Katawa Shoujo Forums

forgetmenot wrote:If you want to read one ending over the other, I won't blame you.

Ha! No, that won’t be happening. I’ll read whatever you write.

neio wrote:I'll be honest. I thought this chapter was below par for your writing and for KS smut in general. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure why. To me, it felt disjointed and rushed.

Here are some assorted comments that I took down while reading.

My eyes grow wide as I realize the implication of her affection, causing me to break away for just a moment. Kagami's eyes grow wide with questioning.

Repetition

"No," she replies, barely using half a breath before moving her hands to the back of my head again, pulling me into a somehow deeper and more passionate kiss.

Shizune all over again?

passion
passionate
impassioned
passionate

Repetition

Now it's my turn to nod vigorously, which turns her expression towards more of a smile.

This just seems like an awkward sentence

extracting herself from me just slightly

Implies she's in him. Unless I missed the kinky part with the strapon, this is not the case.

This contributes to my already substantial feeling of relief.

This sentence has a different tone than the rest of the text. I read it as analytical and trying too hard, like a high school English essay.

All of this...

neio wrote:Anyways, don't be discouraged. H-writing is an entirely different beast, and takes practice like anything else.

...and especially this. If I never write another H-scene, it will be too soon.

In all honesty, I'm disappointed that's all there was to the chapter. This could simply have been tacked onto the end of the previous chapter without breaking the flow in any way. Then, at least, it would be part of a character-driven chapter, rather than being 90% smut. It could also have had a more extensive epilogue to achiever a better story-smut ratio, but I'm probably splitting hairs.

It's decently well-written - aside from the issues neio pointed out - even though it sort of reuses some of the dialogue from the Doujinshi's Hisao mentioned. Specifically, the queries about things feeling good, which are entirely rhetorical. It's possible you were intentionally lampooning that kind of dialogue, but it's a thought in Hisao's head rather than that of Kagami, who does most of the talking.

I suppose Kagami could be having the same thought, though...

Helbereth wrote:In all honesty, I'm disappointed that's all there was to the chapter. This could simply have been tacked onto the end of the previous chapter without breaking the flow in any way. Then, at least, it would be part of a character-driven chapter, rather than being 90% smut. It could also have had a more extensive epilogue to achiever a better story-smut ratio, but I'm probably splitting hairs.

Well, it was originally just the end of the previous chapter. I decided to separate it out mostly to isolate the 18+ content. It may or may not have been the best decision as far as an episodically released work is concerned, but I suppose at this point the argument has little to do with content and more to do with semantics. Splitting hairs is tedious work, indeed.

Helbereth wrote:It's decently well-written - aside from the issues neio pointed out - even though it sort of reuses some of the dialogue from the Doujinshi's Hisao mentioned. Specifically, the queries about things feeling good, which are entirely rhetorical. It's possible you were intentionally lampooning that kind of dialogue, but it's a thought in Hisao's head rather than that of Kagami, who does most of the talking.

Well, now that I've gone back and made the appropriate edits, thanks, I suppose. As far as the Doujinshi-esque dialogue, I suppose I'll plea the fifth and let Poe's law determine the guilty party. I'll chalk it up to needing more practice writing H-content. Which I probably won't delve into, as this is pretty much the only H-scene that's of any consequence to the rest of the story. So I guess that's good news?

Helbereth wrote:I suppose Kagami could be having the same thought, though...

These days, who knows what that girl is thinking? Sometimes I think she's more of an enigma to me than she is to Hisao.

Thanks again for reading! Work on the new chapter is progressing marginally smoothly, so I suppose the good news is that I'll probably be updating more frequently than I have been from now on. Fingers crossed!

Wow, really enjoying this story. Keep up the good work! Not much to comment on recent chapters other then good job and I'm glad you're updating more.

Just read the whole psuedo route so far, great work! Keep it up!

forgetmenot wrote:Well, now that I've gone back and made the appropriate edits, thanks, I suppose. As far as the Doujinshi-esque dialogue, I suppose I'll plea the fifth and let Poe's law determine the guilty party. I'll chalk it up to needing more practice writing H-content. Which I probably won't delve into, as this is pretty much the only H-scene that's of any consequence to the rest of the story. So I guess that's good news?

It did feel rushed, but in the sense you intended. This is one of those situations where you could have benefited from a POV change, but you haven't set up your story that way, so you just had to roll with it the way you did. It takes me an eternity to write mine compared to normal scenes, since I feel they'll be scrutinized that much more closely.

Believe me, I've read much worse H-scenes. Some of them came from my own keyboard. This one was at least believable, though not terribly feelsy. Again, I thought the lack of emotional depth was deliberate, since it does almost seem like Kagami is using Hisao as a fucktoy -- one she cares about, but still a fucktoy. I also didn't find it particularly arousing, but then I usually don't when reading these. It was pretty damn important to the plot, if I get the gist of where you're taking it from here.

I had no issues with you separating that scene off by itself, even if the main purpose of doing so was to be able to slap on a warning label. The process of releasing episodically made it seem more isolated than it actually was, and you're still well on the plot-with-porn side of the line as opposed to the porn-with-plot side.

Loved the route, just finished reading it in its entirety within one sitting(although I may be late to the draw). I started reading this route last year before all the current chapters were posted and stopped at around chapter 15 was it? I can't quite remember, but I took it up late last night and started reading again. After some preparation of course, Blade Runner is a fantastic movie. Although, I am sad you didn't use the line "All these moments are lost in history, like a tear drop in the rain" yet. The last chapter made me blush horribly, but I really enjoyed this story. Kagami was very fascinating and interestingeven though we never got to meet her father, or even know about her mother. Thank you for sharing that with us, can't wait to read more

"Oh nice, there was an update August fifth!


...damned european dating system"

The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?

Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?

I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.

YutoTheOrc wrote:Loved the route, just finished reading it in its entirety within one sitting(although I may be late to the draw). I started reading this route last year before all the current chapters were posted and stopped at around chapter 15 was it? I can't quite remember, but I took it up late last night and started reading again. After some preparation of course, Blade Runner is a fantastic movie. Although, I am sad you didn't use the line "All these moments are lost in history, like a tear drop in the rain" yet. The last chapter made me blush horribly, but I really enjoyed this story. Kagami was very fascinating and interestingeven though we never got to meet her father, or even know about her mother. Thank you for sharing that with us, can't wait to read more

Ah, sheesh, thanks so much! I realize there hasn't been an update in a while, but I took a little break to write another story involving Saki and Rika, and I haven't really gotten back into the swing of this one just yet. There's about half of the next chapter written, so hopefully I should be able to get this updated soon. Thanks for reading!

LilyKitsune wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?

I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.

I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on.

Mirage_GSM wrote:However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?

Hear, hear. ISO 8601 forever.

(And now I check to see if I used ISO 8601 dates in my own thread titles...)

Edit: I did. And, I have my board date format set to Y-m-d H:i:s.

forgetmenot wrote:I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on.

Days like today (8/8) would also be fine.

forgetmenot wrote:

LilyKitsune wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:The update was on May 8th, and that's not how I - as a european - would write that date at all (I'd write "08.05.")
However to avoid confusion why don't we all use the correct way of writing dates in the future?

I know it was. I just saw it at the top of the first page with a 5/8 and got excited for a second.

I think to avoid confusion I'll just update after the 12th of every month from now on.

Its too late! You have taken my hopes and crushed them =(

Caught up and following, enjoying what I've read so far. Keep it up!