Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club
Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 3:16 am
@Kyllman or anyone in this thread: If you have health insurance, many of the companies offer free over the phone counseling and some entitle you to 1-3 free sessions as long as the therapist is within your network (if already stated before in a previous page, I am sorry lol).
I just found this out Tuesday, and this is what led up to it:
I am well out of college and looking back has been years upon years of disappointment. I took this job as a logistics coordinator as a way to eliminate debt, and thought of it as a temporary position. It required 60% traveling and at first, like any other young kid out of college, loved it. I mean who would not like going to cities all expenses paid? Sightseeing, good food, get drunk, meet up with people, it initially was the best thing for an introvert like me. I tried to establish relationships at every chance I got, but found that a difference of interests, and the level of socializing involved in this job is way out of my wallflower expectations. Year after year, it became very difficult. I lost clients either due to the fact I was not socializing enough, or that I cracked a joke that I later learned they considered immature. Eventually, I shut myself out of the "networking" game because there were too many rules involved and I rather not even try to risk my "career."
I found out that my stepdad got laid off, and my mom needed extra money, so I was helping them out with payments. Some stupid driver wrecked my already-paid vehicle, so I had to get a new one. Year 4, my priority went from "looking for my passion" to "get paper" once again. Since I am only home 2 months of the year, my social life took a major nosedive. I missed parties, meeting new people, found out the girls I was interested back home were dating other guys (later turned into marriage / got kids) while I was stuck in a job, no future and depressed.
I always wanted a change in my life for the better, but I always had excuses, ya know. I'll run tomorrow, it is too cold. I'll run tomorrow, it is too hot. I'll run tomorrow, it is too damn early. I am tired from work, but I will practice extra hard at <insert hobby here> on the next night. I felt it was justified. I mean, different time zones every other week will screw up your sleep cycle, and my "excuses" acted like a soothing, addicting, drug (the alcohol helped too).
So, flash forward, this last Tuesday, when I had my annual performance review. I was nervous, but I had to do it. I basically told my boss that I am not happy at my job and implying that I am looking for a way out. Of course, my co-workers thought I was nuts, but my manager was shocked to hear this considering I don't talk to people often. Our 30 minute review turned into 1 hour, and he was firing questions at me left and right. I could have easily lied and reach into my bag of corporate loaded questions, but... Something inside me said, "Do it." I spoke the truth of my discontentment.
I was expecting to get fired; I even asked him that. He said, "we are not going to let you go, you've done great every year, but I do recommend you seeing an occupational therapist about this. If you find what you want to do in our company, we are willing to work with you."
I called up my insurance company and basically they told me that their certified therapists, under my insurance plan,gives me the first 3 sessions free. I scheduled my first session after I get back from a grueling business trip. I am nervous. I have no problem talking to doctors about my physical health, but this is a new medium for me.
My family has a stigma on letting outsiders know what goes on in the circle, and if I were to get the change I truly wanted, I better make this work. It is hard to break out of my comfortable situation, I could easily have kept my mouth shut, did my job, and that 5+ years turn into 10 years, no girlfriend, drink 5-7 beers every week and etc; But its not what I want. I wanted to work on my productivity, I have the tendency to laze about, so I got medication. The bad part is that it is not recommended to drink alcohol with it, so I've cut back and found bars to be even more boring than usual. XD
At this point guys, because now my company knows I am not motivated to stay, and with my co-workers resigning, I am bullshitting you if I tell you that completely calm and not downright terrified of what will happen from now til 2014.
SUMMARY: 5 years in a high-travel job, detached, no life, and with grown depression. Just had 2013 performance review, I told my boss that I hate the job. Awaiting free therapy, change is fucking scary.
I just found this out Tuesday, and this is what led up to it:
I am well out of college and looking back has been years upon years of disappointment. I took this job as a logistics coordinator as a way to eliminate debt, and thought of it as a temporary position. It required 60% traveling and at first, like any other young kid out of college, loved it. I mean who would not like going to cities all expenses paid? Sightseeing, good food, get drunk, meet up with people, it initially was the best thing for an introvert like me. I tried to establish relationships at every chance I got, but found that a difference of interests, and the level of socializing involved in this job is way out of my wallflower expectations. Year after year, it became very difficult. I lost clients either due to the fact I was not socializing enough, or that I cracked a joke that I later learned they considered immature. Eventually, I shut myself out of the "networking" game because there were too many rules involved and I rather not even try to risk my "career."
I found out that my stepdad got laid off, and my mom needed extra money, so I was helping them out with payments. Some stupid driver wrecked my already-paid vehicle, so I had to get a new one. Year 4, my priority went from "looking for my passion" to "get paper" once again. Since I am only home 2 months of the year, my social life took a major nosedive. I missed parties, meeting new people, found out the girls I was interested back home were dating other guys (later turned into marriage / got kids) while I was stuck in a job, no future and depressed.
I always wanted a change in my life for the better, but I always had excuses, ya know. I'll run tomorrow, it is too cold. I'll run tomorrow, it is too hot. I'll run tomorrow, it is too damn early. I am tired from work, but I will practice extra hard at <insert hobby here> on the next night. I felt it was justified. I mean, different time zones every other week will screw up your sleep cycle, and my "excuses" acted like a soothing, addicting, drug (the alcohol helped too).
So, flash forward, this last Tuesday, when I had my annual performance review. I was nervous, but I had to do it. I basically told my boss that I am not happy at my job and implying that I am looking for a way out. Of course, my co-workers thought I was nuts, but my manager was shocked to hear this considering I don't talk to people often. Our 30 minute review turned into 1 hour, and he was firing questions at me left and right. I could have easily lied and reach into my bag of corporate loaded questions, but... Something inside me said, "Do it." I spoke the truth of my discontentment.
I was expecting to get fired; I even asked him that. He said, "we are not going to let you go, you've done great every year, but I do recommend you seeing an occupational therapist about this. If you find what you want to do in our company, we are willing to work with you."
I called up my insurance company and basically they told me that their certified therapists, under my insurance plan,gives me the first 3 sessions free. I scheduled my first session after I get back from a grueling business trip. I am nervous. I have no problem talking to doctors about my physical health, but this is a new medium for me.
My family has a stigma on letting outsiders know what goes on in the circle, and if I were to get the change I truly wanted, I better make this work. It is hard to break out of my comfortable situation, I could easily have kept my mouth shut, did my job, and that 5+ years turn into 10 years, no girlfriend, drink 5-7 beers every week and etc; But its not what I want. I wanted to work on my productivity, I have the tendency to laze about, so I got medication. The bad part is that it is not recommended to drink alcohol with it, so I've cut back and found bars to be even more boring than usual. XD
At this point guys, because now my company knows I am not motivated to stay, and with my co-workers resigning, I am bullshitting you if I tell you that completely calm and not downright terrified of what will happen from now til 2014.
SUMMARY: 5 years in a high-travel job, detached, no life, and with grown depression. Just had 2013 performance review, I told my boss that I hate the job. Awaiting free therapy, change is fucking scary.
