New stuff of Neuman|| Katawamon: Welcome to Ceridian Forest

[Mirage_GSM]

Still a few past tenses in the first two paragraphs.
So many fanfics about teenagers having sex on these boards but so few about them getting pregnant. You have added greatly to the realism here.
(Oh, and Kosher's fics are excepted from this statement for obvious reasons.)

[Sgt_Frog]

Still a few past tenses in the first two paragraphs.
So many fanfics about teenagers having sex on these boards but so few about them getting pregnant. You have added greatly to the realism here.
(Oh, and Kosher's fics are excepted from this statement for obvious reasons.)

I thought so too, but then again, KS is an eroge VN...

Anyway, I have a question to pose to you all. As Neuman has used his/her KS OC in fanfiction, I'd probably like to use mine. You can read about her on DeviantArt (She won fifth place in the OC contest a while back.)

http://useraccount.deviantart.com/art/K ... -159109453

But, as you can read from her bio, she has no voice, but can still "speak" with the aid of a handheld device. Now, all of Shizune's lines are "..." and that's fine. But my question is how to distinguish my OC's "voice" from other characters'.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully answer my questions.

[Mirage_GSM]

First of all, don't be shy to use OCs. There's no rule against it anywhere and you don't need anyone's permission. She seems like an interesting character, too.
Regarding her voice, she seems to be using notes and sign a lot, so you'll probably use italics for those already. The only time I heard an artificial voice like that myself was in an anti-smoking ad, but you could probably make it so the machine has problems producing certain sounds (e.g. drrrawing "r"s out or not being able to form de "th") - much like a dialect. You'd have to be careful not to make it sound silly though. A bit of experimentation may be necessary.

[Sgt_Frog]

First of all, don't be shy to use OCs. There's no rule against it anywhere and you don't need anyone's permission. She seems like an interesting character, too.
Regarding her voice, she seems to be using notes and sign a lot, so you'll probably use italics for those already. The only time I heard an artificial voice like that myself was in an anti-smoking ad, but you could probably make it so the machine has problems producing certain sounds (e.g. drrrawing "r"s out or not being able to form de "th") - much like a dialect. You'd have to be careful not to make it sound silly though. A bit of experimentation may be necessary.

Okay...how do I type in italics?

And the "artificial voice" has come a long way. Check out the TruTone demonstration!


I couldn't find one in "female" though. This video might count, even though it's in Spanish...i think. It might be Portuguese...

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay...how do I type in italics?

Uh... Like this?

Code: Select all

[i]Text[/i]

[neumanproductions]

As Neuman has used his/her KS OC in fanfiction

For the future i'll let you know i'm male, otherwise I would't have this jar of brain bleach marked, "Use in case of Yaoi". I have a seperate one marked "Use in case of Kosher" but that is rarely use; just in case you know, city regulations. (Just kidding buddy)
Also, use OC's to your advantage. Kosher has a lot of fun with them in his Saint Pfil's Specialty Academy series.

Anyways, the second of three is complete and the third will be on the way soon enough. I'm sure you guys are either going to hate or love the idea of adding humor to this dramatic story but what can I say, I love adding bits in for a laugh. Also, I had to play at an interesting theory that has been floating around since the release of the first act. Point out any mistakes I make as all criticism makes me a better writer and sometimes gives me ideas for the future. Enjoy.

Emi is having a WHAT!! (Part 2)

Hisao awakens to find himself on the bed in the infirmary. He slowly moves to sit up straight when he notices a girl with twin-tails is sleeping with her head resting on his legs.

“Emi.”

“She’s been here the entire time,” Hisao turns his head to see Nurse looking at him from his desk.

“What time is it?”

“Two o’clock.”

“Well that wasn’t…”

“In the morning.”

“In the morning? What happened to me?”

“Well at first I thought it was a heart attack but it seemed that all your vitals were functioning normally so a simple conclusion is that you fainted from shock. I would have too if I had been in your shoes.”

“You would have too…” at that moment Hisao remembers the last thing he heard before collapsing. “Emi is pregnant!” He would have sprung straight out of bed if not precautious of Emi on his legs.

“Yep, she told me the entire story. Well, the parts that were rated-PG at least.”

“You haven’t told anyone else yet Nurse, have you?”

“Patient confidentiality Hisao. Though I must say I wouldn’t have expected you to survive the journey to reach this point. Having sex takes a lot of…”

“Can we please leave it at that thank you very much. I don’t think a lecture is going to be doing much to change things now.”

“I suppose you’re right and it looks like you’ll have things to discuss between the two of you,” Emi starts to wake up letting out a small, cute yawn. “I’ll let the two of you discuss what you’re going to do. You’re both adults by my book so the decision entirely falls on your shoulders about whether to have this child, or not.” With that, Nurse leaves the room as Emi gains full consciousness of her surroundings.

“Oh Hisao, you’re awake. Is everything alright?”

“Don’t worry I’m fine. I think we have something more pressing to discuss at the moment,” Emi turns from Hisao as she steps towards the window. Its pitch black outside but the slight rain can easily be heard tapping against the glass. “Nurse mentioned that you had spoke to him about our issue.”

“That’s correct. He told me about several options that we could choose.”

“That’s interesting because he told me something on the grounds of either we have the baby or we don’t,” Hisao finally realizes what was meant by the statement but he wishes to confirm it with Emi. “You don’t think he means…”

“Yes, he was referring to me having an abortion.”

Hisao goes silent and stands in a petrified stance. Emi starts panicking. Feeling as though Hisao is going to pass out again she decides to open the window. It might cause a slight chill but at least its fresh air. She opens the window halfway and moves towards Hisao who is finally starting to recover.

“What do we do Hisao? I’ve never been good with decisions; especially one of this magnitude.”

“The truth is Emi, I’m not even sure of the choice myself. Weighing the facts it seems less troublesome to have an abortion. However, that’s coming from my perspective as the potential father and I really don’t think any guy wants that burden on their shoulders at this age.”

“I understand.”

“But there still is something pulling at me in the other direction. There is just something about holding a child in my arms that, you know, makes me kind of happy. What am I saying; you need to be considered in this Emi. The pains you might have to go thru must be worse than anything I could imagine. Also, if we have a child, most likely we will have to get married before that and do you really want to spend the rest of your life with the fool who ‘knocked you up’ in the prime of high school?”

“Don’t degrade yourself Hisao. You’re a great guy who I would do anything for. That’s actually part of the reason we’re in this situation remember.” For the first time since Emi found out she was pregnant, a slight smile could be visible as her eyes glistened from the tears that were still flowing.

“You really are too good to me, you know that.” Hisao moves his head to meet her gaze and is enveloped in the green sea which is her eyes.

“Hold everything!”

Emi and Hisao quickly turn towards the source of the voice. Standing in front of them was someone dripping wet from head to toe in what looked like a skin tight suit.

“Kenji!?” The two spoke in unison as it was indeed Kenji who had climbed through the recently opened window. Hisao covers Emi’s eyes with his hand after seeing something that only a good dose of brain bleach could ever have a chance of erasing. Immediately, Hisao goes into question mode.

“What the hell are you doing in here? And secondly, how did you even get in here? This office is located on the third floor,” That’s when Hisao notices the suction cups on Kenji’s knees and hands. “Don’t tell me you’ve been using that suit to sneak into girl’s rooms again. I though you would have learnt your lesson after that slumber party caught you during your last panty raid.”

“For the kajilionth time, I was conducting research! The same as I was doing tonight! Never mind that, I’m trying to warn you to abort your mission!”

“What?”

“Abort man, abort! Nothing good will come of having a child. It will ruin you!”

“And why should I listen to you?”

“Remember that succubus I told you about?”

“You mean the girl you had sex with.”

“She was a succubus I’m telling you! Anyways, she brought forth a child and expected me to take care of it and her. She wouldn’t abort so I had to leave my high-life in England and flee to Japan here.”

“That’s a load of boloney and you know it Kenji,” rolling out from under the bed Rin makes her appearance. “We all know it was Misha you had sex with.”

“Wait, it was Misha he had sex with. Did you know this Emi?”

“Yeah, it was huge news back when it happened.”

“So, is the pregnancy part made up?”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”

“Get back to me, you mean…”

“So Rin, how long have you been here?”

“After you didn’t return to class I thought something was up. So, I snuck under the bed when Nurse was gone and you were both sound asleep. By the way, I say have the baby.”

“Of course you would say that. You’ve got the same look as that damn succubus. You’re probably one of them as well.”

“Face it Kenji, I have as much a chance of being a succubus as Paris Hilton has of winning the Nobel Prize in Physics.”

“Wow, that is a small chance.”

“Keep out of this Hisao,” Kenji starts to clench his fists. The water on his suit appears to be evaporation off at an astronomical rate. “Fine, you win this round Tezuka but mark my words I’ll outwit you one of these days!”

“Whatever you say Kenji. Just don’t go digging through my underwear drawer for the answer. I already had to replace enough after your last visit.” Rin gives a devious grin that would make even the strongest cringe. It easily worked enough on Kenji to make him shudder in fear.

“Aarg, that’s it I’m out of here!”

With that statement Kenji crawls out the window. The rain had stopped during the confrontation so the suction cups on his suit could easily be made out as he scurried away. Hisao and Emi looked beyond confused after what had just transpired but Rin decides to pull them back to earth.

“So you two, I still think you should keep the baby but the choice is up to you. I also think it be best if you talk it out in private. Nurse said you could use the room for the rest of the night as long as you promise not to dirty his sheets.” That brought the two around quite easily.

“Rin, I thought you said you snuck in?”

“Actually, I did sneak in but when Nurse returned he found me right away. He’s pretty clever you know.”

“And he just let you stay under the bed and hear our entire conversation.”

“Yep.”

“So much for patient confidentiality. That guy seems to have two faces at times.”

“Well, like I said, you two have some discussing to do. I’ll be heading back to my room.”

“Won’t you get in trouble for showing up so late?”

“Believe me Emi, if ol’Kenji can do it than so can I. Besides, I have a note from the nurse.” That’s just like Rin to have a backup plan. She gracefully uses her bare foot to open the door and shuts it behind her.

“I never noticed how limber Rin is before…ouch, ouww, owie,” Emi grabs Hisao by the ear and leads him over to the bed.

“You’ve already got me so don’t you dare!”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Rin is right, we have to discuss this. So, what is it going to be?”

(To be concluded)

[kosherbacon]

Emi and Hisao's offspring would probably give themselves heart attacks from their own sheer genki-ness.

I have a seperate one marked "Use in case of Kosher" but that is rarely use; just in case you know, city regulations. (Just kidding buddy)

One of these days, I'm going to have to do something that'll make you need it. One of these days...

[AapoAlas]

That's some pretty solid writing. Nothing to really complain about (part two at least).
On that side that is.
Yeah, onto me being a stuck-up ass:

You have trouble carving out the characters. Okay, most people probably would / will / do have trouble doing that, since they are not characters of their own design but rather on loan from someone else. Anyhow, especially Emi and Hisao are ... they are mostly pretty faceless (If KS was a 'proper' eroge with a blank slate main character, this'd be such a good joke!) and more or less impersonal. Very little of Emi being emiously talkative, tongue-in-the-cheek type can be seen in the text.
Sure, they're talking serious, but ... well, given how Emi reacts to Hisao collapsing in Act 1 it seems like she's mostly between two different types of talking: either she's being cheeky and all that, the usual, or she's more or less panicing and having trouble finding any good words to be put on the subject.
Here it seems like Emi is cool, collected and ready to bear a child like a true adult. Nothing like Emi. (Do notice I'm a) talking out of my ass and b) not an expert nor do I have The Truth.)

Hisao is, as mentioned, quite faceless too. Then again, a character which is built upon choices made during the story... There really isn't a real way to create The Hisao, so I'll forgive you. You created a Hisao of your own and it seems to more or less work. He does seem very clueless and... somewhat stupid though. For instance the way you phrased the whole stuff about realizing that Nurse had suggested abortion as an option made it seem like he's never really thought that abortion is real but more like a fairy tale.
Mmm, Hisao also seems to have, surprisingly, gained a lot of self-confidence out of nowhere, being capable of giving Nurse a piece of his mind in a way that cannot be concidered... sort of arrogant, like his statements in the game more or less are, or at least insecure.

Those aside... Nurse isn't quite as cheeky as he tends to. Very little for him to say here anyhow, though.

Kenji... I like what you've done with him, turned his hate towards women into a secret passion... Not probably what the KS writers have in mind but it makes him even more into a comic relief as opposite to a scary and sad figure. Also you have managed to write Kenji's rants more or less very well. Only thing here is that Hisao is, again, full of self-confidence and tells Kenji off pretty straight. Then again, he does that normally too... So actually, nothing to complain here.

Rin isn't quite as Rin as she should be in my opinion. Also she sort of ... Well, she's more like Kenji than anything else here. So very strange, I'm not quite sure I like it. The whole point of her being there is very vague and unsolid.

Well, that's about that. Enjoy.

[Mirage_GSM]

Writing is good; no complaints about the tenses this time.
I agree with AapoAlas that the characterization could use some work. I think Emi can be excused fo not being her usual genki self under the circumsances, but Rin felt extremely ooc in this part. Then again, maybe you did that on purpose just for the laughs

[neumanproductions]

Then again, maybe you did that on purpose just for the laughs

That basically is the reason as I have always had trouble writing Rin. God praise her path writer. I wanted to bring her in as the first part made Emi run into her and I figured Rin would have figured something was up and nosed around a bit more than she admits. Also, she was really the only character I could think of who had the ability to confront Kenji, except Shizune but what on earth would she care to be doing there.

[Mirage_GSM]

Oh, Misha would have no problems at all confronting Kenji, and she's nosy enough to show up almost anywhere. In your version of the story, Kenji would probably run away screaming as soon as he caught sight of her though.
I wasn't objecting to your use of Rin as someone to oppose Kenji. It's just that she behaves like some kind of relationship counselor and not the least bit spacey.
For example:

“Of course you would say that. You’ve got the same look as that damn succubus. You’re probably one of them as well.”
“Face it Kenji, I have as much a chance of being a succubus as Paris Hilton has of winning the Nobel Prize in Physics.”
“Wow, that is a small chance.”

The Paris HIlton line would be perfect for Shizune or someone like Hisao, but for Rin it's out of place.
The third line is something Rin would say, but this line belongs to Hisao.
I think a possible reply of Rin to Kenji's accusation would be something along the lines of "But if I were a succubus, wouldn't I try to seduce Hisao away from Emi?"
And farther down:

That’s just like Rin to have a backup plan...

Actually not having a plan at all would be more like her..

[neumanproductions]

I'll agree with you on all points. Like I said, I have a hard time with Rin and if you read my "A God Among Men" series I make her to be the equivalence of L. For sure i'm working on changing to her actual personality but as much as I like her it is hard to think as her; or not think in some cases. I think I might have a better job in the two-parter I spoke about. It's pure comedy so no babies, sex, flirtations, and definitely no lesbians.

[Xuan]

Emi's cute yawns + babies seemed awesome cute.

[Mirage_GSM]

Well I gave Rin's thought processes a lot of... well... thought before I wrote my story. (Thanks for the positive feedback by the way.) There's certainly several ways to interpret Rin's spaceyness and I don't claim to have achieved ultimate wisdom on the topic.
I did read "A god among men", but to put it mildly, I'm not the biggest fan of Death Note, so it wasn't really my thing through no fault of yours.
I didn't mind your characterizations that much, though. Crossovers, and especially such extreme ones always make staying in character difficult... ...and multiple deaths tend to change personalities anyway. I do remember being amused that Rin was able to pickpocket the Death Note away from Kenji...

[neumanproductions]

Well, I actually just finished this now. I've been suffering writer's block on this story and just decided to end it fast. (been busy with other things related to neumanproductions) Anyways, sorry if you were expecting a big finish but I did add something that I thought worked well. That two-parter will have its first part up really soon. Enjoy.

Emi is having a WHAT!! (Part 3)

“Waaawaaaa!”

“It’s a beautiful, baby girl.”

The nurse hands Hisao a small spark of life which he cradles in his arms. Emotions let out as tears begin streaming from his eyes. This sign of joy is interrupted by the obstetrician.

“Alright Emi, time for the next one.”

Hisao hands his daughter back to the nurse and interlocks his fingers with Emi’s. They were having twins. Emi’s grip tightens as if hanging on for bare life, almost crushing Hisao’s hands in the process. He endures the pain knowing that she is going through more than he could ever imagine.

“Come on Emi, you can do this. Just a couple more pushes.”

“I can see the head.”

“Breath Emi, breath.”

“Waawawaa!”

“It a boy Mr. Nakai.” Astoundingly, Emi quickly recovers and calls to the nurse.

“Please let me hold my daughter,” The nurse instantly reacts to Emi’s request and lays the baby in her arms. Hisao kneels over Emi holding their son in his. “How does it feel to be a father?”

“I really can’t explain it with words,” he pauses for a moment, “but it just feels as though a bright flame is warming me up from the inside.” Emi chuckles and smiles with radiance that could blind if stared at too closely.

“Same here.”

-----------------------------------

To fill in the missing details, Hisao and Emi told their parents about their situation right after they chose to have the baby. To the surprise of the both of them it was Hisao’s parents that went off the wall while Emi’s were excited about the early addition to the family. Apparently, Emi’s parents were hiding the fact that she was conceived in a very similar way. It would seem young love really has a way of repeating itself. Emi stayed in school for a few more months until she started showing too much and the principal asked if she would discontinue attendance; as it was bad for the school’s image.

Their daughter was named Aiko and the son Keitaro. Emi and Hisao hadn’t been married before the children were born per request of Emi’s parents. They said that they would take care of their daughter and grandchildren until Hisao graduated and found himself a secure job. Hisao was not one to disagree as he knew raising children was going to be no easy task. Fortunately, upon graduating, he was able to find work within a couple months at a small company working a minor desk job. He also decided to further his education through night classes so that he might provide better for his family in the future.

I’m not exactly sure how things have been going for those two and their children recently, but if you had seen the look on their faces in that delivery room there would be no doubt that they wouldn’t have wished for it any other way. So I wish them the best in whatever adventures life has in store for them next.

- Lela Hamilton