Page 3 of 6

Re: Phantom Pains (Alternate Reality) [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 3:10 am
by Mirage_GSM
I continue to enjoy the heck out of this story :-)

I can't really say if your depiction of rehab is realistic, but I can say it feels that way.

Re: Phantom Pains (Alternate Reality) [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:55 am
by Alpacalypse
Whoo, we get more of this thing! :D
I'm enjoying this quite a lot. Please keep going.

And now, your regular broadcast of errors wot I found:
swampie2 wrote:the nurse was very exited, no?
"Excited"
swampie2 wrote:noticing my bawled up fist
"Balled-up", "bawled" means something different

That's all I got right now. May edit this with more if I find 'em, but you seem to be improving your SPaG a lot already :wink:

I've gotta say, mature Emi is growing on me. More clumsy Lilly wouldn't go amiss, though.
I'll be interested to see what you do with Rin.

Re: Phantom Pains (Alternate Reality) [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 3:14 pm
by swampie2
dewelar wrote:...Mirror Shoujo...
I really like that name :lol:
Thanks once more for the poem, I think it really makes the chapter
Blank Mage wrote:I was a bit worried that you might make Emi a bit too 'Ye Olden' after the last segment, but I must say that I like how you wrote her here.
I'm glad you approve, since this Emi is almost entirely of your creation :p
Mirage_GSM wrote:I continue to enjoy the heck out of this story :-)

I can't really say if your depiction of rehab is realistic, but I can say it feels that way.
I'm glad you're enjoying it :3
I tried to do as much research as possible, but it seems not many people are willing to speak about it, understandably. It's an alternate reality anyways, so it works :lol:
Alpacalypse wrote:...but you seem to be improving your SPaG a lot already :wink:
This means a lot, thanks! :D

Re: Phantom Pains (Alternate Reality) [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:36 pm
by Mirage_GSM
And I finally caught on to what you mean by "SPaG" ...

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 11:10 pm
by swampie2
Credits to weee for the artwork of Misha that I used this chapter!

Chapter List
Part 7: The Shanghai

After a short checkup I'm free for the rest of the day on nurse's orders. Luckily Emi has retrieved my other crutch from the cafeteria and delivered It to me before taking her leave In her usual polite manner that seems to have given the nurse a quick laugh, Perhaps they have history.

I begin the short walk through the building and notice that It's now very grey outside, large rainclouds gathering and planning imminent downpour. Despite the nurse telling me to take it easy, and the risk of getting soaked, I need to go into town or I'll starve. Luckily most of the walk into the nearby town is downhill, providing an easy pace most of the way there. After gathering various food items and a couple of necessities I decide that I may as well get some food while I'm down here, plus the walk up the hill Isn't going to be pleasant.

"The Shanghai?" I release the words from my mouth, almost too tired to to keep them In my head. Seems like a nice little coffee shop, plus the rain has started it's inevitable attack so I'd be happy to get out of the way.

"Mhmm." I hear a small voice behind me, and quickly swivel on my heel to see who It Is.

"0h, hey Shiina, you startled me"



"S-sorry..." Her words are almost inaudible, covered by the sound of raindrops hitting concrete. Her posture Is much more relaxed that I've seen her In school, but still turned away In a hesitant manner. A tiny smile adorns her face, I wonder why?

"You skipping class as well?"

"T-They make the n-nicest tea here."

"Then would you like to join me and escape the rain?"

All she offers is a tiny nod and a very meek "Please." we make our way inside the shop. It seems many people had the same idea as me In avoiding the rain. Now I notice that Shiina has pressed herself against my back and shrunk into her bangs, as if hiding from the crowds. I choose out an empty table that seems to be the furthest away from anyone else for Shiina's sake. Quickly an a waitress moves over to us, It seems that Shiina knows her.

"H-Hello Yuuko."

"Hey Misha, the usual?" At this point she notices me, and gives Shiina a not-so-hidden wink, sending her into a blush. "And you?" Her demeanor with me is much more aggressive with me, almost like she just wants to be done with taking my order and go back to doing something else as soon as possible.

"I'll take a coffee please." I respond with almost no emotion in my voice.

"T-The usual Is f-fine, t-thanks." Shiina is now sat on her hands, eyes fixed on the table In front of us.

"Eugh, now my hair is all wet." I sigh and attempt to pat It back down into coercion, but ultimately fail, this draws a small, stifled giggle out of Shiina.

"M-Mine too" At this point she raises her hands and attempts to re-curl her trademark haircut, with more success than me.

"Must be quite the task to curl that every morning, right?"

She nods, and releases a small "Mhmm" before Yukko returns with a mug of coffee and a small cup of tea, unfortunately giving each to the wrong person. After an awkward game of "Try not to touch each-others hands" we each take a sip of our respective drinks.

"A-Are you okay?" She unexpectedly breaks the silence "I-I mean after the cafeteria... sorry, I-" I cut off her un-necessary apology by waving my hand as If to push them out of the air.

"Just a little tired Is all, It was just a panic attack. Thanks for the concern." I catch a very small glint of intrigue in her eyes before It's replaced with her usual worried look.

"I-I know..." Her voice is so quiet I can barely hear it over the background murmur of conversation.

"You know? I guessed most people thought I was having a seizure or something."

"I... I h-have them s-sometimes t-too." Her stutter Is In full force this sentence.

"I'm sorry to hear that." That was a can of worms I did not intend to open. Luckily a large crash from the door distracts us both. I peer out from our little cove and see that Lilly has entered the shop and collided with Yukko while she was carrying a tray full of drinks. I can hear her energetic apology and Yukko saying it's okay, presumably trying to be away from her as soon as possible. Eventually she picks herself up and walks over to our end of the shop.



"H-Here Lilly." Shiina speaks up, and Lilly staggers over. I decide to introduce myself since she has no way of telling I'm here otherwise.

"Hey lilly." I smile despite the futility of the action. She quite visibly jumps, not expecting me to be here.

"You got yourself a date Misha?" She blurts out before covering her mouth with both hands, Shiina's entire face Is overcome with rosy red. She stutters to answer, but I do for her.

"It's not like that, we were just escaping the rain."

"Oh... Well that's anticlimactic" She flops down In the seat next to Shiina with all the elegance of a rhino, and without checking. She could have easily landed on Shiina's lap or the ground, It was lucky she actually found the seat. "You're feeling better Kazuko?"

"That I am, thanks." I sip at my quickly draining mug of coffee and notice that Shiina has shrunk further into the collar of her shirt attempting to hide her very red blush.

The afternoon passes making small talk with the two girls, each of us going through a couple drinks each, Lilly managed to spill more that half of one of her teas over the table and myself, so my attempt to escape from the rain has still left me wet. Sigh.

---

Previous || Next

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 19/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 11:41 am
by danfs
swampie2 wrote:

Who did the drawning?

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 12:39 pm
by RidiculousLuke
Who did the drawning?
weee, or raemz-desu.

He/she is a great artist :) One of the main Katawa shoujo ones I believe.

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:34 pm
by Mirage_GSM
I choose out an empty table
Is your native language bychance German?
He/she is a great artist :) One of the main Katawa shoujo ones I believe.
SHE is Hanako's character artist and drew most of the CGs in that route as well.

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:54 pm
by swampie2
Mirage_GSM wrote:
I choose out an empty table
Is your native language bychance German?
English actually :lol:
Just dyslexic English

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:56 pm
by danfs
Mirage_GSM wrote:
He/she is a great artist :) One of the main Katawa shoujo ones I believe.
SHE is Hanako's character artist and drew most of the CGs in that route as well.
As far as that I already knew, but I just wasn't expecting she to make a drawning for some (maybe) random Fan Fiction... or does the image already existed before Mirror Shoujo? (I liked this name as well :lol: )

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:06 pm
by swampie2
danfs wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:
He/she is a great artist :) One of the main Katawa shoujo ones I believe.
SHE is Hanako's character artist and drew most of the CGs in that route as well.
As far as that I already knew, but I just wasn't expecting she to make a drawning for some (maybe) random Fan Fiction... or does the image already existed before Mirror Shoujo? (I liked this name as well :lol: )
It did exist far before my fiction. I chose it because it was coloured in such a way that I could take the pink out quite easily and leave her (a bit) brunette.

I really should have credited her when I added it :(

Sorry weee!

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:38 pm
by swampie2
I'd love some feedback from you guys on an idea I had!

In an upcoming chapter there will be a strawpoll vote for you guys that will eventually lead to one of the characters being the main love interest.

When that part comes out, do you want to know what choice leads to what girl, or would you just like the choice to be "blind"

And if the votes are tied then I'll do a split timeline ;)

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 8:40 pm
by Sharp-O
You've set up a neat twist on the world and I've really been enjoying the ride so far!

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 9:03 pm
by danfs
swampie2 wrote:I'd love some feedback from you guys on an idea I had!

In an upcoming chapter there will be a strawpoll vote for you guys that will eventually lead to one of the characters being the main love interest.

When that part comes out, do you want to know what choice leads to what girl, or would you just like the choice to be "blind"

And if the votes are tied then I'll do a split timeline ;)
What I REALLY would like is for you to write the ones you feel more "right" for something to happen. And since I like to dream a little, I will hope that you do this for as many as possible characters you can, and dreaming even beyond, to all of them :)

Re: Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo [Updated 20/6/15]

Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2015 9:27 pm
by swampie2
danfs wrote:What I REALLY would like is for you to write the ones you feel more "right" for something to happen. And since I like to dream a little, I will hope that you do this for as many as possible characters you can, and dreaming even beyond, to all of them :)
It's a possibility for sure

If I do choose that then I can use the vote to decide what order to go in :P