Aww, dang. I'm back. Here's some more words, as promised.
Scene 22: Searching for Johnnie Walker
Kagami is hunched forward anxiously; her elbows rest on her knees while her hands twist idly in front of her face. The look that currently rests on her face is one of intense study – as if there were thousands of words hung by some invisible string in the space between here and the opposite wall, and by concentrating hard enough, one might manage to draw coherent sentences out of thin air. Considering her silence during the past half hour, however, she doesn’t seem to be doing all that well at it.
“Hey, I didn’t realize it was your turn to space out,” I offer, attempting to inject some life into her game.
“Hm? Oh, sorry. Just thinking,” she says without turning.
A slight frown crosses my face. “It’s just an MRI. Nothing you haven’t done dozens of times.” I give her a shoulder a light pat in an attempt to offer some meager comfort.
Kagami rolls her eyes, still without turning her head. “For all the good that experience did me. I’m sure I’m as nervous as I was the first time I came in for one of these.”
“W-well, you look great,” I say, attempting to smile.
Wow, Hisao. That’s the best you can do? Don’t reach too deep into the pocket of empathy.
Surprisingly, this elicits an incredulous grin and snort from Kagami. “Thanks…? I suppose?”
I nod, deciding to take my gaffe in stride. “You’re welcome. Don’t ask me to give you too many of those – can’t let your head get too big, now.”
“Don’t worry. After the exam, we can ask the doctor if the size has changed at all from last year,” she says, shaking her head and assuming her former position.
Yeah, when you put it that way, I probably could have worded that better. Oh, well. Now’s probably not a great time for conversation anyhow.
Sinking back in my chair, I cross my legs in front of me and look around the waiting room for something to occupy my eyes while we wait for the receptionist to call Kagami’s name.
The paisley wallpaper does nothing to alleviate my distaste for hospitals – as far as waiting rooms go, this is certainly right up there with the blandest of them. And the smell… before I had my heart attack, I wasn’t entirely sure how to categorize the smell of a hospital. Now, I recognize it as an intricately layered odor: death, sick, and urine, all covered up with a heavy blanket of bleach and disinfectant.
It’s bringing back all sorts of unpleasant memories, which I attempt to shake from my head by actually shaking it for a few seconds. Kagami gives a short glance in my direction, but doesn’t say anything. I shift uncomfortably in the hard plastic chair that is trying its best to worsen my already poor posture.
Looking around the room some more is probably the only distraction I’ll get here, unfortunately.
My gaze comes to rest on a young boy in a motorized wheelchair seated across from a man I can only assume to be his father. Between them sits a chessboard that appears to be midway through a game. At first I’m a bit flummoxed by this, but as the boy moves his fingers across a small keyboard on his left side, I can barely hear a robotic voice emanate from his chair. His father nods in understanding, reaches across the board, and moves the boy’s piece accordingly. Involuntarily, I sit up.
Moves pass at a decent speed as I watch their game unfold. There’s never any motion from the boy, save a few flicks of his fingers across his keypad and the constant sweep of his eyes across the chessboard as he calculates his next play. He’s very quick to communicate his wishes as to where his next piece should go, but his father appears to be taking an increasing amount of time with each of his own moves. As I watch the pieces dance across the board, I’d wager the momentum is swinging largely in the boy’s favor.
All at once I feel a tremendous wave of pity and horror overtake me. That boy is probably just as intelligent as anyone. Maybe smarter. He’s just
trapped in his own body. There’s no way he’d ever be able to communicate just how intelligent he
is. At least not in full. I start to feel tremendously sick to my stomach as I imagine myself as a prisoner in my own body, unable to speak or move, trapped with my own thoughts.
Maybe a heart attack and subsequent arrhythmia is getting off easy, in the long run.
“Takahashi?” the receptionist queries as she stretches over the front desk.
Kagami sighs loudly. “Let’s get this over with, I suppose.”
~^~
Even with all the lights on, Kagami's father's apartment can best be described as dimly lit. The slowly swirling fan above casts periodic shadows across the boxes of takeout scattered haphazardly across the kitchen table, and across the two silent figures seated opposite each other – slowly partaking of their meal without a sound or even so much as a glance across the table.
Kagami hasn’t said much to me since we left the hospital. When she came back into the waiting room – after what seemed like an eternity – she emanated distance. Like she was caught in the back of her own mind, with nothing but those words she had been trying retrieve the whole time we were in the waiting room. Somehow, back in the exam, she had found those words, but now that she knew what they were, she didn’t want to speak them anymore.
I tried to ask her what was wrong. All I got in response was a barely perceptible head shake and a glance in the other direction.
I eventually stopped trying to make conversation about halfway back to the train station. Doing so on the ride home wouldn’t have done any good anyhow, as we managed to catch the tail-end of rush hour and were consequently stuffed into our train car like sardines packed in a crushed tin box. But even after we escaped the crowds and arrived back at her father’s apartment, I didn’t get more than a feeble, “I don’t really feel like going out to dinner. Takeout okay with you?”
Her aunt and uncle stopped by to say farewell and to not bother waiting up for them, as, “These things always go until some ungodly hour of the morning, as they are wont to do," according to Mei. "I will never understand artists.”
She asked how Kagami’s appointment went, to which she received a cursory, “Fine. We’ll talk about it more tomorrow.” Mei simply nodded in return.
Ichiro said something like, “Don’t stain the furniture, you two,” which received a hefty slap across the arm from Mei. They made their exit as Ichiro explained he was talking about the vast amounts of soy sauce laid out on the table. For whatever reason, I don’t think Mei quite believed him.
I sigh quietly between my now-infrequent bites of fried dumpling. Kagami notices and looks up.
“Look, I don’t know exactly how to…” she begins.
I shush her quickly. “It’s fine. If you don’t want to talk you shouldn’t have to. It’s something you taught me a while ago.”
She smiles weakly. “Thanks, I guess.”
I reach halfway across the table. “You know you do have me legitimately confused, though, right? I just want to be here for you.”
“You’re sweet, Hisao,” Kagami says, widening her smile but at the same time not reaching to take my hand. “I’m just not ready yet.”
I respond with a quiet nod, and she goes back to eating. Once more we’re wrapped in silence.
I hate seeing her like this. Whatever she was told at the hospital clearly isn’t good, and I can tell it’s eating her up inside. Then again, she’s her own person and can make her own decisions. Honestly, if I got bad news, I’m not sure I’d be willing to share either — especially not right away. Hell, that’s what I was actively
doing up until two months ago or so.
I’d just hate for her to miss the opportunity to talk about how she feels while it’s still fresh, and not tomorrow when it’s…
…too late?
The thought comes from an impulsive place in the back of my mind. It's an antagonistic voice — one that makes me feel slimy for having entertained it — and it is most assuredly not me. I exhale sharply through my nose and decide to turn my attention back to my dumpling. It's best not to dwell on these things for too long.
Why not? You'll have to address these feelings sooner or later.
Even though I try not to think about it, the voice does call my attention to the growing pang of worry I feel for Kagami. I know she doesn't want to talk about it — I
know that. But at the same time, it's not good to let the sun set on a problem; it's like the proverb says, right? That probably counts double for…
I shake whatever thoughts were coming next out of my head. It’s not right to think like that. She’s not…
…not what? Not disabled?
That’s not where I meant to end that thought. She's not some malfunctioning piece of hardware with an automatic reset switch.
In the end, what's the difference?
The darkness of this thought causes me to physically shudder. I begin to eat more quickly in an attempt to quit this silly, fallacious train of thought. There's no way this amount of rice is meant for just one meal. This soy sauce seems overly salty. Why does this takeout place uses plastic chopsticks instead of the cheap wooden ones?
You're afraid of thinking things like this because you recognize that they could be true. And ignoring that isn’t going to make it go away. You know that, right?
That clock on the wall is obviously broken. Did Kagami and I make all those scuff marks by the door? What kind of wooden flooring is that in the kitchen- cherry, maybe?
You do
know that, right?
I shut my eyes for a second to try and prevent whatever is going to creep into my head next, but it seems the thoughts only grow louder and louder the more I try to prevent them.
It’s really just for her own good. If she doesn’t talk about it tonight, it’ll be like discussing a history book. You won’t have helped at all.
Okay, you know what? Fuck you. You cold, callous, waste of brain space.
Don't get angry with me. You've been thinking these things all along.
I
know I have, okay? That doesn't mean they're good thoughts to have. I don't want to have them.
But you're having them, just the same. Shouldn't that point to something?
Point to what, exactly? She's not… whatever it is you think she is. She's real, and complicated, and alive. Stop trying to make her into something I need to fix!
I never said that. Just because someone is a real person doesn't mean they don't need help every now and then. There's a big difference.
Stop twisting my thoughts around your petty semantics! You make it sound like I don't care at all!
You did say
you wanted to help, right?
"Of
course I do!"
As soon as the thought exits my mind, I hear it reverberate in the space around me. Oh, crap. That was out loud.
Kagami looks at me quizzically for a few seconds, and then says, "Wow. I didn't expect you to respond with such fervor. You must really like chess."
I blink a few times before realizing my mouth is hanging open. "Huh?" is all I can blurt out.
"I only asked if you wanted to play a quick game of chess. I saw you looking at that boy in the waiting room earlier and figured you might know how to play," she says, wrinkling her brow some and smiling for the first time this evening.
I sigh in relief. Apparently my mental slip was well-timed. Remind me to never leave myself alone with my thoughts again.
Kagami stands and makes her way to a small shelf across the room. Picking up a rectangular box from one of the lower shelves, she blows the dust from its surface, scattering it throughout the room.
"I don't know what I'd do if my dad ever decided to redecorate. This box hasn't moved an inch ever since I remember him getting this place," she observes.
I opt not to speak and settle instead for a small chuckle in response.
After she makes her way back to the table, she carefully opens the box and sets the lid upside-down on a vacant corner of the table. The removal of a small piece of velvet cloth reveals an elaborate glass chess set, with what looks like a marble chessboard.
"I assume the frosted glass pieces are black, then," I half-inquire.
"Yep, and the clear pieces are white. I call black, by the way," she says hastily.
"Suits me just fine. White gets to go first anyhow."
Kagami smirks slightly before retorting, "Ah, but black always gets the opportunity to observe white and to react to his advances. That is the superior strategic position."
"Easy there, Ms. Grandmaster. You're not sharking me, are you?" I inquire, raising an eyebrow.
"If I were, do you think I'd tell you before?" she ripostes with a wry grin.
I shake my head and sigh as I begin to set up my side of the board. "I suppose not."
Soon, all the pieces are in place, and I make the first move. White pawn to e4.
Kagami responds quickly, mirroring my move across the board. Black pawn to e5.
Hm. I wonder…
I slowly reach for my queen, trying to read Kagami's facial expression as I slide it diagonally across the board. White queen to f3.
Surprisingly, she doesn't react with the traditional knight defense that I'd expect, but instead chooses to bring out the knight on the left side of the board. Black knight to c6.
I always get anxious whenever this happens. Either she's playing coy or she really doesn't know what's going on. White bishop to c4.
A slight smirk from my opponent — dammit, I'm caught. Wait- no, she's reaching for… I don't believe it. Black knight to a5.
Apparently putting my bishop in danger was too tempting a bait… I almost feel bad as I slide my queen down the board. I can see the recognition that this is a bad thing begin to register on her face, but it's too late. White queen captures f7. That's the game.
"Checkmate," I say, a fair bit of waver in my voice.
Her jaw, which was already slightly agape, drops completely. "Wait,
what?"
"Four-move checkmate," I mutter wanly as she studies the board with great fervor. A few awkward seconds pass before I add, "Please be sharking me. We don't have to count that game if you don't want."
Kagami puckers her lips and glares. "That's a dirty trick, Hisao."
"I'm… sorry?" I offer with a shrug.
Her death glare turns sinister. "That's all right. We'll just have to level the playing field," she says as she rises from her seat and ventures into the kitchen.
"I'm not drinking, Kagami!" I yell as she disappears from sight.
"That's entirely up to how well you play!" she retorts. I hear a vague clink of crystal from the other room, followed shortly by the lower-pitched clink of ice cubes into glasses. Kagami returns a moment later with a large, unmarked bottle and two very expensive-looking glasses.
"Um… this is your dad's scotch, isn't it?"
"Duh-duy," she responds with an eye roll. "I doubt he'll even miss it. Not like he's ever here anymore."
I don't respond, but I'm sure my hesitance is written all over my face. Which earns a second eye roll from Kagami.
"If it makes you feel any better there's like three more bottles of it in the pantry. We'll just refill it afterwards."
I shake my head slowly. "Don't we have things to do tomorrow? You were talking about university interviews…"
"Already got that covered," she says as she pulls her journal from her purse. She flips through it for a moment before coming to the proper entry. "Two o'clock tomorrow. Think you can handle getting up that early?"
Her derision, however crude a tactic, seems to crack through my resistance just the tiniest bit. "What's the game, then?"
"Simple," she says, smirking. "You lose a piece, you take a drink. Loser has to finish their drink."
I sigh once more, risking it becoming a permanent habit. "I doubt this will end well." Kagami begins pouting before I add a quiet, "…for you."
Her pout quickly warps into an ear-to-ear grin. "Bring it on, Nakai."
~^~
White rook to h7.
"Y'know, I have you beat right now."
"Hush up. I'm trying to devise a strategy."
I quickly count the pieces left on the board. "Kagami, face it. You're not gonna win, you've got five pawns and a bishop. I've still got both my rooks, a knight, a bishop, and my queen."
"Don't try to bring logical thought into this, Hisao Nakai. I can work miracles," she orates, eyes closed and finger pointed towards the ceiling.
"That's what you said last game, too." I retort.
Black pawn to g4.
"See?" I say. "You're just prolonging the inevitable."
"Maybe I am, maybe I'm looking for weaknesses in your defenses."
"I doubt that very much," I say haughtily, as I slide my queen down the board for the victory. "White queen captures bishop at at c8. Checkmate."
Kagami begins to pout for a moment, then suddenly sits up and adjusts her glasses, staring intently at the board.
"No it's not," she says quietly.
"W-what are you talking about?" I stutter. Surely there can't be- but there it is! I forgot to move my rook to protect my queen; a fact I am now stuck with as Kagami captures my queen and places it neatly off to the side of the board.
Black king captures queen at c8.
"Drink," she accuses, pointing across the table at my glass.
I quickly down the required punishment for my foolishness, my face involuntarily scrunching at the bitterness of the liquor. I'm about to implore Kagami to do the same, in penance for her bishop, but she finishes her drink before I do and proceeds to empty the contents of the bottle into her glass.
"We drank the whole bottle?" I say, feeling a break may be in order.
"I-it wasn't
that much," Kagami slurs.
I briefly try to suppress a hiccup, before failing miserably and nearly inhaling my own diaphragm. Kagami begins to laugh at my spasming stomach. "I feel like it might have been," I add between gasps for air.
Eventually my wheezing dies down, and I'm able to concentrate on the game once more. White bishop to f4.
Kagami responds in turn by moving her own pawn into capturing position. Black pawn to g5.
"You know, you could just give up now," she taunts.
"Ahh, but I may just have a shot, considering you only have pawns at this point."
She wags a lone finger in protest. "And a king!"
"Well, besides that. The most obvious thing in the universe," I quip. White bishop captures g5.
"So was your queen not being protected earlier," she replies, sticking her tongue out.
I fold my arms mockingly. "You're one to talk, captain of the obvious squad. You let me four-move checkmate you earlier."
"Oh, is that where we're going with this?" she says, raising an eyebrow. "Sorry that the great Hisao Nakai has to play dirty tricks on his poor, memory-challenged girlfriend. Not fair at all, you know."
I stop short of responding as Kagami moves one of her remaining pieces. Pawn to c5.
After a lengthy pause, Kagami speaks. "S'matter? Feeling stumped?"
"Y-you just called yourself my girlfriend, that's all."
This time it's Kagami's turn to be silent. She licks her lips several times, opening her mouth to speak each one, but no words come out. Finally she scratches her head and replies with a weak, "I g-guess I did. Huh. I haven't done that before."
"Nope. You certainly haven't."
Another pause.
"Your move, Hisao."
I scratch my chin for a moment. Then I take a deep breath. "I-if you're ready… I'd like to be your boyfriend. Officially."
Kagami looks confused for a moment, then starts chuckling. "I meant the game, idiot."
"Oh! Right," I exclaim as I hurriedly fumble for one of my pieces. "Forget I said anything, actually." White knight to e2.
But the girl across from me shakes her head. "Nope. You already said it, it's out in the open. So now we have to discuss it." She leans over the table, moving one of her pawns further forward as she does it. Black pawn to c4.
"Since when is that a rule? What about earlier today at the hospital? I didn't bother you at all about- I mean…" The words escape my mouth faster than I can stop myself.
Kagami falls silent again. Her expression flattens to absolute deadpan; her arms fall loosely to her sides. She hangs her face so low I'm afraid her glasses will slip from her nose.
"I had almost forgotten about that. Even without waiting until tomorrow."
"I didn't mean to bring it up."
"Well, now it's brought up. And we have to discuss it. I said so."
We both fidget nervously for a moment, neither of us sure what to say. Then Kagami reaches for the rest of her drink and downs it in one fluid motion.
"Fuck it. Just… fuck it," she curses.
"Y-you don't-"
"Hardened scar tissue, Hisao. Lots of it. All along the right side of my brain. Scar tissue starts out soft but it hardens over time, and once it does…"
She stops for a moment, unsure of where to go or what to say next. Her eyes close as she exhales slowly.
"I'm done making progress. It's over. This is the best I'm gonna get. Ever."
Kagami's voice grows tighter in her throat. It's not over.
"That's not the worst part, though. H-hardened scar tissue on the brain…" She stops for a moment to wipe tears from underneath her glasses. "It's a r-risk. For seizures." The tears flow freely now; she doesn't even bother to wipe her face. "I h-have to go on epilepsy m-medication. F-forever."
With that, she breaks completely. Her hands fall to her sides, unable to control the well of tears any longer.
For a long time, neither of us say anything. I see the words, suspended on strings, hanging from the ceiling. Gently twirling on their respective axes, mocking the silence.
I rise from my place opposite Kagami and set myself down next to her, slowly wrapping my arms around her quivering torso as sobs continue to wrack her body. She presses her face into my shoulder as I start to stroke her hair gently.
For now, I suppose, words are the last thing we need.
__________
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I mean I sometimes have to play at A-415, and really if I had the correct scores I think that's what I'd have the orchestra do. I wouldn't tune the soloist up, I'd tune the rest of the strings down. The wind instrument parts would just remain those in use from the D major arrangement, since there are no meaningful distinctions between keys on modern wind instruments (clarinets being the exception, but that's why they come in both A and B-flat). It's not like the wind instruments in use bear much resemblance to those of 1818 anyhow, except for the trombones. Even the wind instruments of just thirty years or so later were dramatically different. Historically informed performance for a wind player can be exceptionally draining both on the technique and the wallet.
. Take care, and hopefully all shall be well soon.