To be honest this is my first post on the forum and my English is poopy ,but first things first.
I absolutely love the Hanako story (hell i cried a few times
) but on topic.
I have always been the weird kid in class, never popular, never a (loser), never everything, always me, only me.....
That being said i had friends, not good friends, but friends i hanged out with quite often in fact.
This was when everything was happy days and sunshine and rainbows when i was about 6-7 years old.
But my mom and dad would always fight and yell over anything that happen, every day, every night.
most of the nights i could not sleep, i cried my self to sleep more often than you normally fall asleep.
I started falling behind in school when i was about 10 so 3 years of crying myself to sleep almost every night.
I also felt like i slowly drifted away from everything i hold dear, my friends did not talk to me a much as they normally did, (i normally was outgoing, happy and always with a smile on my face)
i became a loner, i never talked to people. i was always alone. i would never make eye contact with other people cause i was shy very VERY shy.
Talking to people was out of the question. i was just alone, it was easier for me for me to think about things.
One night my dad went out drinking. and i 2 minutes my mom, brothers, my dog (King) and me was in the car on our way out of town. Where, i did not know but on the look on my mothers face it was away, away from my hometown, away from everything i knew.
King was dropped off at my aunt and we were on our way to a place an hour away.
My mother had been seeing another man but he was nice, very friendly, i remember we got a soda and me and my brothers watched cartoons, well i was mostly thinking like i always do.
A couple months later my dad was gone and the new guy moved in our house in my hometown. The fighting and yelling was over and i guess i should be happy right ?, i was not happy, i was neither sad, i was just thinking. At that time in my life i was thinking of many things like always, but one thing i particular. What if i had been a better son would they have stopped fighting and love each other again?
What if this and What if that, if was never happy thoughts, and i could not tell anybody anything
My new stepfather was quite nice, but i could see he was changing, and not for a better person. he started being mean to everybody. specially to me, he always teased me why i never talked and made fun of me and saying i was a freak (not normal). I did not really care on the outside but i felt terrible on the inside and started questioning myself. maybe i am weird, maybe i am a freak.
My mom was oblivious to what was happening and before i know of it i was 14 and on my way to his part of the country (i live in Denmark btw
) 1 and a half hour away on an island called "Mors" in Northjutland
It was kinda weird at start, new school, new people, a new life?
I tried my best to be talkative and look happy, and hell it worked i got alot of new friends, even more than in my hometown in just a month. I was starting to become happy again, but still alot of things troubled me and i was still thinking alot about this.
So school was great, i had many friends and even girls talked to me (i have always been shy meeting new people, but girls was in a whole new league of shyness
) but at home everything was far from great, my stepdad had in the following months transfromed from a man i did not like to being abusive, not physical abusive, but mentally abusive.
I could not see friends when i came home from school, we could never watch tv or be indoor, we should always be outdoor and for a teenager being outside for 8 hours a day in cold harsh weather was though, i normally took a book with me and went to the football field and sat down under the big tree near the football field. i don't know why i started to read, i guess i just started reading cause i felt like i got my mind on other things other that my stepdad and every thing that a teenage boy think about.
While my stepdad was being abusive to me and my brothers, his daughter who was about 2 years old was his princess and if we did not please her or him, we would get grounded (not like he could take our things away since that had already happened)
I started to become depressed and i was thinking about suicide every day and how it would just have been easier to just end it, end it all...
Also something happened that i never can forgive myself.
This girl liked me and i did not really like her back that way but i never told her. and one night she asked if she could be my girlfriend. i said .............yes. she did not know about my depression or how alone i felt in the world at that point, and i just needed some who liked me, but not like this.
I have never been openly emotional so kinda having a girlfriend was hard, not just that i don't like her like that, but doing stuff like holding hands in public was a giant step for me, and i felt quite awkward.
(I have always been a nice guy and always sets other peoples need in first place before mine).
I did not have sex with her or even kissed her cause it seemed wrong and i broke up with her 2 weeks later, And i explained that i did not really like her like that from the beginning.
But the worst part is the look in her eyes, that cold look like everything was going to crash, i have never in my life felt like such a douche bag before, but i became my own worst enemy.
Next day when the news got out, some people asked who broke up with who. fuck.........i messed up, i messed up so bad. i told them i did with a little smile on my lips, and worst of all she was in the same room, fuck!..................
I could see how her head fell down on her desk silently. (note that she was not popular and was often getting picked on because of rumors)
i crushed her heart, never have i felt so worthless in my life. i broke my number one rule "Always be nice to everybody. but i gets even worse.
I became popular of a lie.......... i could have told them the truth and said i did not feel that way but i didn't, i fucked up......... i fucked up big time.
It was hard enough seeing myself being for depressed, But seeing another person, The first girl in my entire life who actually liked me being depressed, i could not bear it i ran, i ran so fast teardrops started to fall, not sure if it was cause of the wind or because i was the biggest loser i have ever met.
I think i ran 10 or 15 min before i sat down in the side of a road. i was there a couple of hours just thinking.
Many of the thoughts was suicide, ever few seconds suicide popped in front of my eyes. I mean hell why should i stay on this earth, what was there to life for, i have no real friends, i'm doing bad at school, i hate my home and the only girl in the world who have ever liked me, i crushed er heart.
I called my mom and said i would sleep at a friends house, but i didn't i was up the whole night under the tree at the football field thinking, Why do i have to be so dumb so dumb dumb dumb dumb................................
I skipped school the next two weeks cause i could not forgive myself for doing sure a thing.
my mom and stepdad did not know of me skipping school. but i eventually got caught.
my stepdad was furious, he multiple times treated to slap me. and i kinda agreed on that cause why not. i fucked up.
I got dragged to the principal and asked what was wrong. i could have said the truth but i didn't, i just said that i did not like school.
i kept getting more and more depressed and i sinked deeper and deeper into a hole of depression and suicide thoughts.
i did not like my stepdad and after some time my mom neither.
i remember the day we left him, he stood at the door and cried. i'm not sure why but he did.
we moved back to my hometown and i started in my old class again.
everything was the same except everyone was taller and some looked different.
My friends was no longer my friends, i was the schools loner the whole 3 month's i went there, i just sat in class staring at my desk then went to the library in breaks course i knew i did not have to talk to anybody cause nobody came to the library anyways. my social skills became worse as i even had problems talking to my mom and my new stepdad.
I moved school and started in a new school not far from where i lived.
first words i taught on the way to school was. "new life, new chance"
For the whole year i tried to avoid human interaction, my new step farther was nice i could basically do what ever i want, which 99% of the time ended sitting in front of the computer doing nothing but surfing the internet.
The days goes faster and days becomes years and before i know it i'm 19 in second year of gymnasium, never kissed a girl yet talked to a girl. never goes to parties never hang out with the few friends i know. i just sit in front of the computer doing nothing with my life but seeing videos and surfing the internet.
i said to myself that i had to start doing something, so i started at my local gym.(i'm not fat and i don't think i'm bad looking) i felt better and hoping girls would notice me but they didn't, i kinda understand course who wants a loser like me. plus what if the same thing happens like on Mors, i know i did not like her that way but still what if.........
i fell lonely, sad, depressed, i think all the time, i recently started reading manga and watching animes and i really like it, i often think why i could not be male person i these animes. cute girls everywhere, man i only i could live in one of these for one day, just one day..................
Today was a normal day me.
I went to school, got to read about fifty pages of a good book in the breaks, went to the gym. I always feel awkward around people i don't know, i even feel awkward just walking in the hallway, even mroe if people look at me i become stiff like a board.
So yea about 12 years or so of being a loner, loser, douche, you name it.
i have never really speaked about this to anyone so this is kinda a big step for me.
So so sorry for a really long post but i had to. (also sorry for bad English again
) ps( i don't care if anyone reads this i just wanted to tell my story to someone/anyone
.)
-Jesprdj
>.< . I still feel bad about it. The guilt, man, the guilt. And no, no sex.
.