I regret nothing. Except Blockbuster not having the anime I want available for my Queue, but that is unrelated to the matter at hand.
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Chapter Eighteen: A Season For All Things
March turned into April, and slowly but surely, the weather started to warm. Lynda’s transfer was submitted and awaiting review, and had been for a while. Both Lynda and Misha knew better then to expect speed from a university, but the waiting still gnawed at Misha whenever she thought about it. Fortunately her course load was keeping her occupied, when her friends and campus events didn’t. As the pain of loss began to fade, a new emotion slowly crept its way into Misha’s heart: confusion.
Kelly seemed less nervous talking to Misha these days, and instead of merely sitting together on a bench staring off into the city, they attended LGBT events together, or lecture series held on campus, or studied together in the Kimmel building. It had taken a while for Misha to notice Kelly’s interest in her- she could still be oblivious to social cues sometimes. Fortunately, after their one dinner together, they hadn’t done anything as intimate since.
“Lynda said if someone comes along I might like, I should pursue it,” Misha said to her counselor during a session, as she sat in her office, wearing a skirt for the first time in months, “but if I do that, and Lynda comes back, I’ve created a mess, and I don’t want that to happen- it hurt enough being in a love triangle, causing one would kill me~.”
Misha slumped into the chair and stared at the floor. The Counselor shifted herself a bit before speaking, “it’s not really my place to address this, but, you need to realize, Lynda’s statement wasn’t necessarily a logical one.”
Misha nodded, “I know, but the problem is, I haven’t told Kelly I don’t want to pursue anything- at least, not as long as me and Lynda have a chance.”
“Well, how do you know she wants to pursue something?”
Misha thought, running her hand through the almost faded purple stripe of hair, “she glances at my face a lot; she almost never looks anyone in the eye, but when I glance back, she looks into mine,” Misha gave a mild snort, “she says I have nice eyes.”
“You do,” the Counselor said, “and is it possible you’re over thinking this?”
Misha nodded again, “what should I do~?”
The Counselor gave a mildly patronizing look, “Shiina, you know the answer to that.”
Misha sighed, “I need to talk to Kelly. I need to find out if she’s interested in more then just friendship, and I need to tell her that’s all I want from her- and in a way where she won’t cut her hair or throw herself off the roof.”
The Counselor smiled and nodded, “very good. You need to stop doubting yourself.”
“I’m not sure its even doubt anymore. For months I was someone else’s voice, and when I had my own it was a lie. I’ve been spending the last year trying to find a new voice, and whenever I get close, it seems like something happens to drag out the old me.”
“Accepting one’s past is an important part of moving on. I have to say things like that,” the Counselor rolled her eyes, “seriously, I know it’s hard to do, but you have to try, and most important, you have to know you’re not alone. Mr. Nakai and Ms. Hakamichi share your past, and its pain, too. Some of it, at least.”
Misha nodded again.
The Counselor leaned in, her pad and pen abandoned on the chair’s armrest, “I’ve seen you at your worst, and at your best, and through it all, your friends have stood by you. No matter what happens, they will, even if what you do costs you one of them. Remember that.”
Misha looked up from the floor, “I will~.”
==
After some thought, Misha decided she had a good way to talk to Kelly about their situation. It wasn’t too direct, but it got to the point relatively easily. It required Misha to be more in the lead then she was used to, but she didn’t mind that. It was almost necessary with someone like Kelly, anyway.
After another Friday spent slugging through reading and assignments at the Kimmel building, Kelly triumphantly closed her laptop as she sat on the floor next to Misha in front of a small tree.
“There,” she said, smiling widely, “that has to be the best program I’ve ever written.”
Misha smiled back, “good work, Kecchan. If only my paper on the election went as well.”
“You’ll do fine. I think you understand our government better then I do.”
There was a reason for that- American citizenship exams were very thorough. Even if they were years away, she wanted to be prepared. Misha checked her cell phone for the time, “hmm, I should get something to eat. You wanna come with me~?”
Kelly blinked, “to dinner?”
“Sure~! We can even go off-campus if you like; I know a great sandwich shop a few blocks over,” actually, Carla knew about the shop and told Misha about it, but that was beside the point.
Kelly grabbed her necklace and fiddled with it for a few seconds before nodding, “yeah, I’d like that.”
The two silently trotted to the elevator. On their way down Kelly turned to face Misha, the only other occupant, “we haven’t gone to a meal together since that time we spoke on the roof.”
Misha nodded, “you look hungry, and I’m hungry, so it seemed like a good idea to eat together,” knowing such logic would fail, Misha continued, “also, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Kelly nodded and muttered an “okay.”
The shop was a small place that bordered on being a deli. A tall man with an intimate knowledge of Yiddish stood behind a counter of chunks of meats and cheeses, with stacks of bread behind him. A small array of drink preparation machines was to his right, and in taking up roughly half of the shop were several rickety metal tables and chairs. After ordering some sandwiches and hot chocolate, the two took a secluded table at the back of the shop, sitting across from each other and eating silently. Halfway through her sandwich Kelly asked Misha what she wanted to talk about.
Misha spent a second collecting her thoughts, “I just wanted you to know, I haven’t given up on me and Lynda- not yet, at least.”
Kelly nodded and stared at her cup, looking deep in thought. The next time she spoke was when they had finished their food.
“If she doesn’t come back, is there someone else you had in mind… to, you know, date?”
Misha nodded, “I think so. For now though, I’m just waiting to see how things turn out.”
Kelly sighed and nodded slowly.
The two left the restaurant shortly after that, both of them walking almost side-by-side, Misha just slightly ahead of Kelly as they walked along the sidewalk. Kelly hadn’t spoken since her glum acknowledgement of Misha’s determination, but once the two had crossed a street Kelly grabbed Misha’s hand and spun her so they faced each other.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking Misha in the eye for the first time that night.
Misha frowned, “For what?”
“For wanting to replace Lynda,” she said, her face flushed slightly and her hands clutching her necklaces, “I wasn’t sure how involved you two were, but knowing you’re willing to wait for her… I was stupid for thinking I could replace her.”
Misha smiled, “No, you weren’t. You took a risk, and it didn’t pan out, it’s no one’s fault,” Misha stopped smiling to take on a more serious gaze, “and don’t be sorry, either~. Nothing bad happened and we didn’t do anything stupid. I’m the one that should be sorry, for not saying anything sooner. I wasn’t sure how you really felt.”
“Well, now you are…”
“Yep~. I’ll also understand if you don’t want to hang out in the future.”
Kelly’s face quirked in a sad smirk for a moment, “I appreciate that. Still, I am sorry, if for nothing else, then not saying something sooner. Not that it would have changed anything, but…”
Misha smiled again, “logic and relationships don’t mix very well~,” she said.
Kelly nodded at that, a small smile on her face as she did so. She broke away from Misha’s bright golden eyes and started to look at the various lamp posts that illuminated their way back to campus. After a few minutes Kelly coughed and looked at Misha.
“…It must really hurt, being separated from her,” she said.
Misha sighed and nodded, “at this point, though, all we can do is wait. There’s nothing else we do, at least.”
Kelly nodded, “usually, when there’s nothing more you can do, there is at least one last thing you can do.”
Misha raised an eyebrow, “what~?”
Kelly quickly riffled through her pockets and pulled out a small wooden chain of polished beads.
“Pray,” she said, and carefully placed the rosary beads in Misha’s hand. Kelly’s hands lingered on Misha’s for a moment before pulling away, “I have others, consider that a gift to you and Lynda.”
Misha nodded, “thanks, Kelly.”
Kelly smiled sadly, “you’re welcome,” her eyes lingered on Misha’s for a moment, and she shrugged.
“Screw it,” she said, and leaned over to kiss Misha lightly on the cheek. It was over before Misha could react, and before Misha could say anything Kelly was trotting away from her.
“I’ll see you around, maybe, okay?” Kelly called behind her.
“I’ll understand if I don’t~,” Misha called after her.
Kelly waved an acknowledgement before veering away from the path to campus the two had been taking. Misha watched her veer off for a moment, sighed, and continued her way back to her own dorm room.
Carla was again at work, so Misha put her schoolwork by her desk and sat on her bed, the beads still in her hand. She started to twist and turn them in her hand, feeling the polished wood against her skin, her mind racing. The feel of the wood on her hands was comforting, and the longer her fingers lingered the more she found her emotions focusing. Her feelings for Lynda, her anger at herself for leading Kelly on, and a million other thoughts and emotions raced through her mind, her train of thought only ended by the ringing doorbell of her dorm. Jumping slightly, she walked over to the door and opened it, nearly fainting in delight from the person standing outside her doorway.
“Lynda!”
+++
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Have I mentioned yet that I’m an evil bastard? In the technical sense, not the literal sense- my parents were married when I was conceived.
