Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Keneshiro]

Mini update. The university accepted my appeal. i won't know what they'll decide yet but either way, I'm not going back. My dad's moping about saying that I have the potential but just lack the motivation. In all honesty, I really am beyond caring.

[Beoran]

Wetterl, It's good to hear that things are starting to go better for you. Those three points are very valuable. Life does not "have" meaning, it's something you have to give meaning by living it now.

If you're considering a job as a computer programmer, it can earn quite well, as I can attest. This week I even received a nice German car I can use freely as my company car, and even the diesel I use for it is paid for. But the important thing is that you can enjoy the job otherwise you won't last.

Keneshiro, which brings me to you. Your father is right. Which brings us to the core question: Why are you "beyond caring"? It's your own life, and you're trowing away some chances that you may not get again. What's the matter?

[Kutagh]

@Keneshiro: About what exactly are you ' beyond caring'? Is it the university being a PITA? Is it your study itself?
If not the study, if you're still passionate about going into that direction: Life sucks. Even computer science throws in subjects that are just crap (functional programming, which is haskell, for me... ). But if you're truly passionate about that direction then you'll have to buckle up and just do it. Because it will be the same for everything, you won't be getting just fun stuff but also boring, hard and/or annoying stuff. Buckle up and clear it so you can continue to do the stuff you enjoy.

[Pseudogenesis]

Throwing away so much effort is always a waste, Keneshiro.

[Keneshiro]

20 years I've been following my dad's orders. He ordered, I just followed. No opinions, no protesting, nothing. The whole point for heading to med school on the other side of the planet was just so I could get the hell away from him. When I got to the UK, I was kinda enthusiastic about it at first. Then I realised that the bloody course was inefficient, full of BS and just plain confusing, ie I had no idea what the hell was going on. And then from there it was sorta like a domino effect. I stopped heading to lectures, day dreaming in lessons, generally not giving a fuck. So, when I got back, after failiing my semester test, I had zero motivation. Zilch. My dad tried to force me again, but this time I just ignored him. He's a control freak. Just mad. Just to make the university take me back, he wanted to drag me for the appeal, thinking that it'll help, but turns out, the school would rather deal with this via paper instad of in-person. So he's gotten pissed, and is angry that I failed. He'd tell me that my life was my own to choose and then subsequently throw a fit when I told him I considered leaving medicine. He'd tell me that in my entire life, no one forced me to study, when in fact, he was the one forcing me into all kinds of shit. He says that my mind is fast because I spot text on a computer quickly, but that's only because I'm from the computer generation. I honestly think he's in denial. He doesn't want to believe that his only son isn't that smart after all.

You know how people develop immunity/resistance towards any foreign object in their body after prolonged exposure? Same thing. I'm sick of it. Sick of all the pushing, the yelling, the nagging. Fuck it, I'm done. The fact that other jokers in my year whom I tutored actually passed while I didn't doesn't exactly help either.

I'm sorry for ranting guys, but I guess I need somewhere to let off some steam.

[Auratus]

@Kutagh, Nothing but fraction of my heart,Actually. But it's good that I have taken most of it back from my old crush and send it far away. It is easier to focus on something else when you can put thing which you longs for and it within your reach but you can't take it and it will harm you if you try to take it, to somewhere you can't reach it. If you understand what I'm trying to say.

To make you guys understand my heart-study goal better. I will expain it. There are 13 medical and 5 dental faculty which used a test for admission due to lack of standard in normal admission test. Me , my old and new crush are among 25,000-ish student who want to take the test. The medical admission system allow those who take the test to choose up to 4 faculty to being admitted, which depends on how well you done in test and order of your choice

I choose Med A, Med C, Med B if you list it alphabetically from highest score. I actually want to study in either and only A or C so I add B for "the sake of completeness" as my friend said that student from best school (mine being fourth best) choose A,B,C, and I quite good in studying compared to class.
My old crush, by either determination or insanity, choose Med A and only Med A. She said to someone that she will follow her girlfriend (She is gay or lesbian, depends on what you call it) and no matter how bad her faculty is, She will study in University A, and with her awesome academic ability. I doubt if she will have trouble admitted into Med A.
My new crush, despite abnormal in some way. are choose like normal people do by choosing Dental A and Dental B and 2 other with lower score. I She is either humble or honest about she aren't good in studying so Dental B is her target.

Due to my selection I have little chance to meet her in university years if she end up in anywhere but A. I wish I will do my best in admission test to get in A University. But somehow I just can't spark my motivation to the point I should be, or was be in 5 month ago when I am fired up to take my old crush's place in class and follow her to A Uni. Of course, back then I never thought our relation would be screw up and/or I would crushed on not-quite-awesome in study girl that I know for 2 day. Despite she can't revive my motivation, She makes living with my old crush existance much easier.

@Keneshiro I am quite understand what you feel and why you have to take it off. It is terrible feeling when you just want to be obedient and end up dissapprointing despite "no one forced you to choose this way" (It might be bad time to ask but... do you interested in Path of Rin?) Your dad might blame you on his own fault that he never listen to your heart, which even you never spoke what you really want. It's still his fault trying to tells you how you should live.
I think you should not give a f*** about it and start finding what you love to do. If you can't find one you might take some credible personality test to discover yourself. You are a failure only if living under your father's word forever after is what you call success. So, in short. I telling you it is time to revolution. Down to the order you used to follow and start living in the your own live, your own heart. But do it under the law and morality.

P.S. Erm.. don't start any real revolution. It just a metaphor.

[kotomikun]

Throwing away so much effort is always a waste, Keneshiro.

Actually, that's nearly the opposite of true.

I was in a similar situation to Keneshiro's a few years ago: doing a difficult major in college that I didn't really care about beyond it being basically what my parents expected me to do, got so bored I couldn't concentrate and dropped out due to irrecoverable grades. I eventually went back, "buckled down" to the extent I could manage, and finished; but it was a difficult slog and was, in retrospect, almost completely pointless. Pretty much all it achieved was making me decide I never wanted anything to do with that subject or academia ever again, which is sort of problematic because the major itself is almost useless without going to grad school...and that is not happening ever. (The extremely long version is here.)

Now, of course, my scenario isn't/wasn't exactly the same. But I would say, Keneshiro, that you need to figure out what you actually want to do (short-term or long-term or whatever-term, doesn't really matter) and try to do that. It's a hypocritical recommendation because I don't know how to do that for myself, even though I need to...but it's more worth trying than just continuing to work through what you're already doing without question when you seem to be struggling for non-trivial reasons (they wouldn't have let you into med school if you weren't smart enough to get through it, so I doubt that's the problem). Don't go back to med school unless you're sure that's what you (not you as commanded by your dad) really want to do. Giving up on the work you've put in already is only a waste if you genuinely care about what you were working towards.

[Pseudogenesis]

Throwing away so much effort is always a waste, Keneshiro.

Actually, that's nearly the opposite of true.

Well of course if he's not interested in the subject then it would be a waste, because all his life he would be confined to something that he hates. But I was assuming he actually wanted to go into medicine. (Also, TVTropes isn't the most reliable source to cite, but I'll let this one slide. :p)

[Beoran]

Keneshiro, I feel that the reason you're demotivated is because you're tired of following your father's desires. Don't sell yourself short. You're smart enough, and if you were motivated enough, you too would have passed. But the fact that you went to that university just to run away from your father sorta shows that actually, you dind't have any real motivation to go there in the first place. You ran away and kept on running. To be honest, I feel that you might have failed because you wanted to make a point to your father. You wanted to oppose him. You anted to do the opposite of what he wanted for you. That would be understandable from an emotional point of view, but not a very wise approach for your own future.

Not the important thing is: what do YOU really want to do? It's not because your father wants you to do X that you want to do X, but that also doesn't mean that you don't want to do X just because your father wants that. That would just be being contrary. Don't think about what your father wants. Think about what you really want, regardless of his desires. Maybe if you think well, you'll realize that you want to go medical school after all. Or maybe not.

And more importantly, talk to your father and tell him calmly but clearly what is bothering you so much. That seems to be the first step in removing some pressure from you, the pressure of your father's expectations.

[Keneshiro]

@Keneshiro I am quite understand what you feel and why you have to take it off. It is terrible feeling when you just want to be obedient and end up dissapprointing despite "no one forced you to choose this way" (It might be bad time to ask but... do you interested in Path of Rin?) Your dad might blame you on his own fault that he never listen to your heart, which even you never spoke what you really want. It's still his fault trying to tells you how you should live.
I think you should not give a f*** about it and start finding what you love to do. If you can't find one you might take some credible personality test to discover yourself. You are a failure only if living under your father's word forever after is what you call success. So, in short. I telling you it is time to revolution. Down to the order you used to follow and start living in the your own live, your own heart. But do it under the law and morality.

P.S. Erm.. don't start any real revolution. It just a metaphor.

Keneshiro, I feel that the reason you're demotivated is because you're tired of following your father's desires. Don't sell yourself short. You're smart enough, and if you were motivated enough, you too would have passed. But the fact that you went to that university just to run away from your father sorta shows that actually, you dind't have any real motivation to go there in the first place. You ran away and kept on running. To be honest, I feel that you might have failed because you wanted to make a point to your father. You wanted to oppose him. You anted to do the opposite of what he wanted for you. That would be understandable from an emotional point of view, but not a very wise approach for your own future.

Not the important thing is: what do YOU really want to do? It's not because your father wants you to do X that you want to do X, but that also doesn't mean that you don't want to do X just because your father wants that. That would just be being contrary. Don't think about what your father wants. Think about what you really want, regardless of his desires. Maybe if you think well, you'll realize that you want to go medical school after all. Or maybe not.

And more importantly, talk to your father and tell him calmly but clearly what is bothering you so much. That seems to be the first step in removing some pressure from you, the pressure of your father's expectations.

Thanks guys for the motivation. I spoke to him about it. Kinda like a debate kinda discussion. He told me that he felt that it would be a shame if I wasted my potential. I kinda, sorta agree with him. I talked with him about it and I realised that being a doctor is the only job that sort of interests me. He said that if I became a doctor and later found out that being something else would make me happier, he wouldn't stand in my way. At least he's reasonable. He knows that over the past year, my mental state has been in limbo but now that I'm outta that hell hole, I'm feeling better. I'm applying to a local university which has a programme that allows me to return to the UK in the future. I promised myself that if I were to get in, I'll aim for the top, figuratively and literally. Edinburgh university is among the top 3 med schools. And, as a added bonus, it's in Scotland. Right now I just have to prepare my stuff and give it a go, I guess.

[Beoran]

Well Keneshiro, that's a step ahead, I think! I'm especially glad you talked to your father.

However, I'm still a bit worried when you say "being a doctor is the only job that sort of interests me", especially the "sort of interests me". I think you should find a way to make that "really interests me a lot". So think about all other options as well, and if you decide you do *really* want to be a doctor, then really become a doctor! Motivation, motivation and more motivation. Once you get that, you'll find the going will be getting much more easy.

And also, now that you'll be going to a local college, I think it's a good idea to try talk to your father more. Try to rebuild your relationship so you don't feel stress over it. I think that if you can find the thing you really want to do, you'll do fine. So go at it!

[Pseudogenesis]

It's good that you talked it out with your father, Keneshiro. I was hoping you wouldn't drop all a career path you enjoy out of sheer spite.



Speaking of college, I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna major in.

[OtakuNinja]

The feeling you get when you step inside the door after a long day at school and are met by your crying sister. When she tells you about her day and you can't hold back your own tears. When you hug her while silently cursing the people you once respected. When you nine hours later write about it on the Internet 'cause you can't hold back the feelings anymore.

[Total Destruction]

Good Lord, it's been a minute. Lotta storytime.

Good to see you back.

Hitting rock bottom SUCKS. Doesn't matter what the catalyst is that puts you there. It's the worst Goddamned thing in this world. But to paraphrase a psychologist-slash-drinking-buddy of mine who forced me to get off my melancholy ass and DO something: "The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

Heh, it sounds so stupid now, but that was the smartest damned thing at a time when I needed it badly.

Good to know you're doing better and have a support system. Even BETTER that you're doing things sans pills. Hey, some people DO need 'em (I once had this guy in a class who forgot to take them once and was trying to fight people that weren't even there), but if it can be done the old-fashioned way, we'll see what the hell. Hang in there.



@Xiious: If you die, I'm flying over to Canada and kicking your ass.

[Keneshiro]

It's good that you talked it out with your father, Keneshiro. I was hoping you wouldn't drop all a career path you enjoy out of sheer spite.



Speaking of college, I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna major in.

Well Keneshiro, that's a step ahead, I think! I'm especially glad you talked to your father.

However, I'm still a bit worried when you say "being a doctor is the only job that sort of interests me", especially the "sort of interests me". I think you should find a way to make that "really interests me a lot". So think about all other options as well, and if you decide you do *really* want to be a doctor, then really become a doctor! Motivation, motivation and more motivation. Once you get that, you'll find the going will be getting much more easy.

And also, now that you'll be going to a local college, I think it's a good idea to try talk to your father more. Try to rebuild your relationship so you don't feel stress over it. I think that if you can find the thing you really want to do, you'll do fine. So go at it!

Now that I think about it, that so-called 'talk' was mainly him nagging and/or using manipulative talk to guilt me into medicine. It was kinda because he kept mentioning that he couldn't work for long and etc etc when he knew that I placed family above all else. Back home and just sulking around and he has been nagging me CONSTANTLY about applying to other med schools as well. He's nuts. And he is driving me and my mum up the wall with the constant yelling, ordering, demanding and basically ranting. And everytime he looks through a med school with me (cause he is an idiot with the computer, constantly yelling since I read faster them him and try to point out info to him), he just sighs and shakes his head. YES i know I'm a failure and have disappointed your dreams and yada yada yada. I am aware of my failure and if he'd let me, I'd happily off myself just so I can get away from him. Sometimes I think I chose medicine so I could get him to shut the f up.