Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

[Shail]

I wish I could have optimism for people ;-;..

[Shail]

I meant life is unpredictable, as what happened to your ex.

Meh, happy endings only exist in fairy tales, no such thing in real life. That's the "real" part of it, been about 5 years since then and I still have a hard time just looking at girls again. Really, my dating experience is terrible, 2/3 were basically whores(imo) and ditched me for some other dude, and the 1/3 that I truly thought would be "the one", my magical high school relationship, ended worse than the other two combined. There are no happy endings, just okay distractions.

[Guest Poster]

No offense, but maybe Hanako's broken heart club is a better place for this discussion than Trivun's thread.

[Shail]

*peeps at broken heart club* Oh, convenience. *throws pencil at guest poster*

[Trivun]

I can't eat, I can't sleep, though I can't stay awake, and whatever I do I find myself reminded of him.

He keeps her under his spell, he keeps her under his spell...

*last two chapters*

Well, that escalated quickly. Not to say it's bad, but you seems determined to quickly get this out of the way. Not that anybody can blame you.

Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious... . And yeah, the quicker the bad stuff is out of the way the sooner we can get onto the happy stuff

Arrgh. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. Because you're going to have to tackle the point where Hanako's self loathing turns to hatred for Hisao. Yeah these last few chapters have been short, and a bit frantic, but I think that works. It helps drive home the chaotic state Hanako's emotions are in.

Oh yes, it'll get worse, but I think it does fit. And you're right, though I hadn't thought about it myself before. The whole state of Hanako's emotions do kind of match the style of the writing, though I'll confess that a part of it is more my own desire to get through the worst parts quickly (and also to try and come up with a decent thought process for Hanako without constantly dwelling on the 'woe is me', angsty moping that we see in so many bad teenage emo fics (both fanfic and 'professional' works, you know the kind of crap I mean) and without dragging the good writing out until it loses its appeal)...

Snipped for length

This is a decent critique, but I'm glad of it, because any chance for me to improve as a writer is a chance worth taking, so thank you . I agree with you on your own response to sidorak26's comment, though as you rightly guessed I did have an answer myself which I posted not long after your comment, so I'll spare the repost as it's not really necessary I guess. Regarding your critical views, I'll also agree that some of the prose that I wrote was a bit sloppy. Your own edit, while not really much more than a quick cut-and-paste, does work pretty well, so it's something I'll try and bear in mind in the next few chapters. I'll certainly be the first to admit that the earlier parts of the story are a lot rougher than the later parts, though in my experience they always do tend to be. My focus now is to try and get the last chapters done in decent time and finish the story, especially since I've been working on it now for roughly a year or more, but if I ever decide to revisit the story (a big task given it's roughly the same word count now as a short novel, the biggest project I've ever managed to stick with), then I'll definitely be making a lot of edits and your own critique will be very useful in helping me there, so thank you again .

Also, it might be a bit difficult for me to write if I can make laptop screens melt, which is a bit of an issue. Though to be fair I think I need a new computer soon as well, The Secret World has been slowly helping me fry the graphics drive for the past half a year now! (Templar, in the Blue Mountains on the Daemon server, if anyone else here plays and is interested in joining me sometime for a dungeon raid ;D)

*popcorn* Imagine trying to write a Rin's story... the mental dialogue for 5 mins would take pages *drool*

I did originally consider doing this for the other girls as well, but with the time it's taken for just Hanako's route I doubt I'll be trying it for the others now. Though I agree with your comment, I did consider maybe a Rin one-shot at some point. I suppose it'll be something waiting on the radar if I feel like it (though I want to work more on my short Secret World fanfic and my original projects as well when this story is done, especially my neglected short screenplays...)

No offense, but maybe Hanako's broken heart club is a better place for this discussion than Trivun's thread.

Finally, I do have to agree with Guest Poster here. I do feel for the problems that the people here have faced, and I do sympathise, but I would definitely agree that the thread for discussion of such topics, i.e. Hanako's Broken Hearts, would be a better suited place for such conversation. I hope that everyone who has been affected by such hardship and heartbreak is able to recover and gain the love and affection that we all need and want, and that everyone is able to live a happy life just the way they want . Also, sorry if my words there sound a little awkward, hopefully the genuine sentiment is clear though.

[BestTerribleApe]

Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious...

Never seen Drive?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K7rmxjk5RQ

[Bad Apple]

Words.

No problem. If you ever need a proofreader in the future, let me know. I'd be honored to proofread the fic of any of the talented writers here. I can be as nitpicky as desired, provided I'm not hurting anyone's feelings of course; my intention on critique is for improvement and that seems to be the general M.O. around here, which is good.

Now go write the best damn endings you can and take your time. This forum isn't going anywhere.

[Finn Solomon]

Just popping in to say that I've just finished reading this fic and I like it very much. I particularly enjoyed Hanako's characterisation as an intelligent and observant person while being too shy to actually show it outwardly. Even seasoned comic book writers and novelists and movie scriptwriters find it difficult to write 'intelligent' characters, like Reed Richards and Sherlock Holmes. But even though you have an extra level of difficulty to work with (Hanako can't display her intelligence in an obvious manner) you've managed to portray it very well indeed. Well done Trivun!

[bhtooefr]

Trivun,

I'm gonna burn my first post here, to thank you.

I think you completely nailed Hanako's anxiety/depression issues as she cracks, in Act 3 Chapter 10 and Act 4 Chapter 1.

Because I would have reacted similarly. Not anywhere near the same magnitude (but, then, the pain and rejection I've experienced in my life pales to what Hanako's experienced), but the same exact thoughts and depressive spirals have gone through my head with even the smallest of perceived slights from someone I've been romantically interested in (which is a story I don't care to share, other than that I deeply empathize with Hanako there).

That... almost needs a trigger warning, to be honest. And I'm not saying that like it's bad or anything, I'm saying it like that's such an accurate portrayal of that mental state that it was painful for me to read.

(As an aside, this is also the first piece of KS fanfic I read. Funny thing is, I haven't actually played the game, even - I've recently started following MillBee's play-through (currently watching my way through Emi's arc). Means I don't have control over it, but it's entertaining, and even when he breaks from the script to crack a joke or comment on the events, his narration generally amplifies the emotion and characterization over just reading the text, in my opinion - I have trouble processing speech when there's no text anchoring it, so an audiobook version wouldn't work, but narration is extremely helpful.)

[Atario]

when he breaks from the script to crack a joke or comment on the events, his narration generally amplifies the emotion and characterization over just reading the text, in my opinion

I'm torn. He does add something, but he also takes away a great deal. Whenever anything heavy happens (or just at random as well), he immediately undercuts it with endless spastic clownery. Kinda ruins it, in my opinion.

I would highly recommend not using his playthrough as your primary source. Play it through by yourself, 100% if you can, then watch his stuff, if you want.

[bhtooefr]

You know, after watching completely through Emi's story, I'm now inclined to agree. It did lose something. I don't think I'll watch his playthroughs of Rin and Lilly, I actually suspect that he would struggle to do either respectfully and without obliterating the mood.

(Hanako's story, I don't think he was wisecracking nearly as much (and the emotion came through much, much stronger), and Shizune's story, it didn't feel wrong either. But Emi's shows the downfalls in his narration style, and I noticed him going on longer and longer tangents.)

But, that's kinda off-topic for this thread, I was just making a quick parenthetical comment to introduce what my knowledge was... back to your usual discussion of this fanfic.

Edit: So I decided to read back through this... while actually playing Hanako's story. I stopped at the choice between the bad and neutral/good endings, though, and decided to play to the good ending. I actually found it to be more moving than the bad ending in MillBee's playthrough, although it just clicked why Trivun is leading with the bad ending. Hanako snapping in the bad ending is merely disconcerting from Hisao's POV, but from Hanako's?

I do agree that the neutral ending will be extremely interesting, and actually now I wonder if there's any good (as in quality, not as in good ending) neutral ending continuation fics - I actually have a suspicion that the natural continuation of the neutral ending could be FAR worse than the bad ending.

Also, regarding the discussion of it being OOC or overly genre savvy for Hanako to know what "white knighting" is (and I know it's been settled, but this is a perspective that wasn't brought up in favor of her using the term at times)... It's not out of character for Emi to express that sentiment, in almost those words even, in the canon. Hanako, on the other hand, is extremely well-read. If Emi knows the concept and uses similar terminology to express the concept, I'd be extremely surprised if Hanako wasn't familiar with the term.

[Trivun]

Is that a song lyric by any chance? If so, where from? I've not heard it before and I'm curious...

Never seen Drive?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K7rmxjk5RQ

I've not actually seen Drive yet, but it does look good, and that is an awesome song .

Words.

No problem. If you ever need a proofreader in the future, let me know. I'd be honored to proofread the fic of any of the talented writers here. I can be as nitpicky as desired, provided I'm not hurting anyone's feelings of course; my intention on critique is for improvement and that seems to be the general M.O. around here, which is good.

Now go write the best damn endings you can and take your time. This forum isn't going anywhere.

And it's good to see that, thank you. I've posted stuff on other sites before where people have been unduly harsh (even on things I know were bad and have tried to improve on), and places where people have been completely praiseworthy even when undeserved, so good valid critique is always welcome .

Just popping in to say that I've just finished reading this fic and I like it very much. I particularly enjoyed Hanako's characterisation as an intelligent and observant person while being too shy to actually show it outwardly. Even seasoned comic book writers and novelists and movie scriptwriters find it difficult to write 'intelligent' characters, like Reed Richards and Sherlock Holmes. But even though you have an extra level of difficulty to work with (Hanako can't display her intelligence in an obvious manner) you've managed to portray it very well indeed. Well done Trivun!

That's pretty high praise, so I thank you for it . Not to toot my own horn, but I went to a grammar school and then university, so I've been surrounded by intelligent people for over a decade now, meaning that I think it's a bit easier for me to write intelligent people because of that by drawing on the people around me, in a similar way to how I drew on my own experiences of both being bullied (fortunately only ever verbally, never physically) and of unrequited love when younger in order to write those aspects of Hanako. I think the key part really has been keeping her down to Earth more than anything, and then the intelligence has just come naturally as a result of that. Trying to get into Hanako's mindset, no matter how traumatic it may be, is the real skill, which leads on to everything else. As I've said before though, I've always been a character writer more than anything else, so that's the main skill I tend to bring to my writing. Other writers are better than me at description, or complex and intriguing plots, and as writers we have to make the best of the skills and styles that we have...

Trivun,

I'm gonna burn my first post here, to thank you.

I think you completely nailed Hanako's anxiety/depression issues as she cracks, in Act 3 Chapter 10 and Act 4 Chapter 1.

Because I would have reacted similarly. Not anywhere near the same magnitude (but, then, the pain and rejection I've experienced in my life pales to what Hanako's experienced), but the same exact thoughts and depressive spirals have gone through my head with even the smallest of perceived slights from someone I've been romantically interested in (which is a story I don't care to share, other than that I deeply empathize with Hanako there).

That... almost needs a trigger warning, to be honest. And I'm not saying that like it's bad or anything, I'm saying it like that's such an accurate portrayal of that mental state that it was painful for me to read.

(As an aside, this is also the first piece of KS fanfic I read. Funny thing is, I haven't actually played the game, even - I've recently started following MillBee's play-through (currently watching my way through Emi's arc). Means I don't have control over it, but it's entertaining, and even when he breaks from the script to crack a joke or comment on the events, his narration generally amplifies the emotion and characterization over just reading the text, in my opinion - I have trouble processing speech when there's no text anchoring it, so an audiobook version wouldn't work, but narration is extremely helpful.)

It always feels like kind of an honour when people write their first posts on a thread I've made, no matter what forum I'm on, so thanks to you as well, and I'm glad you're enjoying the story . I haven't seen any playthroughs of KS, to be honest, so I'm not familiar with MillBee's that you mentioned, though that's just me I suppose. I said this before as well, truth be told, but I found it hard to write pretty much every scene where Hanako cracks, especially since as I mention above I try to get into the character's mindset and try to feel exactly as they would be feeling (which usually helps me in determining both emotion and motive for later events and actions). It's kind of why I rushed through getting two chapters out in a similar way within a few days, when it's normally been weeks between updates. It's also why I've put off writing the next chapter for over a month.

To be entirely fair, I have had other stuff as well. I work full time and my company is sending me back to university on day release to do a post-grad course, which I've had to spend time sorting out this month. It doesn't account for most of my free time so far though, and I think a large part of it has been a mixture of not wanting to willingly go back to that mindset that I have to be in to write these chapters accurately, and a worry that whatever I write won't match the quality (small errors and various imperfections aside) of previous chapters. I set myself a target last weekend though, that whatever happened I would have a new chapter uploaded within a week, so feel free to send me angry mail if I haven't got a new chapter up by Saturday night (UK time of course)...

[Trivun]

By the way, can anyone guess the inspiration behind the latest chapter titles, and how they tie in to the story and its themes: For reference, the titles of the past four chapters are, in order:

Halcyon
Roots Before Branches
Dissonant Serenity
Nothing Left To Say

[Trivun]

This is the final chapter for this particular path, apologies for it being so long in the coming. It was pretty tough to write, and not in the technical sense. Hopefully you won't be waiting too long for the next chapter, the start of the next thread

Act 4 – Chapter Two, First Branch: What Must We Do To Restart?

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, I wonder how everyone would get along if I were to just disappear. As if I'd never existed, which wouldn't be too far wrong for a lot of people at this damn school. My door is locked, my pillow stained with tears that refuse to fall any more. My heart has broken over and over again and I can't avoid thinking about the irony, no matter how much I desperately want to withhold from keeping him in my head. My only ally has abandoned me, and even then she would be of little use. Everyone who tries to help me just wants to use me, either for their career or their own sense of self worth and importance, or some foolish romantic notion that they can make me better when really all they're serving is their own selfish need to appear good, to appear as though they care about those less fortunate than they are. It makes me sick but I can't even bring myself to do that, my body is so empty. Of food, of water, of feeling, of caring.

I have nothing left.

The door knocks, and I turn away. Is he really here, today of all days? Has he really stooped so low as to disturb my peace, the only peace I've had for days or weeks or ever since my life went so far downhill, and to try and 'fix' me? I can't imagine what must be going through his mind as I ignore his overture so pointedly and so deliberately.

The knocking continues briefly then stops. He tries the door, no luck. Can he not get a hint? A voice calls out, one that I grew to love, once. One that I've now grown to dread.

“Hanako...”

He pauses. Maybe he knows that I'm shutting him out, and the world with him, but he doesn't give a damn. He keeps trying, though surely he must know the pain it's causing? Nothing but a selfish desire to make me better, as if I need to be fixed, like I'm some broken doll that's so close to breaking apart and shattering into a thousand ceramic splinters. Her 'gift' is a stark contrast to how they make me feel.

“Um...” the hateful sound continues. “I don't know if you can hear me, but...” A pause. “I just want to talk to you a bit. If you can hear me, could you unlock the door?”

I drag it out for as long as I can, knowing that his stubbornness will force his victory, but willing to show I can be as stone too. Our games of chess are forgotten, the aspects of our nature laid bare despite the too-thin panel of timber between us. After minutes have passed, seeming like hours, I finally pick one leg up and swing it out of bed. I don my nightgown slowly, no longer caring about my modesty but refusing to show him my scars, both outwardly and inwardly.

I finally turn the bolt and remove my last vestige of security, knowing that I'll regret this but unable to force the problem away any more. Am I really so naive, so self destructive, that I'll go through this again? Am I so pathetic that despite everything I still want to see his face, to hear his voice and to try and reclaim what might have been (but which I know could never have, would only have driven me further into my despair as the betrayal would have hurt me so much more)? Even when my mind is telling me no, is begging me to hold and to keep him away, my heart is telling me yes, and the irony hits home yet again.

As I play with the lock, still fighting with myself to make a choice, unwilling to open (and secretly hoping it will break, trapping me away from him),he speaks again through the wood. “I... I don't really know what to say, but... I just wanted to see you. I wanted to make sure you're alright.”

That's the breaking point, the words that make me want to refuse entry once and for all. It's too late, however. I've already stepped back and sat down; the handle is already turning, the door opening and a further feeling of dread creeping over me as I ponder what new mistake I've now made.

He crosses the threshold and I look away, refusing to meet his eye. We stay like that for a moment, too brief to my mind, until eventually he catches mine and I quickly rise on bare feet to face him directly.

“Wh-what are you...?” I meet his daring with a mix of anger and the sorrow I still feel, present still even as my tears refuse to show. Let him explain himself, if he even cares enough to. If he can bring himself to show me the respect that I so desperately crave yet can't ever bring myself to ask for...

“I... I just wanted to check that you were all right. I thought it would be okay, since you unlocked the door.”

I open my mouth then close it, not feeling confident enough to make the retort I want. I unlocked it, yes, and maybe I knew that he would take it as an invitation of entry. It still didn't give him the right to just walk in. A sign of arrogance, or lack of empathy, another display of just how little he really cares, despite his protestations to the contrary.

What am I really thinking? My mind is all over the place, a jumbled mess of contradictions. I can barely hold it together, I know that soon I'll be at the breaking point.

I look down, and in the corner of my eye I see him walking towards the desk, slowly, deliberately. He keeps his eyes fixed on me, as he sits down carefully on the single chair. I wait for him to speak; I'm not kept for long.

“Want to go out somewhere? Going down the hill to town might be a bit much, but we could at least go for a walk outside.”

I can't understand his intentions, save that he seems fixed on getting me to act normally, to act as if I don't have any kind of problem. He's still trying to repair the broken facade, not realising it's much deeper than that. “Why... do you want to do that?”

“I was just thinking that it might help you a bit. You spend so much time inside, your skin's going to get as pale as Lilly's before long.” I was right then, he still thinks I need his help to be made better. He laughs a little, more a snort than anything remotely attractive, which I refuse to reciprocate, staring down again.

“If you don't want to go...” I start, “I-I don't want to go either.” My former feelings towards him, still plainly evident. I try my very best to push them down, to smother anything I felt for him in the layers of despair currently engulfing me.

I still refuse to let the tears show.

He doesn't give up. “It's fine. I played soccer and hung out with friends after school a lot before coming to Yamaku, so I like being outdoors.” My silence is all I give him, though it seems like he's slightly rubbing it in, that socially speaking he had so much when I've always had so little. “We could go to the library... uh, if it wasn't closed by about now. The gardens would be fine, though.”

I try and distract myself from the worst of the thoughts that are threatening to rise up inside me, and start to fiddle with my hair. He looks strangely at me, then leans forward with a smile. I can't see what there is to smile about though.

“There wouldn't be anyone around by now, so you wouldn't have to worry about someone getting in our way. It could be a little date or something.”

He laughs again, a softer one this time, but his words have shocked me. I grip the bed as tightly as I can and it's all I can do to stop a gasp or a small cry of frustration from emerging. I start to speak under my breath, but I can barely understand what words are forming, the disconnection between the parts of my mind is so severe.

“Hanako?”

“You... don't understand...” He has no idea how I felt, how much I would have wanted that, if only he'd done it when the time mattered, when it was right. If only he'd understood just how badly I wanted this, and how much he hurt me when he refused before. How much I hate myself for still wanting it despite the betrayal.

“I told you, it's fine. It's just a little walk, nobody'll notice us.” He gets up and walks to the door, turning his head to me. I wish he was leaving completely, but as he looks at me I know the intention is for me to follow.

“I don't...”

He cuts me off before I can finish my half-formed sentence. “Going outside for a bit is good for clearing your head.” He's pushing further and further, reaching those boundaries that will eventually make me break...

“Why do you... want to do this...”

“Because I want to help you.” Didn't I make myself clear in all the times we've been together like this? Evidently not, but then I already know that. My key failing, and now it's come down to a confrontation I really don't want.

“I don't... want... help.” I answer him shakily. “Did you just come here... to try and get me out...?” I already know the answer.

“I don't mind. I think everyone needs help sometimes. When I was trying to get through my first days at Yamaku, you and Lilly helped me a lot.” He doesn't understand, he doesn't have any idea how much this hurts. He doesn't care that our circumstances are so different, that he has never had to suffer the way I have suffered, and I find myself right on the very edge. “Besides,” he goes on, “I'm not exactly busy.”

“I don't w-want to go. I'm... fine.” I know he won't believe a word but I need him to understand!

“I don't really think it's healthy to stay indoors that long. The sun's still got a little life in it, so it's not too late to have at least a little walk. I could probably use a little exercise anyway, to help wake me up. I've got some homework to get done, and it wouldn't be good to fall asleep halfway through doing it.”

“Then... go.” I finally give him a direct order to leave. If he has homework then surely that's more important than coming here trying to force his way into my life, trying to force a recovery that I don't want from him.

He doesn't listen. “By myself?” I nod curtly, just once. “Well,” he replies, “I'm not really against that, but... are you sure? I swung by to invite you to come with me.” An invitation that you made, and that I refused. Surely so clear an answer can be followed without issue?

“I'm fine. You can go.” I try to force a degree of serenity into my voice, to remain calm despite how close I am now to breaking point.

“Come on, just a small walk.” He perseveres.

“Please, just go. I-I'm fine here.” The stammer returns and I feel the cracks showing. Surely he knows how hard this is?

“...Hanako?” My face is just a stone slab, I know that a single movement will be the final straw and that I won't be able to hold any of it in any longer. “Well, if you want to stay here... maybe we could play a game?”

I keep telling him and he keeps pushing, keeps refusing to take the most obvious clues and even the direct commands, no matter how may times I repeat them. Does he expect me to just change my mind and decide to succumb, bending to his will like a leaf on the wind, as if I have no feelings nor strengths of my own? They're rising higher and higher, forcing against my natural instincts to hide away, just waiting to finally burst... “Just leave. Please. I don't... want to do anything right now.”

“Surely there's something you want to do. It must be boring, sitting here in your room alone.”

I tell him yet again what I want. “I want you to go.”

“Come on, you don't have to be like that. I just want to spend some time with you. Lilly and I are worried, so...” I stiffen even more, as if that were possible, at her name. They're both involved in this?

“You... talked to her?” Yet another betrayal!

He finally seems to stumble, but only a little. “Uh... yeah. We were... on the phone, just a little while ago. We're both really worried about you.”

Just leave, go away, let me be alone, just go, just go, just go, just go please just fuck off Hisao!

“Hanako...?”

“I'm telling you... please, go away. You don't understand anything...”

He tries again, heeding absolutely nothing. “If we just had a talk, you could tell me what I don't understand. I just want to protect you, I don't really see...” That's it, you don't understand because you won't listen when I tell you, you just hide it inside a corner of your mind and disregard it as everyone else disregards me and I'm sick of it! I try to keep calm but it's becoming harder and harder and my thoughts constantly betray my emotions...

“Get... out, p-please...” A broken record. Broken.

“Just locking yourself in your room again isn't going to help anything, Hanako. Please...” Just listen to me for once!

There's another silent moment, broken yet again by constant pleading. “Hanako, I just want to help you...”

I can't take this any more! Before I know what I'm doing I rise to my bare feet and finally look him in the eyes. “Get out of my room, get out of my room, get out of my room...!” He stands stunned, not a single sound escaping from his lips. His feet remain where they are, he still can't get the damn message even now! “Leave! I'm telling you, go!”

“B-but... I was just trying to... help you...” His voice is quieter but I just don't care anymore, I don't care I just want him gone, he will never understand and he will never feel anything for me but pity and I just cannot take this any more, I need him to go, to leave me now and forever!

“I know I need help! I know I'm broken! I don't need you to tell me that!” As I continue with the full force of my pent up frustrations, finally given an outlet, I realise at least part of that is a lie, but by now I just don't care any more.

“I never said you were broken, or anything like that!”

“It's written on your face, it's written on Lilly's face, it's written on everybody's faces!” I continue on unable to stop, but by now I don't want to. He never understood when I tried to explain, he never gave a single damn when I wanted to actually spend time with him, now he feels as if he can just decide when and what I do with him, it's his turn to feel worthless, to feel small, to know that life is not perfect!

“I see a therapist every week, Lilly dotes on me as if I were her child, and now... even you! Nothing's changed, nothing at all! I hate Lilly, and I... I hate you more than anyone...!” As the words leave my mouth I know I can't take them back, nor do I want to. I finally feel free to say and do what I want, as if I matter, though I know it's come at such a high cost.

I don't care.

“Go! Leave me alone! Get out of here!” He finally gets the hint, and slowly edges back, keeping his eyes fixed on mine, step by step until he finally reaches the door. His hand touches the handle and opens it, as he gives me one final look before he leaves. I don't want him here again. I don't want to see him again, nor Lilly. I hope they're happy.

I know I'm not.

As the futility of everything comes into focus, as I realise how far things have come, I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. I want the tears to come but there's nothing left, I can't even muster the energy to cry. I'm utterly spent. We are broken.

The nightmares come again, and for the first time, I embrace them. I know in my heart, my empty, fragile heart, that the first time won't be the last.

[AntonSlavik020]

That was difficult to read, I can only imagine how hard it was to write. At least that's over with now.