As I go through my morning routine, there's really only one thought in my head: Hisao's promise to be at lunch today. He made that promise even after asking for some time to himself. He's had a lot going on these past two weeks, so I still can't blame him for that. I hope he doesn't feel he needs to avoid me again, but a small part of me can't help but expect to be alone in the tea room.
Trying to push that fear down, I head down to the library, hoping to find more comfort there than I have in recent days. As I walk in and wave to Yuuko, I reflect on the irony of having first talked with Hisao here. In the place where I'd gone so often to avoid people, I'd met the person who has become the most important in my life.
It feels good to be able to think things like that now without having to feel guilty.
Before Lilly and Hisao's parting, I'd always buried the thoughts I had about him. I denied I had them, even to myself. Maybe I'd gotten so used to not being able to express myself outwardly that doing the same inwardly came too naturally. Now, I don't have to worry about the latter anymore.
Maybe soon, I'll be able to do both...
Once I have the book I want, I make my way to the beanbag chairs in the back. One thing that hasn't changed is how the rest of the world sees me, so I still prefer to spend time away from it. That's probably never going to change, but after all these years I'm finding that there are a precious few people who can see me as I am and not shy away.
After spending a couple hours enjoying the quiet atmosphere, I hear the familiar sound of a head hitting a shelf...or maybe it was two? Distracted by the oddity, I almost miss the familiar sound of Hisao's voice talking to Yuuko, along with a third voice, which I think belongs to one of Lilly's classmates. At first, I don't look up from my book, as there are several reasons Hisao could be here this early, but after a couple minutes I hear approaching footsteps.
He's probably here to cancel lunch after all...
Hisao comes over to the beanbags and hesitates for a moment before sitting on the one across from mine. I wait for a moment to see if he's going to say something first, but he doesn't, so I look up from my book to him. "Hisao!" I say, trying to act as though I'd just noticed him.
"Hey, Hanako," he replies. "I didn't mean to startle you. I just...wanted to ask you something."
That's how these things usually start, isn't it?
"S-sure."
"Did you...make something for lunch today?"
At least he wants to make sure I didn't go to any trouble before letting me down. You're very considerate, Hisao.
"N-no, I didn't. Why?"
"Well, I was just wondering if you might want to go into the city with me today."
And...
Wait...
What...did Hisao just...ask me...?
I freeze for a moment, because it sounded like he just asked me on a date. This time, my sensible side has to remind me that this is probably no different from the times I would go into the city with Lilly and Akira. I still have no reason to think it's anything more. That doesn't stop my heart from starting to race.
As I sit there at war with myself, Hisao tries to fill the silence. "I just thought...since you're only going to be here a few more days, we should at least try to do something fun. As long as I don't exert myself too much, I should be all right." He laughs a bit nervously. "I guess not being able to go into town has had me kind of on edge, you know?"
I swallow, then take a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. "It s-sounds like a good idea. What did you...have in mind?"
Hisao rubs the back of his head. "Well, I don't really know the city all that well. I only know a few places I went with Lilly."
"S-same here." That's the problem, and it's why I'm nervous about the whole idea. It would be much easier just to spend time here, but I need to keep showing Hisao that I can help him, too. If Hisao needs to get out, then that's what we're going to do.
Maybe this time I can keep my anxiety under control...
"Well, if it's something besides shopping or having tea, you've got me beat."
I giggle at that. I remember the two of us dragging Hisao around on shopping trips in town. On the other hand, he's probably thinking about the day they went shopping for my birthday presents. I think about the doll Hisao picked out for me, and wonder where he found it. Lilly said it was some kind of antique shop. If it's not too far of a walk for him, I wouldn't mind visiting it.
I think for a moment about other things I'd done with Lilly and Akira, and then the perfect idea strikes me. It's a place we can spend a while in without Hisao having to exert himself, and I don't have to worry about people seeing me. I'm not sure what Hisao will think of the idea, though.
"How do you feel about...karaoke?"
Hisao hesitates before answering. "Wow...I haven't done karaoke in years. I guess that doesn't sound too bad, though. I don't exactly have the best voice, but why not?"
I smile a little, relieved that he agreed. It's been a few months since I've had the chance to sing myself, and I've missed it. I really can't do that sort of thing here. "W-when did you want to go?"
Hisao smiles, a bit nervously. "I was thinking about...maybe now?"
If I wasn't thrown off balance before, I certainly am now. Still, under the circumstances, I think I can be ready for this. "O-okay. I...just need to go back to the dorm and...get some things."
Hisao smiles at me, and he also looks a bit relieved. "Thanks, Hanako. I really appreciate this. Meet you at the front gate in...half an hour sound good?" I nod, and Hisao says, "See you then," as he gets up and walks away.
Once I put my book away I head back to the dorm so that I can grab my cap and jacket. The more I think about this, the more excited I get. The only time the two of us have spent together away from Yamaku has been the disastrous walk into town, so if this goes well maybe we can put that behind us.
As for Hisao, I could tell he was in a better mood, against all my expectations. He seemed more positive this morning than he's been in a long time, at least since before exams. Still, something Hisao said struck me pretty hard.
"...since you're only going to be here a few more days..."
It's something I had been trying not to think about. In a few days, I'll need to let Naomi know if I'll be joining her and Natsume for the rest of our planned trip. If I'm going to make that decision without any reservations, I need to somehow bring myself to let Hisao know how I feel. Today might just give me that opportunity.
If he returns my feelings, I'd definitely want to spend the rest of the break together. If he doesn't, then I'd just as soon be somewhere else.
When I get to the bus stop, Hisao is sitting there with his backpack. "Hi, Hanako," he says as I sit down next to him. "Are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, I kind of sprung this on you suddenly."
"I'm...looking forward to it," I say reassuringly. "Karaoke was...my idea, right?" Hisao opens his mouth briefly, then shakes his head with a sheepish grin. Before he can say anything, the bus comes into view, and we both get ready to board.
On the bus, our seats are on the right side, so I wait for Hisao to sit next to the window before sitting down next to him. Riding down the hill from Yamaku, both of us are quiet. Hisao seems preoccupied, staring out the window. Searching for a topic of conversation, I ask Hisao, "So...how was your run this m-morning?"
"Hm?" Hisao says, trying to snap out of his reverie. "Oh...yeah, my run. It was all right, I guess...I mean, I didn't have any problems. I think Emi was having some trouble, though. She said she was okay, so I'm trying not to worry about it."
I suppose I walked into that one. Trying not to worry about it...I hope that doesn't mean that I'm just a distraction for you.
Soon, we're in the city, and I try my best to keep an eye out the window until I see where we need to get off. "This...is our stop," I say as I get out of the seat. We pay our fares and make our way the short distance to the karaoke establishment, which Akira said was one of the quieter ones when she brought us here. The booths are a bit small, but since I've never come with more than a couple others, it hasn't mattered.
In the past, we'd only come here at night after Akira had finished work. During the day, I can feel more eyes on me, so I make sure to stick as close as possible to Hisao. When we get there, he pays the attendant for two hours. "That should give me plenty of time to recover from the extra walking," Hisao says, half-jokingly, as we enter the booth. "I may need a while longer to recover from the embarrassment of performing."
We're both fairly hungry, so while I pull up the list of music Hisao looks over the lunch menu. I'm not really familiar with current music, other than what I occasionally hear when Natsume brings her MP3 player to the newspaper club, so I decide to start out with
something familiar by Yumi Matsutoya. When the song is over, Hisao looks at me with a slight smile on his face. "I can see why you like doing this, Hanako. You have a really nice voice."
I can't help but blush a little at the compliment. "When I'm singing...I feel more confident with my voice. I don't...stammer, like I usually do. I've missed it a lot. It's good to have...someone to share it with."
"Well, I'm honored to be that someone. You're a lot better at it than I could ever dream of being. I did karaoke a few times with friends from my old high school, but I usually avoided actually singing as much as I could. I suppose that's not possible now, so let me find something I know and you order your lunch."
For the next hour or so, the two of us eat, talk about books and music, and occasionally sing something. Hisao seems to pick songs related to anime or video games, none of which I recognize. He's right that his voice isn't that great, but at least he seems to be enjoying himself. Meanwhile, I stick to a few songs that I know. As usual, I make a total mess of
Akina Nakamori, but singing something of hers has become kind of a tradition for me. Ever since I found out she attempted suicide on the day after I was born, I've felt a strange kinship with her. Hisao is enough of a gentleman not to complain about how I sound on this one.
All too soon, there's only about half an hour left. Time's running short to fulfill one other promise I made to myself, to sing one particular song every time I come to a place like this. I've never told anyone why. I take a deep breath, and start the music to
Momoe Yamaguchi's "Cosmos".
After the song finishes, I nearly collapse onto the couch, feeling drained emotionally. It's why I always wait until the session is nearly over to do this one. Hisao slides toward me, a look of concern on his face, but I smile reassuringly. It seems to work, and he says "That was pretty impressive. You really put your all into that song. It must be special to you."
"It is," I say, looking down to help collect myself.
"Would you be...willing to tell me why?"
Thank you for caring enough to ask, Hisao.
I take a deep breath before starting my explanation. "One of the...wards at the orphanage used to play it a lot. W-when I listened to the words...I used to wonder if she w-was just being cruel to us...to me. Later, I f-found out that the ward's m-mother had died just b-before her wedding. Now, each time I sing it...I make up for one of the times...I thought badly of her. So, when I sing that...I think of her...and my mother."
"You still miss her a lot, don't you?"
I nod, still unable to look Hisao in the eye. "I n-never told you the w-whole story about the...accident. The only reason I...survived was b-because she..." I can feel myself trembling, and Hisao reaches out and wraps his arms around me. "...she protected me by surrounding me with her own body. Sometimes...I s-still have n-nightmares..."
By now, I can't even speak as I try to keep from sobbing. "I'm...s-sorry...I...c-can't..." I say before burying my face in Hisao's chest, and I begin to cry in earnest. He makes shushing noises, and begins to stroke my hair in an effort to comfort me. As he does, a feeling of safety envelops me, like my blanket and nightgown, but somehow warmer...
Hisao...I'm sorry...I'm ruining things again...but I'm so grateful you're here now...
Time seems to stand still as we sit there, my head resting on Hisao's chest. I try to focus on the sound of his heartbeat to try and help me calm down, and for the first time I hear its irregular rhythm. This is what brought him to Yamaku, what brought him into my life. Hearing it makes me feel just a little bit more connected to him.
I lift up my head to look at him. "Arrhythmia," he says, in answer to my unspoken question. "I guess...I've finally gotten used to it. It's what took my life away, and what gave me a new one at Yamaku. But now, it's part of my life. Kind of like your scars, maybe."
At the mention of my scars, I sit up so that I can look Hisao in the eye. "M-maybe...you can t-tell me."
It's the least I can do, after he allowed me to hear his heart.
The meaning of what I said quickly dawns on Hisao, and he returns my questioning look. He tentatively brings his hand up, reaching toward my face...
...toward the right side of my face...
...and I fight every learned move that I've made over the years. My right hand twitches, but I keep it from moving up to hold that lock of hair in place, and I nod slightly. With that last permission thus granted, Hisao moves the hair aside to expose the scarred part of my face...and touches my forehead gently.
Although I can't feel what he's doing that well, I watch as he gently moves his hand across my forehead, then down my cheek. I...hesitate to think of it as a caress, but I still shiver a little at the notion. I close my eyes, and the wave of emotion that this moment invokes more than makes up for the lack of physical sensation.
That someone can see this, can touch this...without flinching, without being repulsed...
Hisao...
...
Somewhere, a thousand miles away, a phone rings. Neither of us moves for a moment, Hisao's hand still on my face and his eyes locked on mine. For a moment, I hope against hope that it was my own anxiety making me hear something that wasn't there.
When the booth's phone rings a second time, the spell is well and truly broken. Hisao blinks and backs away. "That...means our time is almost up, right?"
I nod, still flustered, and say "W-we have t-ten more minutes." I reach into my jacket for a handkerchief while Hisao picks up the phone and confirms that we'll be leaving. As I work to clean my face, I ask impulsively, "Do you...want to try one last song...together?"
Hisao thinks for a second, but before he can answer, his phone rings as well. "I'd better...see who that is," he says, fishing out the phone. He cringes a little as he looks at the number. "It's Emi. I should really find out if she's okay. Do you mind?"
I can feel my stomach twisting up, but I really can't deny him his concern for a friend. It's one of the things I admire about him. "N-no, go ahead. I know you were...worried about her."
Hisao smiles at me and says, "Thanks. I'll make sure to keep it short." He goes out into the hallway, and I silently curse Alexander Graham Bell. The odd thought strikes me that he was a Scot, and briefly wonder if he might be related to Lilly. It helps, but not much.
A few minutes later, Hisao comes back in. "Sounds like everything's fine," he says, putting his phone back into his backpack. "I guess we don't have time to sing together now. Maybe we can do this again."
I pick up my own pack, and we head back out onto the street. "S-sure. Did...you want to do anything else...while we're in the city?"
Hisao sighs. "I wish I could, but I don't want to take the chance of overdoing things again."
"I understand. I guess I...just wasn't ready for today to end yet."
"It was..." Hisao starts, looking like he's trying to decide what to say, before finishing with "...nice to be able to get out for a while, though." He turns away to face up the street. "Let's get back to the bus stop."
The ride back to Yamaku is a lot like the ride into the city. This time, though, we're both distracted, and probably by the same thing...or in this case, person. I really don't know how Hisao feels about Emi, but I know they've gotten a lot closer recently. It makes me wonder where I would stand, even if I were to tell him how I feel. I'd like to think what we shared today might have some effect on that.
Maybe it's enough.
We get off the bus and begin walking back to the dorms. Each of us is glancing at the other as we approach the entrance to the boys' building. I get the feeling he's got something he wants to say to me, too, but if I don't get out what I have to say now, I may not get another chance.
When we get to the entryway, I turn to face him. I look around to make sure nobody's watching, and say, "Hisao, there's...something I need to tell you."
Hisao looks at me nervously. I suddenly wonder what he thinks I'll say, or even if he might know, and how he'll react, and a million other things that I need to keep inside for just a few more minutes. His only response is, "Okay."
I take a deep breath before I start, trying to stay focused on what I have to say, to keep my own heart from jumping out of my chest. "I've spent...the last ten years...hiding from people. After the accident, everybody I knew...rejected me. I was bullied...called names...by people who had been my c-close friends. A lot of the people who tried to help me recoiled from me. My existence...was nothing but a burden to everyone, so I thought...it was best if...if they didn't have to see me. Even Lilly...sometimes treated me more as...someone to protect than as a f-friend."
"But then...I met you, and everything...changed again. You...didn't change who you were around me. You opened yourself up to me, like...nobody else ever has, especially over these past few days." I slowly take the lock of hair that covers my face and tuck it behind my right ear. "Hisao, I...always want you to see me for everything that I am...s-scars and all. I...don't want to have to hide anything from you anymore."
I move a little bit closer to Hisao, taking one more deep breath, focusing on what I'm about to do...
This...shouldn't be that much harder than the other night...
"And the one thing I...want you to know most of all..."
When he doesn't back away, I put my hands on his shoulders...
It's just one more part of us that will be touching, after all...
"...is how I feel about you."
I lean in, close my eyes, and press my lips against Hisao's. For a second, I let the sensation spread across my body, but then I feel two arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me in. I hesitate for a moment as I feel my kiss being returned, but every other thought is quickly swept away. The tingling I felt when Hisao kissed my forehead returns a thousandfold, and I can't sense anything other than this feeling...
When we break apart, my eyes return to darting around, looking to make sure no one saw us. Hisao looks stunned, and I can't blame him. I think I was a bit, too. He blinks a couple of times before saying, "I...think that answers what I wanted to ask you. But..."
I hold up my hand and say, "I...know you aren't ready to...answer my feelings," I say, bringing my hair back down over my face. "So just...think about me. When you're...ready to talk again...you know w-where to find me."
With that, I start to walk away, trying very hard to keep a steady pace. I look back at Hisao, and he lifts his hand in some semblance of a wave, and I smile. Once I'm out of his sight, I break into a run, not stopping until I'm behind the closed door of my room. I lean backward against the door, sliding down until I'm sitting on the floor, and start the long task of putting myself back together.
I really hope that wasn't a mistake...
~~~~
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Next
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After one full rewrite, multiple reworkings of various passages, some research failures that in part led to the above, plus a bout of writer's block and the worst week of allergy season yet, I present the next chapter of Developments. Yes, it's once again the longest chapter to date, clocking in at about 3,750 words. I don't think I'm to the point that I need to split it, but I really don't know yet.
There are places in the chapter where some context might have been helpful but was left out due to my desire not to have the characters think OOC. I'll be happy to answer any questions in that regard if it doesn't otherwise spoil anything. Also, if you didn't figure it out, the music links take you to YouTube. Not sure if that's kosher or not, so if those don't belong, or I botched something, or whatever, let me know.
So...enjoy, and feedback is welcome as always!
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