The tight streets bring back all sort of childhood memories as we arrive at the two-story house on the corner of an intersection. My Mom reverses the car into the slightly rusted awning outside of the walled garden that still shrouds our home from the other houses clustered around. The large trees my grandfather planted still look healthy, even if my Mom isn’t much of a gardener.
“Here we are!” Mom announces, waving her arm toward the brown and cream house behind us for Hisao’s benefit as he gets out of the car and looks around. The area’s a little more cramped than his old stomping grounds, for sure, but it’s still home.
“You have a lovely home.” He says politely and I lean into his periphery with a cheeky grin.
“You’re gonna have to bunk with me, senpai. We don’t have a guest room!” I waggle my eyebrows comically at him. I don’t intend for things to happen but it’s fun to pretend just to get a rise out of him.
“That’s something I wanted to talk to you both about…” Mom says as she leads us inside. She kicks off her shoes and steps up into the hall, standing over us while Hisao and I stand in the lower entryway. “I was having a little fun earlier but I am giving you both the benefit of the doubt and
trusting you to stay in the same bedroom, okay?”
Her tone isn’t stern or overly serious, instead showing concern and understanding. That doesn’t stop the two of us blushing like crazy and standing like we’re being scolded for something we haven’t even done yet. She folds her arms and looks at both of us. “I’m just asking that you use your best judgement and don’t abuse the faith I have in
you.”
That last part was most definitely more aimed towards me as her eyes lingered on me a little. It’s a much more reasonable demand than Hisao’s mom but then, my Mom has always tried to be ‘the fun mom’, even while doing her due diligence.
“I understand, Dr Katayama. I promise I won’t abuse the trust you’re placing in me.” Hisao nods solemnly and bowing deeply. I cast my eye sideways to my boyfriend’s sincere, if a little hammy, display before locking eyes with Mom.
“We’ll behave, Mom. Don’t worry so much.” I smile and she closes her eyes, nodding.
“I’m glad to hear it. Now,” She physically shivers and flops her arms around. “
Blehhhh, I hate being so serious!” Her demeanour becomes cheerier as she guides Hisao through the house, showing him the living room. Meanwhile, I take an immediate right into the den that was my Grandpa’s room before he passed.
The curtains are drawn, but the sliver of light through the smallest crack between them tells me Mom hasn’t dusted in here for a while. I open the curtains wide, letting the light flood in. I look around the room and it’s still pretty barren, the only furniture left being the makeshift shrine on a table where his bed was. The only real possessions he cared for are still here, amongst his other favourite knick-knacks, around a picture of my grandfather.
Our family was never really religious. My grandmother practiced Shinto, I believe, but I was very young when she passed so I have no real strong memories of her. Don’t have a lot of memories of when I was super little. I’m not even sure if the faint memories I do have are mine or are just the result of Grandpa telling me the same stories from when I was a toddler over and over again.
I sit on my knees in front of the shrine and reach for the photograph of my Grandpa, wiping away the light coating of dust with my t-shirt. It’s a photo of him from a few years before he passed; undoubtedly him but still not quite how I remember him. He still has hair in this photo. I place it delicately back and bow.
“Hey Grandpa. It’s good to see you again.” I speak aloud into the empty air. I’m not religious either but it’s still reassuring to think he’s still here and wants to hear all about what I’ve doing. “I wanted to make sure to say hi to you first and make sure you were still here. I’ll make sure to clean up in here a bit later, you know how busy Mom is.”
“And this is…” I hear my Mom behind me and look back to see her and Hisao in the doorway. Ground floor tour didn’t take long, it seems.
“This is my Dad’s room. He’ll probably want to meet you, Hisao.” Mom smiles softly to me and then to Hisao, gesturing for him to enter with a gentle touch of the shoulder. He looks a little unsure before I pat the tatami flooring next to me, signalling to him that it’s okay. He steps cautiously into the room and takes a sitting position on his knees like me. He looks curiously at the shrine and then at me. I smile reassuringly and then return my focus to the photograph.
“Grandpa,
this is Hisao Nakai! He’s from my school and he’s a little bit like me. Oh, and he’s my boyfriend. I
knoooow you always said no boy would ever be good enough for me
but…” I tilt my head towards the mystified Hisao. He doesn’t seem to know quite what to make of this, I’m sure, but the small tug at the corners of his mouth tells me he wants to hear how my sentence finishes. “He’s really nice so don’t haunt him, okay?”
Hisao’s eyes go wide at the thought and I snicker. My Mom takes a seat next to me and holds my shoulders. “Rika’s been helping him adjust to Yamaku. You’d be proud of her, Dad.” She says in a soft tone. Hisao goes to speak to me, but stops himself and looks at the photograph.
“
You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, senpai.” I whisper, patting his leg. He looks down, gulping hard before nodding.
“Your granddaughter is… an amazing… person… sir.” He squeaks out, losing confidence halfway through and frowning in frustration.
“Why don’t you two take your stuff upstairs and Rika can show where everything else is.” Mom injects the awkward air with a much friendlier voice. “Go on.”
I give my Grandpa another bow and Hisao follows suit, if a little awkwardly. I grab his backpack and hand it to him before pointing to the stairs. I hear my Mom’s quiet voice as I follow Hisao up the stairs.
“I know, Dad, she’s growing up so
fast.”
-----------
I can only laugh at Hisao as he steps into my room and, for the second time, comments on how ‘not-girly’ it is. He should totally get my vibe by now but his bewildered expression makes a nice change from the weird expression he’s had since we came upstairs.
Hisao and I finish setting up his tatami mat near the window, on the floor in my room, far enough away from my bed to satisfy my Mom if she checked. I’m not gonna tell him it was Grandpa’s, I think he’s already spooked enough.
“So, uh, do you often talk to your grandfather when you come home?” He croaks out, his face is a mix of awkwardness and unease.
“Every time I come home and every time I leave. Just to give him a little update.” I say, plumping up Hisao’s pillow for him.
“And, eh, he…” Hisao begins before furrowing his brow and pouting his lips.
“Are you okay?” I ask and he sits on his butt, rubbing his face.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m being weird it’s just…
I just…” He blows air through his lips in lieu of failing to form any kind of coherent sentence.
“Is it the shrine that’s freaking you out? Or us talking to his spirit?” I ask, leaning over and placing a hand on his arm.
“I dunno. I guess it’s both? I’m not gonna tell you
not to… talk to your grandfather. I just don’t get it, I guess?” His flustered expression is usually really cute but I can tell he’s struggling with articulating himself. It’s like when he was keeping his condition a secret. Something gnawing at him and he doesn’t really know what to say about it.
“Is this the first time you’ve seen something like that since your heart attack?”
“Yeah… I know we’ve spoken about death and but seeing a shrine, it’s just …”
“Like confronting the reality of death? Feeling a bit
mortal right now, senpai?” I snort with amusement and he shoots me a look like I shouldn’t find it funny. “Sorry, Hisao, I shouldn’t laugh.”
“No, I’m the one being weird. You and your Mom should…
deal with?
Treat? Death in whatever way you do normally. I’m just being sensitive.”
“You’re entitled to your feelings, Hisao.”
“Yeah but not when I’m a guest questioning your family customs in your own home. It’s disrespectful.”
“If it’s making you uncomfortable; just talk to me about it. I’m not going to be mad.” I try to reassure him.
“I know, thanks. Maybe I’m just nervous about making a good impression with your family. Don’t want to end up being haunted, right?” He chuckles but his face is still a puzzle of conflicting emotions.
“Hisao…”
“C’mon, we should make sure your Mom doesn’t think we’re up to no good up here.” He paints on a cheery expression and gets up, offering his hand. He’s bottling up his feelings, I can tell that much, but I’m not sure even he knows what particular emotion he’s bottling.
We close my bedroom door and head downstairs to find my Mom contemplating the fridge-freezer, both compartments wide open as she stands in front of them, rubbing her cheek in thought. I sidle up to her and see that both are full of junk food and takeout boxes. I look at her apologetic face and lean in conspiratorially.
“I’m no gourmet chef but I don’t think you can feed three people on leftovers alone.”
“Yeeeeah, I’ve been too busy at work to stock up and then I was too busy cleaning today…”
“Everything okay?” Hisao asks, and we both flinch. Luckily, Mom is quick to close the doors with an offer that’ll save her from embarrassment.
“I think for your first night here; we should do something special! You liked the food at Ichigo, right?” She asks and I know immediately where we’re going.
-----------
Hisao and I change into something a little more presentable for a restaurant, our eyes casting flitting glances at each other’s exposed skin as we dress. Sharing a room may have been a really bad idea. All these thoughts are not appropriate to have while dining out with my Mom.
I look at the mirror on my wall and glance from side-to-side.
Hm. My usual look isn’t working with how long my hair’s gotten… I pull my braid apart and muss up my hair and look again.
“I don’t think the bedhead look is suitable for fine dining, Rika.” Hisao smirks in the mirror behind me. “Not that it doesn’t look good.”
“Just pass my hair brush, will you? I’m switching things up a little.”
A couple minutes of preening and trying things with this wild mane; we present ourselves and give each other approving nods. We’re totes classy-but-casual enough for the Blair Garden! It’s not far from home and is the only other place I’ve been to eat Italian food other than Ichigo in Sendai and the place Hisao took me to on our day-date in Meguro. Mom gushes at how cute we look when we come downstairs, insisting on a picture of the two of us.
It
would be when I’m trying something different… I’m really not looking forward to all the embarrassing pictures Mom will no doubt show to Hisao at some point… But he seems happy enough right now and Mom seems satisfied. We pile into the car and make the drive through the streets towards Katsurashima Park. I make sure to point out my Junior High School as we pass, the only thing that holds notable memories for me here.
It’s pretty much the only place I socialised growing up, I wasn’t the ‘playing out’ kind of kid. I was the creepy girl who looked out her window at the playing out kids. It’s no wonder I ended up a chuunibyou in Junior High. Mom parks the car and I grab Hisao’s hand as we walk up to the brick building ahead of us.
“Trattoria? Tra-
tor-ia? Am I saying that right?” Hisao asks Mom as he studies the foreign word.
“Tra-tuh-REE-uh. It’s less fancy than a ristorante, classier than a
Denny’s.” Mom laughs. Hisao and I share a look, knowing full well that’s where his parents took us before we left. Mom does all the talking with the staff and we’re given a table near windows.
“Feeling a little more adventurous this time, Hisao?” Mom raises her eyebrows at my boyfriend as he studies the menu. He raises it slightly to hide his sheepish face and looks my way for help. And so it begins.
“Leave him alone, Mom!” I defend him against the giggling taunts of my mother while he chooses his main course. He mulls over the options before pulling the menu away from his face and offering it to me.
“I think I’m going to have the Luganica Tagliatelle and a decaf latte.” He says proudly but Mom cuts him down by laughing. That’s not funny, Mom!
“Oh Hisao, that…” She catches me glaring at her over the top of the menu and chooses her next words much more carefully. “That was a
very good attempt. Foreign languages can be pretty hard.”
“English isn’t my best subject so I didn’t see Italian being much better.” He chuckles, rubbing the back of his head.
“They’re all based on Latin, right? You’d think there’d be some overlap… Okay, I’m having Manzo Piccante with a Craft Lemonade.” I say, offering the menu to Mom but she waves it off.
“I’ve got an idea of what I’m ordering, sweetheart. I’ve become a bit of a regular here.” She smiles as the waiter walks up and proves her point. The guy looks to be in his late-twenties with the wispiest moustache I’ve ever seen. I bet Hisao could grow a better one.
“Doc Rui! Good to see you again! Will you be having the usual?” He asks and Mom brushes her hair behind her ear before looking at him. Doc Rui? They must really like her here.
“Thank you, Koji, but I have
my daughter with me - and I’m driving - so I think I’ll have a sparkling water and the… y’know what? Hisao had the right idea!” She nods to Hisao and orders the same as him as well as relaying my order. Guess she must order alcohol usually.
“Excellent choices, ma’am. I’ll bring your drinks over in just a moment.” He bows and Mom’s eyes linger on the waiter as he leaves before focusing her attention back onto us.
“The atmosphere here is so nice. I’ve come here straight from work sometimes and the staff have been so nice. I come here at least once a week.” She explains, a little flush in the cheeks.
Uh-huh. Whatever you’re up to, Mom, I feel it’s my job - as your daughter - to not bring it up or to
everthinkaboutitbecausegaaaaah.
“It does seem nice. How’s work been since I last saw you, Rui?” Hisao asks. Thank you for the assist, Hisao. I needed the distraction.
“Pretty busy, I had to trade some shifts around to get a couple days in a row off. I just know I’m going to have something awful come in when I get back.” She sighs heavily, rubbing her forehead.
“Isn’t it usually pretty bad if they come into the emergency department?” Hisao presses her for more information and Mom is more than happy to talk shop. She often did when I was growing up, as best she could without breaking patient confidentiality.
“That’s true but there’s
degrees of bad. A shattered femur is worse than road rash but those aren’t
nearly as bad as a…” She subconsciously points at Hisao and my blood runs cold. Mom! Luckily, the pregnant pause is made up for with the word “…
de-gloving.”
“Oh gross, did you have to bring
that up!?” I grimace, a shiver running up my spine. There’s very little, medically, that freaks me out now. Except that. Hisao’s face contorts before he finally asks what that means. “Noooo, senpai, it’s so gross!”
“It’s actually not appropriate to bring up at a meal so I’m sorry, Rika! But if you think about the word, Hisao, you can guess what it means.” Mom is so nonchalant about medical stuff and while I’m glad she didn’t continue her original thought and say heart attack, this is actually worse. For me, at least.
“
Ohhhh… Oh yeah, that’s gross.” Hisao grimaces too, having finally figure it out.
-----------
After a delicious meal, even with the horrific medical talk beforehand. Mom said she’d be going shopping and suggested I give Hisao a tour around Shogen.
“I know you’re used to having free reign at night, Hisao, but make sure you get my girl home no later than ten, okay?” Mom points a finger at Hisao as I hug her.
“I doubt we’ll be out that late, Mom.” I counter with a whisper. She nods back at me, knowingly. “Well have fun anyway and I’ll see you both at home.”
We wave her off and I check my phone for the time. Yeah, There’s no way I can fill three hours with a walk around a park and a thirty minute walk home, this is going to be a pretty short tour.
“So where first?” Hisao looks excited but I can only shake my head at him, hands on my hips. Where, indeed? If it wasn’t so late, we could head into the city but it’s not a great look to immediately abandon my hometown on the first night because it’s so severely lacking in adventure.
“I’m going to level with you, Hisao. This place isn’t
nearly as exciting as Meguro… We’d have to catch the train to Sendai for some real action.” I explain, taking his hand in mine and leading him towards the lake. Hang on tight, senpai, this is the most exciting place I can think of.
“So there’s nothing you wanna show me? No arcades, no old friends?”
“You already know my childhood wasn’t like yours, it was…”
Worse. “I didn’t grow up with a group of close friends or go to a regular school for a long time. Hell, I didn’t even really go out and play with the neighbourhood kids. I was pretty isolated because I was so weak, so I didn’t really make real friends until Junior High and even then…”
Hisao’s grip tightens around my hand and I do the same. He knows I’ve had it rough but this is the first time I’ve fully explained just how alone I was.
“I don’t have dangerous exes for you to battle, long-lost relatives aren’t going to make a shocking return, and - as much as it’s nice to imagine - my house isn’t
really haunted by my Grandpa.” I look at him with a little crooked smile.
“I w-wasn’t scared.” It’s cute how he defensively puffs up his chest a little at the insinuation.
“For a man of science, you seemed awfully spooked at the thought.” I purposely goad him into opening up. I’m hoping my own lament is enough to get him to talk about what was bothering him. An all-too-familiar game of footsies between us.
“I think you were right when you said I was feeling a little too mortal in that moment. Like, I’m gonna stop existing one day and just be a photo on a mantelpiece. Before my heart attack, I wouldn’t think twice about that sort of thing but now… Knowing how much dying
sucks…”
I unintentionally laugh but offer an apologetic smile and encourage him to continue. He breathes heavily, stopping for a break and resting his elbows against the guardrail that encloses much of the park.
“I just don’t find it all that comforting that my family would still be talking to me after I die. It strikes me as silly. No offence.” He’s quick to look at me in worry and I simply smirk in response.
“
Some taken.”
“I don’t even really believe in an afterlife, not any of the traditional ones anyway.”
“No pearly gates, no elysian fields?” I tilt my head curiously at him and he lets himself chuckle despite his grim demeanour.
“Not
exactly. I’ve got some ideas but it’s not like it’s really based on anything, more a general concept.”
“Oh?” I sidle up and take his hand in mind, closing my eyes. “Lay it on me. What does the afterlife mean to Hisao Nakai?”
“Heh, okay, this is
just a dumb idea I had, alright?” I nod readily and he continues. “So you know about the law of conservation of energy?”
“Not even a little, but go ahead.”
“It basically means that energy can’t be created or destroyed; only transformed from one thing into another.”
“Following so far.”
“So the human brain is just a lump of chemicals and bio-electricity and, with enough activity, forms who a person is. Their personality, their tastes,
their soul - for lack of a better description. Still with me?”
“Yup.” I’m seeing a brain, crackling with ethereal electricity, in my head. I don’t know if that’s how he sees it but it’s helping me visual it.
“So when a person dies… All those chemicals and all that bio-electricity - all that makes that person
a person - can’t be destroyed, only changed into another form of energy. So it stands to reason that their ‘soul’ can’t be destroyed either. Only transformed into something else. Some other form of life.”
“Hisao…” I open my eyes, slightly befuddled, and look at my boyfriend who seems genuinely excited to explain his theory. “That’s just reincarnation with science.”
“I told you it was a dumb idea.” He shrugs but is still a little cheerier.
“No, no, I didn’t say it was
dumb; it’s just an interesting way of thinking about it.” I nudge his shoulder with mine. “A very
Hisao way of thinking about it. You’ll be one heck of a teacher, senpai.”
“Thanks,” He blushes, rubbing his neck. “But that’s where I’m at; trying to rationalise death to myself so I’m not scared of it.”
“Congrats, Pretty sure you’ve just discovered the Kubler-Ross model.” I tease and he looks at me questioningly. You're not the only one who knows a thing or two. “The five stages of grief? I think this is your version of acceptance, the final stage. This is how you’ve come to terms with death.”
“And I’m guessing you’ve already been through it?” He raises an eyebrow at me, a little note of incredulity in his tone. Okay, that’s fair. I shouldn’t act like I have all the answers when it comes to our relative mortality.
“I thought I
had, honestly. Kinda feeling like I’ve been back-peddling from acceptance into bargaining recently though.” I confess, thinking about my recent actions. “Living with the spectre of death was a whole lot easier when I didn’t have anything to look forward to.” I push my weight forward off the railing, dragging Hisao along with me.
“What do you mean?” He asks and I wrap my arms around one of his as we continue to the lake view.
“All the stuff I’ve been doing recently has been me trying - like,
actually trying - to live a life. A life I want to share with others.” I look up to him, a warm flush of blood in my cheeks. My heart rate quickens and I feel slightly anxious, but that’s nothing new when I have a heart-to-heart with Hisao.
“And being
here is a reminder of the past-me, the old way of thinking. The one that made me feel so alone.”
“All those old mental pathways don’t work for you anymore so you want all your mental energy to transform into something new.” He smirks a little and I rock him side-to-side.
“Exactly!” I laugh, a large grin spreading across my face. “Just like reincarnating.”
“It sounds like you don’t actually like being here… So why agree to come?”
“It was an opportunity to spend time with Mom and talk to her about everything going on with me. And for
you to get to know her better! But this is also where I come from and I want you to know all of who I
am, and even who I
was. This place is home, sure, but it’s also not where I can be my best self.”
“And for you; that’s Yamaku?” He asks and I nod but only in part-agreement. “Why’s that?”
“Because you’re there…” I confess and he looks taken aback. “Don’t look
so shocked, senpai! I was just as much a hermit at school until the day I met you. I was better than I was here, definitely, but
you…” I release his arm as I come to a stop in front of the lake view I like. I take a deep nostril full of air before I continue.
“As much as you say I’ve done for you; I think you’ve done just as much for me.” I look at him with misty eyes. “You brought me out of my little bubble, took me to your hometown, introduced me to so many people…”
“I’ve given you a lot more hassle, that’s for sure.” He smirks.
And so much more.
“You bet you did! I made friends with your ex-girlfriend! I got into an argument with a bully over you - who I then befriended! I’ve spilled my guts about all my innermost fears!” I’m laughing but I can feel the tears beginning to run down my cheeks.
“Are you okay, Rika?” Hisao cups my face in concern and I hold my hands tight over his. Oh, you amazing boy…
“I’m
more than okay, Hisao!
I’m in love!” I shout into the evening air with every ounce of pride my soul contains. Hisao grins and it spurs me on. Just like always. “I never thought I
could be! I’m working hard for my future now! I want to make my heart as strong you make me feel!”
I pull his face towards mine and press my forehead against his. “And you make me
feel so strong.”
The sounds of Shogen seemingly fade into the far-off distance; like the world outside of us, outside of this moment, doesn’t matter at all to either of us.
~~~~~~~~
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