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At the door, at the time we leave, all I would see is the ground at my feet, not willing to meet their eyes when they bid goodbye.

Hisao carefully carries out my childhood in his arms, the only box left of everything I ever had, all the rest sold or given away.

I didn't open the door to my room, I thought I wanted to, for one last time, but I'm too afraid of remembering, of myself crying under the bed every night, hearing my foster parents yell and fight, then pull me out and make me choose which of them was right.

After the door closes, after the memories muffle away under the years, I look up to them again, after my foster parents have long since shut the door in my face.

I imagine them resting their hands on my shoulder, and we would stand side by side and brightly smile, taking the first and only family photograph we took, so long ago when I was so little, a memory of a time trapped by a frame of glass.

I wish I could break the glass and free that moment from being a memory, or maybe escape from what I've done and hide forever inside our photo, and smile forever in family.

Hisao beckons for me to leave with him, I take one last look at the door... and bow deeply to the two of them, thanking both my foster parents for being there for me, and loving me when they did. This is the last time I'll ever have come through this door as your daughter.

...Farewell.

Hisao's home seems.. poor. It's cheap, it's small and crowded. Still, I lovingly hold on to Hisao's hand, and with trust and faith for one another, we bravely walk into Hisao's home...

Our home..


I spend the first few days learning what to do; there isn't much in the refrigerator, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, the kitchen needs some new dishes, and... lots of things need to be changed or arranged.

Other than his laptop and piles of books and magazines, Hisao doesn't let his frugality up, even when he has enough money to afford so much more. Maybe.. he's saving up? Until he can afford to move entirely?

'Probably', I smile thinking, I make a mental note to wander around the city and find the cheapest stores before buying anything.

There isn't much for me to unpack, nor any want to do so. The box of memories eventually fade away into a random clutter of Hisao's other boxes piling up against a wall.

We already have most of what I could possibly need, other than toothbrush and clothes and shoes.. I'll have to borrow some of Hisao's for the time being, until I visit the department stores.

Time and memories play and pass us by, the weeks become a month, and months grow into seasons, colouring our lives shared together, beginning the journey promised ever since we first kissed, at that winter forest's edge...

Cleaning up one day, my carelessness knocks over a few of Hisao's boxes, spilling out his magazines and my forgotten box of memories.

Hesitation and indecision haunt me for the eternity in a split-second, before I make myself clean up the mess, arranging everything back the way it was. I only stop when smiling faces greet me from the open yearbook, Hisao is there... along with our classmates, all of my dear friends lost to disparate journeys and distant years.

There were the five of us who always held on to each other;

Takumi – The cool handsome one. Everyone secretly admired him, even when they couldn't understand a word he was saying. Always stylish and knowledgeable about the latest gadgets and trends, he was the epitome of 'perfect'. And the only person Shin couldn't provoke to anger.

Shin – Impulsive, rude, but... very kind-hearted, deep down inside. He and I.. were close once. Until he “grew up” and became “too old to hang out with little girls all the time.” Hearing that made me a little sad, though he never distanced himself from me and Mai much.

Mai – She had a crush on Hisao, but never acted on it. I never asked if she was hurt deeply, when Hisao finally admitted he liked me. Mai seemed very happy for the both of us, though her smile felt different ever since... Her parents divorced years before, and she turned to arcade games to distract herself, and enjoyed beating Shin every time, then loudly gloating and hurting his pride.

Hisao – The carefree and most ordinary one. Responsible and mature, if a bit too introverted at times. Would do anything for any of us, despite seeming critical or indifferent to.. just about anything we did. His parents rarely came home from business, and always left Hisao on his own. ..I wonder if that made him feel 'empty' inside..? And prone to reflect or take on personality traits from those he meets?

Iwanako – myself... the quiet and timid one. Described as a fragile 'snow angel' more than once, and caught looking sad and melancholic every winter. I was always lonely.. yet, more than happy to push everyone away from me. I didn't want to make friends since they were meaningless to me, but Mai and Shin pulled me along on her misadventures in the arcade, and inducted me into her fold of five friends. The 'Fab Four' becoming the 'Fantastic Five'. And together, we never looked back on living a lonely life ever again.

Mists of tears dab at my eyes, warmth of cherished memories caress my reddened cheeks.

Hisao and Takumi; The Dynamic Duo of Cool.

Mai, Shin and me; The Good, the Bad (..and later 'not-so-Bad'), and the Lonely.

Spending our time together every night at game centres, wasting away precious money and a little bit of our studies, eating unhealthy vending-machine foods and playing endlessly until closing time.

Fun and happiness, joy and laughter, shared together and wishing we never had to go home. I found meaning in life with them, and I found my love and soulmate in Hisao.

...I miss them.

One fine afternoon, while Hisao is busy writing up a video game review...

“Hisao..?”

Timidly and nervously I call to him, setting down our tray of green tea and Kit-Kat chocolate wafers.

“Wh-what is it, Iwanako?”

He's concentrating hard on his article, typing on his laptop dedicatedly and meticulously checking his words, making sure his review can sell better than any other.

I smile proudly at him, before softly answering.

“I love you.. Hisao.”

Lifting himself up from work, Hisao looks and smiles tenderly at me, taking off his glasses and endearingly caressing my cheek.

Nuzzling against his warm loving palm, I close my eyes and listen to him whisper...

“I love you too, Iwanako..”

I hold on to his gentle hand, feeling him love me...

“Hisao...”

“..yes?”

“Please be my husband.”

“....., alright.”

“Promise me..”

“I'll always love you... I'll always stay by your side. I want to hold you, I want you and only you... as my wife.”

I smile a smile and cry happy tears..

“I'm always yours... I'll always be in your arms. I need you to hold, I need you and only you... as my husband.”

Embracing tightly and crying purely... we hold on.. for as long as it takes, until the lingering sorrows melts in warmth, until in my heart I feel the years of winter bloom a spring of happiness. And through the tears I open my eyes, and finally feel safe and warm.. in Hisao's arms, peaceful and calm.

Softly.. we let go... and I childishly smile and blush when Hisao, my dear, gently kisses and brushes away my tears, warmly blessing me in love.

We look upon each other one more time, remembering who we are now in this beautiful moment, before sharing a quiet meal of green tea and chocolate wafers. Lovingly peeking at each other between shy nibbles and polite sips, welling little tears and happy smiles, having given our hearts to each other so honestly...



“I love you...”

It was a quiet wedding... Mai left no contact number, we couldn't find an address... Takumi is studying in America and couldn't make it.

Shin tried to come, but we didn't want him to miss his chance for a promotion, so, we.. so Hisao and I, had only each other on our wedding day, with only his parents as our guests.

The hotel was nice enough to leave gifts for us; a pair of cute teddy bears named Inia and Cryska, and a 3-in-1 British-style alarm-clock coffee-maker and toaster machine that can be set for an instant breakfast, just perfect for mornings when Hisao invariably wakes up late and needs to catch a train on time.

While Hisao and I danced quietly and whispered our vows, one of the staff left us a heart-shaped lemon meringue pie we didn't order, but Hisao's father had already taken slices out of it by the time we noticed.

Deeply enchanted by the music, I somehow can't help but feel I've heard it somewhere before...

“It's Fields of Gold, by 2Cellos..” Hisao quietly tells me, after hearing me hum the melody endlessly...

“It's so sad...” I whisper, “..but it sounds like two hearts... beating as one.”

We embrace softly in euphoria, with the champagne having gone to our heads. Hisao's father is driving us home instead, while the world beyond the windows blur away into rushing darkness...

“Iwanako..”

“Will you stay with me? Will you be my love.. among fields of gold? Even if.. even if-”

“Come what may.., Iwanako, I'll walk with you. I'll stay beside you, among fields of gold. We'll have each other... and we'll walk side by side.. forever – I love you.”

I'm not sure why I'm crying.. but I am...

“I know I won't live long, Hisao... I'm sorry my heart is broken..”

“Don't be sorry Iwanako, don't fret. We'll be together forever and a day, because we love each other so truly today... I won't yearn for a better yesterday we never had, nor trouble over a tomorrow we might not have – There is only today – And today is a gift, our beautiful present, and my most precious gift to you.”

His loving words rests softly upon my quivering lips, kissing me asleep... comforting my soul in his embrace..

I have a dream about us... as we walk hand-in-hand, through golden fields towards a brilliant light...

Shining warmly though someone seems missing... someone with a sincere smile and a heart so pure, even if half-hidden by sorrows..

A dark shadow... following my every step through fields of gold, hiding away a boy I used to know...

I wake up in our bed.. with the cool blanket of night enveloping me... as Hisao bids his parents safe journey and tearfully waves them goodbye...


I ask him to turn off the lights, and undress me..

With a smile, and a click that darkens the room, I feel him upon me..

Kissing me tenderly, pulling my wedding gown gently off my body...


While he kisses and traces the ugly scars on my chest, a little bit of my passion dies..

But he starts to enter me slowly, warmly pushing and reaching deep inside..

Gasps of pleasure are all I think about, remembering our first kiss under the winter sky...


I hold on to him, feeling him reach deeper and faster..

He pushes hard and desperate, suddenly pulling us close in our first moment together...

I am.. deflowered... my virginity taken... in his embrace, I cry softly.. sadly.. I cry and whimper...


It's not as beautiful as I hoped it would be, but it's Hisao who's holding me.. I couldn't care less about losing my purity, as long as the man who truly loves me... as long as he's happy, it's more than enough for me.

Our passions ending, we hold on to each other bare in beautiful darkness..... and quietly dream..

I'm distracted by a passing car, and I wonder about Acair and the white DB9 he drives back in Scotland. 'Maybe he would buy a Lancer Evo X if he stayed in Japan?' I think to myself, not noticing Hanzou walking on ahead at a distance away.

I quickly catch up to him, before bumping against his back when he stops suddenly, turning around and asking me what I was doing.

I admit to him that I was.. daydreaming.. again.

He gives me an odd look, a mix between an amused smile and a disapproving frown... I guess he can't decide whether he's grown fond of me or should be stern against me.

In the end, he just softly tells me to.. not keep doing what I do best.

Feeling both cuddled and scolded somehow, I'm not sure how I should act... nor how to stop myself from daydreaming away in the middle of the day, for that matter..

Suddenly, I look to the box of Ricola sweets in my hands, and eagerly raise them up in excitement, wearing a childish smile despite the box almost touching Hanzou's nose, innocently asking him in joy if he wants one.

He gives a definite frown of disapproval at that, ..or at least, he pretends to, and turns around and keeps walking, saying that he doesn't really want one.

“But.. aren't you hungry?” I ask, following him closely like a spurned puppy.

“No, Iwanako. I'm not. – And why would I eat.. those? Even if I was?”

But a hungry grumble from Hanzou comically contradicts him..

He suddenly stops, and I softly bump into him again...

He turns around halfway to me, and with half-hidden embarrassment, he gives an open palm.

“Gimme some of that Ricola, Iwanako.”

With a light chuckle, I place one into his outstretched hand, and wonderingly ask, “Hanzou... if you're hungry, maybe we should... errm...”

Looking around the street as he starts to chew on the herbal candy, I suddenly spy a bakery shop with some fresh muffins in the window. Eagerly pulling Hanzou by the hand with delight, I quickly lead him inside...

Before long, we're happily nibbling on a couple of muffins, with mine being chocolate and his banana flavoured.

He says it's good, despite the odd banana flavour. I smile and giggle slightly, as a tiny fluff of it clings adorably at the nose-tip of Hanzou's mask, somehow eluding his notice.

I move myself closer to him, suddenly holding the side of his mask... not sure if I'm about to pick the fluff of banana-muffin... or kiss him lovingly on the cheek.

Tracing along his face.. my fingertips rest upon the scars peeking out below his mask...

But he flinches suddenly, and before I could- “DON'T TOUCH MY FACE!”

I startle awake screaming with a sharp pain in my chest, Hisao is already holding and shaking me, telling me to calm down, “It's just a dream Iwanako! Calm down! Just try and breathe!... I'm here, Iwanako... It's alright, it's alright.. just breathe..”

Gasping in fear and breathing through terror, I shake uncontrollably in Hisao's arms, feeling beads of cold sweat running down the back of my head, ...my heart is pounding loud against the violent end of that dream.....

Who is that? Who.. what happened to him? Why did...

What was his name? I swear I had it just a moment ago...!

Who is that boy with the half-hidden smile?