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If you had a destination and a purpose in mind, that would be a fairly good idea. But if not... probably best to plan it out a bit more first.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Trying to get a couple of freelance jobs in since money is really tight right now, but so far no responses. I need to find some better spots to dig for work.

Ok...*pant*...I'm all caught up now...*pant*

I don't have any responses to anyone's stories because everything has already been said.

As for how I'm doing right now...Well, I've only left my house to either go to work or to get some fast food for a while. Usually I'll go to a friend's house and hang out at least twice a week, but I just haven't been up to it. The only thing I've been doing is watching Naruto (yeah, yeah). I'm all caught up though.

About a month ago, I finally got to hang out with the girl that I've had a crush on for 6 years (I made a post about it somewhere, but I don't feel like digging it up right now). My intention was to tell her about my feelings, even though she has a boyfriend. Of course, nerves got the best of me, and I didn't say anything on that subject. We were just talking about our times in elementary and middle school, what we are doing now, etc. In retrospect, I probably talked too much, which is really unlike me. She said that we should hang out again before she went back to school, but I think she's already left for RA training (the school's only an hour away, but gas ain't cheap, yo). I have tried to call and text her, but I only got one vague reply. I don't want to wait until she comes back to tell her, that just gives me too much time to think about it. I want to tell her just so I can (hopefully) be able to move on (It probably doesn't help that she's pretty much the only female that I could consider my friend).

I think that's enough rambling for now. Sorry if this just seems like whining or something.

Well, I'd like to share some of my thoughts and emotions about my latest summer vacation here.

Where should I begin? I remember the summer of last year as well. We visited aunt's place as they were dealing with her mother who has alzheimer's. We observed that aunt has hired a foreigner woman to babysit her mother (because she is, well, not very capable of pretty much anything and she's not responsible as well)
And we also observed that the babysitter woman has brought along her daughter as well. Wait, her daughter? She wouldn't show up much at living room so I didn't expect that. She seems.. pretty... She was either same with my age or a year younger than me. But I didn't give much shit because I knew that since I was hopeless about the girls in my own country, I would have zero chance about having a relationship with a foreign girl who can't even talk our language. Also she doesn't count as a professional english speaker though. I know, thinking like this is very stupid in the first place. Well, at least I do know english..

At one particular night, when we visited aunt's again, she showed up with wooden tiles in her arms and asked to play a board game (which is a special board game to our country). It was totally creepy if you would ask me right that moment. Me, my female cousin and her. We were playing a board game without uttering a single chatter around that table. I felt really nervous. Then suddenly, crazy screams coming from above boomed in the silent night. We played while listening to screams of the drunken and wasted neighbour staying in top floor. At least this broke the nervous atmosphere there, because we started laughing and impersonating him while playing. We had a single common topic of entertainment there, and nothing else. Then she asked going out and wandering along the beach. (well, it's not a going out, it's not a date though) I thought that the night was getting better and better. From that day on, we three of us started wandering around when it's night. We didn't have much to talk about, as she wouldn't even understand the word "bored" lol. Anyways, we got plenty of stuff to talk about in the period of time we stayed in that seaside town.
She was intelligent, smart, kind and passionate. She was interested in music, just like me. She was into politics, and she was studying law. She knew a lot. She's way better than me (or at least that's what I perceive with all those feelings) I knew that she was seeing me as her friend. I know that she is seeing me as her friend. And I have none objection on that, none at all. I can only be happy.
On that particular day when only two of us went to a well-known beach, she had told me about her past, she let me listen to her records and stuff, and she told me about her dead boyfriend. Telling how she dedicates most of the songs she makes to him. I knew that moment that I was not worthy of her, not worthy at all. I was just stunned and shut up and lied on my sunbed, and got a terrible burn on my legs in the end. Plus, she was surrounded with people already, popular gentlemen and ladies, guys who are way better than me. And she seems to have a way brighter future than me as well. She's already enrolled in the best univercity in her country and she's studying law, while I strive to enroll programming right now.
She was the first female that I drank with. We did lots of things, and we had many good memories.

So, we went to same place this summer as well. I had her facebook, but we were not communicating much throughout time. She gave an enthusiastic greeting when we arrived. We stayed there for five days, also she had a job as waitress at a local hotel temporarily. We couldn't meet and spend time together much, as she was working from 8 a.m to 12 p.m, two hours break inbetween. The vacation felt quite hollow without her. I damned it all and went to the hotel she was working at and told her that I came to a visit. We sat at the bar and talked. She would be very tired when she got off the work at night, following days I tried inviting her a few times and she told that if she manages to get off early she would come along. But she just couldn't come. The last day of our vacation, she informed me that she will try and take a few hours early that night. And so, with the help of the aunt, we took her and had a nice dinner at aunt's. Then we went outside just like the old days. We went to the exact same bar we went to drink last year (where she made a good show of her wide array of languages, though every one of them are as novice as her english probably, lol) , we talked about last year and memories while drinking and watching javelin olympics. And that Sting song started playing at the bar. There was a billiard board. I invited her for a game. She accepted. Also we've played together against a overly-bragging prick last year and won though. I don't know if it's the effect of adrenaline, alcohol, mysterious works of love hormones or something, but I started playing like pro that night despite I suck at it normally. She still won overall 2-1 though. Despite she claims that she lost because of some sort of stupid game rule, well I don't care though. I really didn't play the game to win. Not against her. She asked my phone number and we called it a day, departing.
It's been a couple days since we came back from vacation. She text messages me everyday, out of boredom I guess. We don't write much, she asks me how I am and I respond, adding some useless shit for a hope to push the conversation forward.

So that's only one of the hopeless one sided love stories of my life, and I'm sure that the more will come. As my heart is like a first-class whore, I could fall in love with pretty much every other girl who looks good, who is kind and who is not as stupid as most of the average female individuals in my country I've seen so far.

Well, I guess that's it. I just wanted to post this here while my emotions are still fresh. The thing is, I really like her, and I'm sure that she do not. And there's no way for a kind of relationship that I would hope for.
I know that all these stupid stuff looks stupidly pathetic.

I know that all these stupid stuff looks stupidly pathetic.

The only part that looks stupid and pathetic is how you keep putting yourself down. Knock that shit off.

Well, I guess saying that will also contradict me right now, but I'm more of a modest person myself, also I don't like over-confident people who brag about themselves all the time.

Erenussocrates wrote:Well, I guess saying that will also contradict me right now, but I'm more of a modest person myself, also I don't like over-confident people who brag about themselves all the time.

But there is a fine difference between someone who is self-confident and over-confident. If you feel that you aren't worthy of her, then make yourself worthy.

I AM worthy, just might not be as worthy as her. She looks like she sees me her friend already. One can easily be over-confident while trying to be self-confident. That's why I don't tell the stories of my succession about any matter.

Erenussocrates wrote:I AM worthy, just might not be as worthy as her. She looks like she sees me her friend already. One can easily be over-confident while trying to be self-confident. That's why I don't tell the stories of my succession about any matter.

English tip: "Succession" doesn't work there. You want "success". "Succession" relates to sequences. (I.E. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 <----A succession of numbers.)

Anyway, it couldn't hurt to go for her. Well...It could but try it anyway if you want it. "What if?" is a really shitty question to have to live with.

Erenussocrates wrote: She text messages me everyday, out of boredom I guess.

I wouldn't think that she texts you out of boredom. After reading your story, I have the impression that she thinks of you as an interesting person, to the extent of communicating with you past the language problem. And when I say interesting, I mean a person you would like to hang out with at least. And you said she is busy. So even though she is busy, she texts you. I wouldn't consider that a sign of boredom.

Anyway, I read some of the last pages of the thread and just had the urge to tell you something as a girl: not every female human being is a bitch, who will make you suffer despite your kindness. Yes, many of them, hell, most of them are, and I know since I had similar troubles in finding true friends. And I can tell for sure, there are girls who care about other people's feelings, especially when it comes to love. If someone respects you, you also respect him; that is something all of my friends (the true ones) agree on.

I don't know about your countries, and I have always been interested finding about people's personalities outside my country, but here both boys and girls take this "it's my life so I will do what I want" so seriously that they forget that other people have feelings too. This is one of my biggest fears about entering university: inadvertently losing touch with my friends (even though we will try not to) and finding no one worth of my friendship. However I won't lose my hope; otherwise life will become kind of unbearable. And since I have already met decent people even though I am still quite young, I am sure that I will meet some of them at least in the near future. So, a piece of advise from me: guys, don't lose your hope because a girl broke your heart; not all of us are bitches.

And last but not least, don't get hooked on 2D girls/2D world. When you realize how much time of your life you lost doing actually nothing for yourself, you will regret it deeply. I also get this feeling to forget about the real world, but then I realise that there is no point to that. And trust me, the reality I live in is really frustrating.

I think, Rose, that the issue is that there seem to be too many people that adopt that "it's my life so I will do what I want" nonsense without caring much about the people they interact with. Male or female.

I've gone out of my way to help people a lot in my life, and it's become second nature to me. Even doing something as simple as getting the door for people when I go to a convenience store, restaurant, or anything else - if someone's coming on the other side of the door, or if someone's behind/beside me, I'll tend to step forward and get it just for the sake of holding it open. There are other things as well - offering coworkers a ride if they need one, sharing from my stockpile of snacks (I buy bulk cases of random snack food from Costco for breaks at work and store them in my car, because why not), trying to offer advice or solve problems when the situation wouldn't otherwise concern me...

But the more I interact with other people, and the more I try to let myself get close to people, the more I realize how alien this way of thinking seems to be to the world at large. I try to be as polite and kind as possible to people, even if they're total strangers or even if I outright dislike someone (I'll be civil, at least, in that case), and while I can inadvertently offend someone, I avoid deliberately doing it to the extent that I don't even show irritation at someone if I'm having a bad day for other reasons. Other people seem to be very much the opposite of that. People will, for example, take any excuse to get mad at someone else just because their day is bad. Which is fair, I've done that... but I don't act on it. I know that I'm just being bitchy and I know that taking it out on someone for something minor/imagined is ridiculous. Other people don't think that way. If they're having a bad day and you did something as simple as place an item for them in a slightly inconvenient place, well, then it's time to go to town.
Never mind how that sort of thing works when it's someone you think you're close to... It's great to think that you're "friends" (or more) with someone, and they're just using you because you have the best video games, or because you're an ego boost, or because it's slightly less boring than doing random crap alone... or whatever.

When you realize how much time of your life you lost doing actually nothing for yourself, you will regret it deeply.

Frankly, when it comes to trying to establish relationships of any kind - mere friends or anything more - over the last, oh, six years, I regret not the fact that I didn't try harder, but that I didn't try less. My interactions with people, and my observation of and (at times) attempted interference with their relationships as they break down - that's done more damage to me than anything else has. Really, the two best results out of the last few years ended up being one sort-of friendship that was confusing to me on many levels at the time, and I see in hindsight as being, I don't know, pity? and one online friendship with someone who's in another country. While I still value the latter, I've distanced myself from her because I've been too self-destructive over the last several months, and talking to someone about it has only made it worse. It's hard to put the feeling completely into words, but summed up: I'm not mentally stable enough to handle a close friendship anymore.

I regret such things as not having taken school a bit more seriously, but back then I guess I wasn't really mature enough yet to have jumped straight from high school to a college or university of any kind, even if I'd had the grades to do it. I knew it at the time and wanted to spend a year or two working first, anyway. I regret how I spent too much of 2010 pursuing, for months at a time, two job opportunities that didn't pan out - that one has put a severe strain on my credit situation, even though I've made steady progress cleaning it up since early 2011. Those are the types of things I regret not taking care of better, but I can't possibly regret not trying harder for relationships with people. No chance.

Erenussocrates wrote:I AM worthy, just might not be as worthy as her.

There's no such thing as levels of worth; except in economics. If you're worth anything at all, then you're worthy of trying. Stop putting her on a pedestal, too. She's a person just like you, and she has flaws - even if you might not be capable of seeing them.

Erenussocrates wrote:She looks like she sees me [as] her friend already.

Her seeing you as a friend is a bad thing? Would you prefer she have no idea you exist or think you're stalking her? Relationships have to start somewhere and being friends is a really good place to begin.

Erenussocrates wrote:One can easily be over-confident while trying to be self-confident.

One can also over-think while trying to decide something.

Erenussocrates wrote:That's why I don't tell the stories of my success*snip* about any matter.

Being humble isn't a vice, it's a virtue. However, having no awareness of your own value is a bumpy road leading to bitterness, darkness, and regret.

swing for the fences dude

Xanatos wrote: English tip: "Succession" doesn't work there. You want "success". "Succession" relates to sequences. (I.E. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 <----A succession of numbers.)

Anyway, it couldn't hurt to go for her. Well...It could but try it anyway if you want it. "What if?" is a really shitty question to have to live with.

Yeah, sorry lol. I do create new meanings for similar words out of my ass sometimes, especially when I'm tired or when I'm in a hurry. Yes, "success"..

But if she would have declined my proposal, it would be ever so creepy. I suspect that she would give up hanging out with me, seeing me as the "stalker" from then on. And I love her company.

rosemarie-chan wrote:I wouldn't think that she texts you out of boredom. After reading your story, I have the impression that she thinks of you as an interesting person, to the extent of communicating with you past the language problem. And when I say interesting, I mean a person you would like to hang out with at least.

It would be joyous for me to hear that from herself. Though, I have found myself quite boring compared to her, even if I had my own life story and all. Looking at this summer and last summer, let's say that if I started a topic to talk about or talk about myself %30 of the time, she does that %70 of the time. And about 2D thing, I succumb to that quite easily, looking back at my computer occupied childhood and all.

Helbereth wrote: There's no such thing as levels of worth; except in economics. If you're worth anything at all, then you're worthy of trying. Stop putting her on a pedestal, too. She's a person just like you, and she has flaws - even if you might not be capable of seeing them.

Well, I think there is, Mr. Helbereth. You cannot put an engineer man and a streetcleaner man on the same scales, could you? I know that this sounds harsh, but it is the truth for the most of the time. Though the difference between me and her is not that dramatic.

Helbereth wrote:Her seeing you as a friend is a bad thing? Would you prefer she have no idea you exist or think you're stalking her? Relationships have to start somewhere and being friends is a really good place to begin.

No, it's not a bad thing and I said that I am grateful for that. I guess you've missed that.

Helbereth wrote:Being humble isn't a vice, it's a virtue. However, having no awareness of your own value is a bumpy road leading to bitterness, darkness, and regret.

Yes, maybe that much of introversion really isn't healthy to be living with. However, I have my own level of self-confidence as well. I just refuse being an asshole narcissist in the end.

Well, also the thing is, she is studying in the univercity right now, and I still won't be able to enroll one until the next summer. Even though if her age is same as mine or less, that's a status inconvenience.

Who knows? Life may change, personalities may change, she might improve her english, maybe we might get to know each other in a few summers later. Though, there's also a chance that I might fancy someone else in that period of time as well.

Xanatos wrote:

Erenussocrates wrote:I AM worthy, just might not be as worthy as her. She looks like she sees me her friend already. One can easily be over-confident while trying to be self-confident. That's why I don't tell the stories of my succession about any matter.

English tip: "Succession" doesn't work there. You want "success". "Succession" relates to sequences. (I.E. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 <----A succession of numbers.) :mrgreen:

Anyway, it couldn't hurt to go for her. Well...It could but try it anyway if you want it. "What if?" is a really shitty question to have to live with.

I don't appreciate you stealing my job.