I walk out of the tea room, still not really knowing what to think. On the walk back to my dorm, I try my best to keep myself from thinking about Lilly again. As with every other such effort, I fail, even though I know doing so has yet to bring me any closer to an answer. My mind reached its saturation point on the subject days ago, and yet the input keeps on coming.
Maybe that's why I keep thinking along this mental Möbius strip. Every time I get some new piece of information, it's as though I have this need to plug it into the equation, and see if this time it leads me to a satisfying answer.
One of the pitfalls of being a scientist by nature, I suppose. You always check your hypothesis when new data comes in. Mutou would probably nod sagely in understanding.
The fact that Lilly considers our relationship over isn't really new information to me, though. What is new is my lack of reaction to its confirmation. What does it mean? Am I really at that point where I don't care anymore? Or am I just so overwhelmed that I don't have the capacity to feel anything about it anymore?
Inside, I fervently hope that it isn't the latter. Even the thought of it reminds me of how I was in the hospital, after Iwanako stopped coming back. If there is one state to which I never want to return, it's that one. The problem is that some of the similarities hit a bit close to home.
I've now had two girlfriends, and each of them walked away without really breaking up with me. Both times, what passed for the official end of the relationship came after the fact, once by letter, and once...well, by unintentional messenger.
When I received Iwanako's letter a few weeks ago, I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of the memory of it, because to me it meant she was washing her hands of me. Now, finding myself in nearly the same position with Lilly, I think that reaction might have been misplaced.
When Iwanako visited me in the hospital, as time went on, most of the time was spent in silence. In the meantime, I've realized that the silence was mostly because of me. Most likely, she had wanted to say something to me, but didn't know how to get past the defenses I'd put up. That letter might have been the only way she could bear to do it by that point.
I hadn't given her the chance. Just like I didn't give Lilly the chance to tell me anything last night.
I wish now that I'd saved Iwanako's letter. All I remember about it now is that it made me angry, because it opened an old wound. I'm coming to realize that maybe it was a wound that needed opening, so that it could heal properly. Maybe I could have at least felt better about what happened between us if I'd tried to acknowledge that.
Great. I've just given myself a second reason to kick myself.
This time, I had the good fortune of having some idea of what was about to happen ahead of time. Even then, I fell into the same trap, playing bystander while everything unfolded in front of me. At least now I can see the pattern, and maybe I can do something to stop it next time. At least Hanako had the good sense to get me going that night. Without her, I might be in even worse shape now.
At lunch, Hanako seemed like she had shaken off the effects of her attack. Resting yesterday must have helped, and the call from Lilly probably did, too. Much as I doubted it when it first came up, giving Hanako time and space really does seem to go a long way. At the same time, she knows how to get me talking when I need to. Maybe...we're actually starting to understand each other a little more.
When Hanako told me what Lilly had said, I know she wanted to give me the closure I needed to move forward. Talking to her is what made me understand how my feelings for Lilly had changed. If it had been anyone but Hanako, I might have thought there was some other reason why she wanted that.
If it had been anyone but Hanako...
Something about that thought seems...wrong. It's not the first time I've thought about Hanako that way, as someone who's too naïve to understand the implications of what she says or does. After the past few days, though, I can't believe that of her any more. She may not express what she's thinking as freely as other people, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have the same thoughts.
The last time it crossed my mind was at the last tea party we had in Lilly's room. Akira was teasing me about seeing Hanako in her nightgown, and she said something like "If it's Hisao, I don't mind." Akira almost seemed to get angry at this, but I had shrugged it off. Why should I assume Akira was the one misunderstanding Hanako's meaning, especially since she knew her better than I did at that point?
In this light, the change that's come over Hanako recently takes on a new meaning, too. I think about the way she's been so much more open with me lately, that I put down to her just improving socially. She's been smiling more than I remember, and reaching out to me both physically and emotionally.
...the night Lilly left, when we held each other...
Even when we were walking to the convenience store, I remember her holding onto my hand, and how nice that felt. I'd forgotten that because of her attack...but there was something more there, too. Hanako was picking out food so that she could make lunch for us...and I told her I couldn't come because I would be with Emi.
That was what made her anxious, wasn't it? How could I not have seen it? Hanako...likes me.
I can't deny the conclusion, because now that my eyes are apparently open, it's so obvious. I collapse onto my bed and stare at the ceiling as I try to add this to the tangle of feelings I already have.
That's the billion-yen question, isn't it? How WOULD I feel about it, if it were true?
Hanako and I have been friends almost since the day I started here. Up until now, that's all I've ever considered her to be. There's no doubt that Hanako's a wonderful person, and I enjoy the time we spend together.
But on the other hand...there's Emi.
I pick up a pillow, put it over my face, and let out a scream of frustration. Here I am, thinking about how I feel about someone who
probably likes me, when I can't even decide whether I'm ready to deal with someone who I
know likes me, and for whom I've been starting to develop feelings myself.
This is just a mess. I'm beginning to think I'd rather take another English exam than try to sort this out right now.
I shake my head to try and get myself thinking clearly, but it doesn't help. I'm not prepared for this now any more than I was yesterday. If anything, I think I might be less ready.
It's late afternoon, and I've got myself so worked up that I'm restless. I don't want to stay here, but after the last time I walked into town, I'm not even going to attempt that. I briefly consider taking the bus into the city, but given that I've only been there with Lilly I'd probably just end up getting lost. I decide to go for a walk around the school. I make sure to keep my pace slow and steady so I don't overexert myself and worry Emi tomorrow morning.
After walking around the dormitories and behind the main building for a bit, I find myself making my way toward the track. If nothing else, I know there's somewhere down there to sit and rest for a while before going back.
As the track comes into view, I stop for a moment. It's nearing sunset, and the view of the trees in the last golden rays of the day is quite nice. Just as I'm about to make my way down to the bleachers to sit, I hear a voice shouting from somewhere behind me.
"Hisao, if ye be even thinkin' about runnin', I'll keelhaul ye!"
I turn around to see Emi running toward me with a grin on her face. Even though I really hadn't wanted to see her right now, I muster a weak smile in return.
"Don't worry, captain," I reply as she comes up next to me. "I was just taking a walk to get...some air. What are you doing down here?"
"What do you
think I'm doing down here, Hisao?" Emi says, gesturing to her blades. "I'm here to get a run in before going home for dinner."
"Ah, right. Well, I hope you don't mind a spectator, then."
Emi grins. "As long as I don't distract you too much," she says with a laugh before going out onto the track.
As she starts her routine, I have to admit that she had a point. My eyes are just naturally drawn to her movements as she speeds around the track, and all other thoughts are soon banished from my mind. I almost get the sense that I'm watching a wild animal in her natural habitat. I smile at the thought, and notice that she seems to be running a little faster than I've seen in the mornings.
Probably just a trick of the fading light.
As Emi finishes her routine, she comes over to join me on the bleachers. She doesn't say anything at first, but I can see her watching me expectantly, her chin cupped in her hand. I look back in her direction and ask "Okay, what is it?"
Emi smiles. "I was just waiting to see if you were going to say something."
"About what?"
"Whatever it is that's on your mind."
I raise an eyebrow. "What makes you think I've got something on my mind, then?"
Emi winks. "I know that look, Hisao. You had it this morning, too, just not as bad. Besides, you always have something on your mind lately. Usually, I wind up dragging it out of you, so I figured this time I'd see if you'd say something yourself." She sighs, leaning back against the bleachers. "But, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, too."
I close my eyes and let out a long breath, shaking my head. "I've already dumped enough on you about this."
Emi rolls her eyes. "Hisao, don't you think I knew that's what was on your mind? If I wasn't willing to listen to you about it, I wouldn't be here talking to you."
I grin at Emi, saying "I thought you were going to let me decide if I wanted to tell you."
Emi sticks her tongue out at me. "You're the one who tricked it out of me, jerk." I laugh at this, and she punches me in the arm. "So
talk already!"
"Okay then," I say seriously, "you asked for it. I suppose I have you to blame for part of it anyway." Emi glares at me, and I quickly clarify, "It was just something you said the other day, about running. You said if you don't push yourself, you can't move forward. It got me to thinking maybe I could apply that to other things, too."
Emi smiles with a sly look in her eye. "I can think of a few things that could mean, Hisao."
I chuckle a bit. "That's not the part I'm worried about. Moving forward physically was never a problem with Lilly." I smile inwardly, remembering our discussion on the train. "Getting closer in other ways, on the other hand, became an issue. We both held back too much, and things went bad."
Emi's face looks a little strange, almost sad. "Yeah, but...this is...kinda old news, though, isn't it?"
"That part is, sure. But then I started thinking about...the other relationship I had." Emi's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and I tell her the whole story about Iwanako, my heart attack, my hospital stay, and finally the letter she sent. "The only two relationships I've had, and in both cases I feel like they fell apart because I didn't push myself enough. I just wanted to know what you thought."
After a long pause, Emi sighs and turns to look out at the track. "Hisao, I'm...probably not the right person to talk to about that. I've really only ever had one boyfriend myself, so you've got me beat." Now it's my turn to raise an eyebrow, and she smiles a bit. "Surprised to hear that, Hisao?"
"A little. I mean, I figured someone as outgoing as you..."
Emi nods, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I've heard that before,
and I've taken my share of hits from the rumor mill over it, too. But with all time I put into running, I really haven't had time for that kind of thing, you know?"
I guess that makes sense, but it leads me to realize something. "You were willing to make time for me, though," I say, feeling a bit of heat rising to my cheeks.
"That's true," Emi says with a wink, "but I thought you were the one who didn't want to talk about that."
You really make me want to...but you probably know that.
My blush deepens, and I think I catch a hint of a grin on her face before she turns away and says, "Okay, then...how did things go with Hanako yesterday?"
I wince, and Emi looks at me apologetically. "Sorry, sorry! I didn't know that was a touchy subject, too. Maybe I should just stop before the hole I'm digging reaches Africa."
For a moment, I seriously consider telling Emi my suspicions about how Hanako feels, but decide against it. That's something I really want to confirm before saying anything, and maybe not even then. Instead, I simply sigh, and my shoulders slump. "No, it's not your fault." I turn my head toward her. "That was actually the other reason for what I was thinking. Lilly called both of us yesterday, and she told Hanako that she considered our relationship over."
Emi scrunches up her lips. "Okay, didn't she know that already?"
I look down at the ground, and say in a small voice, "Well, technically, we never broke up. She just walked away from me, and I presumed the rest."
Emi glares at me. "So have you just been carrying a torch all this time, then? Waiting for her to suddenly fly back and say "Oh, Hisao, it was all a mistake! Please take me back!"?"
I look back at Emi. "No, I wasn't," I snap. "I was sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. I avoided my two best friends for a week, and then when Lilly called and tried to tell me it was over, I didn't even want to talk about it with her! Just like I did with Iwanako!" My voice continues to rise as I talk, and I get up from the bleachers. "I thought that was what I wanted, to just have my life go on the way it was, no variation, but that's not how life goes, is it?" I'm starting to pace along the bleachers now, just letting all of this flow out of me. "But it doesn't work that way! Just when you think you've got everything lined up, life gives you a kick in the teeth! But did I learn from that? I guess not, because there I was, about to do it all over again! Well, not this time! As of right now, no more standing still! It's time to start moving forward!"
My heart rate has picked up now, and for a second I get a little scared that I'm about to have an attack. I close my eyes as I sit back down and put my hand on my chest to check, but it seems all right. Then, I feel Emi's hand on my shoulder, and when I open my eyes, I see the worried look on her face.
"You okay, Hisao?"
"Yeah. Heart's fine, I think."
"Good," Emi says, her smile returning, "because I hope you meant what you just said." She pauses for a moment, moving a little so she can face me. "When you came to Yamaku, you were...kinda pathetic." She laughs a little. "At first, when I met you, I just wanted to make sure you had a friend, but as we spent time together I thought maybe it could be more than that. Once you started dating Lilly, I kinda gave up on the idea, because...well, she was more your speed at the time."
"That's an...interesting way of putting it, but I guess that's true."
Emi nods. "But then when you and Lilly broke up, you started to look like you were ready to speed up a little. You came out to run with me, which nobody else wanted to do. We were starting to have fun together again, but you still had this cloud over you. That little speech you just gave, that's what I've been hoping to hear from you since the first time we met. So I really, really hope you mean it." She looks me in the eye, saying, "Do you, Hisao? Are you ready to take life as it comes, instead of letting it go by around you?"
This time, I don't hesitate at all. "Yes. Yes I am."
Emi quickly moves in and wraps me in a fierce hug, which, after getting over my surprise, I return. "Welcome to being alive, Hisao."
After a long moment, which I'm not sure either of us really wanted to end, we break apart. Emi looks at me for a moment, her cheeks burning. "W-well, I should...go see the nurse." She bounces a couple of times on her blades before taking off for the auxiliary building at a run. "See you tomorrow, Hisao! Morning run, don't forget!"
I sit there dumbfounded for a moment, savoring the lingering warmth of Emi's body, and the faint smell of strawberries and sweat that suits her so perfectly. I stare at her swiftly retreating figure, and say under my breath, "Yeah. Wouldn't miss it."
~~~~
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Yep, finally. And I swear it's a coincidence that this is my longest chapter to date by word count. As always, feedback is welcome.
. The chapter has also been particularly troublesome to get right as far as structure / flow. It is now finally nearing completion, and I expect to have it up by tomorrow.
. However, I did wind up splitting Chapter 14/15 during the writing process as it lengthened. I wonder now if that may have something to do with why 15 felt it didn't turn out quite right at the time.
.