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The build up to the question was needed I just felt that the cheeseyness was laid on a little too thick. You could have reached that same spot in a more normal setting .

waynoinsano wrote:The build up to the question was needed I just felt that the cheeseyness was laid on a little too thick. You could have reached that same spot in a more normal setting .

When I very first came up with the idea, I didn't plan on having a setting at all. It was just going to be the events displayed here, with the location up to the reader's vision. But then I figured that
A. This is supposed to be my best work yet, so I might want to specify a location. I've done so for the other two, so stopping now would be a significant departure, and it would probably disorient a lot of people.
B. Just wanting sex out of the blue seems more like something Rin would do, to be frank. I think that having the romance accompanying this, however cheesy it may be, makes it seem like it's of more importance. Because I imagine, due to her introversion and what not, it would be kind of a big deal, reserved for only the perfect moment.

I read the ow my heartattack (option two) and I liked it. Read the first option after and liked it about roughly as much as the second so I thought the two were about equal. I usually have an inclination to read the 'non-smut' paths first because more often than not with fan-fic (surprisingly none on these forums) the intimate scenes are enough to make me facepalm so hard I hurt myself.

I didn't click either option; I read the "Yes"-verion first, because it was the first you posted.

Agree with whyno that the first part is too cheesy - I disagree on the "a little"-part. I wasn't sure if this was intended as a parody at first.
The later parts are better written and quite nice - in both paths.

Oh, and one more thing: Tumbling down a hill is another thing Hisao shouldn't be doing with his heart condition...

Feel bad about ripping someone's work to shreds, but what the hell...

As everyone else has mentioned, the whole part at the start was rather cheesy, and as much as I enjoy a good cheesy fic, this just didn't seem right. The story after that, however, I thought went really well, and the situation with Hanako bringing it up seemed rather good.

As with the choices, overall I liked them both, it terms of what could happen. However, in the heart attack ending, where Hanako suddenly blurts out "It’s because I’m ugly, isn’t it?" just seems like it could have been worded a bit better, other than that, I liked it.

I actually like your work (yes, a compliment, be proud) and think you have characterisation mostly down, and the stories themselves are good. Look forward to more

I sure seem to be racking up edits on Lunatics. Funny thing is, if the release date was announced sooner, Anonymous probably would have dumped the Act 1 assets sooner, which meant I would have been able to make the choice buttons right away and have a format that made sense from the beginning instead of after 4 edits.

Anyway, to those who figured the first scene to be too cheesy, where did you draw the line? Was is a specific sentence? Was it the overload of tropes at the beginning? Did it feel like too little was happening for such a large number of words? Was it just too "ideal" for a story about cripple girls? Or too ideal for any kind of prose?

Brogurt wrote:The time is midnight. The stars are twinkling, the moon is shining in its fullest form, there’s not a cloud in the sky to put a damper on this evening. Beneath the heavens hovers a cloud of fireflies, dancing and flitting about, making for a dazzling lightshow; meanwhile, the crickets down below stir up a symphony of sorts with their chirping. The grass prickling the soles of my feet and the back of my neck serves as the sole reminder that I am still bound to planet Earth. A gust of wind blows by, causing me to shiver. I think it’s a bit too cold for school uniforms, but I wouldn’t call it a problem in the slightest. I imagine she felt it as well, since she pulls herself closer to me. At the top of the highest hill, below the tallest tree, I rest with a very special someone beside me. My one and only. Hanako Ikezawa.

The beginning was rather good for setting the scene with the imagery you are using. The part about being bound to planet earth and Hisao calling Hanako his one and only were a bit cheesy. Just my opinion but just saying her name rather than "my one and only" or using a different phrase would have been just as good.

Brogurt wrote:Holding hands and looking skyward on a bed of grass. It can only be romance when words become so utterly superfluous. No late-light parties or festivities would ever be able to give me the same satisfaction that I’m feeling right now. We’re not here on some special occasion or agenda, but because our free spirits will it. I take a moment to divert my eyes from the sky and look towards her.

Not a girl that lies beside me, of course, but an angel. One with a past inscribed on her face, and a future written in her eyes. I might even call her a black angel, a mixed blessing of sorts; one with dark hair, dark clothing, a dark history… Yet illuminated in this light, why, I see nothing short of perfection, as if all the demons, the wraiths, and the impurities have been driven out of sight. She catches my longing gaze and repays me with a kiss. I feel like I could lie here, with her, for an eternity and never grow tired of it. I begin to close my eyes, but something then sharply pulls me to my right. What is she-?

The first paragraph is good, but saying they are there because "our free spirits will it" seemed a bit cheesy, and using more casual language might have sounded better. The next paragraph describing Hanako as an angel on Earth put the cheesiness threshold a bit over for me. It just seems...too out there for something that Hisao would say. He describes as if she is too perfect, which I think is rather unrealistic. Having him say she is a great girlfriend and "although she may not be perfect to everyone else, she is too him" or something along those lines would suit Hisao (and most people) better in my eyes.

Now, this is just my opinion, I am one in 6 billion people who could all look at this differently, so don't take this too heart if its offensive, it was you who asked after all. While the language was rather out there and "cheesy" in some places, I do like your stories so hope you write more.

Brogurt wrote:Anyway, to those who figured the first scene to be too cheesy, where did you draw the line? Was is a specific sentence? Was it the overload of tropes at the beginning? Did it feel like too little was happening for such a large number of words? Was it just too "ideal" for a story about cripple girls? Or too ideal for any kind of prose?

About up to the point where the dialogue starts. It's not that too little is happening, but when I first read that part I thought it was supposed to be a parody. It has nothing to do with whether or not it's about "cripple" girls. This is language you usually find in dime novels.

“Sorry” Is Just a Word

“…and this is how reduction-oxidation reactions, or ‘redox’ reactions are facilitated within a solution of…”

My god. If this video could be any more boring, I don’t know what I’d do. Many of the students have already taken to talking with each other under the volume of the video and the cover of the dimmed lights. It seems unusual, absurd even, how close they are to matching the loudness of the video, but I see neither Mutou nor any of the other students pay the excess noise any mind. Some of us are a bit less talkative, for one reason or another, and have chosen to simply rest our heads for a moment.

I glance over to Hanako’s desk for a moment. It certainly hasn’t been uncommon for me to do so now that we’ve “officially” started dating. She appears to be looking straight ahead with her eyes fixated on the screen, as if she’s trying not to pay attention to the racket around her. As I return my own eyes to the front of the room to see if it’s something of interest that she’s looking at, she bolts out of the classroom, apparently taking no measures to remain inconspicuous.

What the hell? Normally, she just quietly slips out when she’s headed to the library. This can’t be good. I -after a quick glance around the room- rush out the door as well, trying not to lose too much ground. As I chase after her, I mark her turns by the banner of hair that waves behind her. She doesn’t seem to be running too fast, else I might have to push myself to catch up to her-

Gah!

It seems I spoke too soon. My chest feels as if it’s about to splinter due to the pressure. I prop myself up against one of the cold railings on the walls for a moment as I regain my composure.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen this part of the school before. It seems pretty empty too; normally there are some students that are still scurrying to class for one reason or another. Sometimes those reasons are the same ones that landed them in this school in the first place. I imagine this is some sort of long-forgotten wing of the school where classes were once held, but have been moved to other rooms since.

Enough sightseeing; this isn’t why I came down here. I still have to find Hanako. Luckily, from this point on, the forks and branches have tapered out, and what remains is one path for me to walk.

…

Good. It doesn’t look like my heart problems are resurfacing. As I pass by a pair of unmarked doors, I hear a sound coming from inside one of them. It seems to come and go, erratically bursting into full volume, fading out, and stopping entirely as it desires. Whatever the sound is, it sounds human, at the very least.

I crack open the door and peek inside. It appears to have the furnishings of a bathroom. As the sound restarts, it becomes clear what it is. Sobbing. Suddenly, the door makes a loud creaking sound as I push it a bit farther, leaving plain silence in its wake. It must be Hanako in here. I reach out with my voice to try and comfort her.

“Hanako? Is that you? What’s the matter?”

I hear a slight echo to my voice, but that’s the only response I get.

A sigh escapes me. I open the door entirely to step inside all the way.

One of the stalls is closed. Logic tells me that she must be inside it, so I open it up, with no resistance to impede my progress. It looks like the locking mechanism is broken, which would definitely explain things.

I find none other than Hanako Ikezawa sitting there, head buried in her hands. The sight hits me like a punch in the gut, but I guess I shouldn’t have expected otherwise. I unequivocally restate my concern.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

She moves her hands, then stares at me for a moment with a look of apprehension. She seems to be making up her mind on what to say.

“It’s… P-people have been saying things… about us…”

“Alright?”

“M-m-mean things.”

“Just then? During the movie?”

“N… not just then… I-I hear it all the time… In the halls… d-during lunch…”

“What kind of things are they saying?”

…

“W-what do you think?”

Her spiteful tone leaves me surprised.

“I-I don’t know. I don’t see any problems.”

Except maybe how she’s behaving now. But I bite my tongue.

“Don’t you get it?! I’m not good enough for you! To them, we’re not a couple! We’re a joke!”

My heartbeat hastens. I can feel the anger boiling up in me. With no regard to my own wellbeing, I lash out.

“That’s not-!”

“Stop it! Everyone knows it’s true!”

I see the look on her face morph into pure anger. I am swiftly stricken by a blunt force to the side of my face. My sense of balance is thrown askew. In this moment of adrenaline, my fall seems to last several times as long as it should. Her fist remains outstretched, a virulent symbol of hatred. Of fear.

I impact the cold, hard floor. The shock courses through my entire body. I lay crumpled on the floor for a moment as I try to compose myself and my thoughts. Did she really just hit me? A salty taste permeates my mouth. Blood. She did hit me. I slowly run my hand below my nose. The image is what I had expected: more blood. I must be bleeding from there too. To make things worse, it feels as if my heart is beating its way out of my chest. Okay. Deep breaths. Slow breaths. If this escalates any further, I’m almost certain to have an attack.

…

Fuck. Why the hell did I come down here? I just made things worse, for the both of us. I try to hoist myself up with a nearby hand railing, and after several repeated failures, I’m up on my feet. I notice her in the corner of my eye as I stagger over to the door. She seems frightened, with her hands over her mouth, but that’s as far as I’m willing to look. I scratch out one last word with my voice.

“A… alright.”

I make my way out the door. Where to now? Home, I guess. Or what little I can call home. If Mutou saw me leave the class after her, he probably doesn’t expect me to return anyway.

…

The journey back takes its toll on me. One-two, one-two. I have to focus to walk straight, just putting one foot in front of the other. I can’t think about anything else right now. I don’t want to think about anything else right now. My only senses are the dried blood on my face and the weight of my body slowing me down. Me and Hanako… we just had an argument. Yeah… that’s it…

I finally reach my destination. I guess it would only be proper to wash all this off my face. To help myself forget that this happened. I take a detour to the bathrooms. As there is nobody else here at the moment, I take my time cleaning up.

The air is warm and dry; uncomfortably so. The faucet squeals with a deafening cry as I turn on the hot water. It’s not normally this loud, is it? It doesn’t matter; I’ve got things to do. Each stroke of the washcloth across my face burns. It’s not just the friction, either, but also the fleeting feeling that I’m trying to cover up my mistakes. As if I’m trying to pretend that I didn’t screw up like I did back there. But really, how much of it was my fault? I was just trying to help out. I had no intentions of letting it devolve into this.

I shut off the water and dry myself off once more before retiring to my dorm room. I absentmindedly lie down on my bed and look at the ceiling. I can’t get my mind off what happened today. Is this indicative of what I’ve gotten myself into? Is this the Hanako I’ll have to deal with in order to be with the demure, sweet one that I’ve fallen for? Did I do the right thing back there? Chasing her down when she probably wanted to be left alone? For all I know, she could still be crying in that stall at this very moment. Maybe even harder than before.

“I’m sorry.”

It isn't always sunshine and rainbows.
From concept to actually getting off my ass and writing to the finishing touches, I am happy to say that this was all done today. MST here, don't hate.
Anyway, I'm probably not gonna bitch about feedback a whole lot anymore, so feel free to rejoice.
For the record, I plan on rewriting the beginning to Lunatics from scratch, so I'm taking a while to "settle down" from having written it.

A lot better than the last one. Very interesting take on Hanako, but I'd very much like to hit Hisao again for leaving her like that. At least twice.

Never thought of Hanako lashing out like that, but puts a perspective of how she may overact to certain things given her mindset...interesting.

It was a different take on Hanako, and I'll admit it is nice to see a story with her in it that isn't too idealistic, still sad it didn't have a distinct happy ending, but it's not my story. I wouldn't be surprised if something similar appeared during the actual game.

In terms of criticism, I'm not sure I have much for you. It was better than your last in terms of writing, and I saw no grammar mistakes, I may have missed them but let other people bother with that.

Hicchan

Ah, the sweet smell of Shanghai. The aromas and fragrances of tea and coffee diffused throughout the air. The end result of a good half-hour of wandering around, looking for a place to eat. At first, she was somewhat resistant to the idea, but then I guess it settled in that I was offering to come with her, so she ended up obliging.

Hanako’s gaze flits restlessly about the restaurant after we step inside, so I take the lead and bring her to a table in the corner of the room, by one of the windows. A booth for four. I might have preferred a table for two, but at least I can get us both on the same side this way. Now that I think about it, I wonder if most other couples would take seats opposite of each other.

I take a moment to scan the restaurant as well. It seems mostly empty; a good thing, given the… circumstances of me being here. Not that I mind, of course.

Suddenly my gaze is drawn to two heads of hair sitting not too far from us. One is short, neatly cut, and distinctly blue, and the other is pink, with drills. I think I’ve spent enough time in Class 3-3 to recognize those hairstyles in a place like this.

Shizune suddenly swings around to catch my gaze, staring back intently, meanwhile signing something to Misha, who then turns around to face me as well. She gives me a wave, which I return in kind, then I see the two of them rise from their seats, almost in perfect synch, and begin walking towards us.

Talk about irritating. I was hoping it would just be the two of us. I am more concerned about Hanako at the moment though. I’ve got pretty thick skin when it comes to putting up with those two, but I’m not so sure about her. This wouldn’t be the first time she’s been antagonized by them, either.

“Looks like we’ve got company.”

The frustration in my voice shows. Hanako looks over her shoulder at the two girls approaching us. The way she freezes on the spot gives me the impression that her blood has turned to ice. She might be thinking the same thing I am. I try to conspicuously nudge myself a little closer to her to try and comfort her.

I wonder, if we were to take off now, would we be able to make it out the door before they caught up to us? No, that wouldn’t work, Hanako’s still stiff as a brick, and we’ve both already made eye contact with them, which means that we’d just be reprimanded double when they next caught us in class.

I run as many scenarios as possible through my mind. The steps grow increasingly louder.

Maybe we could just face them head on? They couldn’t be that bad, could they?

“Hi, Hicchan! Mind if we sit here?”

Misha is clearly bobbing up and down with excitement, while Shizune places both of her hands firmly on our table as if to say “This table belongs to us.”

At any rate, I’m confident that they would understand if Hanako and I were to tell them to go away. This is our time here, not theirs. With this in mind, I look to Hanako for her thoughts.

“S-sure.”

Her words catch me off-guard. I was expecting that she would shake or nod her head and that I would give the official answer. I guess she might be taking some of my advice seriously, about taking steps to be a bit more outgoing and social.

I just hope this step isn’t too big.

“That’s good to hear!”

Misha’s voice booms with some sort of self-righteous thunder as she makes her statement.

They move to sit opposite of us, leaving some room between them, most likely to assist with signing. Compared to Hanako, who has very nearly wedged herself behind me.

“Alright, so!”

Misha begins signing back and forth with Shizune as she translates. It looks like they can go at a more relaxed rate since there’s almost nobody else around.

“You may be wondering why we’ve decided to join you, and that’s because, well…”

“We’re all part of Class 3-3, right~? Right! So we should stick together!”

“And we also thought this would also be a good opportunity to set some things straight, hmm~?”

Set things straight? What the hell? This reminds me of a quote I’ve heard once. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

“No need to look like that, Hicchan~! We don’t mean you two any harm.”

I account for my facial expression, which indeed appears to be a scowl of some sort.

“In fact, that line of thinking is part of the reason why we came over here.”

“I know we’ve done some things that might indicate otherwise, but…”

“Neither of us really dislikes either of you like that our behavior might lead you to believe.”

I think if that message is the one that they wanted to get across, it could have been delivered with more tact than loudly interrupting a date.

“Sometimes our… arguments with Miss Satou get a bit out of hand. It’s not right for us to drag you two into these kinds of things. Since you’re better friends with her, she can decide that~!”

Just when I thought things were about to get serious, too. I guess there’s just no suppressing Misha’s nature.

“And Hicchan…”

“We realize that we’ve kind of told you the opposite regarding this.”

“And Shizune admits to not have been thinking straight at the time. The festival preparations were really weighing down on us!”

“So, what I’m trying to say is… We’re sorry. Both of us. Treating anybody unfairly because of the people they’re close to is not a good thing, especially not when the ones being unfairly treated are part of your own class and you’re the class president.”

That’s… surprisingly humble. Not particularly something I’d expect from Shizune and Misha. But I suppose we all have a sensitive side, don’t we? I turn my eyes to Shizune for a moment, and even she has a sorrowful look on her face. I guess she can also feel the weight of those words, even if she can’t hear them.

“Is that alright?… Hisao?… Ikezawa?”

I give my reply first.

“Oh… I don’t know…”

I’m actually content with what they’ve said, but I think Hanako’s had to put up with a lot more of their torment than I have. For that matter, this apology is probably aimed more at her than it is at me. I direct my gaze to her to see if she has anything to say.

“What do you think, Hanako?”

…

“A-apology accepted.”

Misha seems to take pride in translating this to Shizune. I see Shizune’s demeanor change as well. I haven’t seen her smile like that in a while. I guess this is some sort of victory to her.

…Now, is my brain playing a trick on me, or are Hanako’s eyes watering? Just a little? Neither Shizune nor Misha seems to notice, or if they do, they don’t make any indication of it. Especially not Misha, who gives the impression that she has forgotten entirely that something just happened here.

"So, Hicchan, what brings you two here, anyway?"

"Uh, well... Hanako and I..."

"Wahaha! That's alright, you don't have to say it~!"

Thanks for that, I guess. Not like it changes anything.

"Anyway, would you look at the time? It looks like we have to be going! See you later!"

Misha energetically waves her arm and Shizune gives a sweet smile and a nod before they both leave. I try to give a wave goodbye as well, but by then they’ve both already turned around.

So it's just me and Hanako now. For that reason alone, we can ease up a bit. She decides to be the one to speak first.

"I just wanted to tell you… Th-thanks."

"For?"

A legitimate question, I think. She does seem prone to apologizing and thanking me excessively, to the point where I sometimes don’t know why.

"For taking... for convincing me to come out here. I-I really enjoyed it... and those two..."

"Misha and Shizune?"

"Y-yeah, them... I always thought they didn't like me... f-for one reason or another, but..."

Was Hanako in on the “friend of my enemy” thing? Did she think they found her repulsive? Or was it the because of her truancy? She's probably not going to be too forthcoming with that information though, so I don't press the matter. There is another matter I might press, however.

"But that's not the case, is it?"

I chuckle; she gives a bashful shake of her head.

"N-no, it's not."

“Did you ever consider that a lot of your fears may have just evolved from misunderstandings?”

No response. I wonder if speaking like that was a bit too brash. I try to change the topic.

"Anyway, don't feel like you have to thank me all the time. It's a pleasure for me just as well."

I outstretch my arms. She bears a confused look, as if she’s taking a while to see what I'm getting at.

When she does, though, her eyes light up and she throws herself into my grasp. Her breath on the back of my neck feels staggered at first, but smoothes out with time. The pose we’ve landed ourselves in feels a bit awkward to me, but I guess that’s to be expected. I don’t think either of us has enough experience to perform a flawless hug like in the movies.

Our embrace soon ends. It looks to me like something is on her mind, and my suspicion is proven correct when she begins speaking.

"S-so, were they calling you H-Hicchan back there?"

"Uh… yeah?"

"Is… is it alright if I call you that sometimes?"

My god writing Shizune into this was a pain in the ass.
Not having the denotations for every single character meant adding the ellipses would have been stupid, as would have been mentioning every time she signs, but I needed to give her a presence somehow.
So I ended up nearly turning the two of them into a Geth mobile platform who quickly and telepathically comes to a consensus every time something needs to be said.

Also, for that question at the end, the answer is yes, but the habit never really grew into anything. I couldn’t figure out how to work that it without making it seems terribly hamhanded so I just left it.

Hey, you guys like previews? Here’s one: my next fic will also be a date. It will obviously still be Hanako-related, but it’ll probably be different than what you’re expecting. Not too radically different, but still… different.