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@Nyzer: I can't believe how much I can relate to you. My whole life was about helping others, and after some thinking I realized that I did that because it made me happy. So I help people because making them happy makes me happy, no matter how fucked up that is. This is how I was thinking and acting from when I remember myself and I never tried to change that. Even when helping other people was inconveniencing me. I always thought: I do what I want other people to do to me. and after all, if I can do something to help someone why not?

The being used part? I've come to terms with that since some years ago. I never really got mad about that, maybe a little angry sometimes, but it didn't last. It's natural, I don't care anymore about being used by people I respect or care about. As long as I am not being hurt, it's fine with me. And I avoid people that I don't want to really associate to because I know that I am going to help them at something at one point. Pretty much messed up. Oh, I don't help others willingly only when I have a reason to disrespect them.

Wow, I never thought I would talk about that in a forum but your reply prompted me. Well, you see, when you said

one sort-of friendship that was confusing to me on many levels at the time, and I see in hindsight as being, I don't know, pity?

it actually reminded me about myself two months ago, when I had to face something I knew but did not want to think about: My "best friend" was actually thinking of me as a nice friend, but did not tell me clearly because she pitied me. She knew that I would get hurt if she told me so she decided to keep it to herself. The worst part was that i knew it, I could understand it from her actions every day and when I would try to prompt her to "show" me that she considered me her best friend; she almost never did. At some point yeah, we were best friends but later she found other people with whom she matched better. And then it became just unbearable. One day I couldn't hold it in, I just showed that I was kind of frustrated (never shouted or accused her of anything) to see what would she do about it. I texted her later that I was sorry but I expected her to show at least that she cared about me. And then she told me that I did not know her that well and that she was not worth having me as her best friend and that I deserved better and that stuff. I felt that this message broke me down. Well i had other friends as well but she was the person I cared about the most. I still do and we are still friends, still hanging out together and having maintained our bond.

And then I realized that I had other friends that could be considered true friends; the ones you like to be around with, and you know that they will support you, they will hear you out and give you advice and that you can trust them. From this whole story, I realized that I gave her too much in this friendship. And even though in my mind I sometimes shout at her everything that I have kept inside for so long, I don't think I could tell her in person. You know why? Because she is such a nice person after all, and because, as I pointed out before, I am happy by making other people happy. Making her sad would have the same impact on me. So why do that?

Anyway, yes there are too many people that are going to use you if you stay the way you are but if you change, it's not going to be you anymore. What's the point then? And if helping others is natural for you, don't stop it or accuse it for making you unhappy or anything. Just try to stay away from people you think they don't deserve your help.

And don't forget: everyone has flaws, you just have to find a person whose flaws don't make a real difference to you, and you can get on pretty well. Except if you have extremelly different opinions about stuff that matters. Just don't lose your hope, that's what really matters. Even if you don't are into friendships anymore, don't try to eliminate everyone and stay away deliberately from them. Otherwise you will end up like Emi.

@ Erenussocrates: you think that you are boring compared to her, but don't forget, it is your own opinion. Her definition of being boring probably differs from yours so don't think that she thinks the same way you think. If you are boring or not to her, that is her decision to make.

rosemarie-chan wrote: @ Erenussocrates: you think that you are boring compared to her, but don't forget, it is your own opinion. Her definition of being boring probably differs from yours so don't think that she thinks the same way you think. If you are boring or not to her, that is her decision to make.

Thanks for your wise and comforting words, I appreciate it. Being helpful sure is a virtue.

Pseudogenesis wrote:


I don't appreciate you stealing my job.

You are late. You better resign now.

Pseudogenesis wrote:

Xanatos wrote:

Erenussocrates wrote:I AM worthy, just might not be as worthy as her. She looks like she sees me her friend already. One can easily be over-confident while trying to be self-confident. That's why I don't tell the stories of my succession about any matter.

English tip: "Succession" doesn't work there. You want "success". "Succession" relates to sequences. (I.E. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 <----A succession of numbers.)

Anyway, it couldn't hurt to go for her. Well...It could but try it anyway if you want it. "What if?" is a really shitty question to have to live with.

I don't appreciate you stealing my job.

It's not stealing. It's non-consensual acquirement of employment.

Well, I think there is, Mr. Helbereth. You cannot put an engineer man and a streetcleaner man on the same scales, could you?

I can.

One of the nicest, friendliest, most willing to help you out-est guys I ever knew was a homeless man. Picture Jim Varney as Ernest except smarter and without a place to live. He's the kind of guy that was always smiling and would be willing to do anything to help somebody out. All he asked in return was the occasional meal, a few bucks to buy something to drink, and maybe letting him crash in your garage for a night or two.

I've known people with a hell of a lot more money and skill than that, and he's still one of the nicest guys I ever met.

He also added "Two" to my name when he talked to me. I never did figure out what that was about.

But if she would have declined my proposal, it would be ever so creepy. I suspect that she would give up hanging out with me, seeing me as the "stalker" from then on. And I love her company.

Having somebody say "I'm sorry, I don't like you," hurts for a little while, but not ever finding out is something that doesn't go away.

For once, I've actually got something to write in this thread.

As some of you know, my childhood crush contacted me a week ago, and we've met a few times after that. (You can read about it in this thread. This page and on the next page.)
Anyways, last night I asked her out, in a non romantic way. Somehow, my parents discovered this and they were teasing me a lot, like parents usually do. Then they took the bus to the city, since there was a festival going on. So far, so good.
I'd read about a meteor shower earlier, so me and my friend went to the sports center's large soccer fields. We spent the evening there, about 2 hours, watching the falling stars. We both had warm clothes, but unfortunately/fortunately it wasn't enough to keep the cold out. Inch by inch, we moved closer to each other, until we lay close together. It helped, since the rest of the evening was comfortably warm. (Reminded me a bit of the school festival with Rin.)
Shortly before midnight, we agreed on that it was too cold to be out, and that there probably wouldn't be more falling stars this evening. We went to her house, and I borrowed some Japanese horror movies. Both of us were tired, or else I would've invited her to my house. My family knew that I might do that.
Half a minute after I left her house, I got this text from my sister: "Don't bring her home with you. Mom and dad are drunk*. I just put them to sleep."

That's when my heart broke. Thoughts like; "What?!", "How could they???, and simply "Why? " came flooding to me. Seriously, they knew about the possibility of me having a very important girl at home, and still they got home drunk.
When I got home, my sister was waiting for me in the hallway. We talked for a while, and I learned that my mother was unable to talk when she got home, my dad had made several attempts to walk into a wall, and they'd lost a credit card somewhere in the city. Great. Fucking great.
No child should ever have to clean up after their parents when they'd had too much to drink. I still stand by my decision to be a teetotaler. Nothing good ever comes with alcohol.


*In Swedish there is a term called "aspackad", which my sister used. Since there is no English term serious enough to describe it, I simply used "drunk" when translating.

OtakuNinja wrote:For once, I've actually got something to write in this thread. :(

As some of you know, my childhood crush contacted me a week ago, and we've met a few times after that. (You can read about it in this thread. This page and on the next page.)
Anyways, last night I asked her out, in a non romantic way. Somehow, my parents discovered this and they were teasing me a lot, like parents usually do. :roll: Then they took the bus to the city, since there was a festival going on. So far, so good.
I'd read about a meteor shower earlier, so me and my friend went to the sports center's large soccer fields. We spent the evening there, about 2 hours, watching the falling stars. We both had warm clothes, but unfortunately/fortunately it wasn't enough to keep the cold out. ;) Inch by inch, we moved closer to each other, until we lay close together. It helped, since the rest of the evening was comfortably warm. :) (Reminded me a bit of the school festival with Rin.)
Shortly before midnight, we agreed on that it was too cold to be out, and that there probably wouldn't be more falling stars this evening. We went to her house, and I borrowed some Japanese horror movies. Both of us were tired, or else I would've invited her to my house. My family knew that I might do that.
Half a minute after I left her house, I got this text from my sister: "Don't bring her home with you. Mom and dad are drunk*. I just put them to sleep."

That's when my heart broke. Thoughts like; "What?!", "How could they???, and simply "Why? :cry: " came flooding to me. Seriously, they knew about the possibility of me having a very important girl at home, and still they got home drunk.
When I got home, my sister was waiting for me in the hallway. We talked for a while, and I learned that my mother was unable to talk when she got home, my dad had made several attempts to walk into a wall, and they'd lost a credit card somewhere in the city. Great. Fucking great.
No child should ever have to clean up after their parents when they'd had too much to drink. I still stand by my decision to be a teetotaler. Nothing good ever comes with alcohol.


*In Swedish there is a term called "aspackad", which my sister used. Since there is no English term serious enough to describe it, I simply used "drunk" when translating.

Well that's unfortunate but not too bad. Your evening with your friend wasn't affected in the slightest. And I do agree with your decision to abstain from alcohol too. I've seen too many of my relatives stumbling-vomiting-sobbing drunk to have any desire to try it.

*In Swedish there is a term called "aspackad", which my sister used. Since there is no English term serious enough to describe it, I simply used "drunk" when translating.

Would "dead assed drunk" or "totally Shit-faced" work?

Oddball wrote:

*In Swedish there is a term called "aspackad", which my sister used. Since there is no English term serious enough to describe it, I simply used "drunk" when translating.

Would "dead assed drunk" or "totally Shit-faced" work?

Perhaps. We're talking about people who barely recognize their family members and needs help doing just about everything.

OtakuNinja wrote:

Oddball wrote:

*In Swedish there is a term called "aspackad", which my sister used. Since there is no English term serious enough to describe it, I simply used "drunk" when translating.

Would "dead assed drunk" or "totally Shit-faced" work?

Perhaps. We're talking about people who barely recognize their family members and needs help doing just about everything.

so about on the verge of alcohol poisoning

Almost, yeah.

Nyzer wrote: I've gone out of my way to help people a lot in my life, and it's become second nature to me. Even doing something as simple as getting the door for people when I go to a convenience store, restaurant, or anything else - if someone's coming on the other side of the door, or if someone's behind/beside me, I'll tend to step forward and get it just for the sake of holding it open. There are other things as well - offering coworkers a ride if they need one, sharing from my stockpile of snacks (I buy bulk cases of random snack food from Costco for breaks at work and store them in my car, because why not), trying to offer advice or solve problems when the situation wouldn't otherwise concern me...

You know, you'd fit right in with the British. The 'polite, hold doors open' part is kinda the social norm. Besides, girls love a british accent. Or at least that's what I seem to get from US shows.

@OtakuNinja At least your date went well with your, uh, date?

rosemarie-chan wrote:@Nyzer: I can't believe how much I can relate to you. My whole life was about helping others, and after some thinking I realized that I did that because it made me happy. So I help people because making them happy makes me happy, no matter how fucked up that is.

Hmm. Yeah, there's a lot of that, if not perhaps quite so strongly. I do have a sort of compulsion to try and get people to laugh, though, and I laugh more freely when someone else does.

Making her sad would have the same impact on me. So why do that?

Heh. I... usually feel guilty if I upset someone by accident. Though there are exceptions. I think there was one point during the dark days when I accidentally hit a co-worker with a box; didn't realize she was there until she yelped when she got hit. This was a co-worker who'd called me a "little man" (foot taller than her, and certainly more bulky than her) because when I found a woman's cell phone (it was pink) I asked if it was hers - she was closest - and intended to bring it up front to ask the other girl if it was hers. She took the phone from me and headed up front herself. Up front, where I was working, to talk to the woman I needed to talk to about something else anyway. So when I called the other woman's name, the first woman flipped out on me, something about how I didn't need to follow her up there. After she'd been hit by the box those days later, I sort of tried to apologize, but it froze on my tongue, because I was too deep into the sharpest of the depression to really give a flip about someone like that. She called me an ass and stalked off.

Just don't lose your hope, that's what really matters. Even if you don't are into friendships anymore, don't try to eliminate everyone and stay away deliberately from them.

The thing is, I prefer it this way, when the hope is gone. How to explain... I suppose you could say that I would tend to feel nervous or anxious when I had to go to a gathering of people, or when meeting someone new, or so on and so forth. Just any sort of event that involves interacting with people when something about the whole thing is unfamiliar. Or even when there isn't something completely unfamiliar... Family events were unsettling, too.
I used to go anyway. You know, "well, it's probably healthier than just staying home alone" or "I don't want to look back on this and regret not doing it". I'd usually feel somewhat unsettled the whole time. It would always be stressful just because I'd worry to an insane degree on what people will think of me, I think?
The way things are now, there's no pressure to go do these sorts of things. No worry. Because there's no chance I'd go; I have nothing to gain and I will not enjoy the experience. It's not just a little voice in my head saying these things, it's the logical (and usually dominant) voice telling me that there is no point.

While I still joke with co-workers at work, can talk competently when a woman approaches me to ask me questions about my raspberry-flavored ice cappuccino that I'd ordered just a moment ago in the line at Tim Horton's (that was actually today's lunchtime experience)... the idea of interacting with people on a personal basis is not something I will do. Wouldn't want to hang out with any of my co-workers, or any of the people on this forum, or anything, for example.

There's still a part of me that would want strong, real life friendships. Would want to find a true love. But it's such a small part, and the rest of my fragmented mind would prefer it if I could kill that part for good. For now, though, I settle with the fact that that small part is beaten and broken enough that it cannot achieve dominance in my head.

I am more stable, I am more assured, I am worlds calmer, without that hope. That's probably not the best thing for most people, but for me? It's like being under the blankets in your bed on a dark night. Warm, comfortable, calm, and quiet.

Otherwise you will end up like Emi.

Hmm. I doubt that... she was confronted with the idea of mortality one time (a bit earlier than usual, but still) and decided that she wasn't going to grow emotionally close to anyone as a result. Then she drew in not one, but two guys with not-mixed signals, and after confessing that she wouldn't let herself grow close, then started using the mixed signals.

I don't think I could maintain that level of refusal. I've only got the one barrier up around my heart. I don't have what it takes to draw someone in like that, but to then stop their progression of importance at that point. That's why the one barrier is so strong.

We're talking about people who barely recognize their family members and needs help doing just about everything.

Ugh. I've never had to deal with any of my family members being drunk. I know that my parents do drink at times, but they've never been shit-faced that I've ever been able to see. Or even mildly slurring their words. My sister and I are total teetotalers. Neither of us has ever done drinking, smoking, or drugs of any kind. Unless you count getting high on Advil. I've done that once by mistake and once deliberately, because I was an idiot about it.
I've never figured out what the purpose of doing that is. How do people manage to make so much of their lives revolve around a chemical in a bottle?

You know, you'd fit right in with the British. The 'polite, hold doors open' part is kinda the social norm. Besides, girls love a british accent. Or at least that's what I seem to get from US shows.

No good. The Canadian accent for most of the provinces is the same as the American one. Plus, I'm nowhere near open to the idea of dating anyone.

Exbando, there's nothing much to be nervous about I think, since it's clear there's no chance that she will have a crush on you. Also, I think it won't endanger your friendship, as long as you tel her in a non-threatening way. someting like "I had a crush on you for six years but now I want to get over it and just be friends", or so. So I hope it works out. Next, move on, go looking for another girl. Maybe go out a bit more too?

OtakuNinja, well it kinda sucks that you couldn't bring the girl home with you, but you have a lovely evening together, right? Keep it up, who knows what might happen between you and the girl. I could feel some romance there... Your parents might be getting drunk (I hope it's not too often?) but they do seem to be encouraging you, which is nice, I think.

Erenussocrates, it's not you who determines your worth to her. She is the judge of that. And if she judges you worthy of her love, then you'll have to man up and (if you wish so, but it seems you do) answer her feelings, and make sure to make her happy. My wife is also from another country than me, so that and other languages are no problem in themselves. Keep contacting her, and if you feel she actually likes you, go there again, (maybe in the winter holiday) and try to make her your girlfriend. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Seeing she' seems at least interested, I'd say you have a fighting chance.

Rosmarie-chan, you sound like a very helpful person, and that's admirable. However, I'd say that you have to remember that your life is yours to enjoy. You know the pleasure of giving, but I think it's time you also discovered the pleasure of receiving. Perhaps you are a bit like Lilly, who is so preoccupied with helping others that she forgets to take care of her own needs. Whether in love or friendship, you need to find someone who also takes care of you and your needs, someone who also helps you. Otherwise, the relationship will end up being unpleasant for both of you. You will feel you lack something, and the other will feel they cannot give to you. Letting other people give to you mans they too can feel the joy of giving. To make along story it short, I'm worried you might be a bit too much of a white knight/princess. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Rosmarie-chan, I'm not asking you to not help people because the world needs more people like that, but PLEASE be careful. I'm no street-smart guy and have suffered as a direct result of it so I've become guarded around people, and subsequently becoming rather cynical, and I'd hate if something like that were to happen to anyone

Thanks, everyone. It's not often it happens, but it's still hard to deal with.