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The morning comes sullenly...

After the long muted train ride here, the doctors discuss with Hisao in the other room, while I sit alone in the small discomforting chair at the impersonal desk, staying still and expressionless, hoping that I could have controlled myself better, and not have ruined another beautiful moment for Hisao...

'Stupid girl! Look what you've done!' I scold myself with my foster mother's voice...

'You're a burden.' My foster father added.

I don't deserve to cry...

I'm useless.

When Hisao and the doctors finally come out from the other room, the more kind-looking woman doctor seats herself at the desk, while the older one leaves quietly without a word despite glancing and staring at her.

Hisao sits in the second chair beside me and holds my hand.. giving me a warm look... telling me it's going to be alright.....

The kind woman doctor with a softened fox-like grin starts talking about my health.. and more-or-less the same things I've heard before, telling me to be careful when exerting myself, be wary of sudden impacts, and avoid unhealthy foods. But, I get an odd feeling that, ..my heart is completely fine..

I ask her about the night before, but she quickly dismisses me and tells me I'm worrying over nothing...

'Is it really nothing..?'

Just as we are leaving, and the woman doctor “professionally” advises us to enjoy our happily-wedded life together, I suddenly think to ask her.

“Is there maybe a psychiatrist I can see?”

Stunned in momentary silences, no one says a word... until Hisao quickly tells me that I don't need that.. the woman doctor quietly agrees... but the light of an idea brightens up in her eyes, and she searches around in her thick wallet before handing me a card. – I gently take it, despite Hisao's indistinct protests.

It's.. beige-coloured, and relatively new, and above the numbers and address are just three impressively printed words:

'Kaori Setou – Counsellor'

Written proudly in English. With huge and almost cursive font. Pushing and squeezing all the Japanese letters down to the sides.

'What an odd person,' I think to myself, 'to personalise her card this way.'

Hisao keeps a sad emotional reach away from me, not saying anything..

On the train ride home, we keep quiet, while the world blurs to a colourless grey around us...


Walking up to our home, Hisao's trembling hand drops the tinkling key, we both reach for it, before warmly feeling our hands atop one another...

With a small smile blooming over his sadness, Hisao picks me up and pulls me gently into his arms, holding me quietly and tightly...

Softly.. he whispers with a kiss.. “I love you...” ...teasing me to be a crybaby, when warm tears from my eyes moisten his shirt.. holding me closer and letting me cry safely in his embrace...

“Iwanako..”

“Hi-Hisao?”

“No matter what happens, no matter how bad it seems... you'll always have me, beside you.”

“...thank you”

“I promise you... I'll be here for you. Don't cry alone if you don't want to.”

“..okay...”

I whimper.. only barely...

He holds me closer, comforting me sobbing loudly...

The colourless rushing world around us blurs away slowly... becoming a fog of grey as Hisao and I stay together...

The passing of time and the turning of days later..

While the boring droning clock counts up the seconds I wait in the lobby, I ignore the clinic and its busy staff buzzing around me, intently inspecting the card in my hand again, reading the name so garishly written, and somehow.. I can't help but wonder if I've heard of her before...

“Mrs. Nakai!” A nurse impatiently calls out my name.

“Ahh! Yes!” I immediately stand up and answer, rudely waking up from days of daydreaming in my head.

Ushered into the door of the counsellor, the first things I notice are how rather small the office is, and.. how rather cluttered her office is – There's even a wide-screen television crammed into the window-space behind her, and quietly playing... something.

Her long, soft, slightly-dishevelled hair neatly brushed, the spirit of her excited eyes greet me through the gleaming white shine of her thick round glasses, and her beaming bright smile makes her seem.. almost over-eager, to see me.

“Err.. erm, G-Good Afternoon, Miss Dr. Setou.” I stammer and utter in English, not sure if it's the correct way to address her.

Softly chuckling, the counsellor smiles and answers, “Good Afternoon, Iwanako. Oh.. I should be a 'Mrs.' now, I'm married to Lionel, see?”

She holds her hand forth, as if expecting me to plant a gentlemanly kiss upon it. I move a little closer, respectfully and politely admiring her expensive wedding ring; a dash of light ruby set smoothly upon an elegant band of gold, twinkling enchantingly in sunlight.

“It's.. very beautiful, Mrs. Setou.”

“Yeah.. Acair and Yuki gave them to us, with Lionel's gemstone being a brilliant sapphire... I see you and Hisao wear pure silver ones.”

“Err.. yeah... we chose them together..” Softly saying, I brush my hair over my ear, slightly lowering my face in embarrassment.

The counsellor smiles warmly, before continuing on, “You'd think it's silly to have Lionel change his name to Lionel Setou, instead of me to Kaori MacDonald, but Rai– that airhead –makes it the perfect reason to keep addressing me as 'feminist jaguar' whenever he calls or emails everyone.”

“Mac.. Donald?”

“Oh.. right, we wanted Satou at first, but... complicated family issues aside, Lionel is also technically not a citizen of Japan. Or at least not yet. So... that didn't work out like we wanted. And besides, it's only that one kanji. 'What's the difference?' We thought, and then we had my parents accept Lionel as son-in-law, and changed his name now rather than later, since we plan on travelling soon...”

“Err... oh.”

“And yeah, he's a little bit happy about ditching his Scottish 'MacDonald' surname... I don't think it's really that bad... Yuki doesn't mind it much either. She even said 'she's glad that it makes others smile, or even laugh'. Sometimes I even amuse myself when I say it like 'Me-ku Don-a-ru-do'! Loudly with a lilt in my Mexican wrestler voice, scaring Lionel in the bathroom when he's taking too long on the crapper – And of course there's also that fast food joint...”

Mrs. Setou seems a little.. sad.., with restlessness and nervousness flitting in her eyes and her twiddling fingers, whilst almost-randomly going on about her family, somehow-struggling to keep up a wide smile and her friendly cheeriness.

'What an odd counsellor...'

Eventually, we do arrive at my own problems, and.. the reason why I'm seeing her in the first place.

“I had.. a dream, Mrs. Setou.”

“A dream?”

“A dream... or.. a nightmare? Maybe..?”

“What was it like?”

“It... it was... I was startled, and... I woke up, feeling like I've lost someone important...”

Mrs. Setou almost says something but.. doesn't, letting a pale sadness wash through her.

“M-Mrs. Setou..?”

“'K-Kaori'.. please, you can call me 'Kaori'.”

“..Kaori...? Are you alright?”

“Yes.. yes, I-I am okay. I'm sorry. It seems you have.. repressed.. something.”

“Wha- ..huh?”

“Do you remember anything else?”

“N-no... it's just the dream. And.. I can't sleep, ..it's not my medicines, I stopped taking them after the doctor said 'my condition no longer required them'..”

“I-I see...”

Slowly.. after some time, she calms down enough to actually help me, effortlessly convincing me to open up about my past..

It seems I have a lot of sadness pent up inside, even hatred if I dare admit, stemming from how my foster parents treated me. – She keeps saying my insistence on referring to them as 'foster parents' means I'm trying to distance myself and deny them, but I have to remember and admit to myself why I do things like that in the first place, before I can even begin moving on from snares of unhappy memories.

I don't really know.. I don't want to go there either, to that dark place under the bed, covering my ears and wishing they would shut up... wishing I could make them stop.

Mrs. Kaori says I don't have to face my demons here in the clinic, if it's more comfortable for me to share it with Hisao, and let him listen to that little girl crying in the dark.

“It's a matter of trust... to let another see you for who you are, and to accept yourself wholly for who you are. That's all it takes.. the courage to change...”

It sounds so simple... yet, I'm afraid to show that darkened, broken side of me, I want to just hide it away and leave her under the bed. That crying little girl and all those desperate tears. I don't want to see myself behaving so poorly again.

I'm too afraid of feeling hurt again...

Kaori and I both slowly realise it...; I'm not... 'ready'.. to let go of those dark shadows..., I'm not 'willing' to change, and just suddenly 'become a happier person'... even if that's what I desperately want... the reason why I came here.

Suddenly remembering to ask her for the time, Kaori already knows what's bothering me, and just smiles and assures me 'it's alright', my session can last as long as I need her to talk to, since she doesn't have anyone else for today...

But still, Hisao won't be happy if I spend all my money on-

“It's free, Iwanako. You don't have to pay me.”

“But.. wha.. why-”

“You can see me for free. I won't accept payment from you even if you offer it.”

“I-I can't do that Miss Kaori, that would be improper of me-”

“It's okay, Iwanako... I have other clients every now and then. And it's not like I intend.. to stay here long, anyway...”

“But... but I can't, I can't use up your time w-without paying you-”

“No, ...I-Iwanako..”

She stands to her feet, smoothing her long skirt and unfolding a white cane... tapping her way to come near beside me..

She's.. blind?


No.. she can still see enough to gently rest her hand on my shoulder...

“This might seem.. unusual, but I want you to think of me.. –to regard me as... –to.....”

“To see you as a friend?”

“Yes..! ...yes.”

I'm not sure about... she seems very kind-hearted and caring, but...

She smiles ever expectantly... with her hands trembling on her cane.


I return her smile brightly and warmly, softly replying “..okay...”


A sudden tiny gasp of happiness escapes her, before Kaori smiles through quivering lips, and deeply thanks me, “Th-Thank you.. Iwanako.”

It seems odd that she's the one showing heartfelt thanks... I decide I have to buy her lunch from the bakery across the street, it's the only way I'll accept her kind offer.

She almost cries when I insist.. I move to hold her but she stops me... composing herself, she finds her strength.. and gives me her bravest smile... holding back her tears, Kaori quietly nods.

Ever since our time together that day...

For every two weeks, or once a month when she's busy, Kaori would wait for me in her office..

For when I would come by, after a long train ride, and tell her about my life..

For when we're not being counsellor and client, we would have lunch from the bakery across the street, and share a quiet walk in the park...

I treasure Kaori's gentle kindness, and I'll keep forever in my heart these easing moments of memories, half-hiding that furtive shadow of a little boy I used to know...

“You look worried, Iwanako..”

Kaori can already tell my thoughts from just body language alone..

“Y-yeah... a little...”

Idly sitting together on a park bench, feeling whispering winds twirl by us in gentle comfort... I wonder if.. I should say anything..

“Iwanako..? What is it?”

“I keep... there is this boy, I knew him once, but I've forgotten who he is...”

“You.. we've been through that before, it's behind us. You told me you had let it go.”

“I-I know.. but it-it's still there... I don't even know if I'm imagining it.”

“You're not..”

“K-Kaori?”

“Err, nothing. Nothing.”

She looks away from me, leaving silence coldly between us..

Before suddenly remembering what she wanted to tell me earlier.