I could knock on their doors and ask them, but I'm in the habit of getting up early and there's a good chance they aren't. I'd hate to be rude and wake them. I check the common room and bathroom, just in case, but neither of them is in there. Of course, there isn't anybody anywhere. That would make things too easy.

Okay, time for a new plan. Walk towards the school and if I see anybody, follow them.

Lacking anything that vaguely even resembles confidence, I start down the hall. However, a pleasant aroma changes my idea before I make it out of the building. Somebody is cooking something and it smell good.

I walk to a door that says "dorm kitchen" in sloppily applied stickers and peer inside. It's actually a pretty cool set up. There are several refrigerators. Each of them has a paper taped to it stating that the school isn't responsible for anything left inside. They're also decorated with with quite a few refrigerator magnets that I feel safe in saying the school didn't pick out. There's a dishwasher, two stoves, a microwave, and a few appliances I don't quite recognize.

Standing over one of the stoves with her back to me is a girl with dark hair loosely tied into a ponytail. She's wearing a pink nightgown that looks far too big for her. Tana and Hachisame were pretty hospitable, and I guess Rin was in her own way, I decide I might as well introduce myself. If I'm lucky, she'll be friendly and willing to share whatever that is she's cooking. Even if she isn't in the generous mood, I could at least get directions to the cafeteria.

"Good morning. Nice to see I'm not the only early bird around here," I say announcing my presence. The sounds of her stirring stop and she seems to freeze in place.

"G-Good m-m-morning," she says with a nervous quiet stutter After a second, her hands quickly dart to her hair, releasing it from the ponytail. Even stranger, she seems to be brushing it down to cover her face which is bound to get in her way when she cooks.

"So, what are you up to this early?" I ask mainly just to get her to say something and end the silence that hangs over the room. Every time I say anything to this girl, she flinches and draws back like she's afraid I'm going to attack her. Apparently, not everybody here is as sociable as my new acquaintances.

"T-There's not- not u- usually anybody in -in the k-kitchen this - this early," If it's possible she seems to tense up even more when she talks. She hasn't even turned to face me yet.

"I'm new here. Second day," I say.

"Oh," is all she says in response. I'm really not getting much out of this conversation. I make my way over to where she's cooking to at least get a look at the food.

"Looks good," I tell her. She jumps, not having noticed my approach. For the first time I see what brings her to this school. At least a third of her face is just a mess of scars. I draw back in shock.

God, that's horrible looking. How could anybody survive something like that? It makes me feel nauseous just looking at it. I realize I'm starring and manage to look away before she says anything about it. Hopefully she's the type that's too caught up in her own problems to really notice what others are doing. She seems that way. I suppose I could always play it off as a side effect of just having the one eye if she says anything. 'Yeah. It always looks like I'm starring. I only have one eye. That sounds believable.

"Hey, look, its okay. I'm not going to hurt you," I say in my most calming voice. "You're not the only one that’s gotten a rough break. I lost my eye in an accident recently." I point up to the scars on my own face. She peeks up at me and quickly looks away.

"I-I'm sorry," she whispers.

"I was running with scissors, if you can believe that," I force a laugh. "So, what's your story?"

"I-I-I-I…" She starts.

"I? You what?"

She just stands there a minute, visible trembling. "ILEFTSOMETHINGI'LLBERIGHTBACK!" she blurts out. In a blur of motion, she flicks the stove off and races out of the room, leaving her dish sitting there.

After several minutes, it's obvious that she isn't coming back. I help myself to a small portion of what she was cooking. There's no way she would be able to prove I was the one that took some of it. It's a pasta dish of some kind, macaroni noodles in a sauce. I can't quite tell if she was going for spaghetti sauce or a chili, but whichever it is, she seems to like her foods spicy. Still, I'm not going to complain about free food.

Horrible scars, frightened by basic human contact … I can only imagine what happened to her. Was she attacked somewhere along the line, or maybe even abused? It seems likely. There are some really sick fucks out there in the world. I'd hate to think that somebody threw scalding water or chemicals in her face, or worse, actually lit her on fire, but it seems the safest explanation. As I'm pondering this, I don't even notice my food disappearing until it's finished.

Not knowing where anything is, or having anything else to do, I make my way back to the common room for some TV. I choose a seat where I can keep an eye, my only one I guess, on the door and plop down. At some point, Hachisame, Tana, or even that Rin girl would have to walk by this way. Even if they don't want to do anything, they can at least tell me what there is to do around here.

After a half hour of mindless entertainment, I spot Tana pushing Hachisame by in her wheelchair. Their hair is wet and they're both wearing swimsuits. Hachisame wears a black top and has her towel over her laps covering her from the waist down. Tana's suit is a one piece covered in bright floral print.

"Hey guys," I say jumping up from my seat, more than eager to get away from the horrible shows the aired at this time of day. "What's up?"

"Didn't know you were an early bird," Hachisame waves at me.

"I always get up early," I tell her. Tana continues pushing her for a few feet before noticing me and stopping.

"Good morning," Tana greets me.

"Morning," I say, feeling I've just taken a few steps back in this conversation.

"Give me just a minute to get some clothes on. I'll be right back," Hachisame says, taking the wheels of her chair and disappearing into her room.

"Swimming this morning, I see," I said just trying to start conversation. I'm curious how something like that would work for her, but I'm still feeling a bit too uncomfortable to ask.

When she finally registered that I said something, she grins. "I'm not one for exercise, but I like the pool."

"That's cool. I just might have to join you some morning," I say. Then I wait for her to respond. Small talk isn't exactly easy with her. Conversations don't flow naturally.

"I'll talk to Hachisame. It's more her thing than mine," she shrugs. I feel like I'm missing something here.

"So, she's a big swimmer?" I ask.

Tana chuckles. "Don't get her started because she will not shut up about it if she does. Sometimes I think that's all she did growing up."

"Cool," I say for the sake of having something to say. I nod my head a bit in a meaningless way to go along with it.

"I'm a geek," Tana says out of nowhere. I give her a confused look, or at least I try to. I still haven't checked to see how my expressions come across with just one eye yet. I keep meaning to sit down and do that, but I don't exactly like looking in the mirror much anymore.

"I thought you were going to ask about my interests next. My bad," Tana's face seems rather apologetic, more than the situation requires. "Anyway, I'm a geek. Water is her thing. That's my thing. Manga, computers, and old school videogames. Ones that don't require reflexes, you know? Strategy, visual novel, old 16 and 8-bit RPGs, those things. How about you? What stuff are you into?"

"I just hung out with my friends a lot. We'd go to the mall and talk about stuff and sometimes catch a movie." I try to think about what I used to do just a few weeks ago, and I really have a hard time coming up with anything interesting.

"Friends are awesome," Tana says in a way that makes me wonder if she had just guessed wrong again but she never corrects herself.

Hachisame returns a few minutes later. She's changed into a loose ankle length denim skirt and an equally baggy collared work shirt that's a darker shade of blue. She also has on a rather interesting necklace. It looks like something a caveman would wear.

"Like it?" she asks, noticing me looking at her choice in jewelry. "Genuine shark teeth. The big one's a great white," she holds out the necklace so I can get a better view of it, "neat, huh?"

"Great, she's starting again," Tana said in a mumble that I believe we were meant to hear.

Hachisame gives her a playfully angry look. "We can talk about interesting things later, when we don't have the nerd with us," she teases. We both look over at Tana waiting for her to respond. Remarkably, she keeps a straight face.

"You get used to her. She's like this all the time. Sometimes a girl could get the feeling she isn't loved around here," Tana responds with mock sadness.

Hachisame motions for me to come closer and whispers far too loudly for it to be meant as a secret, "It's true. I hate her," she raises her voice a little, "but don't tell her that." I giggle a little bit, which breaks into a full laugh when I see Tana's pouting face.

"See what I told you? No love," Tana says, pretending to be upset.

"Aww… I'm sorry. You know I love you," Hachisame smiles, "… but only when you're asleep." Time Warp starts to respond, but Hachisame talks over her. "Go get your clothes on. We'll head to town and get breakfast." She turned to me. "You ate yet?"

"Not really," I say. I have, but I don't really have anything else to do, and it'd be a good opportunity to see the town.

I really like this story; I think I've mentioned that. This time, I decided to read with a more critical eye and point out some of the incongruities and flaws that mar an otherwise excellent read.

urple t-shirt

Starting small, this looks like a minor typographical error. Purple, I assume?

There's no way she would be able to prove I was the one that I was the one that took some of it.

Time-Warp-Chan made you do that, I surmise. Either that or you were editing something together and didn't notice you repeated the same five words twice.

"I'll talk to Hachisame. It's more her thing than mine." She shrugs a bit.

I don't mean to be a bother, but something simple like this ought to get pointed out. If a piece of quoted dialogue ends with a period and there's more written as part of the sentence afterward, use a comma instead of a period and don't capitalize the following word (unless it's a pronoun, of course). You actually do this the right way about half the time, so I'm guessing you're just glazing it over when you edit.
Thus: "I'll talk to Hachisame. It's more her thing than mine," she shrugs a bit.

you know, stuff the ones that don't actually require reflexes.

Normally I don't point out dialogue (this being a bit of Tana's) since it's prone to be filled with colloquialisms, slang and other assorted characterizations, but her using the word 'stuff' seems out of place there.

"Genuine shark teeth. The big one's a great white," he said holding out the necklace so I can get a better view of it. "Neat, huh?"

Hachisame turned into a man? Also, you can treat a quoted remark at the end with similar care:
view of it, "neat, huh?"

You've also gotten into a habit of skipping the use of speech adverbs around your dialogue sometimes. It doesn't really disrupt anything to not use them, but it lowers the quality a little. Try not to make it habitual.

There's a few tense issues here and there; are you writing in past or present tense? It seems to change between lines sometimes. It's something I have to catch myself doing a lot, though so it's hardly surprising - it's one of those weird effects.

Otherwise, it flows nicely, the dialogue works, and the scene with Hanako (that was Hanako, right?) was fitting. Sorry if I've angered you with my critical perspective.

Glad to see more of this story. Helbereth already pointed out pretty much all of the mechanical problems that I noticed, it's still looking like you need to take a little more time to review and polish before posting. Not to say that I didn't enjoy this chapter, although we didn't really learn much. While the scene with Hanako was interesting, and you can of course include whatever you want in your own story, I felt like it kind of detracted from the previous focus on things in and about Yamaku that we haven't really seen before. We learned a little about Tana and Hitomi's interests, and you teased us about Hachisame's swimming a little more, but not much else really happened. Still, it was a fairly short chapter, so that's not a dealbreaker.