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Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 5:49 pm
by AntonSlavik020
I'm not the biggest fan of H-scene, so I just kinda quickly read through it, but this one seemed pretty decent, as far as these scenes go. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of these scenes in the first place, so take of that what you will. My only real thought on the chapter itself, oddly enough, was rather or not Kagami was on the pill or not, because I'm pretty sure they didn't use a condom.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 5:52 pm
by forgetmenot
AntonSlavik020 wrote:I'm not the biggest fan of H-scene, so I just kinda quickly read through it, but this one seemed pretty decent, as far as these scenes go. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of these scenes in the first place, so take of that what you will. My only real thought on the chapter itself, oddly enough, was rather or not Kagami was on the pill or not, because I'm pretty sure they didn't use a condom.
Rest assured, she is. From Act 2, Scene 16:
"Don't do that. I'd have to take you to Nurse, and then he'd have all sorts of questions about why we were together so late and drinking. It would be bad."
"Nah, he'd probably just try to shove condoms in your face," Kagami says flippantly. I almost gag on my spoon for a second time.
"No, he w-wouldn't... you really think he would?" I ask. I don't really know if Yamaku does much in the way of sex education.
In answer, Kagami scoots over to her dresser and pulls out a small black box from the drawer. "He practically stuffed these down my throat when he found out my ex and I were dating. They're probably past their expiration date, but I like to leave them in there so future me flips out every time she finds them again. Which was me, this morning." As if to further illustrate her point, she retrieves yet another post-it from inside the drawer and waves it around. I assume some sort of explanation about the prophylactics is written on it.
It seems like kind of a cruel joke to play on someone with memory loss, but I suppose if it's yourself... actually, I'm not sure what the protocol is for that. I suppose Kagami would be the most qualified to make that kind of decision. I give a small shrug.
"That seems... impractical. Why not just throw them away? Or get new ones?" I ask, trying not to be too forward. Just my curiosity getting the better of me, I suppose.
"Nah, condoms suck. I'm on the pill now. Have been for a while now," she says, winking. I can tell she's trying to make me uncomfortable, and it's working. I could swear this spoon is trying to jump down my throat.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 5:57 pm
by AntonSlavik020
forgetmenot wrote:AntonSlavik020 wrote:I'm not the biggest fan of H-scene, so I just kinda quickly read through it, but this one seemed pretty decent, as far as these scenes go. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of these scenes in the first place, so take of that what you will. My only real thought on the chapter itself, oddly enough, was rather or not Kagami was on the pill or not, because I'm pretty sure they didn't use a condom.
Rest assured, she is. From Act 2, Scene 16:
"Don't do that. I'd have to take you to Nurse, and then he'd have all sorts of questions about why we were together so late and drinking. It would be bad."
"Nah, he'd probably just try to shove condoms in your face," Kagami says flippantly. I almost gag on my spoon for a second time.
"No, he w-wouldn't... you really think he would?" I ask. I don't really know if Yamaku does much in the way of sex education.
In answer, Kagami scoots over to her dresser and pulls out a small black box from the drawer. "He practically stuffed these down my throat when he found out my ex and I were dating. They're probably past their expiration date, but I like to leave them in there so future me flips out every time she finds them again. Which was me, this morning." As if to further illustrate her point, she retrieves yet another post-it from inside the drawer and waves it around. I assume some sort of explanation about the prophylactics is written on it.
It seems like kind of a cruel joke to play on someone with memory loss, but I suppose if it's yourself... actually, I'm not sure what the protocol is for that. I suppose Kagami would be the most qualified to make that kind of decision. I give a small shrug.
"That seems... impractical. Why not just throw them away? Or get new ones?" I ask, trying not to be too forward. Just my curiosity getting the better of me, I suppose.
"Nah, condoms suck. I'm on the pill now. Have been for a while now," she says, winking. I can tell she's trying to make me uncomfortable, and it's working. I could swear this spoon is trying to jump down my throat.
O.K, gotcha. It's been a while since I read that, so I forgot. I figured that was the case.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 7:30 pm
by neio
I'll be honest. I thought this chapter was below par for your writing and for KS smut in general. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure why. To me, it felt disjointed and rushed.
Here are some assorted comments that I took down while reading.
My eyes grow wide as I realize the implication of her affection, causing me to break away for just a moment. Kagami's eyes grow wide with questioning.
Repetition
"No," she replies, barely using half a breath before moving her hands to the back of my head again, pulling me into a somehow deeper and more passionate kiss.
Shizune all over again?
passion
passionate
impassioned
passionate
Repetition
Now it's my turn to nod vigorously, which turns her expression towards more of a smile.
This just seems like an awkward sentence
extracting herself from me just slightly
Implies she's in him. Unless I missed the kinky part with the strapon, this is not the case.
This contributes to my already substantial feeling of relief.
This sentence has a different tone than the rest of the text. I read it as analytical and trying too hard, like a high school English essay.
Anyways, don't be discouraged. H-writing is an entirely different beast, and takes practice like anything else.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 7:53 pm
by bhtooefr
I'll readily admit that I don't have any experience in this department (and that's part of why I don't write H), but it felt like the foreplay was way, way too fast to me. From zero to blast-off that quickly?
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 8:14 pm
by dewelar
bhtooefr wrote:I'll readily admit that I don't have any experience in this department (and that's part of why I don't write H), but it felt like the foreplay was way, way too fast to me. From zero to blast-off that quickly?
Actually, that was one part I didn't have trouble with, but only because of the circumstances. Given the events of the last chapter, I picture Kagami feeling more than a hint of despair, and therefore going all in right off. It might not be particularly healthy, but it was something I could definitely picture happening.
What disappointed me a bit more was that at times it felt like Kagami was using Hisao to get off rather than it being an equal partnership. I'm thinking mostly of the "touch me" sequences, but there are a few other spots, too. Some of that is covered by Hisao's inexperience, but I think it could have used a little more attention from her side. Again, understandable under the circumstances, so I guess it's more disappointing from a character interaction standpoint than the actual writing.
Mainly, though, I agree fully with this:
neio wrote:Anyways, don't be discouraged. H-writing is an entirely different beast, and takes practice like anything else.
Full disclosure: I have never written an H-scene either, but am currently working on one for
Developments for...some point in the future (so, yeah, you read it here first, there WILL be at least one H-scene in the story). I fully expect it to get similarly picked apart
.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 9:01 pm
by forgetmenot
neio wrote:I'll be honest. I thought this chapter was below par for your writing and for KS smut in general. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure why. To me, it felt disjointed and rushed.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you it was
meant to be disjointed and rushed? I'm 100% serious. I couldn't imagine a sexual encounter between Hisao and Kagami being anything remotely close to healthy, especially considering what Kagami is going through. I guess it'll become more apparent in the next few chapters... but I'm open to criticism just the same.
neio wrote:edits
Duly noted. I'll make the necessary changes.
neio wrote:Anyways, don't be discouraged. H-writing is an entirely different beast, and takes practice like anything else.
Also duly noted. If there's any more H-content in the route, hopefully it'll be up to snuff, or at least better.
dewelar wrote:bhtooefr wrote:I'll readily admit that I don't have any experience in this department (and that's part of why I don't write H), but it felt like the foreplay was way, way too fast to me. From zero to blast-off that quickly?
Actually, that was one part I didn't have trouble with, but only because of the circumstances. Given the events of the last chapter, I picture Kagami feeling more than a hint of despair, and therefore going all in right off. It might not be particularly healthy, but it was something I could definitely picture happening.
Exactly. You'll notice Kagami is the one rushing things along the whole time, sometimes to Hisao's surprise/discomfort.
dewelar wrote:What disappointed me a bit more was that at times it felt like Kagami was using Hisao to get off rather than it being an equal partnership. I'm thinking mostly of the "touch me" sequences, but there are a few other spots, too. Some of that is covered by Hisao's inexperience, but I think it could have used a little more attention from her side. Again, understandable under the circumstances, so I guess it's more disappointing from a character interaction standpoint than the actual writing.
See, this is the feeling I was intending to convey. To an outside observer, something seems decidedly off about the circumstances. Hisao is blissfully unaware - I'd like to think alcohol and thinking with the "little head" may have something to do with that. But Kagami knows what she wants, and to an extent I suppose she knows how to get it. It's hard to write a scene where more is going on inside the non-narrator's head than the narrator's, to say the least.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I suppose. Hopefully this is just a minor speedbump on an otherwise smooth road.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 9:05 pm
by bhtooefr
So, basically, you were going for Comfort Kagami?
Hmm.
I'm just surprised Hisao got her off THAT quickly during the foreplay, that was my main complaint, for what it's worth.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 9:42 pm
by dewelar
forgetmenot wrote:I couldn't imagine a sexual encounter between Hisao and Kagami being anything remotely close to healthy, especially considering what Kagami is going through.
Yeah, that's the tricky bit, isn't it? Unless someone pulls a miracle out of their ass, this relationship is officially set up to fail in the long term.
"Oooooh, I HATE these stories!" - D. Matrix (paraphrased)
Did I mention torture?
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 11:17 pm
by AntonSlavik020
dewelar wrote:
Yeah, that's the tricky bit, isn't it? Unless someone pulls a miracle out of their ass, this relationship is officially set up to fail in the long term.
"Oooooh, I HATE these stories!" - D. Matrix (paraphrased)
Did I mention torture?
And honestly, that kinda scares me. I'm getting the same feeling. I can only enjoy happy endings(with very few exceptions), and when it comes to romantic relationships there are no exceptions. Especially after the anniversary special we got.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Fri May 09, 2014 1:27 am
by forgetmenot
bhtooefr wrote:So, basically, you were going for Comfort Kagami?
Hmm.
I'm just surprised Hisao got her off THAT quickly during the foreplay, that was my main complaint, for what it's worth.
There
are girls like that in the world, y'know. I used to date one of them.
AntonSlavik020 wrote:dewelar wrote:
Yeah, that's the tricky bit, isn't it? Unless someone pulls a miracle out of their ass, this relationship is officially set up to fail in the long term.
"Oooooh, I HATE these stories!" - D. Matrix (paraphrased)
Did I mention torture?
And honestly, that kinda scares me. I'm getting the same feeling. I can only enjoy happy endings(with very few exceptions), and when it comes to romantic relationships there are no exceptions. Especially after the anniversary special we got.
In true pseudo-route fashion, I can say nothing other than that I'm planning multiple endings. And at least one of them will be considered a "good" end. Consider this pseudocanon as of this point.
Also, I just want to say that the only reason I'd ever do anything bad to my characters is that I truly want to see them overcome it, or at least grow from it. Hisao and Kagami
can still be together. They
may have to go through hell and high water to get there, but they can still do it. But it wouldn't be realistic if all their problems just shoved off and were never heard from again, now would it?
I guess the inherent problems with writing a pseudo-route and releasing episodically are beginning to rear their ugly heads. All I can ask is that you stay with me and assure you that I have a plan that's not completely sadistic in nature.
As always, thanks for reading.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Fri May 09, 2014 1:44 am
by brythain
forgetmenot wrote:Also, I just want to say that the only reason I'd ever do anything bad to my characters is that I truly want to see them overcome it, or at least grow from it. Hisao and Kagami can still be together. They may have to go through hell and high water to get there, but they can still do it. But it wouldn't be realistic if all their problems just shoved off and were never heard from again, now would it?
I guess the inherent problems with writing a pseudo-route and releasing episodically are beginning to rear their ugly heads. All I can ask is that you stay with me and assure you that I have a plan that's not completely sadistic in nature.
As always, thanks for reading.
I've very much enjoyed your work here. It would be hypocritical of me to complain about the hell and high water bit, even if I wanted to, and I wouldn't ever do that. However, I do appreciate the 'not completely sadistic' part.
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Fri May 09, 2014 4:54 am
by Mirage_GSM
Compared to most other stories of this nature - here and elsewhere - this one wasn't half bad. And that's about the extent of praise you can expect from me for such stories.
I don't even think the way it happened was particularly unhealthy. Both have been in a relationship in all but name for some time now, and expecting a first time to be an equal, perfect experience for both parties is setting oneself up for disappointment anyway. If anything it went too smoothly
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 6:19 pm
by griffon8
forgetmenot wrote:In true pseudo-route fashion, I can say nothing other than that I'm planning multiple endings. And at least one of them will be considered a "good" end. Consider this pseudocanon as of this point.
This is the most disappointing thing you’ve said about your route. I’d prefer a story with one ending. Granted, if the only way to get a good ending is with multiple endings, I’ll take that over one ending that’s ‘Bad’.
And after all this, if I ever write a route, rest assured that there will be only one ending.
Not that such a thing is in the works.
But I’ve written some notes and already released the prologue, so who knows, maybe someday…
Re: Kagami Pseudo-Route [Updated 5/8]
Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 1:43 am
by forgetmenot
griffon8 wrote:forgetmenot wrote:In true pseudo-route fashion, I can say nothing other than that I'm planning multiple endings. And at least one of them will be considered a "good" end. Consider this pseudocanon as of this point.
This is the most disappointing thing you’ve said about your route. I’d prefer a story with one ending. Granted, if the only way to get a good ending is with multiple endings, I’ll take that over one ending that’s ‘Bad’.
And after all this, if I ever write a route, rest assured that there will be only one ending.
Not that such a thing is in the works.
But I’ve written some notes and already released the prologue, so who knows, maybe someday…
I understand where you're coming from. Initially I had set out to write this route with only one ending. And it was a happy one, mind you. However the more I progressed into it, the more I realized that there was two very different aspects of the story I wanted to tell. Neither of which would be congruent with the other. I suppose coming from the place the story is at right now, there's several divergent ways Hisao could choose to deal with Kagami, and I want to explore all of them. Just like Shizune, there will be things that are revealed during each ending that won't be obvious during the other.
So there's that, I suppose. If you want to read one ending over the other, I won't blame you. There's just too much story to tell that wouldn't fit with both a good and bad ending, I suppose.