Katawa Shoujo Forums

Mealforthree wrote:

Careful reading of the text provides numerous inconsistencies and plot holes; say, for example, Mr Aaron is elaborating on the way which he claims things "usually" happen in Yamaku even though he hasn't spent a week there. The literature club was downright bullshit, sorry.

Yamaku seems to have quite a concentration of foreigners, taking into account the fact that there's only about a percent of non-Japanese people in Japan.

And then - the gaming sequence, the worst thing imaginable. That stuff is unnecessary and cringeworthy, it does not bring the realism everyone so overzealously craves. Perhaps this is a problem stemming from the previously criticised narrative style, I don't know.

If you are still not boiling with hate, I'd suggest polishing your style. I don't know how, I'd say read up some literary techniques (ice-berg principle, for example) because now, however heart-warming this story might be, it suffers from poor execution.

All the best to you, and by all means - if you want to write and improve your writing - write more.

^That's not a fucking request or pushing of the author, mods.

Mirage_GSM wrote:I do not thi k they would give foreign students harder english tests... What would be the purpose?

DanjaDoom wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:I do not thi k they would give foreign students harder english tests... What would be the purpose?

For me to make a joke...heh

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:I do not thi k they would give foreign students harder english tests... What would be the purpose?

For me to make a joke...heh

might work better with a punchline from the teacher lol

DanjaDoom wrote:true,lol. Gaah,this was a weak chapter overall. Ah well, every writer has his bad day =/

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:true,lol. Gaah,this was a weak chapter overall. Ah well, every writer has his bad day =/

Just remember that the more the reality is stretched for comedy the more outlandish the characters have to be to make it fit.

Take K-On for example. No student in their right mind calls their teacher "sawa-chan", but Yui is a rather odd ball character so it becomes funny.

DanjaDoom wrote:

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:true,lol. Gaah,this was a weak chapter overall. Ah well, every writer has his bad day =/

Just remember that the more the reality is stretched for comedy the more outlandish the characters have to be to make it fit.

Take K-On for example. No student in their right mind calls their teacher "sawa-chan", but Yui is a rather odd ball character so it becomes funny.

Yeah, true that. Really, I only did the Literature club scene that way because I've seen maybe 10 minutes of one episode of Code Geass, and I never played Valkyrie Profile, so I know jack shit about Lezard and Lelouch's characters outside of wiki articles, lol; I figured I'd make it just flat out weird to cover my ass.

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:

Daitengu wrote:
Just remember that the more the reality is stretched for comedy the more outlandish the characters have to be to make it fit.

Take K-On for example. No student in their right mind calls their teacher "sawa-chan", but Yui is a rather odd ball character so it becomes funny.

Yeah, true that. Really, I only did the Literature club scene that way because I've seen maybe 10 minutes of one episode of Code Geass, and I never played Valkyrie Profile, so I know jack shit about Lezard and Lelouch's characters outside of wiki articles, lol; I figured I'd make it just flat out weird to cover my ass.

Lezard was obsessed with the protagonist in Valkyrie profile. Everything he did was based on his obsession/love of Lenneth. He pretty much planned to kill Gods in order to keep Lenneth, regardless of her own will. He was one of those "the world can burn for all I care so long as I have what I want" types. (I have the PS and PS2 games heh)

Lelouch was a Light Yagami like tactician, underhanded, from the shadows type. Everything he did was because of his sense of justice, and his love for his sister. Lelouch was an actor. He'd play the parts he needed to just so he could do what he wanted.


Neither one did anything for fun or even to win. If losing got them closer to their goal, they'd both do it.

In context to KS, I'd think Lezard would creeper stalk his love interest. While Lelouch would fawn over his sister(who's blind and in a wheelchair btw) since he doesn't have to fight Britannia, or his father.

DanjaDoom wrote:
Nice, nice. I did get the basic attributes down (Lezard is a narcissist ,Lelouch is a schemer, etc.) and just flanderized the hell out of them, heh

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:
Nice, nice. I did get the basic attributes down (Lezard is a narcissist ,Lelouch is a schemer, etc.) and just flanderized the hell out of them, heh

Lezard would actually be the opposite of a narcissist since in Valkyrie Profile he really doesn't go on about himself. He only obsesses on Lenneth.

DanjaDoom wrote:Really? Huh, that's weird, the wiki pretty much described him as being a big narcissist. Bah.

Daitengu wrote:

DanjaDoom wrote:Really? Huh, that's weird, the wiki pretty much described him as being a big narcissist. Bah.

Yeah, he is presented as a narcissist in the game, but that's just how it appears since you are playing as Lenneth. If you look at it out of Lenneth's view, he appears as just obsessed over Lenneth herself. It's one of those instances where perception of a thing changes depending on the observer. Also he tends to get cocky once he thinks he's won. It's pretty cliche.

He's still a calculating and clever basterd to be able to trap Lenneth, and take Gungnir from Odin.

DanjaDoom wrote:Cool, cool So any other tips about the chapter? Like I said, this is my first big story in a while, I'm definitely not perfect, lol