[You didn’t tell me you were going home.] Lou signs, the sun is setting on the gate beside us, and my parents’ car is disappearing behind.
“I’m sorry.” I manage to say, but I can’t really look at his face anymore.
[That’s the kind of thing you should tell me.] He signs again.
“I’m sorry.”
He looks angry for a moment.
[You won’t do it again?] He asks.
[I won’t.] I sign back. He smiles.
[I missed you.] Lelouch signs again, taking my hand into his firmly.
I’m meant to say something, but it’s like I’ve swallowed a handful of sand.
I tuck my bag under my arm, and he pulls me in his direction.
We head towards the dormitories. Neither of us say anything, but Lou’s grip on my hand tightens occasionally, like he’s checking to see I’m still here, and I haven’t slipped through his fingers into the evening around us.
It feels cold outside right now, and Lou’s fingers in mine hurt a little. My stomach twists and turns as we get closer to the dormitories.
We pass the girl’s dorms like we have some wordless agreement. I would have liked to drop my bag off, but I guess we’re going somewhere else. As we pass, I notice Miki heading out. She pretends not to see us, and pulls her hood up, before disappearing around the corner.
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Since Lou got back from the hospital, the dynamic in our friendship group has been… tense. It feels like everyone is stepping on eggshells around him, and, to be honest, around me. He’s shut down every conversation, and mostly just sat with us in silence.
I keep asking him if he’s okay.
He keeps saying he’s fine.
I keep asking him if he wants to talk about anything.
There’s nothing he needs to talk about, he says.
It’s lunchtime now, and before all this, we’d usually head to the cafeteria as a big group. Now though, it’s like nobody wants to make the first move. Still, Miki gets up and heads over to Lelouch, a determined look on her face.
“What’s your problem man, ain’t you glad to be back?” Miki asks, her slender form perched on the edge of Lou’s desk. Takashi gives me a worried glance.
Lou sighs loudly and covers his eyes with his hands. After a moment or two of awkward silence, he begins to write on his notebook.
Miki picks it up with her good, uh, only hand, and reads his message.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Nobody’s pretending to do anything.” Her tone gets a little more heated. I don’t know if I want to know what Lou wrote.
He presses his fingers on his temples and begins to rub circles into them. Then he picks up his pen and begins to write again.
Takashi moves over to their table, and Lou sighs loudly again, but continues to write. Ikuno appears in front of me, blocking my view of the three of them. She’s got a worried look in her eyes, but she gives me a smile.
“You wanna come get some lunch?” She asks, but I look around her.
Miki is holding up the notepad again. She’s clearly getting angry.
I suddenly feel sick.
“You know man, that’s a really cruel thing to say,” she slams the notepad down on the table in front of Lelouch. Takashi flinches at the sound, but Lou just stands up from his desk, his face looking a lot like Miki’s.
He begins to sign, but remembers that Miki can’t read it, so he stops and closes his eyes.
When he opens them again his whole-body shakes with anger.
“G-gyet lyost Myiki.” He says, and now Miki visibly flinches. Since she slammed the notepad down, there’s been quite a few turned heads in our classroom, and Takashi is whispering frantically to try and calm the situation down.
For a minute, it looks like Miki might actually cry a little, but she resolves herself. Ikuno has turned around to face them now too.
“I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.” She says, but Lou doesn’t look wounded at all.
“y-you nyever dyid.” He finally says, and it clearly hits Miki like a bullet. Even I feel hurt by that. “Nyow g-g-get loss – lost.”
Takashi is stunned into silence between the two of them, and Ikuno is beginning to tremble. The classroom has gotten so quiet now.
Miki opens her mouth to say something, but quickly stops and takes a few calming breaths. Her eyes have welled up a little bit, but she turns away from Lou and heads for the door. Ikuno and Takashi immediately move after her, but she stops in the door, causing everyone to freeze.
“Asshole.” She says, before running into the hallway.
Nobody knows what to say, but Lou turns towards me and gives me a smile.
[Lunch?] He signs.
[Sure.] I reply.
I feel so sick.
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The short walk from the girl’s dorms to the boy’s feels so incredibly long. I guess Lou has noticed me scanning the treeline around us, and he squeezes my hand, hard.
When we arrive at the boy’s dormitories, Lou looks around before pulling me into another kiss. Our eyes stay open the whole time.
He quickly pulls me inside the building, still holding my hand firmly. There are a few boys in the common room, including Takashi, but he quickly turns away from us when our eyes meet, and Lou and I quickly disappear up the stairs to his room.
Everything feels grey.
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It’s been a week since Miki and Lou had their argument in class. She hasn’t eaten with us since, and Ikuno and Takashi have been eating with us less frequently too.
Lou and I have been spending a lot of time together now, still not saying much. Sometimes he kisses me, sometimes we have sex. We haven’t been on a date since he had his stroke, and we haven’t danced together either, despite my constant attempts to instigate it.
I had a cataplexy attack a few days ago. As always, Lou was there. He stayed with me until things calmed down.
When things got back to normal, I asked him if he wanted to talk about Miki, but he didn’t want to, and I haven’t really been able to bring it up since.
I’ve been thinking about my condition a lot lately. It used to make me so weak, but since Lelouch and I started dating, I haven’t had to worry about it nearly as much. If I was heading somewhere, and my limbs started to shut down I only had to say, and Lou would wait with me. Sometimes he’d carry me to class, or to the nurse’s office. Now, with how distant he feels, and how on edge he seems, I just want to carry him in return, but I guess I’m not that strong.
I’m not sure what we were on our way to do tonight, but our plans have certainly changed.
Takashi is standing in front of us, he looks determined, and a bit concerned.
“Lou, I need to talk to you.” He says.
I can already tell this is going to be bad. I guess Lou can as well, since he sighs loudly, which makes Takashi’s determined look falter for a moment.
[We’re busy.] He signs. But Takashi shakes his head. Lou turns towards me; he looks angry again.
“No, this can’t wait.” He says, closing the distance between them. I withdraw from Lou’s side a little.
There’s a brief silence, then Takashi begins again.
“I’m worried about you, we all are,” he thinks for a moment and takes a deep breath. “I think we should speak to the nursing staff; you didn’t act like this before.”
I can practically feel Lou’s temper rise now.
[I don’t need to go back to the hospital. I don’t need you looking out for me.] He signs, and Takashi’s face drops once again.
“Friends look out for each other man,” he says. He steps forward and tries to place a hand on Lou’s shoulder.
There’s a loud thud as Lelouch bats his hand away forcefully.
“Dyon’t to – toyuch me,” he spits.
Takashi looks angry for the first time since I met him.
“Why’re you doing this man? Why’re you being so cold?” Takashi asks, his tone rising. “Don’t you care about any of us anymore?”
“Guys…” I begin, but Lelouch’s angry stare shuts me up.
I sit down against the wall and Takashi gives me a sympathetic look. He faces Lelouch with a renewed determination.
I tuck my head into my arms.
I don’t see what Lou signs back, but Takashi clearly finds it upsetting, as he exhales angrily.
“You need to take a long hard look in the mirror man,” he says.
Lelouch presumably signs something else.
“Yeah, maybe
this is the real you after all. I guess the last two years were for nothing,” Takashi goes from angry, to just… sad.
“Shut up!” A voice says. I think it’s mine.
“Shut up!” I say again, and both turn to look at me. My eyes are stinging, but I’m not crying right now. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
Suddenly, there’s a hand on my shoulder.
I look up. It’s Lou. He’s not smiling, but he’s holding his hand out for me to take. I feel like a child.
Takashi is looking at me with a concerned expression.
I take Lou’s outstretched hand, and we pass Takashi in the hallway. Lelouch is holding my fingers tightly, but they feel like paper in his grip. I can’t say anything anymore.
Takashi watches us go. That sad, worried, look on his face. I keep looking back.
I tell Lelouch I want an early night, and he kisses me outside the girl’s dormitories. He says he wants to stay with me, but I tell him I’m not in the mood. I tell him a few times before he relents, and I enter my bedroom alone.
After an hour or two of staring at the ceiling, I reach into my bag and pull out my phone.
My fingers feel heavy now as I scroll through my contacts. It takes me a few moments, but I eventually find Mr Lamperogue’s number.
I hover over the dial button for about ten minutes.
I flip the phone shut, and continue to stare at the ceiling.
I don’t want to hurt Lou.
I’m scared of hurting Lou.
I guess I’m not that strong.
I slam my pillow into my bed. Over and over and over.
I kick my chair into the wall.
I straddle my mattress, and punch again and again and again. It starts to hurt but I keep punching.
When I scream, nothing comes out.
I call my parents.
They say they’ll pick me up this evening.
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Lou closes the door behind me, and then pulls the curtains closed. He kisses me again, firmer than before. I let him fiddle with the top button of my blouse and drop my bag to the floor beside us.
I don’t really know what’s brought this on, but when he kisses me again, I try to kiss back, if only a little.
I feel completely sapped as my shirt falls from my shoulders.
I run my fingers beneath his shirt and up his back. I know he likes that feeling.
I close my eyes, and I can almost see us dancing again. Dancing under the fireflies.
His hand reaches around my back and squeezes my butt. My hands begin to fiddle with his shirt buttons and one by one they come undone.
When I close my eyes again, I see his dazzling smile in the ballroom. That was the best birthday of my life.
Our kisses get more heated, and suddenly my bra falls to the floor. The feeling of his lips on my neck, slowly lowering down to my chest, sends electric currents through my body.
I remember the night of my birthday, when we stayed in the city. The night we first made love.
My hands undo the buckle of his belt, and he happily wiggles his hips as I help him out of his trousers. Once they’re off, he kneels down and moves his lips from my breasts to my abdomen. My skirt falls to the floor.
I close my eyes again, and I’m watching Lou in the hospital. He’s looking out the window, and chewing his lip… but there’s nothing really out there.
His touch brings me back to reality. I run my hands through his hair below me. The sensation of his lips and fingers forces me to cover my mouth.
On the ceiling, I see Lelouch’s welcome home party. Nobody is having any fun, and Lou isn’t paying anyone attention.
I drop to my knees in front of him. My underwear has come off already, so I return the favour, and kiss him as our hands explore one another’s most intimate areas.
My eyes close when we kiss, and I see Miki confronting him. She calls him an asshole. She asks where he’s gone. Takashi tries to keep the peace, but neither Lou nor Miki will back down. I suddenly feel very small, and Ikuno’s hand squeezes mine.
He squeezes me and lifts me to the bed. I let him kiss me again. His hands dig into my skin a little, and his kiss forces my head down into the pillow.
Takashi is talking to Lelouch. He asks him why he’s being so cold. He asks him if he even cares about any of us anymore. Lou sighs and he grabs my hand. We leave Takashi standing there in the hallway. Lou asks me why I keep looking back. It’s been two months since the welcome home party.
I fall onto the bed facing the ceiling. Lou kisses down my neck and chest again, I can’t think of anything except the feeling of his lips. His hand runs up and down the outside, and inside, of my thighs. He’s holding my shoulder with his free hand.
Ikuno is crying. She’s asking me questions. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t know the answers. I don’t know, I tell her. I don’t know, I repeat. It’s been two weeks since Takashi spoke to me last.
I let out an involuntary whimper as Lelouch enters me, and my arms clasp over his back.
He kisses my neck from above, and I reach up and hold his head between my hands.
I look into his eyes, but I don’t recognise him anymore. His nails dig into my arm.
He kisses me, and continues to thrust, sending shockwaves all over my body.
“I lyove you.” He whispers in my ear.
“I lo-love you.” He whispers again, “You’re all myine and I l-love you sho myuch.”
It feels like I’m trapped.
“I love you.” I respond, from somewhere inside me,
Those are the words that would bind us.
But something’s changed.
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We finished about an hour ago. Neither of us has been able to say anything to each other. Neither of us really finished, it just… stopped.
Lelouch stops running his hand through my hair. My shoulders tense up against him. He sits up and taps on the bed for me to sit facing him. Neither of us are wearing anything except our underwear, and without him next to me, I feel cold. His expression goes from angry, to… to sad.
[Something has changed.] He signs.
Something….
Where did everything go? I turned around for a minute, and all my stars had gone out. Their little lifeless bodies now decorating the bottom of a mason jar.
It takes all my strength, but I begin to sign back. I can feel my eyes stinging as I do.
[It’s you.] I sign, my hands shaking, my eyes already starting to stream with tears.
He looks angry again and turns away.
After what feels like an eternity of us just sitting like this, facing each other exposed, he turns back, his eyes red and teary like mine.
[I know.] He signs back, and I let out a loud sob.
I want to scream. I want to smack him for changing. I want to kiss him. I want to throw something. I want to help him.
My muscles fail me, and I collapse into him, sobbing as I do.
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There was a new guy in class today. I didn’t really pay him any attention. Molly asked me if I thought he was cute, but I didn’t answer her. She’s been trying to talk with me like we used to at the end of class.
Ikuno pulls her chair up next to me and opens her textbook. She’s been doing that every day for the last few days. She doesn’t say anything, like usual, but I appreciate the company. I think she probably knows what happened but she hasn’t asked me about it yet.
I rest my head on the desk and for the first time I feel the urge to say something, but my eyes are getting really heavy.
“Ikuno,” I manage, and she looks at me surprised. “I’m sorry.”
She takes a moment to process that, but I’m really starting to fade here. To my surprise she doesn’t say anything but begins to run her hand through my hair. It’s a nice feeling. It feels calming.
I let my eyes close and I feel another hand on me, this time on my back.
“We’re here for you Suzu.” I hear Takashi say.
“Always,” adds Miki.
I fall asleep.
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It’s been two weeks since I broke up with Lelouch, and I still don’t know how to process the feeling.
He told me he didn’t want to hurt me. He kept apologising, and for a moment, it felt like maybe the Lelouch I had been dating before his stroke was scratching to get out from beneath the surface. He begged me to stay with him, he told me he could change, but he kept signing the same thing, over and over.
[I need you.] He signed, again and again and again.
It was hard, but I told him I couldn’t help him.
I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up. I know that I’m still in love with him. Every time our eyes meet in class, my heart sinks.
He’s gotten more distant with everybody since then. Takashi tried to reach out to him, but they ended up fighting again.
Miki didn’t even bother.
I’m still empty. The world still feels so, so grey.
Ikuno told me that breakups always hurt like this but that’s not really what it is.
I love Lelouch but…
The Lelouch I was dating died in that hospital bed, and he took half of me with it.
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Ikuno told me this was a bad idea, but I can’t keep running away.
I won’t.
Lou is looking at me with an analytical stare, that same one he wore in his hospital bed three months ago.
Behind him the lights of the town below Yamaku have begun to come on, one by one.
He’s facing me, and I close the distance between us. Every step towards him feels like I’m walking underwater.
My eyes begin to water, but I’ve come this far.
[Hi.] I sign, trying to keep my hands clear and steady. Luckily it hasn’t gotten pitch black yet, so we can still see each other clear enough to talk through sign language. No doubt my voice would be a mess right now if I tried to speak.
[Hi.] He signs back.
[I wanted to apologise. I didn’t want to abandon you.] I sign, and he scrunches his face up, not like he’s angry, just like he’s hurting. I’m about to continue signing, but he coughs and signs back.
[I know I changed. I’m sorry if I hurt you.] He thinks for a minute. [Our relationship meant the world to me; I hate myself for ruining it.] He signs again, and I feel a wave of heartache shoot through me.
[It wasn’t just you.] I reply. [Maybe if I’d said something sooner. Maybe I could have helped - ] He shakes his head before I can finish signing.
[I don’t think it’s healthy for us to think like that.] He signs back and steps a foot closer towards me again. My heart sinks another level, but I know I must be strong for him, and for me.
Neither of us do anything for a while, we just stand there facing one another with the lights of the town coming on like stars behind us.
[I’m sorry that I texted you. I wanted to ask you for one last thing.] He eventually signs. I tilt my head inquisitively.
[Okay, but first, I wanted to ask you something too.] He returns my quizzical glance, but nods. [I wanted to know if we could try being friends.]
[Just friends?] He asks.
Am I ready for that? Even in this proximity, the memory of his touch is coursing through me. I know I’m not over him yet, I’m not sure I ever will be. But I don’t want to lose him completely again, I don’t want to look back and think all our love was for nothing.
It takes all my resolve, but I finally manage to sign back. [Just friends.]
He lets out a small sigh, but nods in agreement. His eyes tear up in the corners, but he shakes himself to try and ask me his question.
“Cy – can I,” he sniffles, but reaches his hand out to me. “Cayn, I – I Hayve one la- last, one laysht dance.”
I…
My eyes being to water again. But somehow, I don’t feel weak.
With whatever strength I have left, I fit my hand into his one final time. His arm finds my back, and that familiar feeling causes me to let out a whimper. I hear him do the same but we both straighten up, one final time.
Like a pair of circling comets, we begin to twirl in the night. Our steps don’t quite match again. We’re a little out of sync, but we twirl on anyway.
Things have changed for better or for worse, but like firefly stars, we shine on. Uncaptured by the mason jar of time.
Half in love and timeless, we twirl the night away, two firefly stars in a million.
Eventually this dance will end, and then, I’ll be unsure.
But hand to hand, and heart to heart, we’ll dance forever more.
After a few minutes of dancing, Lou whispers to me.
“I l-love you, Shuzu.” He says.
This is wrong. This isn’t how it was meant to be.
This isn’t how it was meant to end.
I let go of him and step back. Both of us are crying still. I don’t know what to say to him, so instead, I turn around.
Everything in me is screaming to look back as I walk away. It takes all my strength just to stop myself, but when I get to the end of the clearing, I can’t fight it anymore, and take one last look.
Lou is still stood there, his posture slumped over, his face shrouded in the dark.
I swallow my heart and leave him standing there alone. The guilty feeling inside me burns and bubbles, but there’s something else in me too. Something freeing, something now released.
Maybe things could have been different. Maybe, in another world we could have made things work. Maybe if I’d been better, our story could have been a happy one.
But that’s not the world I live in.
And this isn’t that kind of story.
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