I can find myself in every word of these sentences. I get pretty nervous inside when I say something to people except my close family so I have to pass it throught my mind a lot of times. What will they think of me if I say/do that? Will they feel uncomfortable/offended etc.? To be honest, I have been like this since I remember myself. And then I realized that I should let myself relax a little. I couldn't really make it happen, until I realized that there were people with whom I was more easily myself. and I have been hanging out with them. That doesn't mean that I am completely relaxed around them, but throught the years I have been fighting my nervousness and it worked to some degree.The thing is, I prefer it this way, when the hope is gone. How to explain... I suppose you could say that I would tend to feel nervous or anxious when I had to go to a gathering of people, or when meeting someone new, or so on and so forth. Just any sort of event that involves interacting with people when something about the whole thing is unfamiliar. Or even when there isn't something completely unfamiliar... Family events were unsettling, too.
I used to go anyway. You know, "well, it's probably healthier than just staying home alone" or "I don't want to look back on this and regret not doing it". I'd usually feel somewhat unsettled the whole time. It would always be stressful just because I'd worry to an insane degree on what people will think of me, I think?
And when I have the chance to go somewhere else than home, I almost always say yes, not because I know that I am going to have some great time, but because I want to experience as much as I can. Even when I am bored, I will give it a chance. It may be a big mistake, I may have the worst time of my life, but nobody can guarantee me that it's not going to be a great experience.
I also sometimes prefer being alone. well, most of the times when I can. In the school bus, I would avoid talking to the one sitting next to me, and I would just listen to music. I know this is not a great example, there are bigger ones but they need some explaining so I am kind of bored to mention them.
I enjoy being alone at some times, but I still say yes whenever I can to stop doing the same thing (sitting in my house for example; I can do that whenever I want anyway). However, if you think that you enjoy life better the way you live it now, and disliked other experiences, I think the answer is obvious: do whatever makes you happier. That is, in my opinion, the point of our lives. Even if the society does not accept your way of living/your actions, it's better to live the way you like your life, unless of course you disturb other people with the way you are living. Do you know what society would think about me if it learnt that I enjoy playing a game in which I date other girls or that I watch "cartoons"(anime)? I don't really care. This is how I like living my life. I don't disturb other people, so I will continue doing that. Similarly, if you enjoy being a loner more than socializing with other people, I don't find any reason you should change that.
@Beoran: kind of embarrassed to admit, but I had this wide smile in my face when you mentioned Lilly; she is mai waifu.
You are right, and believe me, I don't get offended easily so that wasn't harsh at all. Concerning the pleasure of receiving; I receive friendship, support, concern. I know that most of the people won't give me anything in return and I don't actually expect them to, that is not my point after all, but I am okay with the few people who will honestly help me when I need it. That best friend I had, she gave me the feeling that she would be there for me, and that every day we would enjoy ourselves. Well, we did. But the most important was that I felt she would always stand up for me like she always did, even though I would not really show it when I needed some support, and she would always see throught me and understand me. And that was more than enough. I may present myself as the white knight, but if there is anyone that sees throught me and understands that this is just an image, I can realize that this person is not like everyone else.
@Keneshiro: I already know how selfish and hypocrites people can be, but I give everyone a chanse. If you respect someone, they will respect you back. If not, they are not worth respected. And if I get fooled by someone I thought was a friend, well, I will move on. I am already kind of guarded around other people in my own ways, and, to be honest, being cynical is a trait of my true personality (as a result of growing up in the country I did). But I don't really like that, so I don't show it that much. i just keep it to myself.
