I quite enjoy purple prose when it's done right. But I'm not sure this is one of those scenarios. Maybe that's the pot calling the kettle, but a lot of the sentences in this piece feel stilted and really off. It has it's salvageable moments:
she couldn't help but notice how the sun shone across it, making seem as if it was the first snow in a northern winter.
But more often than not, it falls short and simply comes off as jaring:
She felt his hand squeeze hers and with the last of his strength he whispered something...
"And so the silence falls...." His voice echoed, slowly drown out by the sound of her cries.
This serves to be a good example for another problem with this story, not only does it try to cramp too much into too little as Oddball mentioned, but it dramatically misses the mark for what could be quite a humbling end. Silver is some serious deus ex machina, not just in his insertion into the story, I don't mind that since the story is short, but in how simply perfect he apparently is. There's no conflict in this story, Silver appears and sweeps Shizune off of her feet - dying with poetic last words, when a more real ending, in my opinion, would have suited this story better. Considering how heavily romanticised the story is, there was a lot of potential for the author to subvvert that expectation and emphasise Shizune's fragility and strength of character. But no. Instead, Shizune is told he's dying, he sweeps her off of his feet, and then he dies. The piece would have benfited from either stretching the scenario out, or by humanising Silver a lot more - last words are rarely ever pretty and 'And so the silence falls...' takes the cake here. We have no reason to care about Silver, simply because he's not made real - he's Mr Perfect who's personality is charm and nothing else. A one dimensional man with a fittingly stupid death. What frustrates me about this is that Shizune's character is diminished by association, when the prior characterisation, I think, is mostly believeable.
That all being said, this had some good moments.
I really like the opening of the story, and some of the criticisims in the thread are, in my opinion, unjust. Mirage mentions that too many sentences start with 'she', but I think that showcases a misreading. The earlier section does, indeed, start with 'She' this and 'She' that, but I felt that this was most probably intentional and worked to the effect of making her life feel monitimous and autonomous; a point Shizune herself acknowledges as night becomes day and she works and then doesn't. There's some good potential in the story. Shizune is at a crossroads, where suddenly work doesn't mean everything; and even though it's told in a rushed manor, I like that she mostly remains a strong independent character whilst simultaneously being in love:
she was now the head of a successful political firm that helped politicians plan and complete their campaigns
Too many stories about Shizune involve her in some way 'weaking', but it's usually in a unsettling way, where Shizune is taught a lesson to 'not be such a bitch' as I've heard before. I don't think this story makes that mistake, (although, I think more could have been done to make this clear), Shizune remains
mostly strong, with vulnerability but not 'weakness'. Shizune's pragmatic nature shines through in the speed of their relationship, and whilst it's all quite rushed, her relationship with Silver doesn't appear to be a harmful one. I would have liked to have seen more of her competitive nature, and more of Shizune taking the initiative and not being 'easily won', but then, this is an ambitious short story that misses the mark by an acceptable margin.
All of this to say, I quite enjoyed the story even though it has plenty of short-commings. I would also add that the initial thread was probably deserving of some more detailed comments, and it's nice to see that commenting on this forum has become on the whole a more thoughtful and constructive process.
