Katawa Shoujo Forums

griffon8 wrote:

Chrono180 wrote:Could you give me some pointers? What should I work on? What are my strong points?

It's a lot of little things. Poor punctuation, incorrect capitalization, and some cringe-worthy dialogue.

The other major comment I have is about Shizune and Lilly's relationship. Your story takes place after Lilly's good end, I'd think in part because that's the only path that keeps her in Japan. There was already the beginning of a reconciliation between them in that path, so having them start a reconciliation in your story is a little odd. It's also very abrupt and doesn't seem to affect anything.

That's a good catch. I probably should have remedied that, as I mentioned that once and then didn't bring it up again. A blunder, I admit. The capitalization and punctuation I fully admit I need to work on. I am absolutely terrible at proofreading myself, and don't really have anyone to do it for me. I don't suppose you have any ideas on how to solve it? Copy editors cost 20$ an hour so that's out the window.

And cringe-worthy dialog...I fully admit that is hard for me to hear, as I thought dialog was one of my strong points. Could you elaborate on where/how I am lacking and provide suggestions on how to fix it? I admit I only started writing as a hobby six months ago, so my skill is likely quite unrefined. If you can point out specific instances as well as what is wrong with them, I will attempt to fix it in future stories.

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Chrono180 wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, having everyone being virtually indestructible is a surefire way to take tension out of a story...
Or if you want to put them in real danger, the story could get pretty gory quickly.
So is this godstone stuff actually x-men canon, or did you make that up?

I made it up. and I suppose possibly thats a good point, it too late to change it now. I can tell you they don't play a huge role in the rest of the story, just a moderate one. Anything else?

If it plays only a minor role in the story, why is it too late to change it?

Too be honest, making a such a change to already established story material just doesn't...sit right with me. It's hard to explain, but it feels wrong. Also, there is a very distinct possibility I will want to work more with that plot point in future stories, so I don't know if I really want to take it out.

Oddball wrote:

Chrono180 wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:Well, having everyone being virtually indestructible is a surefire way to take tension out of a story...
Or if you want to put them in real danger, the story could get pretty gory quickly.
So is this godstone stuff actually x-men canon, or did you make that up?

I made it up. and I suppose possibly thats a good point, it too late to change it now. I can tell you they don't play a huge role in the rest of the story, just a moderate one. Anything else?

Aww. the immortality/healing factor stuff doesn't play a big role? I'm sad to hear. You have some potentially good subplots there.

So, healing factors can't change already existing conditions. We'll work with that. Most of their characters are used to the way they are, but Hisao and Hanako have some story potential.

So Hisao can still get heart attacks, he just can't die from them. How does that change him? Is he going to start pushing himself more knowing he'll be alright after a bit of (excruciating) pain? If so, how would the others react to the fact that he pushing himself to the point where he has heat attacks on a fairly regular basis?

What about Hanako? No matter how badly she gets hurt, her body is going to regrown the scar tissue back. That can't be an easy thing for her to take. It might not even be something she's started to think about, but suppose she gets really hurt and watches her good skin regrow. Once she gets the nerve up to try something to cut away her scars, how would she handle them just growing right back?

For Hisao, I didn't expand too much on that in this story, but if/when I write sequels, that will be something I want to bring up. As for Hanako...Without giving too much away, lets just say in the next few chapters she gets her hearts desire and is utterly traumatized as a result.

Chrono180 wrote: “Happy Birthday, sweetie.” Lilly said, planting a kiss on Hisao's neck.

“Thank you,” Hisao responded and smiled, hugging his girlfriend, “Can't believe I'm twenty-two, huh?”

“Four years has certainly flown by. You're more wonderful each day.”

“Aw thanks.”

Hisao's neck? Really?

And I didn't think people ever talked so lovey-dovey outside of parodies.

Leaving aside the first line for you to correct however you wish—but be aware that first period should be a comma—I'd rewrite the rest like this:

“Thank you,” Hisao responded, hugging his girlfriend. “Hard to believe I'm twenty-two, huh?”

“Four years has certainly flown by. You're more wonderful each day.”

His face coloring, Hisao could only respond with “Ah… thanks. You too.” Lilly giggled at his discomfort over the compliment.

Still shows lots of love, but also shows they're aware of how silly what Lilly says is.

griffon8 wrote:

Chrono180 wrote: “Happy Birthday, sweetie.” Lilly said, planting a kiss on Hisao's neck.

“Thank you,” Hisao responded and smiled, hugging his girlfriend, “Can't believe I'm twenty-two, huh?”

“Four years has certainly flown by. You're more wonderful each day.”

“Aw thanks.”

Hisao's neck? Really?

And I didn't think people ever talked so lovey-dovey outside of parodies.

Leaving aside the first line for you to correct however you wish—but be aware that first period should be a comma—I'd rewrite the rest like this:

“Thank you,” Hisao responded, hugging his girlfriend. “Hard to believe I'm twenty-two, huh?”

“Four years has certainly flown by. You're more wonderful each day.”

His face coloring, Hisao could only respond with “Ah… thanks. You too.” Lilly giggled at his discomfort over the compliment.

Still shows lots of love, but also shows they're aware of how silly what Lilly says is.

I see...Damnit. I fully admit I am not very good at writing love-talk dialog. Any ideas how to improve? And are there any parts of my fic that are actually any good? Right now I'm hearing "This is bad, this is bad, this is awful." Am I really that bad a writer?

And should I go back and rewrite the parts of the fic I already posted or is that a big no-no?

Hey, there wouldn't be complaining if there wasn't stuff we liked. There's a big difference between 'I think this part is bad' and 'I think the whole thing sucks'. My single favorite part was Rin taking out Bushwacker.

Like any creative endeavor, you get better with practice. I've heard about the art teacher who says, "You've got 50,000 bad pictures in you; start getting them out."

Rewriting is never bad. Just let people know if you do it with a new post.

I see...Damnit. I fully admit I am not very good at writing love-talk dialog. Any ideas how to improve? And are there any parts of my fic that are actually any good? Right now I'm hearing "This is bad, this is bad, this is awful." Am I really that bad a writer?

You have some interesting ideas. I think one thing that might help is going back over your dialog and acting it out. See how it actually sounds when spoken aloud. If it doesn't sound right, you can change it or you can have a character comment on it.

If the dialog goes on too long, cut it down. You don't have to explain everything.

griffon8 wrote:Hey, there wouldn't be complaining if there wasn't stuff we liked. There's a big difference between 'I think this part is bad' and 'I think the whole thing sucks'. My single favorite part was Rin taking out Bushwacker.

Like any creative endeavor, you get better with practice. I've heard about the art teacher who says, "You've got 50,000 bad pictures in you; start getting them out."

Rewriting is never bad. Just let people know if you do it with a new post.

Yeah, practice makes perfect. Should i post the next part now or wait a little longer? There's a lot less love-talk in subsequent parts, as well as less exposition.

Oddball wrote:

I see...Damnit. I fully admit I am not very good at writing love-talk dialog. Any ideas how to improve? And are there any parts of my fic that are actually any good? Right now I'm hearing "This is bad, this is bad, this is awful." Am I really that bad a writer?

You have some interesting ideas. I think one thing that might help is going back over your dialog and acting it out. See how it actually sounds when spoken aloud. If it doesn't sound right, you can change it or you can have a character comment on it.

If the dialog goes on too long, cut it down. You don't have to explain everything.

Probably a good idea. I may give that a shot.

Chapter 8. Black King takes White Queen.

“Hanako? Who is she?” Betsy asked.

“The closest friend I have after Lilly. Very kind girl, very sweet. Used to have major society anxiety but she has come a long way in overcoming it. Apparently she disappeared last night, and from the looks of her room she did not go quietly.”

“Signs of a struggle?”

“The window was shattered, her room trashed, and the letters A-P-O-C were carved into her wall, so I'd say-”

Hisao immediately noticed the look on Betsy's face. She was scared. There was no other way to describe it. Hisao had pegged her as one of the X-men who was pretty much unflappable, but he had been proven wrong.

“I-” Hisao began but she cut him off.

“Shit.” she swore, then looked up at Hisao. “This is bad. Very bad.”

Hisao looked at her

Psylocke winced “Apocalypse. Very old mutant, very powerful. One of the most evil being to have ever existed. Has repeatedly attempted to exterminate humanity. He has a tendency to take people he perceives as having an inner strength and turning them into his 'horsemen'. Makes them incredibly powerful, but mind controlled into serving him. It happened to someone I was... very close to.” She wrung her hands nervously.

“Will she be alright?” Hisao asked. It was a stupid question, he realized after he said it.


“Well, if we can find her fast enough, we can avoid any problems. If not.” Betsy thought a moment “If a horseman has strong enough emotional ties to a person or group of people, those bonds can snap the victim out of it. If not a powerful psychic might be able to.”

“Would I be powerful enough?”

“ At your skill level? Doubtful. Besides, I thought you didn't want a combat role?”

“There are a few people I'd would be willing to die for. Hanako is one. I swear, if this Apocalypse has hurt her, I'll kill him.” He gritted his teeth.

Psyclock looked at him, “She means that much to you?”

Hisao nodded his head vigorously, “Let me put it this way, I would sooner have someone tear my heart out than have had this happen.”

“I see.... I'll get the others on this. We'll let you join the rescue organization when we find her, if you want, but you should know that there's a very real chance she'll try to kill you.”

“I understand. And I'll take the risk.”








In the X-corps danger room, Shizune had just finished a runthrough of program 405: “Sentinel attack.” She stopped and wiped the sweat from her brow. Misha was taking a break,but she wanted to run a few more simulations. She walked over to the control panel. Looking through the catalog of programs she scrolled down the list. “Hellfire club ambush?” “Morlock uprising?” “ “Mr Sinister's Marauders?” That last one sounded interesting. She made her selection and the danger room formed into an underground labatory. With a “simulation beginning” seven figures formed in the area and turned to attack. One of them, “Arclight”, began blowing up the floor while another called “Riptide” began spinning his body at high speeds. As Shizune dodged behind a pile of rubble, she felt a surge of dizziness. She poked her head up, isolated the one called “vertigo” then let out a large lance of energy. The woman failed to dodge and took lethal damage.
Shizune then felt someone lunge behind her. Spinning around, she let out another blast at the big brute lunging at her. It connected, and the hologram identified as “Blockbuster” winced in pain. Pressing the advantage, she let out another jolt, which struck the man in his eyeball. He fell to the ground, and Shizune blasted his head off. “Two down” she thought.
A wave of bullets struck above her head, pinned her down. “Scalphunter” she analyzed. “Ok, Prism and Scrambler cannot reach me with Scalphunter, Riptide, and Arclight firing this way, but I can't poke me head up and check. Lets see.” She let out a blast at the ceiling a distance away and pile of rubble fell onto the enemies. Leaping up, she concentrated her fire at the slightly stunned Scalphunter, who she figured to be the most dangerous. The man let off several more shots, but Shizune was able to dodge, albit barely. Scalphunter fell quickly, and she then blasted at Riptide, who was still recovering. Then she felt a hand grab her. “Scrambler” she realized, and then felt herself explode. A massive wave of energy emitted from her, taking out the remaining enemies. She blinked as the simulation shut down

“Ok, not the most ideal victory, but a win is a win.” She thought. “Though I doubt he'd make that mistake in real life.”

“Actually he has.” a voice invaded her thoughts. Shizune jumped two feet in the air in surprise. She hadn't hear anything since the infection she suffered at six years old, so the new arrival came as a major shock. Standing across the room was a blue skinned man in a yellow robe. “I must say, I'm impressed” the man thought into her brain “Most X-men take years to beat that simulation, you managed it in mere weeks.”

[I don't think I've met you before. Are you telepathic? Is that why I can hear you?] Shizune signed

“Among uncountable other talents, yes. I am the Grandmaster. I have scrutinized you from afar, Shizune, and you intrigue me.”

[So, you're an X-man?]

“Don't be absurd. I am an Elder of the Universe. I have spent untold billions of years learning strategy about games and in pursuit of competition. I wish to play a game with you.”

[Me? Why me?]

“Because I sense you are analogous to myself. You too are very competitive in every aspect of your life. It would indulge me to juxtapose our techniques. “

[Very well then, I accept. What do you want to play?]

“I believe chess is traditional among your race, is it not?”

[And the stakes?]

The Grandmaster chuckled “How about this. If you lose, we will spend an hour talking about you and your life.”

[That's a lot less high stakes that I thought it would be]

“Well, there is nothing you can offer that I have any interest in. I am playing with you singularly because I think you can give me some decent competition.”

[I see. And what will you give me if I win?]

“A miracle.”

The grandmaster motioned and the two of them teleported into a small round room with a chess board on a table. The two of them sat down and began to play.

About an hour later. Shizune stared at the board. No way she could win this. It had been close a few times, but she just couldn't quite get there. She stared at the few remaining pieces on the board. Finally, she smiled and moved her bishop.

[Stalemate.] she signed

The Grandmaster laughed “Very good for a human.” he thought to her, then chuckled.

[Play again, same stakes?] Shizune asked

“Of course!”

The next game was much quicker, but had the same result. Stalemate in the endgame. So was the third. After the third game, Shizune looked at her watch and signed

[I need to return to the X-corp. Time for my date with Misha.]

“Misha? You date a female?”

[Yes. I know it's unusual, but-]

“Actually its commonplace in 76.4% of the universe's space sectors. I thought this planet prohibited such relationships, however.”

[In many places they are, but Japan is fairly liberal about this kind of thing. I fully admit that I have difficulty accepting the situation though.]

“So, you dislike her.”

[Don't be ridiculous. I love Misha. I just have a mental 'block' I'm still trying to get over. But I'm working on it. I don't know if you understand.]

“I do actually.” The Grandmaster's mental tone changed oddly. “I was romantically inclined towards a woman of the Tre-alter caste on my homeworld, but I was of Non-valtur caste. Thus, I abandoned any inclination of romanticizing her. ”

[What was she like?]

“She was an artisan. A sculptor, to be precise. Extrodinarly skilled in Confluctory forms and Vertisaly style... ” for a moment Shizune thought the Grandmaster's features softened, but then his features hardened again.

“I'll return you to your dwelling..” The Grandmaster said.

This was probably yur weakest chapter so far.

Now your dialogue was a good deal better here than in most chapters, but there were a few major flaws.

The Grandmaster stuff seemed to come out of nowhere. A little bit of buildup could have helped that.
The danger room sequence wasn't bad, but hitting enter and leaving a blank line in-between paragraphs could have helped make it more readable.

Finally, the exposition for Apocalypse fell flat to me. Let's try for a little bit less specific information and a little bit more conversation and emotion.

Let's try a few changes.

“The window was shattered, her room trashed, and the letters A-P-O-C were carved into her wall, so I'd say-”

Hisao immediately noticed the look on Betsy's face. She was scared. There was no other way to describe it. Hisao had pegged her as one of the X-men who was pretty much unflappable, but he had been proven wrong.

“I-” Hisao began but she cut him off.

“Shit.” she swore, then looked up at Hisao. “This is bad. Very bad.”

Hisao looked at her. "What does A-P-O-C mean?"

Psylocke winced “Apocalypse. He's an immortal mutant, more cruel and more powerful than you could imagine. He lives by the belief that the strong should murder the weak." She wrung her hands nervously. "The good new is that if he's taken her, he thinks she's strong."

"Hanako couldn't hurt anybody. She feels bad if she has to raise her voice." Part of Hisao wanted to believe this was all a mistake.

"He has a tendency to take people he perceives as having an inner strength and turning them into his 'horsemen'. He changes them. He makes them stronger but twists their minds into soulless killers loyal only to his code." She paused for a moment. "I've seen it happen to people I've cared about." the last sentence was delivered more slowly and subdued than the rest. There was something here that she didn't want to say. Hisao didn't need to read minds to pick that much up.

“Will she be alright?” Hisao asked. It was a stupid question, he realized after he said it.

"Well, if we can find her fast enough, we can avoid any problems. If not.” Betsy thought a moment “If a horseman has strong enough emotional ties to a person or group of people, those bonds can snap the victim out of it. If not a powerful psychic might be able to.”

“Would I be powerful enough?”

“ At your skill level? Doubtful. Besides, I thought you didn't want a combat role?”

“There are a few people I'd would be willing to die for. Hanako is one. I swear, if this Apocalypse has hurt her, I'll kill him.” He gritted his teeth.

Psylocke looked at him, “She means that much to you?”

Hisao nodded his head vigorously, “Let me put it this way, I would sooner have someone tear my heart out than have had this happen.”

“I see.... I'll get the others on this. We'll let you join the rescue organization when we find her, but there's something you need to understand. When you see her next, she might not be your friend anymore. She might try to kill you.”

“... I think I understand. Thank you... for letting me join in on this."

I'm sorry, but this is getting just too "out there" for me. I have no idea what's going on anymore at this point, maybe that's because I've never been a fan of comics and haven't read a marvel comic in about 8 or so years, but I just can't understand this anymore.

Oddball wrote:This was probably yur weakest chapter so far.

Now your dialogue was a good deal better here than in most chapters, but there were a few major flaws.

The Grandmaster stuff seemed to come out of nowhere. A little bit of buildup could have helped that.
The danger room sequence wasn't bad, but hitting enter and leaving a blank line in-between paragraphs could have helped make it more readable.

Finally, the exposition for Apocalypse fell flat to me. Let's try for a little bit less specific information and a little bit more conversation and emotion.

Let's try a few changes.

I'll be completely honest and admit this criticism is very hard for me to hear. I mean, I worked very hard on the fic and to hear it just isn't that good...I fully admit it hurts. Do you have any advice on improving my writing so that its better? Pratice, obviously, but the way you rewrote that part just atounds me considering how greatly improved it is from what I wrote.

Chapter 9: Sacrifice

Shizune materialized just outside her room. Misha was there and immediately turned to her.

[There you are! I've been looking all over for you.] Misha signed

[Sorry, some cosmic entity called the Grandmaster wanted to play chess with me, it took longer than expected.] Shizune replied

[The who?]

[Didn't you read the files? Immortal cosmic gamester. Near as I can tell, he's bored. And lonely, from what I can tell, he doesn't have anyone to be with. Unlike us.]

Misha blushed and gave a smile, then replied [Took me a bit to get home, Psylocke was holding a meeting with the others. Something big apparently.]

[What about?]

[Not sure, they told me to get going. 'Not a job for the new guys' Wolverine said, so I just went here.” Misha gave another big grin, then added [You ready?]

[In all the time you have known me, have I ever been not ready?]

[Point taken. Let's go then.]




“So Emi,” Max said as they sat in a restaurant, “what got you into running?”

Emi shifted around in a her seat “It's just what I do. I mean, when I run I can lose focus on everything but the track. It gives me a sort of peace.”

“I see, but what caused you to begin?”

“Oh, I just have been running since I was a kid,” Emi gave Max a grin, “I can't even remember when I first started.”

“Ah,” Max nodded

“Have you made any progress on your memories?”

“Some,” Max admitted, “I remember that the reason I couldn't touch people is that doing so would cause anyone who made skin contact to be turned into a steel statue. I suppose it was something I inherited from my parents.”

“Your parents? They had a deathtouch too?”

“My mom did. You know Rogue? The X-man?”

“I've heard about her in the news.”

“She was my mother.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. And my dad was Magneto.”

Emi gave Max a surprised look, “Really? Your dad's a terrorist and your mother an X-man?”

“Reformed terrorist, mind you. Rogue convinced him to make amends for his past actions...It's a long story. Anyway, for a long time my mom was unable to touch people as well, but she got cured. And I did too. Why however...just lucky I guess.” He laughed, “I'm so glad to have met you, I mean...You're fun.”

Emi grinned “Well, I'm glad we met too. You're pretty entertaining yourself.”

Max smiled “So, what is your family like?”

“My mom is a very sweet person, very considerate. You'd like her.”

“And your father?”

Emi's face clouded over, “I'd rather not talk about him.”

Max gave a worried look, “Why, did he abuse you?”

Emi shook her head, “No, no. He was a great man. I just... Please don't ask me about him. Please.”

Max put his hand on Emi's shoulder, “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pried. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm more than willing to listen.”

“That's nice of you Max, but this is something I have to go through alone.”

“Emi, that's not true.”

Emi gave him a puzzled look “What do you mean?”

“Emi, one thing I have learned from life is that no matter what you go through, you are never alone. There is always someone somewhere who is going through something very similar to what you go through. I know what it's like to feel like you have to endure things without help. When my deathtouch manifested I felt like I would never be able to get close to anyone. I felt that way for years. But then I met this girl, Jennifer Takeda, who emitted uncontrollable radiation, and had to spend the rest of her life in a containment suit. She supported me and I supported her. We never actually made a relationship, but we became close friends. I know we've only been together a few weeks, but I hear you crying in the night and it breaks my heart. I know you've said that its 'just nightmares' but I care about you, and if there's anything I can do for you, I will do it.”

“Max, I know you mean well...” Emi searched for the words, then winced slightly, “I don't know. Look, I'm okay, alright? I don't need somebody to support me.”

“I know you don't need it, but do you want it?”

Emi looked sad, “I'm fine Max, really.”

“If you ever want to talk, I can listen.”

Emi gave Max a very long look, then finally shook her head vigorously.

“You said that already. But I'll keep it in mind.”




Misha stared at Shizune, watching as her girlfriend fidgeted in her seat

[Something wrong Shicchan?] She signed.

[I just...] Shizune shook her head [This isn't working.]

[What, the restaurant?]

[No, my mental block. I'm trying, I really am, it just... It's not working. It's still getting in the way. It's hard to explain]

[Shicchan, you're too hard on yourself. Let me take a stab at how you feel. You have a lot of guilt over your bisexuality that you're still working through, so you're trying to cover it up by training with me, which is a safe activity. But you feel bad about sticking to 'safe' activities, which makes you feel even more guilty about your relationship with me, since you feel like you're neglecting me. This perpetuates a sort of cycle. Is that about right?]

Shizune did a double take [That's exactly it. How did you know?]

[I know how you think. But stop beating yourself up. I don't mind, really. I just want you to be comfortable with yourself. That's the most important part. I'll wait for you for however long you need.]

[Misha. I-] Shizune paused [Thank you. You really shouldn't have to wait, but thank you for being patient with me.]

[No problem. It's what lovers do, right? Be patient with each other. I love you Shicchan.]

[I love you too Misha.]

Shizune got up from her seat and gave Misha a quick hug before sitting back down again.


The next day...

“Why the hell didn't you tell us about this?” Misha shouted at Psylocke. Anger was clearly evident in her tone of voice, a rarity for her.

Shizune glared at the ninja, but didn't sign anything. Less out of not knowing what to say and more due the fact that she felt if she unclasped her hands, she'd punch someone. Instead, she took deep breaths and tried hard to calm the rising anger.

“The general consensus was that the two of you are too inexperienced to go on a mission of this caliber.” Her voice was calm, though Misha could tell her patients was being tried. “And we were unaware the two of you knew her.”

“Not enough training? We've been working our butts off! And Hanako's our friend! You have no idea...” Misha threw a punch, but Besty grabbed her wrist in mid-flight. Her measured expression didn't change in the slightest, and as soon as she caught the wrist she gave it a sharp twist. Misha let out a small yelp in pain.

“I will admit that it was a mistake to keep you out of the loop. We will let you join in once she is located. And yes, I fully acknowledge how hard you've been performing. I'm sorry.”

“Damn right you should be sorry!” Misha shook her head and signed to Shizune, [Let's go. Maybe we'll find something if we search ourselves. Since apparently the others don't think enough of us to let us join in.]

Shizune grabbed Misha's hand and they stormed out of the office.








Four days later, Hisao trudged down the street. He was horribly worried about Hanako. Despite the X-men's best efforts, they had been unable to locate his friend, and she was probably suffering horribly while Apocalypse did god-knows-what to her. Lilly was even more worried than Hisao, and spent every waking moment searching the city with her “molecule sense”. It wasn't working, likely as supervillains tended to live in fancy hidden bases in the middle of nowhere or giant fortresses obvious to anyone who looked in their general area, Hisao thought. but it was the only way she could deal with her anxiety. Hisao hated feeling so helpless. His best friend was gone. Disappeared. Missing in action. And there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could have done. He gave a withering look to nobody in particular, then noticed a nearby billboard on a nearby auditorium“Genetic Alteration and Subsequent Practical Applications.” It read. Hisao sighed and walked into the building. He wasn't sure why, maybe just to take his mind off everything. Science tended to help with that. Truthfully, he wasn't sure if he should take his mind off the issue, as he worried if he did so he would miss an important clue or event, but despite that, he walked into the lecture hall and plunked himself down in an empty seat.



“Now, one might consider the potential dangers of such technology” the scientist was explaining “Especially considering the minimal oversight of governing bodies on metahumans. Since registration acts have fallen out of favor ever since the great superhero strike of '07, powered individuals are only held in check by other powered individuals. If this kind of technology is perfected, the number of superhuman fights would likely increase exponentially. The current system would likely prove to be unsustainable without greater-

It was at that point the wall exploded inwards. Four individuals appeared through the gap, standing on a floating platform. The first was a large brute wielding a large axe, the second was a winged figure with a sword in each hand, the third was a small man with small insects circulated all around him, and the fourth was a skinny lady. All four were clad in metal armor and yellow skull masks that obscured any details of their faces or bodies. The crowd was panicking.

“War, Pestilence,” The winged figure said “Slay the scientists and then start on the crowd. Famine, locate the research and destroy it.”

“Aye sir” the brute and the man with the insects states at the same time.

“Very well.” The lady said. Hisao did a double take. Her voice...Crap, thats Hanako! He thought. Hisao grabbed his phone and pressed the speed dial.

“Logan!” he screamed into the receiver “The horsemen are here!”

“Eh? Hisao?”

“Hanako's here too, she'd been transformed. I'm going to try to reason with her, but you need to get your ass down here and take on the other three.”

“Hisao, don't do anything stupid. Hide out until we arrive-” Logan began to instruct, but Hisao cut him off.

“NO! I'm not going to stand by with my best friend turned into some kind of supervillain! Hurry!” He hung up and began to fight against the crowd. This was a goddamn nightmare, like something out of one of those American comic books Kenji tried to share with him.

“HANAKO!” he shouted, as the girl ran down into a nearby hall “HANAKO!”

Realizing he was being slowed down by the crowd, he focused hard on “MOVE” and projected it in to every mind around him. There wasn't much room, but enough people got the suggestion and ducked out the way for him to reach the hall Hanako was heading down. Fortunately it was empty of people, and he could see the figure at the end of the hall. Mentally, he reached out. Her mind was in turmoil, that much was clear. He could sense that a second, extremely nasty, personality had been inserted in her brain and her actual mind was being contained in a sort of psychic prison. He hit the wall of the prison with a surge of psychic energy, but it remained intact.

“HANAKO!” he shouted as the figure turned toward him. His heart was starting to pound, but he tried to ignore it.

“Who are you?” Hanako asked

“It's me, Hisao! You need to stop this!”

Hisao felt himself being gripped by and invisible hand and pulled towards Hanako. He continued trying to pound away at her mental cage, but to no avail. The movement stopped when he was a few feet from her armored figure, but the grip remained.

“You are in my way” her voice was like ice, “Time to die.”

“Hanako, please! Fight this!” Hisao pleaded. He launched a psychic salvo at the mental barriers in her mind, but they did not give.

Hanako started squeezing him with her force field. Hisao let out a cry of pain.

“Hmm, you seem resistant to the crushing.” Hanako responded “No matter, I have another way.” She held up a hand, and Hisao screamed as pressure built up in his brain. He realized he couldn't break the barrier in her mind. Only she could do that. He concentrated at the pain built.

Hanako watched as she saw Hisao's head explode from the inside out.

Now the question is will hisao actually stay dead, or like every other superhero get revived in some way....

Guest wrote:Now the question is will hisao actually stay dead, or like every other superhero get revived in some way....

If you're familiar with the uses of telepathy, you can probably guess that not everything is as it appears...

The important words are "She saw"...
Anyway, I wonder why Lilly didn't do a little CSI work in Hanako's apartment...

Mirage_GSM wrote:The important words are "She saw"...
Anyway, I wonder why Lilly didn't do a little CSI work in Hanako's apartment...

Very good. Exactly why I phrased it that way.

Short version is, she did but couldn't extract any useful information. Long version is, I wasn't able to come up with a good path for the plot if that had worked.


Chapter 10: Trauma

And just like that the cage in Hanako's mind shattered and her real personality surged to the forefront. And with that, she realized exactly what she had done. Hisao was dead. Her best friend in the entire world was dead. And she had killed him.

She let out a strangled cry and slumped to the ground. Nothing mattered now. There was nothing she could do to make amends for what happened.

“What have I done.” she whispered. “Oh my god. What have I done.”

She was a monster, plain and simply. One of the only people she had ever met who showed her true kindess, and she had repaid him by stabbing him in the back. She wanted to die.

“It's...alright.” a voice said. “I'm... fine.”

“Hisao?” She whispered, and looked up to see Hisao standing over her. He was clutching his chest and breathing heavily. But he was alive. Hanako looked around, there was not a bit of blood on the ground “H-how..?” she got out before staring to cry again

“Got...in your head...Made you think... you hurt me.” He winced slightly and focused. A few moments later, the pain in his chest went away and he went over to Hanako and put his arms around her.


“It's okay.” he said softly“Mind control is a nasty business, but you're better now.”

“I-I...I would've k-killed p-people....”

“But you didn't. No harm, no foul, right?” Hisao wasn't sure how to comfort her, honestly. The entire situation seemed so surreal, like out of a movie. In the span of days, he had gained superpowers, met two girls from another universe, and then... this had happened. And he would have given up almost anything to have prevented it.

Hanako didn't respond, just continued sobbing in her helmet.

“Is she okay?” a voice said. Hisao glanced over to see a girl walking up. She was around twenty years old, had dark black hair and was dressed in one of the X-men's battle uniforms. Two metal claws on her hands were being pulled back into her wrists as she walked up.

“No, I-I'm not.” Hanako sobbed, “Oh god, what I m-might have done...”

“Is the situation under control?” Hisao asked

X-23 nodded “Voidstar and Hardhead were near Rin when we got your call, so when we contacted those two, the artist was able to teleport all us over here. The other three horsemen were taken down few moments ago.” She then looked at Hanako sadly and kneeled over to her

“You'll be alright.” She said.

“N-no, I won't...” Hanako choked out “I would've killed Hisao. I am such a horrible person.”

“Don't say that.” Hisao gently chided her “Don't ever say that. You are the most beautiful soul I know. Being mind controlled doesn't change that in the least.”

“I w-would've killed you. And I love you Hisao, you and Lilly are the c-closest thing I have to family. I would've k-killed my family. What does that say about me?”

“It says you are a victim of unfortunate circumstance,” X-23 said,“Listen Hanako, I actually did kill my family, but it wasn't my fault. I was mind controlled, much as you were. This isn't your fault. Take it from someone who knows.”

“I s-should have been stronger...I couldn't fight it.”

X-23 shook her head “There is not a single superhero on the planet who hasn't been in this circumstance at least once. The important thing is that nobody was hurt by you.”

“T-they might have been.”

“But they weren't,” Hisao said “Going what-if what-if what-if will only make you feel worse.” He released his hug, adjusted his sitting position and then hugged her again. “I love you Hanako, please don't blame yourself for this.”

Hisao and X-23 sat with Hanako for a long while as she cried herself out. Finally the tears sounded like they were slowing down.

“H-Hisao” she said, a bit more calmly “I would n-never want to hurt you.”

“I know that,” Hisao said “You're a good person. A very good person. One of the best, in fact.”

“P-Please don't hate me.”

“I could never hate you. You mean so much to me. I love you Hanako, you and Lilly are my world.”

Hanako's tears finally stopped.

“T-Thank you”. She finally said. She took a few deep breaths and added “Um...I n-need to get this helmet off. D-don't be alarmed, there's been a change.” Hisao nodded. Hanako took another deep breath, and with one swift motion yanked the mask off her head and threw it to the side. Hisao's mouth dropped open. Her scars were gone. Where the right side of her face had been horribly burned, it was now unblemished skin. She then undid the armor she was wearing and shook off the gauntlets, leaving her in a a sleeveless tank top that showed the damage to her body had been repaired as well.

“Hanako.” Hisao said, stunned, and hugged her again, even tighter than before “You're healed! Apocalypse healed you?”

Hanako shrugged “Yes. I g-guess.” she said

“That's wonderful!” Hisao then saw the hurt look on her face “Isn't this what you wanted?”

“It was,” Hanako said softly “but not in this way. Not at all in this way. It wasn't worth it. Not in the least.”

Hisao looked at her sadly. “I...” he finally said “I thought you would've been ecstatic to be healed. I just... I want you to be happy Hanako. You are the most genuine person I know, and I thought...”

“I know Hisao. That's who you are. Always thinking about the people around you, to the point you'd be willing to die for them.” Hanako winced at the thought, “If I had actually killed you? I never would have recovered from that. Ever.” Tears formed in her eyes again.

Hisao gave her another hug. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't able to keep you from being kidnapped. I'm sorry I couldn't find you while you were missing. I'm sorry I had to make you think you killed me. I should have.. I should have prevented this.”

Hanako gave him a hug back “You c-couldn't have done anything. I'm just glad you're alright. I'm so glad.” She choked back a sob and got up.

“I think the rest of the team can take it from here if you'd like to leave.” The girl with the claws suggested.

“Thanks X-23.” Hisao replied

“Call me Laura.” X-23 said, smiling.

“Thanks Laura.”

The three of them walked outside. The building was a wreck. Two walls had suffered almost complete collapse, and there were huge holes torn in the roof. Piles of rubble were scattered around the area as far as Hisao could see. A series of ambulances were gathered around the scene, moving large numbers of injured civilians, almost certainly to the hospital. The rest of the X-corp were talking among themselves. The other three horsemen were dead. Death's head had been severed from the rest of his body, while Pestilence’s armor had been torn open, exposing burns wounds on his body. War's arms had apparently been torn off his body by bursts of energy and was lying in a pool of blood. As Hisao and Hanako approached, Misha and Shizune looked up.

“Hicchan! Hanako! You're all right!” Misha cried out. Then she did a double take “Hanako, your face-”

“If its alright with you” Hanako replied wearily “I'd j-just like to go home. I'll tell you about it later.”

“But I want to know-” Misha began, but then saw Shizune signing at her “Alright.” she then said. “Hey Rin!” she called out. Rin looked over from a distance part of the plaza. There was a popping sound as she teleported in front of them.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “Did any planets collide?” She looked at Hanako and gave a sort of half-smile. “Your face is symmetrical now.”

“Yes.” Hanako said “C-can you take us home? I just w-want to take a long nap.”

Rin didn't answer, there was simply a popping noise at they teleported to the building Hanako and Hisao lived in.






As Hisao walked Hanako to her room, Lilly came running out of her apartment, tears streaming down her face. She grabbed Hanako and hugged her close.

“Lilly...” Hanako began.

“Oh god Hanako, I was so worried.” Lilly said, her voice cracking. “Are you hurt?”

Hanako's eyes moistened, “I...I...” she got out before bursting into tears again. “I'm so sorry.” she finally got out in between sobs. “I n-never meant...”

“I know.”

After a few minutes, Lilly finally let go.

“Would you like to stay with us tonight?” Hisao asked

Hanako shook her head, trying to clear the tears “I t-think I’d like to be alone for a little while actually. But thank you.”

Lilly gave Hanako another hug “If you need anything,” she said “Anything at all, let us know. We're here for you.”

“Thank you Lilly. I might later, but for n-now I just want to sleep.” Hanako opened the door to her room and went inside, then collapsed onto her bed. She prayed there would be no dreams waiting for her.





“Hey Emi?” Max said as they went home from a date

“Yes?” Emi responded

“There's not really a good way to say this... I'm going to need to take a trip.”

“Oh, really? Where to?”

“San Francisco. I found where my parents live and I feel like I should go over there and tell them that I'm actually alive. I hope that's okay.” Max looked at Emi with a worried look on his face.

“Oh, it's fine. No problem at all. How long will you be going?” Emi shrugged nonchalantly

“Probably a couple weeks. Are you going to be alright?

“Oh yeah sure. I mean, just cause we're dating doesn't mean we're joined at the hip, right?” Emi grinned.

“Yes, I just worry about you.”

“Oh, don't worry about me. I'm doing great,” Emi waved her hand dismissively, “I'll eagerly await your return.”

Max looked at her. He couldn't help but wonder whether she was really alright, or just saying that to alley his fears.




Later that night, Hisao was with Lilly in their apartment.

“Do you think she'll be alright?” Lilly asked.

“You know as well as I do how strong she is. So yes, I do think so. I really wish there had been another way though. The illusion worked, but considering how she reacted when she thought she had killed me...” Hisao shook his head, “I wish to god there had been something else I could've done. Anything else, really.”

“Would you be able to remove the memory, if she wants?”

Hisao shook his head “Telepathy can be...tricky. I don't think I can perform that kind of alteration without causing damage. I just don't have the skill. I wish to god I did.” He gave a tired sigh, then added “Lilly, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Hisao winced and asked his question, “I need you to be completely honest with me. What do you think about my trying to help you see?”

Lilly chuckled, “Well, its a very sweet attempt. But I think you're a bit too obsessed with it.. I mean, I'd love to have sight, but its not a high priority. I'm just fine the way I am.”

Hisao hung his head, “You told me that before. I didn't really listen when I should have. I'm sorry. Maybe if I had I would've been around and Hanako wouldn't have been kidnapped.”

“Don't say that.”

“I just feel like maybe I could've-”

“Hisao. Read my lips.” Lilly sounded deadly serious “You. Couldn't. Have. Done. Anything. Don't you dare beat yourself up thinking this was something you could have prevented. You wanted to make things 'perfect' for me, and you just happened to be out of the school when this happened. If you had gone down to the store for a loaf of bread, would you blame yourself then?”

“Probably.”

Lilly smiled, “I love you but you need to get over the idea that you are the deciding factor for everything. Even if you had been here and tried to stop the kidnapping, you couldn't have prevented it. I mean, these were some of the worst supervillains to exist and you're just a telepath with a few days of training. So don't blame yourself. Ever.”

“I...very well.” Hisao adjusted his position on the bed and then spoke again “I'll do my best. And I'll quit my training. I just...I thought my telepathy was a miracle, that I could help you cure your blindness like the healing factor fixed my heart. I didn't consider that you didn't need sight. I'm sorry.”

“I never said I didn't want to be able to see, only that I don't need it. Hisao...look, you want to help. You always want to help, it's one of your best qualities. You don't need to apologize for that. And don't quit your training. The illusion worked. You yourself said you couldn't breach the barriers in her mind, but she was able to break free because you were able to project what you did. As unfortunate as the aftereffects were, it worked. If you hadn't been for the training, you wouldn't have been able to do that, and I don't even want to think about what could've happened then. So keep training.”

“I...very well.” He leaned in close to Lilly and gave her a quick kiss.



“You are in my way, time to die.”

“Hanako please, fight this!”

Hanako jerked awake with a scream. “oh god..” she mumbled and took some deep breaths. Then she began to cry. She should've been stronger. Been able to fight. Should've run when the figure appeared outside her window. Should've done almost anything aside from what she did do.

There was a knock on the door.

“Hanako?” she heard Trevor call.

“I...I..” she gasped. Then got out “Come in.”

The door opened and Trevor walked inside and looked sadly at her. “I hear about what happened. Are you holding up okay?”

Hanako shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks, “No. No I'm not. I saw my best friend die at my hand. That's not something you get over.” She looked downward “I never wanted this. Why couldn't I have just been left alone?”

“Sadly, once people gain superpowers, they tend to get dragged into the metahuman lifestyle regardless of their best efforts to avoid it.”

Hanako nodded weakly, “But I didn't want these force field powers or healing factors or anything like this. Why me?”

“I don't know,” Trevor said “But look at it this way. You have good friends who will help you through this. You have people like myself who care about you. If there is anything I can do, anything at all, let me know.”

Hanako hesitated, then finally said, “One thing.”

“Name it.”

“Sit with me. Please.”

Trevor pulled up a seat next to Hanako's bed. He put his arm around Hanako's shoulder and she buried her face in his arm, crying softly.