Re: After Graduation - A Shizune/Hisao story (post good rout
Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 3:39 pm
by Blackmambauk
Hi thought I post my review of this fic since I have now read all through the 23 chapters you have for it since last night.
It was nice to see another Hisao/Shizune fic on this site as there aren't many, which is a shame as Shizune route was my favourite of the game, as I liked the subtly of hers and Hisao's relationship on comparison to the other routes. As well as Shizune's whole character, drama with Misha and the fact much was left up to alternative characters interpretation in regards to her father, some events and other things as well. Not to mention how much hints and foreshadowing there was as the route went on.
As for your fic, it starts off a little bit slow (the first seven felt a bit repetitive in places, though some of your writing is repetitive at times with some words used quite a bit for some scenes) and Shizune was a little bit too ooc in the affection department, as one of Shizune's traits is that she isn't much of a romantic person, as well as the fact that overall from what I gathered in her route of not upsetting Misha with her relationship with Hisao. As well as her student council duties and her tenancy as Hisao rightfully points out to countermine events of her life, which was one of the reasons for her and Misha's problems later on in the route.
Now those issues have been resolved and you do explain in the later chapters why she was showing a lot of affection, some of it was written quite well, it's just there didn't seem to be much of a plot at first, though Shizune's route in general didn't have much of one anyway so that can be forgiven. I feel your sex scenes are written well enough and are totally in character for Hisao and Shizune. I really liked the scene where Hisao, Shizune and Misha cried and hugged each other in the Shanghai. Nice call-back to end of act three in her route, as well as showing how close their bond is, it made me tear up and rarely that ever happens in a fic with me. You also nicely refer to the route in other parts of your fic as well, which I liked quite a bit.
Also throughout your fic you have a lot of scenes that expand on how some of the characters feel and why some stuff didn't come up I the route, they were written well I felt and did more the subtly more obvious to some people, personally I liked the subtly as I mentioned before. As I feel sometimes the affection and use of the l word in your fic are a bit much, some relationships between people don't show that much affection, and don't need to sometimes less is more I say.
Emi's route is a great example of how affection doesn't always mean closeness considering the way Emi used kissing and sex to shut Hisao out of her issues. This isn't criticism on your part, just that I think Shizune's and Hisao relationship doesn't need for them to become so affectionate to the point it screws with what I felt worked in her route and changes things up too much in their dynamic. Of course everyone has their own view on this, and I think you write most of the fluff stuff between them quite well, I enjoy your fic quite a bit, especially the later chapters where they are quite funny, especially Hisao's parents whom might be the best version I have seen done so far in any KS fic. They are hilarious, I really hope you explore them more, not enough fic's go into Hisao's background much, leaving him feeling less fleshed out when compared to most of the girls, especially Shizune and Lilly who probably got the most background of all of the girls in the game.
Do you plan to say how they look as so far you haven't described their appearance, so it's hard to visual them with Hisao and Shizune. Since Hisao's dad at least has a name and I imagine we will see more of them as the fic goes on.
I also look forward to how you will do the events at Shizune's house, I hope you write Jigoro with balance, as while the guy is a jerk, it's very debateable how much of one he is, not to mention how much of what he said to Hisao in act three was true and how much of it was him possibly testing Hisao's worthiness of being with his daughter, as I imagine Jigoro would have very high standards for anyone his daughter gets with. Not to mention his later visit to her at the student council room shows the man is prepared to swallow his pride and that he does care about Shizune.
This fic is up there with weekends at Hisao, which is the other Shizune fic I love as it captured Shizune so well in that fic and did a decent job with not removing all the subtly become her and Hisao.
Anyway rambled on long enough, great fic I love it and will have to go through it again very soon. Hope you are able to finish this fic as your detail of writing is quite good.
Blackmambauk
Chapter 24
Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2015 11:08 pm
by sg1cat
My father quickly returns with our pizza, sparing me any further barbs from Shizune, who is still smirking at me with a smug expresssion after her last zinger. When the car door is opened, the smell of the meats, spices, cheese, crust and sauce waft into the car, drawing our attention away from each other and towards our dinner. Handing the box to my mother as he gets into the car, my father seats himself and closes the door.
As he buckles up, he starts the car while saying, "Sorry it took so long, there was a bit of a line."
"Oh, it's fine Hakuri," my mother tells him as he backs the car up and then starts to drive through the parking lot. "It wasn't that long."
Shizune signs to me while smiling, [That pizza smells amazing, I can't wait to try it. I hadn't even realized how hungry I am.]
I grin at her as I speak her words for my parents' sake, then reply, ["Yeah, I've noticed you tend to get so focused on what you're doing that little details like eating get neglected..."]
My girlfriend half glares at me as she fires back, [It's called having a work-ethic, sweetie.]
I chuckle as I relay her rebuttal, then answer in kind, ["It's called being obsessive-compulsive, dear."] She glares all the more, then I add, ["But don't worry, I love you anyway."]
Chortling silently, Shizune replies, [I think you love me because of it. You know you need a role-model.]
Rolling my eyes at her, I answer briskly, ["You're the one who needs a role-model."] She lifts an eyebrow at me and I pause, grinning all the more as I elaborate, ["you need to learn how to slow down and relax."]
Smirking, she answers cooly, [Well I certainly couldn't have picked a better choice than you for that, love.] I look at her sideways as she adds, [I've never met anyone as slow and lazy as you...]
My parent's laughter as I translate her latest swing at me knocks me off my game and I hesitate. My girlfriend takes this as an opporutnity to giggle silently at my expense, covering her mouth with her hand as her dark blue eyes twinkle in the passing streetlights while we near my parents' home. I sigh, giving up on trying to get the better of her tonight.
She watches me with a sparkling gaze when she sees me silently surrender. Reaching across the seat, her hand finds mine and folds around it. She squeezes lovingly, her eyes fixed upon mine. Sighing happily in spite of myself, I lace my fingers in with hers as I look back into her eyes and smile from ear to ear. Her lips curl into a happy smile in answer as she leans her head back against the seat, contented to just watch me in the passing street lights.
The last few minutes of the car ride are silent as my father turns off of the main road into a more suburban area. Soon enough, he's pulling into our short driveway, a strip of concrete that's barely long enough to hold our car. The minimal car park leads directly to our house, a very compact two-story abode that could probably fit inside of a quarter of Shizune's expanisve mansion with room to spare.
In spite of her insistence that her home isn't that big, Shizune looks shocked at the sight of my parents' humble abode, which is cheek-to-jowel with our neighbors' houses on the left and right. I always thought of it as cozy, but compared with Shizune's house, it now seems like a hovel. Watching my girlfriend's reaction, I see that she has a similar perspective. I suddenly can't help but feel self conscious about our small house. As my father puts the car in park, she glances over at me.
Her cheeks flush a bright pink at the look on my face and she looks thoroughly abashed. [Hisao, your home looks...very nice,] she hastily signs, but then falters, not knowing what else to say. To be quite honest, I'm not sure how to react either. Then my parents are opening up their doors and the dome light turns on, half blinding the both of us. The trunk pops open, obscuring the view through the back window with a flash of maroon. The sudden changes in the environment distract us from saying anything further on the matter. I glance at Shizune and try to smile at her, but it feels forced. By the look on her face, I'm not hiding my emotions very well.
Grabbing my phone, I open my door and step out. Shizune does the same, getting out quickly and glancing at me over the roof of the car with a worried look. I meet her gaze and try again to smile at her, but then my oblivious father claps me on the shoulder and says, "Come on, Hisao. Let's get the luggage. Shizune and your mother can take the pizza inside and set the table."
I look over at him in surprise, then glance back over to Shizune and quickly sign his message. Her anxious concern for my feelings is suddenly overshadowed by her distress at the proposed arrangement. I quickly realize that not having me around as an interpreter is leaving her feeling very insecure.
She raises her hands to protest, but then my mother touches her on the shoulder and smiles pleasantly. "Come on, dear," she tells my girlfriend, even though there's no chance of being heard, "Hisao and Hakuri will be along in just a few moments..." She beckons with her one hand while holding the pizza with the other.
Glancing back at me in a near panic, Shizune pleads silently as she closes the door and my mother starts to walk off. I hesitate, opening my mouth to say something to my mother when suddenly my father calls from behind the car, "Hisao, could you please help me with these bags?" His voice has an edge of irritation in it, the car bouncing just a little as he wrestles with pulling out the luggage, most of which is Shizune's.
Looking back at my girlfriend across the roof of the car, I shrug helplessly. My mother calls out to Shizune again and I glance over at her, then back at Shizune with an expectant look. Her shoulders slump as she glances back at my mother, then at me again. I smile encouragingly at her and after a moment's hestitation, she smiles faintly and nods, walking over to my mother to follow behind her towards our front door.
I watch her leave for just a moment, then hustle back behind the car. "Dad," I start to complain as I reach in to help him pull out one of Shizune's larger bags, "Why'd you separate us?"
He glances over at me with a confused look as we set the large bag down and I fish out another one to add to the pile he already started. "What's the problem, son?" he asks, genuinely confused.
With a sigh, I try and answer without sounding condescending. "Dad, without me, she has no idea what you or Mom are saying..."
The man furrows his brow as he grabs another bag, glancing back at me as he does. "Well...she can read lips, can't she?" I answer him with an incredulous look. "I mean...she went to Yamaku, didn't they teach her how to do that?"
I'm about to answer that of course she can't, when it suddenly occurs to me that for all I know, she can. Shizune has never mentioned it before, and I never asked. I just assumed she couldn't. Still, I'm somewhat galled that my father just assumed that she'd be okay.
"I don't know," I answer truthfully. An awkward silence settles between us for a few moments while we pull all of the luggage out of the trunk. As we close the trunk and gather up the luggage to go inside, my father speaks.
"Well, let's get these bags inside and join the ladies. Then it won't matter," he reasons with a slightly gruff tone. Thought I don't say anything about it, I agree with him. Gathering up my share of the bags I hurry to the door, opening it to allow my father through first. Wrestling with my load, I close the door behind us.
As we remove our shoes, I'm about to abandon my share of the bags in the foyer and rush into the kitchen, when my father makes his way to the stairs. Quietly I sigh, following him with my portion of the luggage. With some difficulty, we make our way up to the second floor. In hindsight, we probably should have taken two trips, but both of us are kind of stubborn that way.
When we get to the second floor, Dad walks over to the only guest bedroom, the doorway to which is right next to mine. He turns on the light and glances over his shoulder at me with a knowing smirk. I avert my gaze, unable to keep myself from blushing. His discerning chuckle only makes my cheeks flush a deeper red. We deposit Shizune's share of the baggage. I take my portion and am about to head to my room, when my father puts his hand on my arm.
"Now son," he starts to say, and immediately I feel the awkwardness set in. "I wasn't kidding at the train station." I furrow my brow as I force myself to look back and watch him, though it's a challenge. "We're not going to try and keep you two apart, if after we go to bed you two decide you want to, uhm..."
Don't say it Dad. Just stop talking. You really need to stop talking.
"If you decide you two don't want to uh, sleep in separate rooms."
You said it. I can't believe you said it. Why did you have to say it?
"The only thing I ask is," he goes on to say.
Oh no. Stop talking, Dad. Just stop...
"I assume you two have been...uh,"
Dad, don't go there...the last thing you said was bad enough...
"I assume you two have been taking necessary...uh, precautions?"
He's asking me. He's actually asking me. I can't help but sigh. I furrow my brow at him in frustration, drawing in a breath to rebuke him for his question. How irresponsible does he think we are? Of course we've...
We've...
I look down as suddenly it occurs to me. Shizune and I have had sex three times now, and not once did I wear a condom.
Suddenly I find myself wondering - is Shizune on the pill?
First he gets me wondering about whether Shizune can read lips, and now I'm worried that maybe I've knocked up my girlfriend already. Of course, I'm not nearly as concerned about the lipreading as I am about getting Shizune pregnant. Still, both weigh upon my mind.
I glance back at my father and it's obvious that I can't give him a good answer.
With a heavy sigh, he covers his eyes with his hand and rubs them. "Son," he says, "never mind. Don't answer that question..." Rubbing his hand down his face, he looks at me wearily, just like he did when I had driven the family car into a street post. "Just...promise me that before you two..."
Oh God, don't say it, Dad....
"Before you two, uh...spend, uhm...any more, uh, quality time together..." I shift uncomfortably as he tries to be discrete. His efforts are not working. While I try to keep my face placid, it's clear that he can see how I'm cringing inside.
"Look, just make sure you two are being responsible before the next time you decide to..."
Suddenly my mother's voice calls out from downstairs. "Haruki? Hisao?"
We both mercifully look away to glance out the door to the hallway that leads to the stairs going down. My mother calls again, "Dinner's on the table, what's taking you two so long?"
My father and I look back at each other. It's obvious he wants to be done with this converation as much as I do. But he's not moving. He's waiting for me to say something.
Drawing in a deep breath while trying to keep the discomfort off my face and out of my voice, I try to answer him. "Don't worry, Dad, I'll..." Suddenly I realize how difficult it was for my father to say as much as he did. Likewise, by the look on my father's face, he understands how painful listening can be.
Clearing my throat, I say, "I'll make sure Shizune and I..." Crap, how to say it?
"I'll make sure we don't do anything stupid," I say, figuring that about covers everything. The relief on my father's face makes it clear I chose my words well.
Nodding and looking relieved that this conversation is over, my father smiles weakly at me. "Good," he says, giving me an awkward pat on the shoulder. God, I thought we were done with this. "I know you'll, uh...do the right thing," he says, struggling to make eye contact with me. "I'm, uh...glad we had this...talk." Okay, Dad, stop talking.
"Haruki? Hisao?" my mother calls from downstairs with an increasingly annoyed voice.
"Yeah, me too, Dad," tell him in a rather unconvincing voice. it's obivous he doesn't buy it, but it's equally clear he doesn't care, either.
"Let's go get dinner, son," he says as he walks hurriedly out of the bedroom, obviously eager to put as much distance as he can between him and one of those conversations that fathers and sons never want to have. I quickly drop my bags in my room and then follow him down the stairs.
The smell of pizza greets us as we head towarrds the kitchen, but I'm not sure I have an appetite anymore.
How am I ever going to bring this up with Shizune?
