I'm with Hisao, as I somehow remember being so many times before. We're standing in the middle of a forest, with nothing around us but the trees and the sounds of nature. Sunlight streams in through the canopy above, its beams dancing in the air and forming intricate patterns on the forest floor.
The two of us stand just a little apart, our hands clasped as we stare into each others' eyes. Patiently, he waits for me to move closer. I take a step forward, and my hands move to his shoulders. I close my eyes and lean forward, pressing my lips to his...
...this is where it's supposed to end...
...this is where it's always ended...
...but not this time...
...this time, a different sound begins to swell in the background...
...laughter. Cold, mocking laughter, like I used to hear in my old school, or in the orphanage, fills the air around me. I try to banish it from my head as I feel Hisao's lips pressing back against mine, but it's no good. The sound swells, until my senses are surrounded by it, and my eyes are forced open.
We're no longer in the forest. Instead, we're standing outside the boys' dormitory, surrounded by people. I look around and can make out familiar faces within the crowd: my former friends from elementary school, people from the orphanage, students from Yamaku. I turn back to look at Hisao, but he's no longer there. In his place is Mutou, shaking his head at me while chuckling darkly. I turn back around, and I see Emi Ibarazaki, her eyes narrowed and a broad, evil-looking grin on her face, pointing at me and snickering.
I try to run, to find a way through the crowd and get to the safety of the dormitory, but somehow, I'm now in the main building, just outside the library. I try to open the door, but it's locked. Yuuko stands next to it, laughing herself as she shouts "The library is closed!"
I whirl around, looking for a way to escape, but someone catches me. I look up to see Lilly's face. She's not laughing, but she is wearing that damnable fake smile of hers, making a mockery of my pain like she always did. Although I don't see her lips move, I hear her voice say, "I've come back, Hanako. I've come back to reclaim what is rightfully mine, and there's nothing you can do about it."
The laughter continues to grow louder, and from behind me, Hisao emerges and moves to Lilly's side. The two of them embrace, kissing each other with wild abandon, and suddenly I feel like I can't move, like I'm rooted to the spot, forced to watch them.
Inside my head I hear another voice. It's Miss Yumi, saying "Did you really think it would be so easy, Miss Hanako? You must keep reaching out, or you will never be able to hold onto anything..."
I'm suddenly at the house in Hokkaido. Hisao and Lilly have now undressed each other, and Lilly lays Hisao back onto the futon. I shut my eyes, but I can hear the sounds of them making love, like I could sometimes when they were in Lilly's room. All the while I can do nothing but stand here helplessly, frozen in place, trapped by my own anxiety.
No.
Not frozen.
Not this time.
I summon every ounce of energy I have, and wrench my eyes open. Now I'm in Lilly's room, and the two of them are on her bed. Slowly, painfully, I force myself to start moving toward them. I open my mouth, and as I start to shout...
"N-"
...
I sit bolt upright in my bed, and see sunlight streaming in through the small opening in my drapes. Morning has finally arrived after another difficult night. I don't often have nightmares that don't involve the accident, but last night it was my better thoughts that were twisted back on me. The details fade as I shake off the last vestiges of sleep, leaving behind a feeling of emptiness. As soon as I've showered and gotten dressed, I head down to the library, not wanting to stay here.
As I walk down the path toward the main building, I think I know what triggered the nightmare. The thought that was in my head after I kissed Hisao still hasn't left.
I really hope that wasn't a mistake.
It's not the type of thing that's supposed to pop into your head after your first kiss. Then again, that wasn't the way a first kiss is supposed to go, or so I've been told. When I was very young, my mother told me that I should wait until I knew the boy returned my feelings. Every time I start to think she was right, or that it really was a mistake, I remind myself of the most important detail of that moment.
Hisao kissed me back.
It was the first real sign that he might have some feelings for me, too. It may not be much, not yet, but like the night Lilly left, it's another step forward. It's something that can be built on. It's why I know I can be patient, as long as that door is still open.
Hisao doesn't make an appearance in the library today. It's not that I expected him to, but if he'd decided how he was going to respond last night, he'd come down as early as he could. As lunchtime approaches, I replace the book I'd tried to read and leave the library for the tea room.
As I'm setting out my lunch, I hear an unexpected knock at the door. It startles me enough that I drop one of the teacups. I make my way to the door and open it enough to see Hisao standing on the other side, carrying his own lunch. "Hisao?" I say in surprise. "You...didn't need to knock."
Hisao rubs the back of his head as he says, "Actually, I kind of felt like I should." I look at him questioningly, and he continues, "Hanako...I...can't answer you yet, but if you'd like some company, poor as mine might still be, I'd be glad to join you for lunch."
Although I try not to show it, I'm a little flustered by the question. This is the situation I was trying to avoid by telling Hisao that when he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me. Hisao has a lot of good points, but taking hints is surely not one of them. Still, the fact that he's asking before joining me shows that at least some part of the message got through.
It puts the ball in my court, and I'm just not strong enough to turn him away. Not yet.
"Okay," I say quietly while opening the door the rest of the way. As he enters behind me, I say in as neutral a voice as I can muster, "W-would you like some tea?"
"Yes, please...if it's not too much trouble," Hisao replies as he sits down.
I start the tea, and glance over my shoulder to see Hisao staring out the window. He seems almost...uncomfortable, as I can hear him shifting in his chair as I finish the preparations. When I turn around to pour the tea, I try not to let on that I've noticed, but it starts to make me anxious. I wind up having to consciously slow myself down so that I don't spill anything before I sit down across from him.
Neither of us says anything while we eat. Normally, I'd be content to just sit quietly with Hisao, whether here or reading in the library, but today's silence feels more palpable, more oppressive. I'm sure Hisao feels it, too, because he continues to shift positions periodically. There's an almost...
unnatural quality to the whole scene.
When we're done with our lunches, Hisao helps me clean up, still not saying anything. Afterwards, he returns to his chair and stares out the window. Moving almost automatically, I pick up the box containing the chess pieces. Before I bring them over to the table, I stop myself, knowing this can't continue. I turn toward Hisao, who's now absent-mindedly folding and unfolding a napkin. Not entirely sure how to proceed, I venture forth anyway, saying, "Y-you seem a little...lost, Hisao."
He lets out a long breath, frowning. "Yeah, that's a good way to describe how I feel. I was just thinking that coming here today might not have been the best idea."
A little late for that, Hisao.
He is right, though. I think we both knew that already, but neither of us trusted our instincts. I'm a little ashamed of myself for putting my own desire to be with Hisao ahead of common sense. I sit down, back to being unable to look at him.
"When you asked to come in, I...thought maybe we c-could still talk...and maybe play some chess, but th-things have...changed too much, haven't they?" I briefly glance up at Hisao, but all he does is grimace.
This really was all a mistake, wasn't it? Damn it, why can't I do any of this right?
"I'm s-sorry, Hisao," I say, trying to control my breathing. "That was the one thing I...didn't want to happen. I...I shouldn't have...t-told you..."
"No, Hanako, please...don't apologize," Hisao says, reaching across to take my hand in his. "It's my fault for coming down to see you before I felt right about things. I...wish I had an answer for you, you deserve that much." He looks down at the table himself, a tone of frustration in his voice. "I...just didn't want either of us to be alone. I'm the one who should be sorry."
Hisao...you always know how to put things in the right perspective for me. I need to return that favor now.
"You...shouldn't apologize either. Y-you...wouldn't be w-who you are if you...didn't try." I get up from my chair, reluctantly withdrawing my hand from Hisao's. I pick up and throw away the remnants of our lunch, trying to gather my strength to do what I need to do and say next.
Hisao takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Maybe that's the problem. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, waiting for something to fall into place somehow. Today was the one day where that was the wrong thing to do."
Instinctively, I come around to Hisao's side of the table and lay a hand on his shoulder. "I...know. You've always been patient with me, but now...y-you need to be patient with yourself. I'll...still be here."
Without turning around, he places his hand on mine again, then simply nods. I start to walk away, but as I open the door I take one last look back at Hisao. Even during the times he was having trouble sleeping, or even the day we went into town, I've never seen him look so tired. As much as I want to be there, to let him lean on my shoulder, that's not what he needs. Slowly, I slide through the doorway, leaving it slightly ajar, as it was when he came in.
Smallest of all.
I just inflicted what I'd feared upon myself. Miss Yumi would probably call that progress.
Even though the library is still open, I decide I can't go back there today, so I slowly make my way up the hallway. Without thinking, I find myself returning to my game of stepping on only the darker tiles. It's a small comfort in my current sea of uneasiness.
Like the floor, the pattern of my recent life has become predictable. Every time I try to move myself forward, I wind up somehow ruining it, or being hemmed in by my own walls. I told Hisao how I felt before I should have, and it's taking a toll on me in more ways than one. The feeling is magnified when I enter my room and the first thing I see on my desk is the book I borrowed not long ago from the library:
Chess Tactics for Champions.
The world has decided to taunt me.
After I met Lilly, I found myself enjoying the time I spent with another person for the first time since before the accident. Still, I always thought that if I had to go back to how things were during my first year, I could. Now that I'm teetering on the edge of that possibility, I realize that it's not likely to be that easy.
She helped me then...maybe she can help me now.
I reach for my phone, but it's still a couple of hours before I can be sure Lilly's awake. Despite myself, she's always believed in what I could be, not just who I am. If Lilly thinks I could be good for Hisao, maybe she can help me figure out how to get myself to that place. She's not the kind of person who says things like that unless...
...unless she's thought them through.
Just how long DID you know how I felt, Lilly?
Pushing that thought aside for now, I take another look through the chess book, which I will need to return tomorrow. All the while, I'm keeping one eye on the clock. Once enough time has passed for there to be a good chance that Lilly is awake, I grab my phone off the shelf. I look back in my call history, as I've been too wrapped up to program the number into my phone, and place the call. After just a couple of rings, someone picks up. It's a woman's voice, speaking in English that's heavily accented. I presume it's Lilly's mother.
"H-hello, is this...Mrs. Satou?" I say in my best English.
"It is. Who might this be?"
"M-my name is...Hanako Ikezawa. I'm a...f-friend of Lilly's."
"Ah! I've heard quite a bit about you from my daughter! I'll tell her to pick up in her room."
"Th-thank you."
I can hear voices in the background as I wait. After perhaps half a minute, I hear Lilly's voice saying, "Hello, Hanako. It's so good to hear from you. How are you?" It's the happiest I've heard her sound in weeks, and my mood immediately lightens a bit.
"I'm...okay. How are you? Are you...getting used to things yet?"
"I'm finding it easier to...make my own way, yes." It didn't take long for Lilly to start choosing her words carefully. "I've been working with my mobility instructor quite extensively. It's very time-consuming, as you might imagine."
"Right," I say, remembering some of the stories she told of the difficulty in navigating the crowded streets of Sendai. "I'm a l-little surprised you're home. You can't have much time left to...finish things."
"The instructor has been very...accommodating," Lilly says, sounding a bit embarrassed. "Since I'm still...adjusting to the time difference, she has been starting my lessons after lunch." I stifle a giggle at that. "Still, I can already navigate most of my new school, albeit with some difficulty."
"That's...good to hear."
"Hanako," Lilly says, a more serious tone entering her voice, "given how expensive this call must be for you, I presume you wanted to talk to me about something in particular. Is there something wrong?"
"I...don't know. Hisao invited me to...go into the city with him yesterday."
"My, my," Lilly says with a quiet laugh, "I didn't expect things to move that quickly."
"I...I think he just...invited me as a friend."
"Even so, after our last conversation, you were quite unsure that he would even want to be with you. I sincerely hope you no longer believe that."
"No, not r-really. But...when we came back to Yamaku, I...c-confessed to him."
There's a long pause on the other end of the phone. "Oh," Lilly says at last. "That seems rather...abrupt."
I don't need you to tell me that.
After that remark, I'm a little embarrassed to mention that I kissed Hisao as well, so I hold that part back for now. Before I can respond further, she asks, "So...did he accept?"
I pause myself this time before responding. "No," I say quietly. I hasten to add, "B-but he didn't reject me either. At least...not yet."
"I'm not sure what I understand, Hanako. What did he say?"
Saying this next part out loud, my embarrassment deepens. "I...didn't let him respond, because I knew he still needed t-time."
"Hanako," Lilly says, in her teaching voice, "if you knew he needed time, why didn't you wait?"
"I...wanted to tell him before Naomi came back."
Again, silence ensues for a bit before Lilly replies. "Ah, I didn't know you were still planning on leaving. Have you spoken with him today?"
"We met in the...tea room for lunch. He said he s-still couldn't answer."
"Did he say why?"
"Not specifically, b-but I think I might...know." I wince, not really wanting to admit this next part. "I d-don't think he's...over you. Not yet."
Lilly sighs heavily, then says, "I doubt that. At least, that wasn't the impression I took from our last conversation. He may not hate me, but I don't believe he thinks too highly of me."
You should know better than that, Lilly.
Remembering what he said about that conversation, though, I can see where she might have gotten that impression. "I...told him what you s-said to me, that your...relationship was o-over. He said you...hadn't told him that."
I suddenly feel like I'm in junior high, or at least the junior high I've read about, relaying messages for two people who had a fight. I didn't realize that happened in real life.
Lilly sighs again, sounding exasperated. "Do you think it would make a difference?
He certainly believed it to be over once I told him I was leaving." There's silence again for a moment, after which Lilly seems to have gathered herself. "I'm sorry, Hanako. I...suppose that nerve is still a bit raw for me as well. In any case, when we last spoke, he made it quite clear that he preferred not to discuss the matter. I think it's best that I honor that request."
That's what I should have expected, I suppose. "I...understand." If Lilly's right about Hisao, that means I have to consider the other possibility, the one that scares me the most. "If it's...not about you...I wonder if he...m-might like s-someone else."
Another hesitation. It isn't normally like Lilly to find choosing her words this difficult. "Did...something happen to lead you to believe that he might?"
"N-not exactly, but he has been spending a lot of time with...E-Emi. She c-called him while we were in the c-city before...before I..."
Thankfully, Lilly interrupts before I go any further. "Hanako, that's probably something you should have found out before you confessed. It's something you could have learned from...well, from my example. At the time, I thought I was fortunate that Hisao returned my feelings. I thought...that would have been enough, that somehow we could work the rest out. In hindsight, I'm reminded of why I put such careful planning into my actions, because the alternative can truly be...painful."
It didn't have to be that way, Lilly. You just made it that way.
"But...if you'd let yourself be less careful...you and Hisao might s-still be...together."
Lilly laughs softly. "If you're saying that the way to Hisao's heart is to throw caution to the wind, perhaps Ibarazaki is his type after all." I gasp at the comment, and Lilly quickly says, "I'm sorry, Hanako...that didn't quite come out right, I'm afraid."
"It's...okay. I...didn't mean..."
"Perhaps," Lilly interrupts again, "it's best if we don't discuss this subject either. I don't want either of our emotions to get the better of us."
I'm not entirely sure what Lilly means by that, and right now I'm not sure I want to know, either. "If you...think so."
"I do wish I could be of more help, Hanako. I'm truly sorry."
Are you really?
"G-good night, Lilly. Talk to you...soon."
"Good night, Hanako."
I hang up my phone and replace it on the shelf, feeling worse now than I did before. The door may not be closed yet, but it looks like I'm not going to have any help keeping it open.
Smallest of all.
~~~~
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. Knowing that my story's got people thinking and talking about it is a good feeling 
.
That was just mean of her.