Iwanako: Mean Time to Breakdown {updated 2015-4-1}

[griffon8]

Hmm, as the editor, I guess I should weigh in on this.

I'm with Helbereth on this: there isn't anything to spoil after the very beginning, so you have to use good writing to carry it. Surprise! You do.

If the surprise was more significant to the story beyond the opening, that would be different. I've seen stories here which depend on hiding who the narrator is for the whole story. Heck, I used it myself for part of my Shizune story. Really, a twist revealed as early as it is here doesn't register as possible to spoil to me.

[Mirage_GSM]

Hmm... When I wrote that entry I didn't even think that someone could consider this a spoiler.
For one thing, as you said, the thread title more or less spoils it already, for another, I don't think anything that happens in the first chapter of a novel can ever be considered a spoiler. It's like Harry Potter is really a wizard or Natsu is the Salamander or Earth is destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass or Ahiru is a duck or The submarine is trying to defect or Ed and Al tried to resurrect their mother or Frodo's ring is actually magical... *have... to... stop...*

I don't usually put a plot summary - if you can call it that - in the remarks section. Most of the time it would just be "Hisao and Hanako living together" which is really not all that useful as information. In case of a retelling from a different perspective or a divergence like this story, however, it is easy to write something short and concise that gives someone a pretty good idea what the story is about. Also, there are people who actively like or dislike this kind of story, (personally, I'm not too fond of retellings, while I love well written divergences like this one.) so it's actually useful information for someone deciding whether or not to read the story.

Of course, if you as the author decide to have it removed or spoilered that's your providence.

[Silentcook]

Well, I'll make a comparison, though perhaps not a good one.


I'm shopping for books. I go to the bookstore, arrive at the desired section and idly gaze at the shelves. I know that every book here belongs to the genre, but all I get to see are the spines, listing only title and author, in alphabetical order. There might be a few bestsellers on display, but even that only shows cover art and perhaps minimal one-line blurb.

If something catches my eye, I pull it out and check the dust jacket, or the back cover, or the preface. Usually I'll find some "eyecatch" text, more or less detailed, in one of those.

If I want to, I can open the book to any page I like - beginning, middle, or end, at random or by choice.


You are starting with your dust jacket already open. Pervert. >:3


By the way, I have no idea why browsing for books - and by extension, for fan fiction - very efficiently would even be a thing, but apparently it is since we now have the archive.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Bad Apple]

I know I'm way late on this, but "What if Iwanako got the heart attack instead of Hisao?" sounds like a solid elevator pitch to me. If fan fiction needed to be pitched in an elevator, which would be rather bizarre. This is a spoiler, at first, but then becomes the premise.

Take your sweet time, Leaty. We're not going anywhere. (And if anyone does, they weren't true fans in the first place! )

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[griffon8]

Yeah, sorry I wasn't faster on getting the edits done. If you could at the very least change all the instances of 'alright' to 'all right', I'd appreciate it.

Most of my free time has managed to disappear somewhere…

[Mirage_GSM]

Great chapter again!
It's nice to see someone putting some actual medical research into his story.
The only thing I thought was a bit much was Iwanako's reaction to the information that she probably had a concussion. She acted like it was a death sentence even before the doctor told her there might be complications with the medication she's been given. Not really much of an issue, though.

[Bad Apple]

Ah! I was wondering where this went. I figured a spell of writer's block was to blame, nothing more.

Wow, this has taken a Doomisher turn than I expected all things considered.

I like it.

You weren't kidding either. That was a long chapter to plow through. But I'm a slow reader, so take that with a grain of salt.

Between the beep-beep-beep of the EKG machine, Doctor Dickhead, her family's general 'in abstentia', Nurse, Mutou's lecture and her dear epicurean of a Mother I was almost expecting Iwanako to blow up... Almost.

I was expecting the usual, if predictable, uplifting moment near the end where she receives a genuine visitor --- there was some foreshadowing --- but really this works just as well

This one chapter hit home much as the previous hospital chapter when I first read it many months ago. KS fanfiction does have a habit of doing that, but still, excellently done.

I have a quite few things in mind that I'm looking forward to, but I'll be mostly privy about them in order not to preempt the next chapter and beyond.

And now, for some minutiae.

How many more times am I going to find myself carted off to a room like this? Was this time simply a misadventure, or does it forebode a more frequent series of misfortunes?

Was this a reference to a certain novel series or is the wording a coincidence?

If it wasn’t so frustrating, it would be fascinating how having a chronic medical condition affects the tone of every other mishap that can potentially affect one’s health. For example, I’ve been just barely able to resist the pressure to vomit since I wound up in the hospital. I’ve just now taken my nightly heart medications, which I need to survive. If I do vomit, does that mean I have to take my medications all over again? Am I increasing the risk that I could suffer a heart attack? If I have to take more pills, who pays for those? If I’ve metabolized some of the medication, but thrown up the rest, do I risk overdosing?

Maybe I’m overthinking things,

And here I thought I was the only one who did this.

Lastly, there was only one instance of the word 'alright' being used outside dialogue. Fix that and you're alright.

[Blasphemy]

I share the same sentiments as Mirage. This was the kind of hospital chapter I was hoping for but didn't expect to get.

Feels like you thought of pretty much everything. I was anticipating how all this would affect Emi (and Nurse) especially much, and you dealt with it nicely so far. Of course, while Iwanako is unaware of the closer relationship between Emi and Nurse, the audience understands why Nurse is so nervous and apologetic on phone. Emi killing someone due to her running-in-corridors antics must be one of his worst nightmares. This time Emi avoided the worst of course but still, a dire situation. Really liked the dialog of Nurse he, I cannot even imagine the amount of scolding Emi got for running there. After all it's such a simply—unfortunately also seemingly negligible—rule that, if neglected, can in rare cases cause major harm, especially in a school like Yamaku.

The whole prospect of Emi seriously injuring or even more or less directly killing another student this way actually got me quite interested when I read the previous chapter. Actually toyed with some ideas for another fan fiction that involves s.th. like this. There are just so many consequences to not just Emi, the "victim" and Nurse but also other students that there could be some interesting stuff to write about. However since I'm terrible at writing and haven't really written anything resembling a story since... forever really (maybe some stuff in high school counts) I'll read some more of the "Tips for fanfiction writers (that means YOU)" thread and other sources before I finally embarrass myself. Also, that was just one premise of many I've thought of so far.

Well, back to this chapter:
It really is looking rather bleak for Iwanako right now and encountering such an uncaring doctor when you're already so down, blergh. Her mother appearing less worried about her on top of that, Jesus...
Can't blame her for shutting herself off to others.

[Reese8]

It's not dead? It's not dead! Hooray!

Well, I'm afraid that I don't have any detailed commentary (and, um, ought to be working on homework at the moment instead of reading fanfiction), but I'm still quite interested to see what happens next. There are a lot of different potential plots branching out from this chapter.

[AntonSlavik020]

Great chapter, well worth the wait. I don't usually like it when characters have such a negative mindset, but in this case it makes perfect sense, so it doesn't bother me. Hopefully she's able to get her more positive mindset back somewhat soon.

[neio]

That was excellent. I had a nitpick or two that I might PM you if I read it a second time, but aside from comma trifles, the grammar was solid. I was very happy to see a chapter which managed to be believable and avoid the stereotypical ending. Besides that, I'm usually rather frustrated with grumpy protagonists, but this was somehow an exception.

This did seem a little odd to me:

"...I have an unbearable headache, I’m nauseated, and my vision is blurry.”

[...]

“Well, based on your symptoms and the circumstances, you probably have a concussion, though it doesn’t look serious.”

Haha, what? It sounded like he said...

“I beg your pardon?”

“A concussion. You probably suffered it when you fell.”

“A concussion?!”

Between the obvious warning signs and the doctor's reassurance, Iwanako shouldn't be so shocked and bothered. I've had a couple concussions (granted, I don't have arrhythmia) and they're not the end of the world.

[Bad Apple]

A few things I forgot mentioning. (I was low on time with my previous post.) I apologize in advance for giving you even more text to read through, Leaty.

Personally I don't see much of a problem with Iwanako's overreaction. Sure, we're among relatively astute peers here, but I don't suppose many people (least of all a teenaged girl) have the medical literacy to fully understand a concussion, only that it's a brain injury (which sounds very very bad). It's not like those in the medical profession are known for their plainspoken sincerity either. ("This long sharp needle we're stabbing you with won't hurt.") To top it off Iwanako is already in a heightened state of anxiety and stress, so this is twisting the knife as it were. When you're in that state it's harder to process every word as if you're reading it.

Alternatively I am inadvertently rationalizing an honest mistake on part of the author/editor, but we'll find out, right?

Now for the meat: In this chapter Nurse and Mutou are genuinely there for Iwanako and while she doesn't yet understand this, the reader can if they see past her disaffected POV. I imagine her looking back on this and coming to appreciate the reasonable authority figures that shepherd her after she was sent to Yamaku. I also noticed the Mutou lecture is the same one he gives Hisao --- but with the change in circumstances, so changes its propriety.

I also forgot to mention how unexpectedly you handled the rest of Iwanako's first week and Act 1. In retrospect it's obvious Iwanako would take some time off after that emergency. But in the general complacency of the fandom (KS is mostly lighthearted, considering) I didn't think it over fully. It's upsetting that Iwanako's transition isn't going as smoothly as Hisao's, but that's part of why this is such a great fic.

As I noted before, I have a gut feeling of what the next chapter or two entail. We'll just have to wait and see.

[Mirage_GSM]

Personally I don't see much of a problem with Iwanako's overreaction. Sure, we're among relatively astute peers here, but I don't suppose many people (least of all a teenaged girl) have the medical literacy to fully understand a concussion, only that it's a brain injury (which sounds very very bad).

While it's true that she doesn't have a medical background, it's not like a concussion is some kind of exotic condition. I know several people who've had a concussion for some reason or other, and it's basically the first thing you check for when somebody hits their head.