Easy Way Out
The gentle but determined banging on my door announces both Miki's arrival and the beginning of another day. I don't really want to greet either at the moment though, I'd much rather cling to the bits of my dream that slowly melt and ebb away from me. I plea for them to come back, Hisao was here with me and everything was so nice and... in fact, I can still feel his warmth next to me. Maybe I'm having one of my waking hallucinations, but those are usually a lot less pleasant. Like... like the floor will start falling away, or it turns into lava, or my bed is covered in spiders. Spiders! No, no way. I don't want spiders, I want Hisaos.
The knocking on my door grows louder. “Come on Suzu, wake... wake up.” Miki's voice calls sleepily. She sounds like she could stand to take her own advice.
“Come back tomorrow.” I reply, and then nuzzle my face back into my pillow. I must still be half asleep myself, because I could swear that there's someone lying beside me. In fact. Wait. Did I just hear a groaning noise?
I cautiously open one eye to glance at the space next to me in the bed, and sure enough, I'm not alone.
“Waugh!” I yelp, instinctively flinching backwards. ...But I'm used to having the whole bed to myself, so I was closer to the edge than I thought. I wind up rolling off and landing on my floor with a dull thud.
“Suzu? Everything okay?” Miki calls again.
“J-just fine! I'm getting up!” I squirm a little on the pile of stuffed animals and empty water bottles that broke my fall. A boy's face, bleary-eyed, his hair poking out in all directions, appears over the side of my bed. He looks very confused. I guess I got what I wanted, I just wasn't expecting it, at all.
“Why are you still here?” I whisper hurriedly, feeling my face begin to grow hot.
“Sorry, I...” Hisao peers down at me, looking both embarrassed and disoriented. “I guess it was really late last night by the time we got here, and I was tired and...”
“...and your bed is really comfy.” He says, smiling apologetically.
As tired as I am, I can't help but grin back at him. A comfy bed is a narcoleptic girl's closest friend. “It's the best. You have good taste.”
He looks like he's about to reply when I hear the clicking of a key entering the lock on my door. “C'mon Suzu, I need to take a shower.” Miki's says. Hisao and I exchange panicked looks.
Freak out! Okay wait no, don't freak out. We've got this. I'm sneaky. Freak out gently.
“Quick, get under the bed!” I whisper. He gives me a look that says “really?”, but there's no time to argue. Hisao climbs off the bed and, shoving aside pillows and the other debris on my floor, slides out of sight. “I found 5000 yen.” He mumbles a moment later.
Oh hey, that's where--“Shh!” I climb to my feet just as the door opens.
“Are you up ye--oh.” Miki stares at me through heavily lidded eyes, still clad in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. “You're already dressed?”
I realize that I was still wearing my uniform when I passed out last night, but if I had woken up wearing anything else, now THAT would have been cause for concern.
“Yep. Yeah.” I nod vigorously. “Up and at 'em, right?”
“...right.” Miki squints at me for a few moments, one eyebrow slightly raised. I can see the gears working in her head, I just hope it's still early enough that they're not moving very fast yet. I seem to be in luck though, as she shrugs.
“Alright then. I gotta take a shower, see you in a bit?”
“Okay.” I offer what I hope is a sincere smile, and she waves casually as she turns to head back down the hall. I tiptoe to my door and watch her retreat, just in case. After she disappears from sight, I gently close the door and then turn around.
“It's safe, you can come out now.”
Hisao struggles through the obstacles on my carpet, but eventually manages to get out from underneath the bed.
“Sorry about that.” He says, dusting himself off as he rises to his feet.
“It's okay. Things happen when you... when you party sleepy.” I yawn, and then glance back at my bed longingly. What time is it? Maybe I can budget in five more minutes. Actually, of course I can. Five minutes doesn't mean the difference between life and death, I can show up five minutes late to class and it won't be a big deal. It won't even be that unusual, actually. Yeah, sounds like a plan, let's...
“Hey, don't go back to sleep on me.” Hisao gently touches my shoulder, and I turn my sleepy gaze on him.
“I need you to escort me safely out of here.” He says.
“But... but...” I look from him to my bed. “But it's still warm...”
“Come on.” He grins. “What if the feminists get me on my way out? I need you to protect me.”
“Oh no, the feminists. The feminists can...” Lights are going out in my head. I start to slump forward, but he catches me and wraps me into a hug. His body pressed against mine is probably about as warm as my bed is, come to think of it. But I doubt he would be willing to hold me like this for five minutes.
“I thought you were still mad at Kenji.” I mumble into his shoulder.
“I am. But you have insider knowledge that could be the difference between life and death.”
“So now... now you think I'm one of them?”
“If you were, this would be the perfect time to interrogate you, wouldn't it? But I want you awake.” He says.
“Prove it...” I hope he takes the hint. I don't know how good he is with hints.
Turns out, he's not too terrible at it. Hisao pulls away from the hug, leaning back to look down into my eyes. Go, sleepy feminine charms. Go, go.
Yes. He gently lowers his head until our lips meet, and we kiss, standing there in my room, surrounded on all sides by soft clutter. You would think this might get boring, after all, we just did this last night. Or... or I'm pretty sure we did anyway. But it doesn't, that now familiar, warm sensation spreads from my face to settle somewhere deep in my chest. I can feel myself beginning to wake up, and this is the best way I could possibly think of to do so.
We part after a few moments, and I pull him back into a hug.
“Can I keep you?” I ask.
Hisao chuckles, the vibrations moving from his body to mine. “You couldn't afford me on a full-time basis.” He says.
“So I'll... I'll get a job. I'll be a...” My mind was going somewhere in the direction of doing deliveries, but then I remember.
“People with narcolepsy can't drive.” I mumble, the thought diminishing my otherwise bright mood.
“I'm sure it's overrated anyway.” Hisao says, resting his head on my shoulder. “Lucky for both of us, all I need right now is for you to smuggle me out of here.”
“Like you're contraband?” We gently pull apart, and I smile at him. Maybe I could be a criminal, after all, they have a dedicated person to do the driving and I could just be there for support. I'm not much for long-term planning though, so I couldn't be the brains of the operation. I would... I would just end up being the hired muscle. And I'm scrawny. So that's out the window. Who throws things out of windows, anyway? Besides, I'm a superhero, I can't be a criminal. It doesn't work like that.
“I can be contraband, if need be.” Hisao chimes in, seeing me start to grow distracted. “But we can worry about that later. I have pills to take, remember?” He winces a tiny bit at that last part, and I can tell he's not quite to the point where he can easily joke about it yet. But he's trying, and that's good to see.
“Right, you're right. Like a million of them.” I frown, the memory of seeing his nightstand last night, and the conversation that came after, all coming back to me.
“The actual number is closer to a million and fifteen.” He replies, and I break into a grin. He's definitely trying to get better at it.
“Then let's get you on the road. Come on, follow me. And stay low.”
We successfully manage to sneak through the girls' dorms, creeping through the doors and into the warm morning air.
“Speaking of feminists.” I say. Hisao turns to look at me. He's visibly more relaxed now that we're out of harm's way, although I really doubt we were in any danger to begin with. A boy in the girls' dormitory in the mornings isn't automatically some sin that will get him kicked out of school. The night staff are even willing to make exceptions sometimes, depending on the circumstances. Heck, even if Miki had found him there, she would have been more intrigued than upset. But I just can't deal with things like that in the mornings.
“The donations for the book drive are still in your room.” After my talk... per say... I mean... after Shizune and I communicated, there, yeah. After our communication yesterday, I don't really feel like inspiring her wrath any time soon.
“Right, I'll grab them and drop them off in the student council room before class.” Hisao nods.
“Thanks.”
“Don't mention it. I'm in the literature club too after all. And besides,” he grins as we reach the top of the steps that lead down and towards the rest of the school grounds. “I owe you for getting me out of there alive.”
“Oh yeah?” I move to punch him in the arm but he intercepts, gently grabbing my fist. I relax my hand, and our fingers interlock. I almost shiver at his touch, I think I'm enjoying this too much. It all feels strange and new, and it's exciting but scary at the same time, like your birthday. Birthdays are supposed to be great, but anything bad that happens is automatically ten times worse, because you should be having a good time. One minute everything's incredible, and the next your parents are cutting your hair and telling you that you can either never have candles on your cake again or become much better at blowing them out.
Where was I? Oh, right. Hisao. Hand in mine. Here, next to me. It. Feels. Great. But I'm scared, too. We slept in the same bed last night, even though it was an accident. What if things move too fast? What if I wind up out of my depth, or he gets bored of me? Then I would just be like I was before, alone, but even more aware of it. I don't want that. But. But if I give up now because I'm too afraid, that will only guarantee the worst, won't it? That's the only surefire way for things to go wrong.
“You worry too much.” Hisao says, and my eyes are drawn back from nowhere to meet his.
“Huh?” Was I talking out loud? Oh man, I hope I wasn't.
“Whatever it is you're thinking about. You worry too much.” He gives me a smile--that smile, that smile. Damn that smile. It's like a secret weapon, it draws me in. I can't get enough of it.
I want to see it more and more, maybe every day even. I want to hold his hand in mine some more, and yes, maybe even enjoy waking up next to him more too. But just, pre-planned next time. So yes, I want there to be a next time. Lots of them, actually.
Lots and lots.
“Are you a wizard?” I ask, feeling my fears and insecurities slowly beginning to crumble away.
“No ma'am.” Hisao replies. “Just a boy who likes to watch sleeping girls.”
“That's creepy!” I laugh, and he shrugs, looking a little embarrassed but still smiling. I guess his smooth streak has run out, but he certainly has his moments. Maybe if I stick around they'll show up more and more often.
“I really do have to go, though, if I'm going to get those books to the student council room in time.” He says.
“Oh, right. Okay.” I nod. Hisao gives my hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it, and he turns to head down the staircase.
“I'll see you in class, okay?” He looks back at me, and I nod again.
“Count on it.” I flash him a smile that I can only hope comes close to measuring up to his.
I watch him for a few seconds, and then, just as I'm about to turn around to go back inside so I can start preparing for the day, I freeze in my tracks.
This is the part where Miki appears out of nowhere behind me. I know it. I'm going to turn and see her there, hands... hand... on her hips, giving me that head-tilted, cheeks-puffed look. And then, then I'm going to have to pretend to pass out in order to get out of explaining things again.
I stare at the hard concrete steps below me. Maybe that's not such a good idea. In that case, I would have no escape at all then. This is bad.
...Still nothing. Maybe... maybe I'm in the clear. Maybe Miki just took a nice hot shower, and isn't about to either be irritated at me for hiding Hisao from her or wrap me up in a hug and talk about how proud she is that her little Suzu is having boys over to stay the night. I can see it going either way, to be honest. And it's too early in the morning for both of those.
I decide to just bite the bullet--would you get lead poisoning from that?--and turn around. But when I do, Miki is nowhere to be seen, just the few other students who are headed out to school a little early for one reason or another.
Maybe today is my lucky day. Eager to get away from the hard stairs behind me, I make my way back inside.
Today is not my lucky day.
“Now class,” Mutou drones as he hands each row a stack of papers to take. “During homeroom, we're going to be taking a brief survey.”
The students greet the announcement, and the ensuing paper, with mild stoicism. As long as it's not actual work, it could always be worse I guess. Or at least, that's what I think, until I get my copy and glance across the page.
It's a career survey, one of those “what kind of things do you enjoy doing”, “on a scale of zero to five, how much do you agree with...” kinds of things.
My mind goes blank.
“Graduation is sneaking up on us, and even though there's still some time until summer vacation, it's the duty of the teachers here at Yamaku to help you prepare for your eventual transition into adult society.” Mutou continues. He sounds like he believes it, but he still doesn't like using canned speeches like this. Then again, he's not really one for speeches at all unless they're about wavelengths and ratios or things like that.
“Please take a few minutes to fill out the questionnaire, and I'll collect it before first period begins.”
Graduation? Adult society? That's a joke, right? He's joking. He has to be. Or, or maybe I'm dreaming. Maybe I'm lying face-first in the grass somewhere, or even at the bottom of the stairwell. I would honestly prefer that to this.
I stare at the rows of questions and little bubbles for me to rate how much the idea of addressing someone's spiritual needs or selling new products appeals to me. How interested am I in fixing office equipment? In working for the government? In maintaining parks or wildlife reserves? I... I...
I can't help it. I look at all these questions, and the only thing that comes to my mind is:
“Your turn, Suki.”
Right, no. This isn't happening, I'm not dealing with this right now. I know how to handle this.
My head meets my desk with a thump, a little louder than I was going for. A little more painfully, too. But no one says anything, it's completely normal for me to have a sleep attack during class. Okay. Oh, the cleverness of me, now I can...
Amidst the sounds of paper rustling and pencils scribbling, I hear footsteps coming from the head of the class. No.
A hand lightly touches my shoulder. No, no. “Wake up, Suzuki.” Mutou says, gently but firmly. “This is important.”
No, no, no.
I... I guess it's good that he at least knows my name now. Reluctantly, I open my eyes, take a deep breath, and engage full lie mode. I hate doing this, every part of me hates it, but it's a self-defense mechanism, and one I need right now. I can't do this. I won't. I won't.
“Thanks.” I smile at him, and he gives an awkward half-smile back as he returns to his desk. Miki shoots me a “welcome back” grin to my right, and Lezard glances at me curiously to my left, but I'm counting the seconds in my head. Okay... okay. About now should be good.
Pushing my chair back, I stand up from my desk. Now I'm sure that most of the class is watching me, I can't remember the last time I made anything resembling a scene like this. But it's almost over.
“Teacher, I don't feel well. I'm going to see the nurse.” Not even waiting for his response, I begin walking towards the door.
“Wait, Suzuki, do you--” But I'm out, and I close the door behind me. I don't need someone to go with me. If I fall asleep and hurt myself on the way there, I'll just have an excuse to go to the nurse's office for real.
I want to breathe a sigh of relief, but I know I'm not clear yet, not until I get further away from the classroom. Miki might come after me, and I need to get out of sight. I begin to carefully make my way down the stairs, mindful of my injured knee.
Sorry, Miki. I didn't even check to see if there was a write-in option for “sidekick”.
The nurse looks up from his computer, mug of coffee in one hand, as I trudge through the door.
“Good morning, Suzuki.” He says, flashing that ever present grin of his. “You're usually not quite so vertical when you pay me a visit.”
I mumble the same halfhearted excuse I gave to Mutou, and immediately make my way to the adjoining room, pulling the curtain closed behind me.
“We'll talk later then, I guess. Get some rest!” The nurse calls after me, deciding not to press the issue. I take a seat on the infirmary bed, swing my legs over the side, and get comfortable. I probably just have to be here long enough to miss the rest of homeroom, but if I ended up sleeping most of the day away, it wouldn't really bother me at this point. As long as I didn't dream about...
Laying on my side, I stare at the boring, plain walls of the infirmary. This room is intended for examinations and giving students some relaxation time, so there aren't any of the cheesy, educational posters that adorn the walls of the nurse's main office. I almost wish there were, because suddenly, the idea of sleeping appeals to me a lot less.
When was the last time I went to that room, that tiny little space inside my head? It's been a while, almost a whole week, I think. It feels like longer than that.
I don't want to go back. I thought we were done, but dreams never play by the rules. Things come back when you least expect them to, when it's the last thing you need. Is anything ever really finished? Is anything ever really put to rest?
I don't want to go back. I don't need this. I wish I was still in my bed, in my room. I wish I was still lying next to Hisao, even if I didn't realize it.
Hisao... I wonder if he's worried about me. Should he be? I don't want him to be. I just want to forget any of this even happened, I just want the career survey and the talk about graduation and growing up and moving on to go away. Because, because. Because I...
On the other side of the curtain, I hear the sound of the door opening. The nurse is greeting someone, but I don't get to hear who. My eyelids close against my will, and I'm whisked away.
The next instant, I'm staring up at a summer night's sky, brilliantly lit up by a hundred million suns and stars. I think I've had this dream before, last night even. But this time, instead of laying down, I'm sitting back-to-back with someone else.
The body touching mine is cold.
“Beautiful, isn't it?” A voice says softly. A voice I wish wasn't so familiar. I try to suppress a shudder that rolls through my body, but it's beyond me.
“I told you you would come back.” Death says.
The sound of the curtain being drawn in the infirmary is as close to the scream of anguish and frustration that I can't bring myself to form. I bolt forward, sitting upright in a flash. My eyes are wide, I can feel myself beginning to sweat.
The nurse is standing there, a few papers in one hand. He frowns at me.
“By 'get some rest', I don't think this is what I meant.” He says.
“S-sorry, I...” I glance around at every corner of the room, looking for skeletons, or, or board games or things like that. I wait a few seconds, feeling my breathing return to normal, making sure that I'm not about to go back or that this isn't some elaborate hallucination. Okay. Okay, I. I'm awake.
“Suzuki.” The nurse's gentle voice recaptures my attention. “Have you been feeling well lately?”
I nod. I have, that's the worst part. This whole week has been great. Spending more time with Hisao, getting closer to him and finding out more about him, everything has been going so well. And then this happens, and I'm...
Am I back to square one?
Am I going to start seeing that thing again, every day, in my dreams? I was finally starting to feel like I had some control over my life, for the first time in...
“Hey now.” The nurse places a hand on my shoulder, smiling at me reassuringly. I hadn't noticed, but I guess I look like I'm about to cry. I guess I feel like I'm about to cry.
“I may only be in charge of my students' physical health, but you know that you can tell me anything, Suzuki.” He says, his usual, mysterious grin instead looking warm and confident. It... it reminds me of Hisao's smile, almost. And how he says I worry too much. I guess he wants me to be happy, and, and the nurse does too, and I know that Miki does, and...
I would expect the nurse to grow disheartened as tears begin to spill down my cheeks, but he only takes a step closer and begins to gently massage my shoulder.
“The school has people you can talk to, Suzuki.” He says calmly, soothingly. “People who are trained to answer any questions you might have, and won't judge you no matter what you say.”
“Thanks, but I...” Sniffling, I wipe my eyes. I think I've already seen enough counselors already.
“W-what's that?” I point at the papers that the nurse still has in his other hand.
“Oh, this?” He takes a step back. He seems to have dealt with enough distraught teenagers to know not to press people into decisions at times like this.
“Mikado and Hakamichi dropped this off for you. It's...” It's the career survey. He glances at the sinking expression on my face and then quickly shifts gears. “...it's nothing at all, really. Just a simple little thing that some people find useful. We all have our own ways to find our path forward.”
With a bright grin, he deposits the papers in a nearby trash can, and I can't help but smile as I wipe the last of my tears away. I'm glad I came here. The nurse is just another person in my life that I should be more grateful to have.
Maybe, maybe he's right. The career survey isn't a big deal, it doesn't matter at all. And Hisao thinks I worry too much, well, I do. But right now, there's nothing to worry about. I can go back to just living day by day. To just... just living. Just being alive.
“It's been a little while since you've stopped by.” The nurse says, peering at me conspiratorially, a cheerful smile on his face. “Perhaps you've found someone willing to carry you up the stairs as opposed to dropping you off here?”
I laugh at his good-natured jab, and I can feel my mood improving. “Maybe.” I say.
The nurse nods. “Well, since I have you here anyway, why don't we take a look at that knee of yours, see how it's healing up?”
“Erm.” I frown, but he's already walking back to his desk and fishing around for a file. My file. It's fairly thick, I wish I could see what's inside.
“Now, Suzuki. Have you been stretching and icing properly?” He asks as he thumbs through the pages.
“Maaaybe?” Maybe is pushing it. I, uh, haven't. But he doesn't need to know that.
“Only maybe?” The nurse frowns, setting aside my file and thrusting his hands into his pockets.
“...Yeah.” I might actually be a little lazy when it comes to things like that. But it doesn't hurt most of the time, so it must be okay, right? And it has been getting better. So what's the big deal? I've hurt myself before, I've even broken bones before.
“Suzu.” Uh oh, switching to first names now. That's not fair, I don't remember his first name. “An injury to the patella like yours requires proper follow up treatment to ensure that it heals correctly. And if you don't take the time to do this, I can't guarantee that you won't need surgery should you fall on it again.”
I squirm a little on the infirmary bed, subconsciously reaching down with one hand to to stroke my sore kneecap. He's a master at both reassuring and guilt-tripping people, it seems.
“Promise me that you'll make an effort? For both our sakes?” He smiles at me again, reverting back to his usual honeyed approach.
My fingers hit a particularly sore spot on my knee, sending a small shock of pain up my leg. “Okay, okay, I promise.” I reply, wincing.
“Good.” The nurse's smile widens into a pleased grin.
“Now then, let's take a look, I'm sure you've already missed quite a bit of class. Raise your leg for me? Carefully, now.”
He has me do a series of simple tests, slowly swiveling and pivoting my knee in a few different directions. When that's over, he gives me a clean bill of health, and reminds me again to stretch my leg every morning and press my kneecap with ice at night. As he's putting away my file, a thought strikes me.
“Um...” This might be my best chance to ask some questions that have been bugging me since last night.
“What do you know about arrhythmia?” I mumble. The nurse looks at me in confusion for only the shortest moment, before a sly grin spreads across his face.
“What an interesting thing to ask.” He's positively beaming now. “So perhaps the rumors are true after all.”
“What rumors?”
“Miss Miura may have mentioned a few things on her last visit to my office.” He winks at me. “But nothing too scandalous, I assure you.”
Miki! I wail inwardly. She's not the type to spill my deepest secrets to anyone, but she just can't stop herself from spreading gossip sometimes. I'm sure she said something stupid, like...
“What kind of things?” I narrow my eyes.
“She just talked about a pair of star-crossed lovers that she knew, one of them who had arrived at the school not too long ago and the other who, quote, 'sleeps all damn day'.” He winks at me again, and I let out a long sigh. She'll pay for this. I say that, but I don't mean it. It's almost nice to have a little bit of spotlight for once, especially if it's nothing really embarrassing. Or, or bad.
“Still, Suzuki.” The nurse shrugs. “Arrhythmia is a quite a varied condition, with many different degrees of severity and required treatments. I'm afraid that saying anything too specific would be a breach of patient confidentiality.”
I guess that makes sense, but I make no effort to hide my disappointment. I just want to understand Hisao better. His disability might be something that's a lot easier to hide than mine, but he's been dealing with it all by himself for as long as he's been here. I want to help take some of that pressure off of him, if I can. Dreams or not, my life is brighter now than it was before he arrived. I want to return the favor.
The nurse softens the blow by telling me that the school library probably has everything I might need to know, and that I could always ask the young arrhythmia patient I may or may not be dating. Then he gently shoos me outside, demanding that I be careful on my way back to class. It's almost lunchtime by now, and I consider just waiting in the cafeteria for my friends to show up, but... the thought of sitting there and having everyone who walks in look at me is a little too much to take. Every person there would either think I had been slacking off, or that I'm one of those crazy people who gets there super early every day so they can have a shot at the best food.
So instead, I make my way back up to class 3-3, vowing to do some digging at the library the next time I get a chance. The lunch bell rings just as I get to the door, and a moment later it flies open.
The first one out is none other than my so-called star-crossed lover, Hisao. He looks at me in surprise.
“There you are.” He says, moving forward a little so the rest of the class can trickle out behind him. We only have a few more moments before the hallways are filled to the brim with hungry students.
“Are you okay?” He looks me up and down, it's embarrassing. But his concern is a relief. It's a good feeling, to have someone worry about you when you're gone. Not that I would leave just to get that reaction out of people, but it's nice to know.
“I'm fine, I...” I'm tempted to throw up some random excuse, but the nurse's humor has managed to shift me out of lie mode, and I don't want to to be dishonest with Hisao if I can avoid it.
“I'm just really tired.” I say at last, and it's the truth.
“Then come on.” Hisao smiles at me, reaching out to link his arm in mine. “I'm sure they have some great breads in the cafeteria that can double as pillows.”
“I thought that's what you were for.” I smile back as Miki appears at the door with the rest of the group, and we begin to ride the waves of people towards the stairs.
“Hmm... I guess I could be multipurpose like that.” Hisao pretends to look thoughtful as he subconsciously avoids bumping into anyone else. Now I finally understand why he does that, I guess I'm really starting to understand him better.
“A Swiss Army Hisao?” I giggle, arm in arm with him and resting my other hand on the staircase railing. Bring on the sleep. Bring on the skeletons. Maybe I can smuggle Hisao there with me. And if I can, I know that I can handle anything.
Later that day, I find myself at the track with Miki, trying to catch up on my homework in the waning rays of the sun while she gets in her daily laps. It's hard to focus on biology and remember to operate the stopwatch for her at the same time, but she doesn't seem to mind.
“Hey Suzu.” She says as she passes me, but she doesn't stop to talk, she just keeps bounding down the track. I watch her sleepily, this is not how a conversation works. She's fast but she's not quite that fast, by the time she reaches me again I can hardly remember the last thing she said.
“Hey Miki.” I yell ahead of her arrival, trying to boost our talking time.
“We have a.”
Another lap.
“Three day weekend.”
Every time she comes back around, I'm drooping a little more. Biology, from hell's heart, I stab at thee. That's from Moby Dick, I ended up just flipping through the last ten thousand pages or so looking for neat things.
“Coming up next week!” Now it's Miki who yells so she can hear my response in time. How many laps does that make today?
“Yup.” It seems like a waste of an opportunity and we both know it. Miki pouts a bit as she continues down the track.
She comes around again. “Any plans?” Miki turns her head to grin at me but still doesn't ease up, she's just starting to get into her groove, she's fired up. I'm just starting to wear a groove into the grass, I'm smoked out. I think.
Another lap. “Wake up!” She calls.
“Just stoooop.” I moan, losing my will to fight and lying down in the cool grass. I half expect her to taunt me and say something about her having to go fast, but she actually slows down, walking off the track to sit down next to me. She's panting slightly, her skin almost glowing in the late evening light. She looks so alive, and again I feel jealous that she has something to give her this sort of release. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own sleepy body. But... it's better than being in constant pain or something like that, I guess. I have all my bits. All my parts. I look normal. I just, I just sleep a lot, often when I don't want to. It could be worse. And hey, she actually stopped for me.
“Wake up.” She prods me again, argh. “So I was asking you, next weekend. Saturday and Monday off. Are you doing anything?”
I sprawl out, trying to get comfy on the cool grass. Maybe my textbook could serve as a--no, that's a terrible idea, this is a terrible textbook. I glare at it for a moment, then look back at Miki, who by now is laying down next to me, staring up at the darkening sky.
“My parents wanted me to come home for the weekend.” I say.
Miki glances at me and smiles, but it's not a happy one. “Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense.”
We lay there in silence for a few moments. “You can go back to running now if you want.” I say.
“No, hey, Suzu.” Miki sits up. “I'm sorry, I know you don't like going home. But they'll be happy to see you, right?”
“Yeah...”
“And maybe you can even bring Hisao along.” Always one to try to cheer me up. She winks at me.
“Actually, I was thinking maybe you could...”
“Nah, that's okay. I'm sure there's all kinds of trouble I could get into over a long weekend like that.” She cuts me off, waving her good hand in the air dismissively. The sensible thing to do right now would be to spend the time studying, but neither of us are really very good at that.
“Come on, bring him, it will be fun. He's a city-slicker, he'll probably have a heart attack when he sees more than a few trees.” She grins, and I can't help but laugh. Wait, heart attack, that's not funny at all. Does she know about his condition? Does everyone know but me? If I ask her, I risk accidentally revealing his deep dark secret. Suddenly, I'm a spy. Huh.
“And besides.” Her voice grows a little distant. “You haven't told him yet, have you?”
Still laying on my back in the grass, I turn my head to gaze back up at the few stars that have come out already. It reminds me of my dream in the nurse's office. Once again, a shiver passes through me.
“I haven't.” I say at last.
“Are you going to?” Miki asks carefully.
“Do I have to?”
“I think you should, yeah.”
I turn to look at her. She's staring back at me, her constant energy and enthusiasm gone.
“All of it?” My voice cracks a little.
“That's up to you, Snoozu.” She scoots closer along the grass and and wraps her arms around me. She's sweaty but I don't mind.
“You know I don't like that nickname.” I mumble as I snuggle a little closer.
“Sorry.” She ruffles my hair with her good hand, she knows I don't like that either! But it's okay for right now. Miki, Miki, I'm glad you're here. Miki, I'm scared, and I don't even need to tell you that because you already know. I don't deserve a friend like you. I don't... I don't deserve...
“Are you sure you can't come with me?” I ask. She laughs.
“I would only get in the way, trust me.” She gives me a firm squeeze. “This is something you're going to have to do on your own, Suzu.”
She's right. I can't expect to always have her to help me with all my problems for the rest of my li...
For the rest of...
“Miki?” I ask again, looking up at her as she holds me. “We have a long time until graduation, right?”
“Hm? Yeah, of course.” She glances down at me in surprise, before regaining her usual radiant smile. It lights up the darkening track, it chases all the shadows away, I could swear that the sun stops setting for a moment to admire her. My friend Miki, my best friend. With a smile like that, she and Hisao would probably go pretty well together. What does he want with me then? What do I have to offer?
And whatever it is, will he still want it after this?
“We've got loads of time, Suzu.” Miki says, giving me another squeeze. “All the time in the world.”
Artwork by
Doomish:
Goddammit.
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