Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

[Machoman]

Great update

[Trivun]

Great to see this story updated again. This is one of my favorite ongoing stories on the site. With that said, good chapter. I'm really looking forward to their second time in the city. though that's probably a few chapters away(it's been a while since I've played the route).

Thank you! Although I'm not sure what you mean by second time in the city, unless you're referring to the good end when they kiss properly in public for the first time? Which would be in the small town at the foot of the hill. In any case, thanks for the kind words

Squee! An update!

Would it be safe to assume the neutral end is coming first? Time will tell, I suppose.

“Se you, Hisao.” I turn and walk away, though not without a genuine smile, and head back to the female dormitories, ready to start my work. I look forward to seeing him again soon enough.

"See you, Hisao."

Correction noted and made, thanks. And yep, neutral will be first, and the good will branch off the choice there (rather than me going back to this point for a third time, which would be rather redundant, though I'm sure everyone already realised that ).

Would it be safe to assume the neutral end is coming first? Time will tell, I suppose.

Yep, Trivun is doing it in the Bad (which has already been completed), Neutral, and then Good ending order.

I've been looking forward to an update forever, and was excited to see it finally! This was a good update and I'm already getting antsy for another chapter!

Hopefully it shouldn't be a very long wait, I'm in Leeds (my old university city) next weekend to see some old friends and I'll have quite a bit of free time in the hotel so I want to try and get some more writing done there. Not sure if there'll be Wifi though so I might not be able to upload anything quite so soon...

Hanako's birthday is in the next installment?

Oh my...

Oh... my.

Oh my.

I'm absolutely thrilled! My fascination with this story has hit a fever pitch, glad to see another post!

I am monitoring this thread.

Ah the birthday. Hanako's least favorate day of the year. Sigh, we are going to going through an emotional roller coaster before we are done.

Not quite the birthday, but very close. We see the neutral end next, which doesn't quite get as far as the birthday itself, then the good ending which is if Hisao chooses to stay away from Hanako on the day before the birthday. I must admit though that I am kind of cheating there, in terms of my knowledge - I read ahead so I would know what's coming (since it's been a long while since I played through this route properly, without writing alongside it...).

Enjoyed this chapter, as always.

Hanako's birthday is in the next installment?

Since Trivun seems to be going scene-by-scene, the next installment would be the reflection of "Truancy", with her birthday the one following.

I just re-read the entire story and I enjoyed it just as much the second time as I did the first time. Great writing and I'm really excited to see where this is going!

Great update

Cheers guys, glad to see people are still enjoying the story even with the sporadic updates!

[dewelar]

Great to see this story updated again. This is one of my favorite ongoing stories on the site. With that said, good chapter. I'm really looking forward to their second time in the city. though that's probably a few chapters away(it's been a while since I've played the route).

Thank you! Although I'm not sure what you mean by second time in the city,

He's talking about when Hisao meets Hanako at the cafe. I am very interested to see her thoughts leading up to that meeting .

[Bad Apple]

Awful lot of updates in November; couple that with a multi-week absence and you have me almost losing this thread!

Decent update as always. Hadn't thought of the good-neutral ending dynamic until now, but I did always expect the order to be Bad, Neutral, Good.

It'll be very interesting to see Hanako's stream of consciousness as this story climaxes. Be sure to pack your Hazmat suit, dear author, for the last few chapters bring on the flames of, shall we say, passion among many a Hanabro.

[Trivun]

Awful lot of updates in November; couple that with a multi-week absence and you have me almost losing this thread!

Decent update as always. Hadn't thought of the good-neutral ending dynamic until now, but I did always expect the order to be Bad, Neutral, Good.

It'll be very interesting to see Hanako's stream of consciousness as this story climaxes. Be sure to pack your Hazmat suit, dear author, for the last few chapters bring on the flames of, shall we say, passion among many a Hanabro.

Apologies for the very late reply, been a bit busy with Christmas coming up and work as well. Plus two weekends away (in Leeds and Cardiff respectively) which haven't left me with much writing time . Anyhow, thanks for the comments, and yep, the order was always going to be that, though I tried to be more subtle early on and leave people guessing.

I'll be trying to get at least one update out now before Christmas, however if I can manage two then I will, as a nice present for you all. No guarantees though, except it is definitely my aim to get at least one chapter uploaded everywhere before Wednesday . If I don't manage that then feel free to send me lumps of coal in lieu of Santa doing so...

[Aphex]

Awful lot of updates in November; couple that with a multi-week absence and you have me almost losing this thread!

Decent update as always. Hadn't thought of the good-neutral ending dynamic until now, but I did always expect the order to be Bad, Neutral, Good.

It'll be very interesting to see Hanako's stream of consciousness as this story climaxes. Be sure to pack your Hazmat suit, dear author, for the last few chapters bring on the flames of, shall we say, passion among many a Hanabro.

Apologies for the very late reply, been a bit busy with Christmas coming up and work as well. Plus two weekends away (in Leeds and Cardiff respectively) which haven't left me with much writing time . Anyhow, thanks for the comments, and yep, the order was always going to be that, though I tried to be more subtle early on and leave people guessing.

I'll be trying to get at least one update out now before Christmas, however if I can manage two then I will, as a nice present for you all. No guarantees though, except it is definitely my aim to get at least one chapter uploaded everywhere before Wednesday . If I don't manage that then feel free to send me lumps of coal in lieu of Santa doing so...

Woo! Caught up with this story in November and have anticipated an update since.

[Trivun]

We're nearing the end of another branch! I can't guarantee another update before Christmas, but I will try. Otherwise, if I don't post again before then, Merry Christmas to you all! For now, we have another choice for Hisao to make, and then we start approaching the endgame... On that note, a few words about the name of this chapter. It's a reference to a 1924 chess game, between champion players, Edward Lasker and Emanuel Lasker (no relation). The match featured a brand new strategy never seen previously, a new fortress variant involving a white king and knight pair against a black king, rook and pawn. Knight to D4 was the final move, before stalemate was declared. It ended in a draw but could have resulted in a black win (there was really no chance of a white victory). I think Hanako would appreciate the parallels drawn. I also feel the analogy is rather apt, in this scenario...

Act 4 - Chapter One, Second Branch: Knight to D4

My tears stain the pillow, my gown is damp from crying. I thought today would be better, but in some ways it's only ended up worse. To finally find someone who I can trust, who I can be honest with, only for my emotions to get in the way before I can truly give him that honesty. I didn't have the nightmares but even now I can't bring myself to stop the flow of liquid dripping down my face. I enjoyed my time with Hisao so much yesterday, I thought that maybe I could finally move forward, finally start to put my past behind me.

I was naive to think it would be so easy.

As I weep, alone in an empty bed, I hear a knock on the door. I know exactly who it is, I can't avoid it. I don't want him to see me like this! Not after the happy times we shared together yesterday, and all those times before. I can't bear to let him see me in this state. I try desperately to stop the flow as the knocking continues, louder this time. “ Hanako, it's just me. Mutou said to give you some stuff.”

I can't ignore him. As much as may want to, I just can't do it. He's been so good to me recently, and if I'm going to trust him then I know he'll have to see me in this way before we can make any further progress. Even so, I wipe the last of the tears from my face, the sleeves of my pink gown becoming ever so slightly more wet, and make my way towards the door. I walk slowly, reluctantly, hoping in the back of my mind that when I finally open the door he'll have already left. My eyes are fixed on the floor, expecting to see a set of papers pushed underneath. No such luck.

I reach the door and fiddle with the handle. As I open it I make sure to only let a crack of light shine through, as if to say I don't want Hisao here right now. As ever, he doesn't take the hint, though I guess I should be used to that by now. It's one of the things I like about him so much, and at the same time, one of the most infuriating.

“Hi, Hanako. Mutou wanted me to give you these since you weren't in class today.” He holds out a stack of papers, assignments which I take in hand. My arm drops to my side and I try to avoid meeting his eye. I don't want him to notice the red marks where I've been rubbing my own, or how tired I really am. I just hope that he leaves without question, but in my heart I know he'll stay, if only to make sure I'm alright. “Are you... okay? If you're feeling sick or anything, I could go get a nurse.”

I'm grateful, and I finally turn my eyes towards his, though only for a second. I'd be better off on my own, but the gesture is welcome. “I'm fine,” I reply. We wait in silence for a moment. I'm able to look at him properly now, and as I do I notice his eyes point downwards, towards my sleeves and the cuffs of my gown. He can see the stains, and he looks up at my face as I turn away again. What must he be thinking?

“I see.” He gives me no clues with his reply. Another pause, then he speaks again, and his reason for lingering becomes clear. “Would you like me to stay? I don't have anything urgent to do at the moment, so it wouldn't be any trouble.”

I look away again, at the wall opposite, and downwards. I should have known Hisao would try to stay, to be here with me, and at any other time I would have said yes. I did say yes, when we went to the city, and it was wonderful. But this is a time for me to be alone, and I can't drag him into my own misery. It wouldn't be fair, nor right. “Hanako?” he presses me to reply. I respond with a shake of my head, albeit with mild regret.

“Okay,” he says. “Um... good night, then.” He waits, and I close the door without another word. I feel bad to send him away so abruptly, but it's for the best. In any case, I'm glad. He took it better than I thought he would, and I can hope now that we have some kind of understanding. At the same time, I hope I don't see him again for the next couple of days. I can't trust myself to not send him away again. No matter how much I may want to see him.

I can't keep on like this! I keep contradicting myself at every turn, speaking in paradoxes and wishing for the joy of love, of friendship, yet pushing it away every time. It's hard, and as I fall asleep I know I'll not rest tonight, fearing the nightmares that always plague me. It's worse at this time of year. No, I don't want him there tomorrow. Yet if he does come, I won't fight it. I won't fight him. At least as friends we can be together, although we may never push forward and progress our relationship if he does. If he can give me the space I need then maybe, just maybe, what I want will finally occur. If not, then we'll just have to settle for less. When I have the strength I'll return to class, and return to him, but until then... we'll just have to see...[/spoiler]

[Atario]

the name of this chapter. It's a reference to a 1924 chess game

And I thought my scene titles were going to be hard to figure out…

[Negativedarke]

Well this is a nice christmas gift. Sorta. Well we know Hanako went through an emotional rollercoaster. But hey, we're getting closer to the good ending!

[Trivun]

the name of this chapter. It's a reference to a 1924 chess game

And I thought my scene titles were going to be hard to figure out…

Oh yes . Every single one of my chapter titles has a distinct meaning, and often (though not always) a reference outside the story as well. I might just put a list together of the chapter title inspirations when the story is done, and post it as an extra...

Well this is a nice christmas gift. Sorta. Well we know Hanako went through an emotional rollercoaster. But hey, we're getting closer to the good ending!

Yep, very close indeed . This latest chapter is the branching point, or rather, the branch occurs during the starting bit of the next chapter, if you want to be more chronologically accurate. But yes, we're moving forward and closer to the end, both neutral and good. It'll all be worth it soon enough!

[Trivun]

I did say I couldn't guarantee this so early, so hopefully it'll be a nice Christmas present for you all! To anyone who hasn't noticed though, please remember I've updated this twice in three days, so make sure you haven't missed the previous chapter before reading this one. And on that note, Merry Christmas to you all, and have a very Happy New Year!

Act 4 – Chapter Two, Second Branch: Flying Too Close To The Sun

Today is no worse than any other. I'm shocked in a way, though I can barely register it. Maybe the past few days had some kind of calming influence, after all. My tears from yesterday have not returned, but that could be because I've had so little to drink so far. I haven't left the room, whatever food was hidden away becoming my only sustenance. In truth, I'm more exhausted than anything. I've tried to sleep, but in a strange paradox I found myself unable to rest. My body is fighting itself to nod off, but my mind is telling me to stay awake, and I have to go with what my mind tells me.

I've decided that if Hisao comes today, I won't fight him. I'll admit, I'd rather he stay away, just so that I can avoid him seeing me at my worst, which I realise is a rather selfish way to look at things. I don't care. If I can put it off for just a short while, another year perhaps, then it would be worth it. But if he does try to visit, then I'll allow it, and in a way I could do with the company. At least I know that I have friends, however much I try to push them away. It's hard, and maybe I don't deserve them. Or maybe I do, and maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It's difficult to get out of that mentality even now. I've gone so long feeling worthless that times like these, finally moving forward, become surreal moments where I'm no longer sure of how to progress. My routine has always been to close myself away, and Hisao has ripped that apart without me even realising. He's pushed his way into my life and now I don't know what I would do without him.

I haven't spoken to Miss Yumi for a while. We've touched on matters in our therapy sessions, but I feel as if I have to do this myself. Our meetings have taken a break now while I get through my... (I know I can do this...) my birthday. Any other therapist would say this is an ideal time to talk through my problems, to try and make some motion forwards, but Miss Yumi knows me well enough that she suggested the pause. The last time a therapist tried to hold a meeting with me at this time of the year, I regressed back to six months before, and all the progress we'd made in that time was lost.

Maybe I'm a lost cause. Maybe I'll never get better. But for now at least, I can finally allow myself to think differently. To think that I may be worth something after all, and that my own dreams and wishes are valued in some small way.

I consider sending an email to Lilly, but again I can't bring myself to do it. I certainly can't imagine phoning her. I don't know what the time is in Scotland, and I doubt I could afford the charge for an international call anyway. In any case, being able to allow Hisao here, however tentatively it may be, is a far cry from picking up the phone and taking the initiative. I could go to class but again I don't feel up to it. The questions, the stares, and everything that would come with such a bold move... again, I know I'd do nothing but regress once more. Being able to face just one person would be an achievement, as far as I'm concerned. If it has to be anyone, I'd want it to be Hisao.

I realise I'm talking in circles again. My mind is confused and my thoughts are going nowhere, on the one hand hoping Hisao comes and visits me and on the other wishing that he would stay away. I have to make my mind up for once!

No. I don't want him here. That's the final word. If he does come I'll be grateful, I'll welcome him, and I'll appreciate the gesture, but I'll know then that we can never be together. Not in the way I want. I need space to grieve, to mourn, and to wallow in my self-misery, if only as penance. If he doesn't come, then I can approach him tomorrow, when I have the strength, with hope in my heart and see how he reacts. To finally be certain if he does care, and simply wishes to give me the space I need, or if he had no intention of being here at all for me. Those are my options. As I consider them, and wonder how the day will turn out, I rest my head on the pillow and try to get some sleep, however minimal it may be.

I'm awakened by a knock on the door. I don't know how long it's been since I finally dozed off, but I know who it is. He came after all.

“Evening, Hanako. It's just me.” I wait to see if he'll leave, but he stays put as I hear his voice once more through the door. “I... I have some food for the both of us. Could I come in?”

I consider refusing, but the offer he's made is too tempting to resist. It's nice of him. I really do appreciate it, but in a way I'm disappointed. I didn't want him to come.

He waits, and I admire the patience. I halfway expected him to keep knocking, to plead to come in, no matter how long I wait myself. Instead, he's calm and gives me time to get out of bed, slip my gown on, and walk barefoot across the room to unlock the door.

As I open it, Hisao looks into my eyes, not exactly staring but with a subtle hint of relief and joy that I've decided to let him in. I glance at the package in his left hand, then across to see the same on the right. I retreat, leaving the door open as a beckons for him to follow. I still hope he doesn't, but I promised myself I wouldn't argue or fight. Nevertheless, he enters, just as I predicted.

He closes the door behind him and paces across to the desk, putting down both plates, a quick-fix curry dish and fork upon each. “Um... it's just an instant meal,” he says as he turns towards me, “but it should be filling.” I must confess that I am feeling rather hungry, and however much I might not want him here the gesture is the best thing he could have done for me, short of staying away. I don't say anything, but nod graciously as he hands me a plate. I sit on the bed, he in the chair by my desk, and we eat in silence.

It's hardly the best taste, I could have cooked better had I been in the mood, but I don't say anything to him. The thought is what counts, and at least it's edible. It's almost like a regular lunchtime, and I start to think more of the happy times we've had together.

“It's kind of nice, eating together like this,” says Hisao. He clearly shares my own sentiments. As I look at him, partway puzzled at the suddenness of his comment, partway agreeing with what he thinks, he continues. “We became friends mainly over sharing lunch breaks, so it's nice to go back to those times a bit.”

We pause for a few seconds as I consider his words. I notice a frown forming on his face, ever so gently, and quickly smile and nod. It's mostly to show my feelings, but also slightly to alleviate his own concerns at my lack of response.

A thought hits me, and I begin to worry. What else does he expect? I don't know if Hisao wants more than this, as I do, or if his own feelings towards me are changing, or if he's spoken to Lilly, or whatever else may be happening, that I've not seen in my closed off state. I want him, I truly do, but I also know that as long as we continue like this we can never be together, at least not as anything more than we already share. He needs to realise that, but I can't tell him. I can't bring myself to do it, I don't have the strength nor the self-belief to do so. I settle for asking him a question, a chance for me to understand how things can be for us.

“Everything's... the same as before, isn't it?” Whatever his answer, I have to accept it.

“Y-yeah,” he says. “Of course it is.” The stammer at the start makes Hisao seem uncertain, something I understand as well as I know that my own stammer has been steadily vanishing ever since I first met him. He continues in a more firm voice, as if to dispel any thoughts of doubt from my mind, and just as importantly, his own. “You've still got Lilly and me to help you and protect you, and once she gets back, everything will be just like she never left.”

I nod at this. It's just as I feared. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to change. I want to be with him, to hold his hand and embrace him and kiss him and to show myself to him, body and soul. The thoughts race in my mind but all I can focus on is the Hisao sitting across from me with a plateful of rice and curry.

My heart is broken, but in losing a potential lover I realise I've at least gained a true friend. I can't ignore that. As much as I want things to be different, I have to accept this and be content. Maybe they'll understand what I want, eventually, but until then, if things must stay as they were, then so be it.

We conclude our meal and sit awkwardly for a few more moments, each wondering what to say. For once I have to make the first step. Before he speaks I raise my voice. “I... I was wondering... since y-you're here...” I break off, and move across to a drawer where I pull out a slightly dusty board, folded with playing pieces hidden inside. “W-would you... like to play...?”

His response startles me a little, a clear sigh of relief. He switches seats from the chair to the bed as I set the game up, white and black pieces in neat ordered rows as always. I smile and take my position with the black side close to me, Hisao playing as white.

He makes his move and I reciprocate. As the game begins in earnest, we make the same plays we always do. The same openings, the same offense and defense, the same captures. We regress into our familiar styles of battle. I can't help but worry now that no matter what we say or do, this is always going to be how we stay. A stark vision of the future. It's not all bad, but I wanted more.

I wanted more...

[AntonSlavik020]

Well, now that we have that out of the way, the good ending can finally begin. It should be great.

[sanduba]

yay, yay~!!

now hope it doesn't take long before the good ending.

dat hisao's speech in the good ending is tearjerking

[bhtooefr]

I still say the bad ending is a better ending for Hanako than the neutral one.

[AntonSlavik020]

I still say the bad ending is a better ending for Hanako than the neutral one.

That could very well be true. I've seen people make very good points about that before. Kinda reminds me about how Rin's neutral ending is more depressing than her bad ending.