I stand frozen in front of the building for a few moments.
But...
As I watch Hanako walk away, I bring my hand to my chest.
Beating fast, that's obvious, but thankfully no pain. Maybe there's something to this exercise thing.
Hanako turns back briefly, and in my current state I can barely bring myself to wave. She gives me a small smile before turning the corner around the side of the building. Once she disappears from view, I open the door and head to my room. I decide to use the elevator, just in case.
Well, now I have my answer. There's no doubt about that.
More has happened in my life during this first week of summer break than...well, probably the entire history of my summer breaks put together. While a lot of things have been turned upside-down since my heart attack, I never would have predicted that the trimester would feel more like the break and vice versa. I briefly wonder whether, if I hadn't been drawn into Lilly's world, my time at Yamaku might have always been this way, or whether life was just playing catch-up now.
Maybe it's playing catch-up for everything.
Hanako's confession didn't take me by surprise, but what followed certainly did. I can't deny that I felt something when she kissed me, because I responded pretty readily. As far as what it was that I felt...I'm not sure I can answer that. When Lilly and I kissed, I could easily sense the passion, the hunger...the "healthy adolescent sex drive," as she used to call it. Hanako, on the other hand...I could feel how tentative she was, and the only thought I could muster was that I didn't want her to be.
Was that...wrong of me somehow?
Lying on my bed and trying to get my heart back to a more normal level of abnormal, I fix my gaze onto the corner of the ceiling. When I asked Hanako to come into the city with me today, part of me had been hoping to find out how she felt. Sitting in that karaoke booth, both of us let our guard down more than we ever had before. I feel like, in the process, my relationship with her might have become even stronger than the one I had with Lilly, with whom I'd never really felt like I could do that.
And yet I could probably say something similar about someone else...
Just yesterday, Emi was the one who helped me to a breakthrough. Even if she hasn't told me outright, I know how she feels about me, and, if I'm going to be honest with myself, the way I'd been starting to feel about her as well. Does Hanako's confession change that?
Should it? Does it even change how I feel about
Hanako?
At least I can answer that last one: it absolutely does. Up until yesterday, I hadn't really considered that Hanako and I could be anything other than friends. Now, that's exactly what I have to consider if I'm going to answer her.
If I'm not mistaken, she'd been holding that confession back for a long time. Hanako mentioned that I never treated her differently, or acted differently around her. That's certainly true, because I made every effort to do that for everyone. Until now, I didn't think that was so special of me, that other people didn't make that kind of effort. I'm...not sure I want to think about that. I wonder if that's what Lilly meant when she said that I'd had a hand in Hanako's progress.
I wonder how much Lilly knew...
And once again, I catch myself thinking about Lilly. For all that I declared myself ready to move forward, I still miss her. After all, even if I don't love her as a girlfriend any more, she was a friend to me first, and that's something I could use right now.
I also owe her an apology for that phone call.
I pick up a book from the dwindling pile that I still need to return to the library, and hope to lose myself in it. Between reading, wandering around the near-empty building, and watching television in the deserted common room, I spend the rest of the day trying to distract myself so that I can reboot my thought process. Unfortunately, none of it helps in the slightest. I don't know if I was expecting some kind of epiphany like yesterday's, but if so, it fails to present itself before I finally start to doze off.
Some time later, my alarm goes off to herald yet another morning with my head spinning. I suppose I should be used to it by now, but I had hoped that yesterday might be the beginning of a new trend. At this point, after yesterday's failures, I'm holding out hope that running will do its job and help me clear my head this morning.
It's an odd feeling to find comfort in something that has been part of my life for less than a week. Up until now, that's been due in large part to the person who joins me in the activity, but this morning that's not necessarily the case. After yesterday's phone call, I doubt I'll be able to avoid the subject of Hanako, and I still don't know exactly why Emi called in the first place.
After getting dressed, I make my way down to the track, where I see Emi sitting on the bleachers. That in itself is unusual, but from the slump in her shoulders I immediately know something's wrong. When I get closer, I can see that she's not wearing her running clothes, either.
"Hey, Emi," I say to her as I approach. "What's going on?"
When she finally turns toward me, she has a sad smile on her face. She also looks like she hasn't slept much lately. "Hey, Hisao," she says in a dejected voice. "As you can probably guess, I won't be able to run with you today. Or for the next couple days, either."
Danger signs immediately start flashing in my head. Emi not being able to run is like me not being able to breathe. "What happened?"
Emi sighs heavily, drawing her knees up to her chest and putting her head down on them. "I did something stupid yesterday. I came down here and ran after the nurse told me not to, and things were even worse than in the morning. When I went to his office, he told me I couldn't run again until at least Monday."
I come over and sit down next to her. "So why are you down here? Why didn't you just call me and tell me you couldn't run?"
Emi looks up at me, her smile a little brighter. "Because I owed you one for coming down on Tuesday even though you felt like crap."
I chuckle at that, saying, "Well, I guess we're even on that one, then."
"Besides," she continues with a half-hearted wink, "I'm not sure I trust you to run if I'm not down here yet."
I smile back, and as I start to stretch out I ask, "So, this running you weren't supposed to do yesterday, did it have something to do with what you wanted to talk to me about when you called?"
Emi gets that look I've seen a couple times, where it seems she's not sure whether she wants to say something. "Run first," she says finally. "We can talk when I join you for your cool-down. Now get moving, ye scalawag!"
"Aye, aye, cap'n!" I say as I move out onto the track. I start to run, and I have to admit it feels strange without Emi pacing me. While she still shouts encouragement as I go by, when I sneak an occasional look at the bleachers, the look on Emi's face wrenches my heart.
So much for the run clearing my head.
While the run seems to go by more slowly than usual, at least I don't feel any worse afterwards than I have recently. When I'm done, Emi springs off the bleachers, starting to run but quickly slowing herself down to a walk as she comes into step with me as I start cooling down. "Not a bad first time running solo, Hisao," she says with a smile that seems slightly forced. "You still need some work on keeping a steady pace, but your form looked good."
"Thanks. I thought I felt a little slow, but I figured you'd tell me if I screwed anything up." I say this last part with a grin, but Emi doesn't react. "Anyway, I tried to remember what you showed me, but...well, I'd rather not get used to running by myself if I don't have to."
Emi gets an odd look at that, saying, "There are going to be times when you will, so you should...be ready for it." She quickly shifts to a mischievous grin as she asks, "So, how was your date with Hanako yesterday?"
The sudden change of topics, a tactic I've learned is pretty standard when Emi is uncomfortable talking about something, still catches me off-guard. "Um..." I start to reply, but can't come up with anything that won't sound bad. Emi, of course, picks up on this immediately.
"Waaaaait...it
wasn't a date, was it?"
"It wasn't...meant to be," I say, feeling my cheeks reddening. With that much already out, I decide there's no sense in holding back the rest. "But then, when we got back to Yamaku...Hanako confessed to me...by way of kissing me."
Emi is quiet for a second, her smile crashing into a look of shock. She quickly recovers, saying, "I...appreciate you trying to cheer me up, Hisao, but that wasn't funny."
"It wasn't meant to be."
Emi goes quiet again, this time for a while longer. She looks off into the distance, pinching her lips in thought. When she does finally respond, her voice is a little shaky. "W-what did you...how did you respond?"
"I...didn't."
That seems to genuinely surprise Emi, who looks at me with her mouth open. "You...didn't? What do you mean, you didn't?"
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. "I mean I didn't accept, but I didn't reject her either. Partially because she didn't give me the chance, but mostly...because I didn't know what to say."
Emi mutters something I can't quite hear before looking at me incredulously. "Okay...so...what are you going to do now?"
I groan, bringing my hands to my face. "Honestly? I have no earthly idea. Everything's just been happening so fast, I almost feel like I'm drowning. Just when I think I've finally come to terms with how things ended with Lilly, now this happens...I wonder if I'd have been better off just going home for the break."
"Hisao, I..." Emi starts, then swallows nervously. "If...any of this is...my fault, I'm sorry. I'm...not very good at taking things slowly. If you need me to give you some space to think...just...tell me."
Emi...
I look at her, and the look on her face almost breaks me. I try to lighten things up, saying, "You're offering me space, and Hanako is coming on strong? Did I miss the memo, and this is Opposite Week?"
She smiles slightly. "Okay,
that was a little funny, Hisao. The problem is, you still didn't answer me."
I sigh, because I really don't have an answer. "Emi, if there's one person who's been giving me exactly the amount of space I need, it's you. Our morning runs are the one thing I've come to depend on, and I don't want to lose that. If you can keep being patient for now, that's all I need."
Emi looks at me in silence for a moment, then grins. "That's a hard thing you're asking, Hisao. You know patience isn't exactly my strong suit."
"I've noticed," I say, with a gesture to her blade-free legs. She sticks her tongue out in response, almost seeming like her usual self. Almost. I decide to turn her subject-changing tactic against her. "So, now that I answered you, it's your turn. What was that call yesterday about?"
"Funny you should ask," she says with a grin. "I was actually going to see if you wanted to go into the city with me. Come to find out, you were already there. I was going to ask you after our run, but then
someone made me go see the nurse."
"And then
someone didn't listen to him anyway."
Emi looks suitably contrite. "I already said I was stupid, okay? I'll be back up and running in a couple days, so you don't have to worry about it."
It's the same thing she said yesterday until I talked her into going. The problem is that the more she says it, the more it has the opposite effect. "Right, but as you said to me: the problem is, you still didn't answer me. Did you being stupid have something to do with that phone call?"
Emi fidgets nervously for a bit as she looks out into the distance again. "Look, Hisao, with everything else you've got going on, it's...just not something you need to worry about right now. Isn't that enough?"
This actually gets me a little angry. "It would be...
if you hadn't said the same thing on the phone yesterday and then went out and ran afterwards!"
I probably said that a little louder than I should have, and Emi takes a step away from me, eyes wide. She then stops walking, her mouth set in a line and her hands on her hips. I quickly stop as well, turning to face her.
"Fine, Hisao. You
really want to know why I went out to run yesterday?" Emi says, returning my anger. "Because I thought
you were doing something stupid. Tell me, Hisao, if you'd had another problem with your legs, or you overdid things and had another heart problem, do you think Hanako could have handled it? I remember what you told me about what happened on your trip, how it took both her and Lilly to get you back to the house. If you were going to do anything risky like that, I wanted to be there to make sure..."
Emi stops herself, and surprisingly she seems on the verge of tears. She takes a deep breath before continuing, "Well, to make sure you were all right. I didn't want to think about what might happen, so I did the only thing I know to clear my head, and now I'm paying the price for it. So...just...don't worry about me, either, okay?" Emi chokes up a bit as she finishes, "It's not worth it."
I take a step toward Emi, and when she doesn't back away I put my arms around her. Her anger spent, she rests her head on my chest, and I laugh softly. "It's too late for that," I say, "because the main reason I went into the city in the first place is because I wanted to keep myself from worrying about you."
I can feel Emi start to laugh as well, but hers comes out sounding a bit bitter. "Sometimes I wonder if we're any good for each other at all, Hisao. Why...why are we making each other worry like this?"
I pull back a bit so I can look Emi in the eye. "I think...it's just because we care about each other. Friends are like that."
"Maybe," she replies, "but I've never gotten so worried about Rin that I did something stupid like that." I can see the red rise to Emi's cheeks as she wraps one arm around my waist and starts leading me off the track. "And...well...that's not really the only thing I was worried about." She pauses, and I look at her questioningly, waiting for her to finish. "I...was pretty sure Hanako liked you, and...well, thought something might have been happening between you." She sits down on the bleachers, puts her arms on her knees and drops her chin onto them in a dramatic gesture. "I've never been so sorry to be right about something in my life."
My shoulders slump as she says this, and I sit down next to her, sighing. "I was just starting to suspect it myself, because I've been so wrapped up in everything else that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do now."
"I don't think I can really help you with that one, Hisao. You probably need to talk to somebody else who isn't...well, who isn't me."
I smile sadly at Emi. "Probably. I was just hoping to figure something out before lunch. I'm not even sure she'd want me there without some kind of answer." Laughing dryly, I say, "Seems like neither of us is having much luck clearing our heads lately."
"No, we aren't," Emi says, more than a hint of frustration evident in her voice. "Well, you don't have much time to figure out something, so I'd...better give you a chance to try. I should check in with the nurse anyway. See you tomorrow morning, Hisao."
Emi gives my shoulder a squeeze as she stand up and walks away, a good deal more slowly than usual. I stare straight ahead for a bit, pointedly not allowing myself to watch her go, because I'm afraid if I do I'll run after her. Once I'm sure she's gone into the auxiliary building, I start to make my own way up to the dorm.
~~~~
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good one